Feel like crawling under a rock !!!

[SingleDad]

My STBXW is moving out on Saturday into her new house. I have tried everything to win her back with her never thinking twice.

 

My 2.5yo daughter (joint custody with 6 of 14 nights) and I will be the only ones who suffer

 

STBXW always seems to get everything she wants.. even in divorce/separation... to my detriment...

 

I just want to give up and crawl under a rock. I have been doing the single dad routine for the past 3 months (5 months since divorce action started) - can't imagine continuing the passing back and forth routine several times each week for the next 15 years. I am in anguish everytime I have to return my daughter.

 

I am not looking to find a new relationship during the 12 months separation, but I am also so hurt and lonely and in love with my Ex who wants nothing than to be friendly for our daughter's sake. Feel like all I have left is part time with my daughter - she is my only companion

 

Too hurt to be "strong and independent". Just can't do it - even though everyone tells me to be strong for my daughter. Yes things could have been worse - but still terrible and STBXW is pulling all my puppet strings. How do people with young children cope with such an awful divorce/separation situation ?

[TrustInYourself]

Talking it out. Posting my issues/rants here. Going out. Doing things I enjoy. Working out. Reading. Listening to music. Porno movies.

[Moose]

Lose this mentality......fast!

 

Your daughter is going to suffer the brunt of all of this....keep that in mind and you'll be able to cope.

[Billy Bob]

My ex-wife left me when my kids were 4 & 6 and I had just been diagnosed with agressive cancer 5 months earlier. So there I was at 36, figuring I'd be dead in a year or two, going through cancer treatments, taking care of two little kids, full time 24X7 as my ex-wife of 13 years went on tilt and pretty much disappeared. I was worthless at work, would break down and cry on my drive home everyday.

 

But you know what... the hurt goes away, the kids adapt, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm pretty sure I have beat the cancer, my kids are pretty well adjusted now (they see their mom every other weekend). I went out and found the new love of my life 3 or 4 different times.. lol. Life is good. I've actually been with the same gal now for 7 months and have a wonderful/loving relationship.

 

2-1/2 years ago I could not envision life without my ex, now my life is great (she has actually tried to come back to me a few times). My advice to you is to get out and date, start rebuilding yourself. You have 4 days a week to hit the gym, date, rediscover yourself. Your life will get better. You need to let go and accept that the STBXW is not your future anymore and feel blessed that you have your daughter almost 50% of the time!

[SingleDad]

cta - I've read many of your replies elsewhere, but never knew your history. Nice to hear stories of things working out even if the marriage doesn't. Thanks for continuing your postings despite having gone through this more than two years ago.

 

I am trying to cope, knowing that many other people are going through the same things I am. It always seems harder when it is happening to yourself.

[Ronni_W]

my daughter - she is my only companion

You cannot, must not, should not put that on your 2.5-year old. She has zero training in how to help a grown-up in your situation; no way to cope with adult despair and hopelessness.

 

Which, I totally get your feelings of loss and loneliness. Those are normal under the circumstances. But your child needs you to lead and guide her on how to cope with her own emotional trauma, in an age-appropriate way. She needs you to recognize the limits of her age. She needs to be able to trust that you will ALWAYS act in ways that are in HER best interest, no matter what else Life is presenting.

 

She needs you to find other ADULTS (siblings, friends, co-workers, family members) who are willing and able to support and encourage you through these challenging times.

She is 2-and-a-half years old. She needs you to be her Dad, and fulfill all your fatherly obligations regardless of what you are feeling on the inside.

 

It is difficult. And you deserve proper support that will help you overcome the worst of it in as short a time as possible for you. I do wish you and your daughter the very best.

[TrustInYourself]

Stop crawling under the rock. Start conquering that rock. Self pity, self esteem issues, self doubt, despair..all that negative crap needs to go out the door.

[Confused9]

As a child of a parent who essentially 'gave up' after my father left her at a very young age I say, to pull every inch of strength you have left to show your daughter that you are okay, she will be okay and life will go on.

 

I know how hard it is to be left. I don't know how hard it is to have a child involved, but my mom had 4 and each of us suffered because of her crumbling to peices. You obviously don't want that for your daughter.

 

You need to be a wonderful parent and treat her as a 2 1/2 year old. Don't make her grow up to fast because of your divorce. She may end up resenting you for it.

 

You can do this. Get in to therapy, post on here, go out and learn about yourself and find out who you are again. All the while, showing your daughter that although mommy and daddy don't live together anymore...nothing else has really changed. Don't use her to get to your x-wife and never talk bad to her about her mother. It scars kids for life...trust me.

 

I know you can do this because you want what's best for your daughter! You can do this!!! Try and be strong. You'll get stronger as the days, weeks, months go by.

