Breakup

[Strangefruit]

I posted here about a month ago questionning whether my relationship with my boyfriend was going anywhere. Stoopid question on reflection as he ended it yesterday. He says he loves me but that the way he feels isn't fair on me and 'I could do better'. He wants to be friends. Says he couldn't bear not to have me in his life. I can't do that. My feelings are too strong. I know that when I see him I'm going to want things to be the way they were. I know I'm running away by turning down the friendship and I don't want not to have him as a friend but it hurts too much and part of me just wants to forget we were ever together. Remembering the good times is what keeps making me cry. Whatever I do is going to hurt and I don't know what to do for the best. Help.

[midori]

I've been where you are and I know how hard it is to let go when you don't believe that breaking up is the right thing to do.

 

I think you're right to question whether you'd benefit from a friendship with him right now. Your recovery from his decision will be best undertaken alone. He wasn't able to give you meaningful answers when he announced his wish to break-up. He's not likely to be helpful to you as you regroup and move on. That's been my experience. Don't take his ambivalence about breaking up as a sign that the two of you should stay in touch so that maybe you can get back together once he overcomes his doubts. He broke up with you and even if he can't articulate it, there is a reason. If you get back together now you'll have to live in a cloud of perpetual uncertainty. Very unpleasant -- I've been there.

 

Whatever doubts he had were strong enough to move him to break up with you. That doesn't mean he wanted to do it. No one likes to undertake change, no one likes to hurt someone they genuinely like and care about. No one wants to lose their conversational partner, sex, and all the little things that come along with a romantic relationship. So it's not surprising that he'll be ambivalent to some extent. But that's not what you should be paying attention to right now. You need to focus solely on the fact that this guy broke up with you, and isn't going to be there for you when you need him. Even if you got back together you wouldn't be able to rely on him unless and until he worked through whatever issues are behind his doubt. That would take a long, long time, if it ever happened. You'd be foolish to wait for it.

 

Don't look at it as losing his friendship for ever. We all have bits of space in our lives for people who were once more significant than they currently are -- old friends who moved away and lost touch. Old boyfriends. But until you've reorganized your emotional life so that there isn't a gaping hole in the exact size and shape of your ex, you two can't be friends. When you've gotten over him, you two might well reconnect. If you want to.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's tough but we've all been there, and you'll get through this. You'll find someone better suited to you. Someone who won't run away, or cause you to run away.

 

Good luck.

[Strangefruit]

Midori, you're a star. I'm still crying but what you've said has helped me see my own thoughts more clearly. I'm lucky enough to live near the beach, so I'm off to look at the sea and fly my kite. It's England so I'm going to go now before it starts to rain! I hurt like hell right now but I'm going to start rebuilding my own life without him for now and see how it goes. I've been here before and, no doubt, I'll be here again but your post has given me insight I could have done with years ago. I'm 30 in a few weeks and I'm not going to spend my thirties crying like I have done most of my twenties... It's my life, no one else can make it good or bad, it's all up to me and I'm going to make sure it's good. Thanks again.

[PurpleAngel]

Sorry to hear about your break up! YOU will be fine, KEEP SMILING.

And Now, to answer your post...

 

He says he loves me but that the way he feels isn't fair on me and 'I could do better'.

 

I don’t buy that, 'you can do better' better than what, him? How does he know, I will tell you how he knows cos Obviously he doesn’t love you like you think he does (sorry). Men that say, 'you can do better than me' are coping out or admitting to the person they are leaving WHY they are truly breaking up with them and they normally get away with it too…Very Sad!

 

He wants to be friends. Says he couldn't bear not to have me in his life.

WHAT! Again… DON’T BUY IT! he can live without you and in fact the more important statement here is that YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT HIM, and a whole lot better may I add. Don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing you. He is not being honest with the game he is playing here with you, I can feel that very strongly. Let it go with him.

 

I can't do that. My feelings are too strong. I know that when I see him I'm going to want things to be the way they were.

 

You know what Strangefruit, with time I do not think that you will want things to be the same with him at all. I think you will move on from this a lot easier than you think. Its very fresh now, its natural to feel that way. I think you wont want to get back together with him. that’s what I feel.

 

 

I know I'm running away by turning down the friendship and I don't want not to have him as a friend but it hurts too much

 

NO WAY, you are definitely NOT running away from anything.. who told you that? That is not true at all, I think you are doing the very right thing in turning down a friendship with him. What’s there to be friends for? TO cause you more PAIN, and delay healing and happiness... trust me you are doing the VERY right thing!

