TrustInYourself Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Yeah, maybe she is. What's your point. This thread is about him. His wife isn't here asking for advice. Why are we so concerned about her actions? So we can create a ledger of how she is such a sh*tty person? Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 As someone whose heart was recently crushed by a man who was separated when we started dating... please, OP, if you decide to test the waters, don't start or get into any kind of serious relationship. Please think of the harm you might cause an innocent party in this if you leap headlong into something before you're ready for it. I have no view on flings or ONS's other than to say you should be very up-front about what you want and don't want from them - let the women know what you can handle and what they are getting into. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 thanks TIY - I am trying to keep a higher value system. I am still married legally. I do not plan to use this as a time to test the waters for another relationship. I have young daughter - what kind of values do I want her to learn ? My STBXW of course says she not seeing anyone - maybe she had an affair - who knows ? I know that her level of expectations would lead me to believe that she will not find the longterm happiness that she is looking for if she thinks she can find that in another man. For now, I'll live like Hosea. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Yeah, maybe she is. What's your point. This thread is about him. His wife isn't here asking for advice. Why are we so concerned about her actions? So we can create a ledger of how she is such a sh*tty person? My point is a legal seperation isn't just a "lets take a few weeks off", they have been seperated for months.. why not go on a few dates? It really helps you regain confidence and helps you understand what you really want. I agree with one of the previous posters that it isn't a great idea to get into a long term relationship at this point, but you have to get out there sooner or later and face it, his stbxw isn't coming back! They have been divorcing for 5 months and she's moved out! My ex-wife never wanted to come back until I was happily dating several other girls.. all the sudden I suppose she saw that maybe I wasn't such a bad guy after all, especially if all these other woman wanted me... Of course by that point I had a nice frame of reference of what I wanted in a woman and the ex-wife wasn't it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Separation isn't for sleeping around, dating, or finding someone new to fall in love with. Nonsense. Separation inevitably leads to divorce. The exceptions to that rule are miniscule. Delaying dating will just prolong his denial of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 My point is a legal seperation isn't just a "lets take a few weeks off", they have been seperated for months.. why not go on a few dates? It really helps you regain confidence and helps you understand what you really want. I agree with one of the previous posters that it isn't a great idea to get into a long term relationship at this point, but you have to get out there sooner or later and face it, his stbxw isn't coming back! They have been divorcing for 5 months and she's moved out! My ex-wife never wanted to come back until I was happily dating several other girls.. all the sudden I suppose she saw that maybe I wasn't such a bad guy after all, especially if all these other woman wanted me... Of course by that point I had a nice frame of reference of what I wanted in a woman and the ex-wife wasn't it anymore. Human nature at work. The problem with dating, it's an escape. It doesn't address the real situation. Your marriage. Besides, when I go on dates, I typically end up having sex. That complicates matters, when you are trying to understand what's going on with your spouse. If you want to escape and need to feel confidence because you can get some girls, by all means. I have decided that I don't need other women to feel good or validate what kind of man I am. I've been down that road. It's empty and lonely. Real happiness doesn't come from meeting a bunch of different women who are into you. I don't plan on going through wives like I change underwear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 There should be a forum on "saving a marriage" or "preventing a divorce" like there is at divorcesupport.com The moral system here is so negative... spouse left, so feel free to commit adultery, she probably is... While the inevitable truth is that my separation could become a divorce, it is not yet. She is not yet my Ex-wife and we just signed legal separation papers two weeks ago. I am not ready for another relationship - it will just end up being the same thing all over again. Yet I do agree with the comments that I have to be strong and re-build myself. That is something one has to do on their own. Using another person to feel better about myself is just that USING... It is not something within me... I have to find happiness within myself, not get it from another person - which they could just as easily take away. I just need to figure out how to be happy and strong within myself, despite my current situation. Ideas on how to do this ? Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I just need to figure out how to be happy and strong within myself, despite my current situation. Ideas on how to do this ? Yes - accept your situation and convince yourself to accept the reality that your wife is not coming back. In other words, move on with your life. Don't put it on hold for a year for someone who is not interested in you. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Human nature at work. The problem with dating, it's an escape. It doesn't address the real situation. Your marriage. By the time a legal seperation has been engaged and they are moved out in a new house, there is no marriage to address anymore. It's just a matter of time and a piece of paper. All the marriage building books and courses at this point do no good but to make your wallet lighter. You may learn something for your next relationship though. Sorry to sound like a party pooper but the guys that have been through it and on the site for a few years and have seen these situations a thousand times... we call it as we see it. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 By the time a legal seperation has been engaged and they are moved out in a new house, there is no marriage to address anymore. It's just a matter of time and a piece of paper. All the marriage building books and courses at this point do no good but to make your wallet lighter. You may learn something for your next relationship though. Sorry to sound like a party pooper but the guys that have been through it and on the site for a few years and have seen these situations a thousand times... we call it as we see it. Perhaps. The difference between you and me, is when the ship goes down and the sharks are in the water, and people are screaming for help, and hope for survival is just 2%; I'm going to keep swimming and kicking. I owe my daughter that much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 TIY - thanks for coming through again with some thread of hope. Those of us with 2 year old daughters are not ready to throw in the towel. It just happened too quick. I am willing to do everything I can for my daughter. Which includes trying to save my marriage on one hand, and re-building myself on the other. I too was on auto-pilot and have changed my ways for the better. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I owe my daughter that much. No you don't. You owe it to your daughter that you are happy. Clinging to false hope will not make you happy. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 No you don't. You owe it to your daughter that you are happy. Clinging to false hope will not make you happy. How do you know what makes me happy? How do you know it won't make my daughter happy to see both her parents together? How do you know that I'm clinging to false hope? Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 How do you know what makes me happy? How do you know it won't make my daughter happy to see both her parents together? How do you know that I'm clinging to false hope? Of course it would make your daughter happy to see both of her parents together. It is quite likely that would make you happy too though I have no way of knowing that. But as to false hope - do some searches here and talk to some divorce lawyers and see how few (if any) stories you can find of people in your situation who got back together successfully. Sure anything can happen but the odds are quite slim. And I doubt whether dating in the next year will reduce those odds. If anything in fact, dating might increase those odds. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Of course it would make your daughter happy to see both of her parents together. It is quite likely that would make you happy too though I have no way of knowing that. But as to false hope - do some searches here and talk to some divorce lawyers and see how few (if any) stories you can find of people in your situation who got back together successfully. Sure anything can happen but the odds are quite slim. And I doubt whether dating in the next year will reduce those odds. If anything in fact, dating might increase those odds. Are you always so cynical? I feel deep concern for you when I read your posts. They are so dark and shallow. Do you suffer from depression or anxiety? Any hope is not false hope. Half full or half empty, it's a matter of perspective. As I said before, I'm not interested in escaping or manipulating the situation by dating someone new. I'm not here to make my wife realize she's missing out on me. I'm here to share my perspective and help people face what I'm facing. I don't need someone else to validate my self worth. If you give up once, then you are most likely going to give up again and again. If you want to play odds, don't get married at all. The odds are highly against you staying together forever. I don't play odds, because they are just attempts by man to understand fate or chance or the unknown. It's a coping mechanism to deal with what we do not know. Screw the odds. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Re: seeing your child(ren) happy … from personal observation, I know that kids want mama and daddy to be together in the same house, but little ones also know that having parents living together who do NOT want to be together is bad. So the next best thing is to strive to build a relationship where the parents can be on the same boat when it comes raising kids in a unified way even though they're not together. It gives them the assurance that despite what's happened with the marriage, NOTHING has changed regarding parenthood/the kids. as for not wanting to date before divorce is finalized, well, that's a personal decision, one I'm sure SD has considered carefully because he wants to be a moral authority his child can look up to, and that is incredibly commendable. And we should respect that, not suggest he go horn-dogging just because his wife wants out of the picture. It's not who HE is, you know? TIY and SD, you know the kind of men you want to be, and the kind of parent you want your child/children to have, so don't lose sight of that. Because we tend to be jaded, we often flick a lot of crap at others, but don't ever let that change your integrity. You, and your kids, will be that much richer because you've stuck to your guns. q Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 But as to false hope - do some searches here and talk to some divorce lawyers and see how few (if any) stories you can find of people in your situation who got back together successfully. Sure anything can happen but the odds are quite slim. And I doubt whether dating in the next year will reduce those odds. If anything in fact, dating might increase those odds. It's hard to convey reality to those that are going through the hearbreak.. I guess they have to learn it themselves.. I was right here on this board 2-1/2 years ago spouting the same sort of nonsense for a little while.. even bought some love buster books and the such. I guess they just have to go through it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 It may just be the case that some of us are seeking that glimmer of hope from those who have been successful - and/or get sympathy and comfort from others who are going through similar situations. I am not seeking advice on how to surely fail at my marriage. I owe it to myself and to my daughter to try my best. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 It's hard to convey reality to those that are going through the hearbreak.. I guess they have to learn it themselves.. I was right here on this board 2-1/2 years ago spouting the same sort of nonsense for a little while.. even bought some love buster books and the such. I guess they just have to go through it. Well, I'm sorry but when my wife spends nearly every free moment with me, invites me to her house, and sleeps with me twice in 2 days, I get confused and forget that I'm dealing with a woman that wants me out of her life. Also statements that go something like, "I could spend the rest of my life and be happy with you, but I'm not sure I want that.", tend to confuse me further. Maybe I should just dump my marriage in the wastebasket and go bang some random broads. They'd be attractive and fun and exciting for a few months and keep my mind off my wife. That'd be nice. Hopefully, we can avoid anything meaningful, because I'm not down to face my problems, I'll just find someone new. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 It may just be the case that some of us are seeking that glimmer of hope from those who have been successful - and/or get sympathy and comfort from others who are going through similar situations. I am not seeking advice on how to surely fail at my marriage. I owe it to myself and to my daughter to try my best. Well, I'll leave your thread alone then. I and others here have gone through similar situations, and can try and talk sense into those that are just not seeing reality. Trust me, I am very sympathetic, as I have been in your same place. I was also in the same sort of denial... and thought some of the guys on this board were complete a-holes when they tried to help me. The sooner you accept your situation and start moving on with your life, the better it will be for everone involved, including your daughter. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Also statements that go something like, "I could spend the rest of my life and be happy with you, but I'm not sure I want that.", tend to confuse me further. Wishy washy crap... Why are you pursuing someone that's "not sure she wants that". These are games she is playing with you! Imagine the tables were turned, can you see how pathetic a gal would look is she were hanging on to her husband when he said "I could spend the rest of my life and be happy with you, but I'm not sure I want that." The best thing she could do is to kick his ass out and tell him to come back when and if she wants that! And maybe then "if" she didn't have a new guy, she'd reconsider. TIY, I think you are going about this all wrong. If she wants you, let her fight to get you back. If she really wants to be with you, she will pursue you.. if she doesn't then let her go. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I'm not treating this separation as a divorce. I'm not walking away just because she's confused. If she tells me it's over than I will walk away. I will accept that and move on with my life. Link to post Share on other sites
badbrit Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Damn man, she doesnt need to tell you with words, she has told you with actions. Action compass man, action compass. Ignore the words and follow the actions. Is she with you? Is she committed to you? Is she seeing someone else? etc etc etc What she is doing is keeping you as an option incase life turns out rubbish and she decides to take you back. You think we are cynical and negative while you are this crusader with the most amazing morals on the planet who does not give up on sacred vows, respects the values of marriage and family and will be fighting to the death. Hey, do what makes you happy and trust one thing, when you come out the other side you will be the same as us because you will then have knowledge and experience. You will hear people talk like you and shake your head in despair. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 My actions destroyed my marriage. It's time I took some actions to rebuild what I treasure. Do I have a higher moral standard, no I don't. Do I live in a fantasy land, definitely not. The fact of the matter is my marriage is broken. The old relationship is gone. There can be no recovery, no going back, no reconciliation. I'm not trying to bring back the old relationship. I'm trying to start a new relationship with my wife. Something with hope, not with all this pain and misery. So yeah, she can have her place. I'm done making demands and acting out and destroying. I just want to provide love and support for as long as she'll let me. It's not for her, it's for me. I need to do this for myself. Her actions always showed love, in the face of my destruction. I can't walk away from someone like that. So maybe she is my option and that's the only reason I'm holding on. I want to work on my marriage. It may not work. But, I want to give it another shot. Get off my dreams. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 TIY - Well said - I concur completely Link to post Share on other sites
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