 

Take care of yourself and your daughter! She needs you to be her parent...not the other way around!

[quankanne]

no advice, just a hug ...

 

((HUG))

[Confused9]

sorry about all my typos - I tried to edit but someone posted after me...UGH!

[Billy Bob]

After going through it (divorce).. one thing you do learn is to be happy by yourself. I will never fall as deep into a love/codependant relationship as I was in my first marriage.

 

It's hard to see these guys (and gals) on LS going through it for the first time. You can see how so many of them hang on to every word their spouse says, how they fight so hard to regain control or convince their spouse that they can change and work it out. Fact is by the time most of them are posting on LS for advice the writing is already on the wall. One person in the relationship wants to leave and the other is in denial and tries to "fix" the relationship.

 

If my GF wants to leave me now, I'll show her to the door and help her pack her stuff. If my GF wanted to stay out all night with her GF's, go clubbing and cheat on me, I'll just throw her crap out on the lawn and say adios. Never again will I put myself in a position of dependence on someone else for my happiness. I know now that there are plenty of people out there that I could be happy with. My GF knows this too (she's divorced as well) and would do the same to me. We have a relationship of mutual respect and trust and both wouldn't tolerate a flake out.

 

Maybe that's why there is a higher rate of divorce in second and third marriages? People aren't as willing to put up with all the BS.

[SingleDad]

I appreciate the responses.

 

FYI, I am not crumbling in front of my daughter and I am not putting any of these adult burdens on her. I only crumble when I am not with my daughter - mostly I have been seeking support from my mother, my Divorce Care group, the advice here, friends and God.

 

I do not "plan" to go on dates with others while I am legally separated - that would just complicate matters.

 

I would not say I am co-dependent on my STBXW. But I would say I am co-dependent on her as a co-parent and have never comprehended what it would be like to live in separate households and have our daughter split her time living in two different homes.

 

Age 2.5 seems to be the hardest possible time for this to be happening. She has tremendous separation anxiety - I can't leave the room for 10 seconds without her screaming and running to me. She also has to do everything herself which is great, but you always have to leave extra time. She is completely dependent on me every minute that I have her. Which is scary in itself.

 

I never really had to think about each minute I am with my daughter before when my wife and I were together. Now I am completely focused on my daughter when I am with her - and upset when I'm not.

 

I am learning by being thrown into the fire how to be a great parent. Is this God's intention for me - or is it a test of Fatherhood by my separated wife ?

[quankanne]

I think it's a test of fatherhood, period. The fact that you and her mom are divorcing just adds to it. I remember my brother went through a similar situation 7-8 years ago, and my niece was the same age as your little girl, but it all worked out. She loves her daddy, and her mother does everything she can to foster the relationship between them even though she and my brother sometimes don't get along. I don't think my niece is worse off being the child of divorce, though everyone must work a bit harder to ensure things flow smoothly.

 

and I'm guessing that's what you are going to be doing, too, putting that much more effort into keeping things on an even keel.

 

as hard as it is, don't let yourself get to the point where your relationship with her substitutes (I think this is the word to best explain) what you no longer have with her mother, because it just gets messy. I know it hurts not being with your little one, but you will need to figure out how to keep that from consuming you, otherwise the relationship starts growing unhealthy on your end. It's harder because she *is* so dependent on you, but you've gotta do it for her sake and for YOUR sanity.

 

are there any parenting groups you can join at your church or in the community? Parents Anonymous might be one resource for helping you make your way as a single dad.

 

as far as God's intentions ... I don't believe he wants you in this kind of pain, but sometimes, shxt happens that we don't plan for. However, He does give you the graces necessary to move through these crises, you know?

[TrustInYourself]

I appreciate the responses.

 

FYI, I am not crumbling in front of my daughter and I am not putting any of these adult burdens on her. I only crumble when I am not with my daughter - mostly I have been seeking support from my mother, my Divorce Care group, the advice here, friends and God.

 

I do not "plan" to go on dates with others while I am legally separated - that would just complicate matters.

 

I would not say I am co-dependent on my STBXW. But I would say I am co-dependent on her as a co-parent and have never comprehended what it would be like to live in separate households and have our daughter split her time living in two different homes.

 

Age 2.5 seems to be the hardest possible time for this to be happening. She has tremendous separation anxiety - I can't leave the room for 10 seconds without her screaming and running to me. She also has to do everything herself which is great, but you always have to leave extra time. She is completely dependent on me every minute that I have her. Which is scary in itself.

 

I never really had to think about each minute I am with my daughter before when my wife and I were together. Now I am completely focused on my daughter when I am with her - and upset when I'm not.

 

I am learning by being thrown into the fire how to be a great parent. Is this God's intention for me - or is it a test of Fatherhood by my separated wife ?