 

part of me just wants to forget we were ever together. Remembering the good times is what keeps making me cry.

 

No need to forget you where ever together, just learn from this, and MOVE ON. It’s ok to love someone and not be with them. You can’t be with everyone you/’ve love/d. Just don’t think about it too often for now, cos playing things out of 'what was' will cause you additional pain that will not help you recover. Do all things that help you heal and move through this.

 

Whatever I do is going to hurt and I don't know what to do for the best. Help

 

Seems to me that you know exactly what to do. If you want to heal the pain then you must cut ties with him. NO more contact, that will continue to cause pain and not help you get over anything. Like I said do things for YOU, don’t worry about him, he'll be fine. You think about you and what makes you happy, do all those things and you will see how amazing your life is going to turn out.

You sound like a lovely person and together too. Believe me, the pain you are feeling right now will not last long and soon you will meet someone amazing! Forget your ex! He is not worth your time, you are better than that! Love and respect yourself and you will be loved and respected in return.

 

Good Luck

~PurpleAngel~

[Strangefruit]

It's England. Got as far as the beach, spread the kite out and realised that I don't actually know how to put it together as He always did it and then it started raining so I came home. PurpleAngel - your reply said alot of things I knew deep down about his feelings for me and what I need to do but it always helps to have someone spell it out. I'm sure I can get someone else to help me put my kite together and I have no intention of giving him the satisfaction of seeing me except as I walk down the road looking fab and he realises just what he's passed up on. Unfortunately this is particularly hard as I only moved to the same town as him last weekend and have no other friends here at all. I was going to move first but got delayed so it now looks like I've come after him but that's not the case although it's irrelevent anyway. Don't worry about him getting away with the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' rubbish - he's already been told a few times that that's a complete cop out and that I guess is what got us/me here. I hope you're right about the other stuff, I do harbour fears that I'm going to be on my own for ever and at the same time, right now, the thought of another relationship just about brings me out in hives... I've never felt like this before but maybe it's the accumulated baggage that comes through the years of experience that makes it harder to just move on... I try to be a lovely person - just like my gran says, "Drive carefully and meet careful drivers" - but I do have a habit of falling in love with people who aren't in a fit state to love me back... Oh to be 21 again and have all my friends with me in the same boat rather than being the one still out there and the subject of much debate and worry. But I guess then I'd just have all the heartache to come... thanks for everything... I'm sure I'll be fine once I've done the self-pity thing to death. I've got a job to find, friends to make and a whole new life to forge and, if nothing else, now I absolutely have to make it work just so He can't think he's got the better of me. Petty I know, but right now it works for me.

 

thanks again.

 

take care

 

strangefruit )

[Strangefruit]

If anyone's still reading this thread, I thought I'd let you know that I went to see my ex tonight. I've been feeling a lot stronger today and I wanted him to say what he'd said first time round with me actually listening rather than just wailing. Or, more honestly, I wanted to give him the chance to say what a mistake he'd made! He didn't but I feel better anyway. Listening to him go on about how awful he felt, how his feelings for others had been much stronger than his feelings for me and he'd still ended the relationship with them, and how much he wants to fall in love 'with the right person', I just felt empowered. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who's that mixed up! Right now, I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone except myself but I do know that I've learned some valuable lessons for the future when the time comes for me to try again. If someone tells you they are not good at relationships right from the start, don't try to be the one to change that. If someone has a chequered relationship history from start to finish, there's a reason - them. However much you think of them as people, don't fall in love with them. It's like acquiring an aging pet - they're cute and you want to help them; they make you feel good about yourself at first. Beware, before long it's all mess and grief and you'll be left with only the sadness of what was.

[midori]

well done Strangefruit. You're on your way.

 

I don't remember your earlier thread, maybe you mentioned how things with your ex started off. But in my experience, people who throw themselves head-first into a relationship, with lots of fireworks and intensity from day one, are the people who are likely to later do the old song and dance about "just not feeling strongly enough for you." Maybe because they think they're supposed to keep that initial intensity going forever; or perhaps they leapt in without looking because they needed to be in a relationship ASAP (maybe escaping from the last one -- the "chequered history" you mention). I've found that people who come on very fast and strong from out of the blue tend to be the ones who disappear just as quickly. With regrets, of course. But trying to hold onto them is an utter waste of time.