yanks26dmb Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Im 24 years old, graduated college in May 07. Moved out to California with my girlfriend, whom I live with. I have a bunch of friends out here and things are going well. However, every now and then I have bouts of homesickness. My entire family is on the East Coast, and I really don't get to see them more than once a year. I've just completed my first year out here and have a good job at a big company and couldn't be happier. However, sometimes I wonder if I am being selfish. I am an only child so its not like my parents have other kids around. My grandparents are in their 80's and who knows how long they will be around. I feel like, while I am loving life out here, I am sacrificing a lot by being away from the people I really care about. Is this normal for a person my age? Is my situation unique, or do many people move this far away from home? In your HONEST opinion, am I being selfish by being away from my family and giving up whatever (hopefully a lot) time we have left together? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Honestly? NO!!! It is not "selfish" in a negative sense, to want to be happy...nor is it selfish to live a happy life, once you have created it for yourself. In fact, I see it as an adult responsibility to do that -- to work towards being self-reliant and independent and be able to make one's self happy and content. You aren't responsible for how others view it, that you have found happiness 'here' instead of 'there'. That is their issue with which to deal. Yes, many kids (with lots of siblings, or none) do move far away from home, and do manage to create very, very happy lives no matter what distance may separate them from their family-of-origin and childhood friends. Sometimes, that is the only way for them to grow and thrive, and reach their full potential. On the other hand. You also talk of feeling as if you're "sacrificing a lot" -- which is kind of the opposite of "negative selfish". So maybe it is about deciding what you want MORE, at this stage of your life -- to be closer to family home and childhood comforts, or to continue to grow your own roots in your new surroundings? In any event, it is a difficult decision to have to make -- best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yanks26dmb Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 Honestly? NO!!! It is not "selfish" in a negative sense, to want to be happy...nor is it selfish to live a happy life, once you have created it for yourself. In fact, I see it as an adult responsibility to do that -- to work towards being self-reliant and independent and be able to make one's self happy and content. You aren't responsible for how others view it, that you have found happiness 'here' instead of 'there'. That is their issue with which to deal. Yes, many kids (with lots of siblings, or none) do move far away from home, and do manage to create very, very happy lives no matter what distance may separate them from their family-of-origin and childhood friends. Sometimes, that is the only way for them to grow and thrive, and reach their full potential. On the other hand. You also talk of feeling as if you're "sacrificing a lot" -- which is kind of the opposite of "negative selfish". So maybe it is about deciding what you want MORE, at this stage of your life -- to be closer to family home and childhood comforts, or to continue to grow your own roots in your new surroundings? In any event, it is a difficult decision to have to make -- best of luck. Thanks for the reply. Just to be clear, its not as if my parents/family are giving me a guilt trip. My mom has said on multiple occasions shes so happy for me and wants me to do what I think is best for myself. I just have a very closer relationship with my parents (mother MUCH more so) that I feel bad leaving them so far away...I have a great bunch of friends out here, a good job, and my girlfriend. I feel like I'd be next to miserable going back to Wash D.C. to live and find a new job. BUT, id be near my family. I just dont want to have regrets 10 years down the road. Ultimately, I want to stay in California, but I just dont want my parents to suffer on account of my happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Yep...I got that it is a case of you sending yourself on the guilt trip and/or putting pressure on yourself about what is your adult role and responsibility to your parents, especially as an only child . If you decide to stay in California, part of that decision MUST, for your own sake, include a promise to yourself that, no matter what happens in the future, you will not feel guilty about it. That is, that you'll be completely at peace with any and all outcomes that are part of any current decision to not move back (did I express that well enough to make sense?) If we pretend that you're facing a choice of either feeling guilty/regretful or feeling angry/resentful/miserable...what would you want to feel LESS? Personally. I'd choose "happy, thriving and inspired" as a mindset and lifestyle -- which it sounds like you have in California. And, where I am now, I'd not feel guilty about it. (But it's taken many of therapy hours and self-help reading and whatnot, to get to that point .) Perhaps there are compromises available? Perhaps you can visit your parents more often -- possibly by giving up (temporarily) some stuff that you currently enjoy doing or having? Perhaps you can install web-cams in California and DC? Yeah...parents can learn how to use them, with a bit of patience and encouragement. Just brainstorming, but you get the picture. On the other side of things, we could talk about inaccuracies in beliefs that our own happiness (or unhappiness) can negatively affect others without THEM making their own decisions (and having their own inaccurate beliefs) about relationships and Life in general. Regardless, like I said, I do know it is tough to make tough decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 personally speaking, I think you're always going to feel torn about moving away, no matter how much you love where you're at (location, work, family, etc). I still get very badly homesick for South Texas and sometimes think about moving back, though I'm really happy with my job up here, with my friends, with my home and all. And I'm 42! the trick is to not let it consume you, but to enjoy where you're at, and know that when you need to go back, you're able. The East Coast (STX in my case) will always be waiting, as will family and friends there. It gets a bit easier as time goes by ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author yanks26dmb Posted June 24, 2008 Author Share Posted June 24, 2008 personally speaking, I think you're always going to feel torn about moving away, no matter how much you love where you're at (location, work, family, etc). I still get very badly homesick for South Texas and sometimes think about moving back, though I'm really happy with my job up here, with my friends, with my home and all. And I'm 42! the trick is to not let it consume you, but to enjoy where you're at, and know that when you need to go back, you're able. The East Coast (STX in my case) will always be waiting, as will family and friends there. It gets a bit easier as time goes by ... I appreciate the replies above.. You've somewhat touched on my main issue here...I worry that family will NOT always be there. Like I said, grandparents are getting older, my parents are about to be in their 60's...we never know how much time we have left here...This sworries me..although death has ALWAYS been something that has weighed heavily on my mind. Specifically the death of a parent. With that said...I am mainly jut wonering if what I am doing is normal and this is just a fact of life...or if I am being selfish in wanting to live so far away from my family.. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 you're not being selfish ... and your folks have a great deal of love and respect for you to keep encouraging you to follow your dream. That takes a certain amount of maturity to do that, even when you know it means that you'll be apart from the child you love. this isn't the perfect solution, but have you been keeping close contact by writing and calling? I'd talk with my mom 2-3 times a day sometimes, and while it wasn't the same as seeing/being with her, it was heaven just to hear her voice. And I know she felt the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yanks26dmb Posted June 24, 2008 Author Share Posted June 24, 2008 Oh yes...I talk to my grandparents mabye once a week and my parents several times a week..It definitely does help. I just cant help feeling bad for them, because I know how much I mean to them. I guess my reason for posting is looking for reassurances that I am not doing something that isn't normal for a person my age...which I think you guys are helping to answer for me.. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 no matter how old you are (or they are), parents never really stop missing their babies! But I think in your case, your folks also want you to follow your dreams, that even though they miss you, knowing that you're happy makes them happy ("My mom has said on multiple occasions shes so happy for me and wants me to do what I think is best for myself") ... what she told you in no way indicates that she wants anything less for you, and that she/they are willing to support your decisions because they think the world of you. that said, are you able to get back on occasion? That might quell these feelings a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yanks26dmb Posted June 24, 2008 Author Share Posted June 24, 2008 no matter how old you are (or they are), parents never really stop missing their babies! But I think in your case, your folks also want you to follow your dreams, that even though they miss you, knowing that you're happy makes them happy ("My mom has said on multiple occasions shes so happy for me and wants me to do what I think is best for myself") ... what she told you in no way indicates that she wants anything less for you, and that she/they are willing to support your decisions because they think the world of you. that said, are you able to get back on occasion? That might quell these feelings a bit. I can get back to see them once or twice a year..its nice to go back..but sometimes I just worry that isn't enough Link to post Share on other sites
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