 

Co-dependence equals weakness. Doesn't matter when or where or as what. Independence is attractive and healthy. Strive for that.

[badbrit]

Man you need to seriously re-align your thinking, seriously. You can think glass half empty or glass half full.

 

I divorced five years ago with two daughters, aged 6 and 5 and recently got dumped by the mother of my 2 and half year old disabled son so speak with some knowledge.

 

As a father living with the mother, some of us do try to be a hands on parent but in truth, the mother NORMALLY does most of the work. As a father with overnight access to your kids you will be getting more quality time - bathing, playing, cooking, wiping nose, putting to bed, making brekkie etc etc. I am much closer to my daughters due to the divorce because I am not just "dad who comes home from work, tells them to do their homework then lets mum make dinner and put them to bed etc."

 

You will now actually be raising your daughter, be closer to her, she will jointly rely and come to you for everything, you will know her, her emotions, her moods, her dislikes, friends, schooling and everything so much better.

 

So listen, man the hell up and look at the damn positives. Count up hours and things you did with daugher when living with the mother and then count up the hours and things you do with and for her now.

 

No comparison, so lets be honest with each other, this is NOT about the daughter, it is about the ex and the loss of life with HER and the family.

 

One other thing. Where does this "not gonna date til the 12 months blah blah" come from? If you meet someone and like them, why not date them. The 12 months, divorce, seperation is legal rubbish and nothing to do with life, emotions, timings, moving on etc.

 

Do you think the day the divorce is final you are suddenly going to wake up a new person with a wizard having waved a magic wand during the night?

 

You are finished with the ex, it is history, it is over, the EMOTIONAL divorce is already finalised. Get on with your life and get some help or something.

 

Not disrespecting beliefs or churches but man this is the year 2008 and churches and there beliefs are not in line with the modern world (Modern world being where people acknowledge feelings, desires, emotions, life). Sure if it works for you, all well and good but it clearly isnt.

 

Life has not ended, a new chapter has started. Appreciate the good, appreciate what you have rather than focusing on what you don't, be thankful for the opportunity this has given you and be thankful for what will come into your life now because I assure you, something wonderful is around the corner IF YOU GET YOUR HEAD STRAIGHT AND REALIGN YOUR THINKING.

[quankanne]

good golly man! You've given good advice, but you need to allow for OP to grieve the loss of his relationship and life as he knows it. Because if he tries to circumvent that to "get on with his life," it's gonna bite him in the azz, and we know how nasty that can get!

 

not sure of how your analogy of "churches not being in line with the modern world" works, when spirituality is a direct interaction with "feelings, desires, emotions, life."

 

he'll figure it out, but part of figuring out is being allowed to vent, grieve, worry, etc.

 

[Billy Bob]

One other thing. Where does this "not gonna date til the 12 months blah blah" come from? If you meet someone and like them, why not date them. The 12 months, divorce, seperation is legal rubbish and nothing to do with life, emotions, timings, moving on etc.

 

I agree 100%... That was one of the best things for me on my road of recovery! I put a profile up on match.com and plentyoffish.com and all the sudden I had girls that wanted to go out with me. The boost to my self confidence was astounding! It really opened my eyes when I dated several quality gals that were nice, sweet, liked me for who I was, etc.. Gave me perspective to reflect on my walk-away spouse..

 

I am now soooo glad she wanted out (she actually would like back in now) because I was able to gain the self confidence to discover myself and who I was.

 

Do yourself a favor and put a quick profile up on one of the two sites I mentioned. Just test it out, you don't even have to reply to anyone. I think you will be quite surprised

[Billy Bob]

I do not "plan" to go on dates with others while I am legally separated - that would just complicate matters.

 

You're "legally seperated", perfectly OK to go out on dates! Probably 10% of the people on the dating sites are legally seperated and you know what? They are in the same boat you are, just testing out the waters.. Most people looking for long term relationships stay away from them, but plenty of people just want short term dating experience (and the fun that goes with it).

 

Maybe you know all this.. I was married from 1993-2006 so was pretty much in the dark. I think dating would do you good. You don't have to form any long term relationships...

[badbrit]

good golly man! You've given good advice, but you need to allow for OP to grieve the loss of his relationship and life as he knows it. Because if he tries to circumvent that to "get on with his life," it's gonna bite him in the azz, and we know how nasty that can get!

 

 

 

So what????

 

Grieve it? Why? It is over, grieving is overrated.

 

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you feel about it.

 

Work out or find a way to not feel so bad. It happened, deal with it, get on with life. Build a new life, best cure everytime.

