TrustInYourself Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 How do I make effective change? I realized that I'm a very flirty guy. It hurts my wife. I've always just considered myself social. Attention from women excites me and I feel good about being funny, good looking, and easy to talk to. I want to devote myself to loving my wife and not doing the things above if they hurt her. Do you think that it's my nature to be this way? Is there is both good and bad with that type of behavior? I think this is part of our attraction initially. How do I make this work out? I want to keep the positive aspects of this behavior, but I want to get rid of the negative. Is it just accepting me for being this way up to her? It's hard for me to accept that, because I am not sure that this is acceptable behavior for any long term monogamous relationship. Also, this type of behavior gets me into situations that I would prefer not to be in. During this separation, I should have stayed at home and focused on myself, education, daughter. Instead I'm out partying trying to escape the pain. I feel so immature and weak in comparison to my wife. How do I approach this with her. I know she is sick of me, sick of my crap, sick of our relationship. I want to respect her happiness and wishes. She is telling me we can hang out but with no strings attached, no promises. I want to do this and emotionally I'm not going to expect anything. Every moment is a gift. I am worried that by loving absolutely without remorse I'm setting myself up to get destroyed. I think I need to be destroyed by her. I want her to be so happy so badly. I don't even care about my place in the relationship. If she was with someone else and happy, I would be so much more happy for her. Is this normal? I could walk but she's offering me another chance (yet again). I'm not sure I deserve it! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I realized that I'm a very flirty guy. It hurts my wife. I've always just considered myself social. Attention from women excites me and I feel good about being funny, good looking, and easy to talk to. Trust, It's always "nice" to get external validation that we are who we think we are (or who we want to be.) But 'needing' external validation in the way that I am interpreting what you're saying, may point to your own doubts and insecurities about still having the characteristics that you mentioned, that you value. On the other side, a partner does not HAVE to feel threated just because they are with a 'flirty' person. I am also a huge flirt, and thus far my partners have been able to recognize it as just a thing that I do, that does not at all reflect on my feelings for them or how satisfied I am in our relationship. Then also, I totally can and do manage my flirtatious behaviour. Perhaps you have not yet 100% convinced your wife that you do have the self-control to only take your "social butterflying" SO FAR...to a point where she can totally trust you not to do anything that will damage your relationship, no matter what? Obviously it is complex...could be many different things at play, simultaneously. Have you considered individual counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 Yes, please on the IC. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 You're a flirt? So what? Those same qualities of your personality would make you a great politician, actor, con artist, poker-player, salesman Want to use another word? Gergarious ~ you like people. Doesn't make you a cheater. As I see it, the problem isn't you but the DW's own insecurties. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 True. If I keep finding myself in situations where I'm with a strange woman and she feels like it's ok to kiss me...not sure if my behavior is just gregarious lol. I know when I'm doing it, I feel like I'm doing it as an escape. Yet, I still do it because the challenge is rewarding. It's positive and negative, I realize that. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 TIY - Come on... what are you thinking ? Do you want your wife back or do you want to feed you ego by flirting with other women ? Obviously, your wife is not interested in both. Flirt with your wife only - that's probably she is having trouble leaving you - she likes your gregariousness - but only with her. Stay home with your daughter when you have her and work on yourself when you don't... You cannot tell your wife you have changed - you can only show her !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted June 24, 2008 Author Share Posted June 24, 2008 TIY - Come on... what are you thinking ? Do you want your wife back or do you want to feed you ego by flirting with other women ? Obviously, your wife is not interested in both. Flirt with your wife only - that's probably she is having trouble leaving you - she likes your gregariousness - but only with her. Stay home with your daughter when you have her and work on yourself when you don't... You cannot tell your wife you have changed - you can only show her !!! Awesome point. You're exactly right as she's expressed this as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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