Can we turn it around?

[SunnySideUp]

Sorry to hear all you've been going through, confused-husband. Your situation is like my worst nightmare. (but it'd be if my husband was saying the same thing your wife is)

 

I agree with all the advice about trying to "date" your wife again. I have found in my marriage that it really is important to set aside special time for both of you, where you don't talk about money or kids or anything that's business.

 

It sounds like you're making a great effort, which is really commendable. You obviously are willing to work very hard to make your marriage work. I just have one slight suggestion to your approach, based on my personal experience, so feel free to discard it if you don't think it will apply. If I were you I'd try to give her some space in addition to scheduling "dates". Try to spend some time away from the house and family if you can, even if it's just one or two hours per week. Try not to bring up the major issues when you're on a date with her, try to keep the conversation light. Sometimes when my husband and I are having problems, the worst thing to do is to bring up the problems when we're spending time together. Sometimes we just have to pretend we're friends and getting to know each other again. Your wife's lack of response to the great effort on your part might just be a reaction to your pursuit. One thing i've learned from marriage counseling is sometimes when a person withdraws, the worst thing to do is to pursue them more. It can be very difficult to back off, but I would recommend that you continue to make your wife feel special with a random kiss or date, but maybe do those things less frequently. If you're putting pressure on her to change her mind about you or to commit to fixing your marriage, she's going to pull away even more.

 

Just an idea...

[Woggle]

Stop doing anything and start treating her like a roomate. When a woman gets in the walkaway state of mind the only thing that will ever get her to change her mind is showing her that you are ready to to walk out and be perfectly happy without her. Tell her that if she wants to split then you can go and get a lawyer right now. By trying to be the loving husband you are just making her resent you more and everything you do will be thrown back in your face. By opening up the door and telling her to leave if she wants you just might get her to think twice. If not then you still have your self respect.

[smartgirl]

Things can absolutely get better, if you both want it. People often think that it is all over, the love is gone and it won't come back. When you get in that mindset, a lot of bad things can happen. One of them is an affair and some other posters have suggested that. If there are other signs of that then you need to consider that has happened and ask your wife about it.

 

It really struck a cord with me when you said she mentioned you didn't kiss her anymore. My husband also stopped kissing me, or hugging me or saying he loved me. He still wanted sex often, but there seemed to be no affection to it and no attention to me really. I felt very disconnected and like I just wanted to walk away. We were both in a bad way and then H had an affair.

 

I won't go into all that, but after we started talking more and reconnected our marriage is better now than for years before the affair. But we were both motivated and we both put a lot of work into the process.

 

It seems like you and your wife need to do a lot more talking to get to the heart of things and why she doesn't feel it is worth trying.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

OP - take my word.

 

Flowers and candy will not work. It's the years of treatment or mis-treatment that she will remember and make her decision over.

 

Gifts and your actions now are all temporary. She knows that they are a stimulus to getting what you want and then you will most likely go back to your old way.

 

How did you treat her?

[whichwayisup]

CH, any update on you and your wife? I hope she's waking up abit more and atleast trying to solve her issues, and talk to you more as well..Did she agree to do counselling to try to figure out her feelings?

[luvstarved]

I agree with all who tell you that what you need to do is find out WHAT her issues are - seek out that information if you don't know already and work on better communication.

 

The dates and flowers are a nice way to show that you want it to work but at some point they can seem smothering or...evidence that you just don't "get it" and are thoughtlessly trying to paste generic romance onto a complex relationship to get past the crisis.

 

Counseling sounds like a good idea but in the end what you need to do is try to have a heartfelt conversation with her about your relationship - what has been right, what has been wrong, what needs are being unmet and how that can be corrected. You need to actively listen to and validate what she has to say, really absorb it and respond in a sincere and realistic manner. You're going to have to think about the real you and the real her and not stereotypical gender stuff. You need to say real things about real qualities she has not just "I love you" but WHAT about her that you love. It needs to ring true. Begging her to "not throw away 20 years" is not a personal testament to what makes her special and valuable to you.

 

Infidelity is probably not in the picture. But I would bet anything that she is noticing other men, maybe one in particular. You need to fight for her with honesty and understanding and genuine affection.

 

JMHO

[Confused-Husband]

Update time. Let me bring you all up to speed with whats been happening.

My wife agreed to go to counseling. We have had 2 sessions so far. The counseler has listened to us and we've listened to each other. I actually learned quite a bit from the sessions.

 

Over the last few years, she started to feel more like my mom then my wife. She was taking care of most everything and she came to resent it. I'm not really sure why I let it go on like that. I guess I was just not paying much attention. She doesn't feel like the things I'm doing now are real. She thinks as soon as things get better, I'll go back to my old ways. It's a fair point and I'm not sure how to convince her I mean this other then to be patient and keep it up. She also said she just doesn't feel the same about me and never will. My response to her is to give it time. The counseler told her that those feelings can change also.

 

I'm trying to show her I care and that I'm not the person I fell into being the last couple of years and at the same time trying to give her a little space, but its a tough line to walk. She's seriously ready to pull the plug and get a divorce and I really want her to give it some time.

 

We have been doing alot of things together and with the kids. We went camping this weekend and had fun until she sprained her ankle (pretty seriously) Thought I was going to have to get her to a hospital but it ended up being ok. I broke down the camp and drove us home that night, cared for her all day yesterday and the swelling has gone way down. Today she was feeling good enough to go to work so good news there. We are going to try the camping thing again in 2 weeks so I guess thats a good sign shes not quite done with me yet.

 

The counseler suggested we get a couple books so I've ordered those. All of this stuff is easy enough for me. The hard part is giving her space.

 

Thanks for all the concern and advice from all of you. I do read it and it's nice to know people who've never met me seem to care. I've become an emotional wreck over all of this which was unexpected. My wife said in counseling that she'd only ever seen me cry once before when my Dad died a few years back. Guess I always had issues with showing emotions. Was just the way I was raised and so now when she sees me all emotional I think she questions it. Or maybe it's touching her. I really don't know.

 

Wish me luck. I'm gonna keep on trying as long as she'll let me.

[Keridan]

I absolutely wish you all the luck in the world! I have to say that I'm very impressed by you. You have taken a situation where it would be so easy to give up and fought to do what's right. You are not only working with your wife, but listening to what she has to say. That's so important.

 

You seem to be doing just fine, too. The space is hard, but important and so is showing her that you will not fall back into the same pattern if things seem better. You are definately making progress since your original post!

 

Sorry your camping trip didn't work out, but it's good to hear she is doing better. Hope you enjoy the next one more! Again, best of luck!