 

Damn, I had my heart, future, life, everything I work for and love and want out of life and soul ripped out but I have things in perspective and decided not to let it kill me so forced myself to push on, get on with life, do new things, plan new things instead of sitting wallowing.

 

It works and not just that but life is actually good, better than ever, I am mentally strong, indepedent, discovered who I am, enjoy my life and own company, love my freedom, my kids when they stay, my friends etc etc.

 

Has anything happened to the thread starter than is worse than what happened to me? Has he lost more than me? Did he value it more than me? Did he love his partner more than I did?

 

I can assure you not. Just because I can get over it in 12 weeks does mean I did not love her and my family with every single ounce of my being, did not want to die rather than lose her, it still hurt not being with her etc, BUT I have inner strength and that is not from some spiritual place, but from inside ME

[Chrome Barracuda]

The way I see it SD is that your still young enough to start over. after you stop pining for the ex and grieve, you'll be fine and on your feet getting new coochie n no time flat. Stop thinking about the family that was. and think about the life you create for yourself and your kid.

 

You can always have another family and when the daughter says , hey how come you have anew family, you can say, this isnt what i wanted but i had no choice to move on with my life and to start over.

 

I know alot of children that feel resentment when one of their parents remarries and begins a new family with someone else.

 

But you know what, it isnt your fault it's her mothers. this is what se wanted.

[badbrit]

You can always have another family and when the daughter says , hey how come you have anew family, you can say, this isnt what i wanted but i had no choice to move on with my life and to start over.

 

I know alot of children that feel resentment when one of their parents remarries and begins a new family with someone else.

 

But you know what, it isnt your fault it's her mothers. this is what se wanted.

 

Well what is to be achieved by passing the blame to the mother whether it is true or not? Why cause a problem in their relationship (mother and daugher). What has the ex done wrong? She decided she no longer wants to be in a relationship with this man and so ended it. Does that make her a bad person? A criminal maybe? Someone needing punishing?

 

No it does not, it is life and it happens. Everyone on this forum has been dumped but I bet most of them have at one time DUMPED someone else. Does that make us bad people too?

 

When the time comes, tell the daughter that mummy and daddy are happier not living together but still love her 100% and both get to spend precious time with her. That you both always put her first and if a new family appears, it is NOT a replacement family, it is the daughters GROWING family. New brothers, sisters, friends etc.

 

Do the right thing not the bitter thing.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well what is to be achieved by passing the blame to the mother whether it is true or not? Why cause a problem in their relationship (mother and daugher). What has the ex done wrong? She decided she no longer wants to be in a relationship with this man and so ended it. Does that make her a bad person? A criminal maybe? Someone needing punishing?

 

No it does not, it is life and it happens. Everyone on this forum has been dumped but I bet most of them have at one time DUMPED someone else. Does that make us bad people too?

 

When the time comes, tell the daughter that mummy and daddy are happier not living together but still love her 100% and both get to spend precious time with her. That you both always put her first and if a new family appears, it is NOT a replacement family, it is the daughters GROWING family. New brothers, sisters, friends etc.

 

Do the right thing not the bitter thing.

 

It's not about passing the blame. it may look that way but when you boil it down. I'm a very blunt person and when i tell people the truth i dont hold back. If I was in this situation I would tell the truth if granted the child was old enough to hear it.

 

What? You wanna outright lie to the child? I mean think about it, he wants to remain the loving husband and father and family man. and this woman just wants to not be that because she wants to live the single life. much to the detriment of the family this man is trying to build.

 

I agree that maybe coming like that isnt the right way but bottom line no matter how you put it, he wanted a family she didnt, but there both gonna love their kid they had together.

 

...But alot of times when your married, no one enters a marriage thinking they gonna be a single parent and be happy about that. Marriage often comes with the inclusion of a family, yes or no. When one party doesnt desire that family and wants to be selfish, you just stand back and think then why the F did I get married?

[quankanne]

Grieve it? Why? It is over, grieving is overrated. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you feel about it.

 

grieving might be overrated in your view, but it's a natural part of the cycle of loss, be it from death, divorce, etc. The only way to "get" better is to work through the cycle, not ignore parts of it thinking it's something that can be circumvented. Because as I've said, it can be a loaded bomb just waiting to go off later.

[TrustInYourself]

Separation isn't for sleeping around, dating, or finding someone new to fall in love with.

 

It's about trying to understand your feelings, your motivations, your relationship without the mayhem and confusion of actually being "in" the relationship.

 

No one has the right answer, except Single Dad. He's on the front lines fighting daily for his love, his sanity, his soul. Not us.

[Billy Bob]

Separation isn't for sleeping around, dating, or finding someone new to fall in love with.

 

Maybe not a trial seperation... but this is a 1 year legal seperation right? And is he sure she isn't dating anyone at all... I bet she is!