Ex slept with someone 2 weeks after we broke up...

[haruna]

Hi guys, I've lurked for a little while (since I broke up a month ago actually, lol) but I haven't yet made a post, so this is my first.

 

A little background:

I met my girlfriend freshman year of college and dated her for three years, right up until graduation. We were very much in love with each other but our ambitions (me: grad school on the west coast, her: living in NYC) carried us on our separate ways. She actually offered to move out to where I'll be going to school; however, I didn't accept her offer because I felt she was sacrificing far too much, she wouldn't be comfortable in her new environment, and besides, we're in our early 20s. In sum, I was scared about life after graduation, scared that I was missing out on the larger world by staying with a girl I'd been with since age 18, and scared that I wouldn't be satisfied with any decision I made.

 

Ultimately, I decided to break off the relationship. We still talked (and still said "I love you") after we moved away from college, but we fought constantly, to the point where I suggested it might be better for us to not talk to each other for a week, and see where things went from there. I felt terrible the next day and called to apologize, but couldn't really articulate my feelings.

 

She then went on a Caribbean cruise with a couple of friends (she had this planned a month in advance), and meanwhile, I felt increasingly anxious about my decision. No contact for a couple of days was really not good for my mental health. I was excited to hear from her when she got back, but she seemed dodgy when I asked her about specific details from the cruise. It turns out that she met a guy and later hooked up with him on the dance floor, followed by having sex with him in his room. She's adamant that he meant nothing, that she has no contact info for him, that she didn't take any pictures, etc. In other words, what happens on the cruise stays on the cruise.

 

Now we're really thinking about getting back together, making long-distance work, and finding a way to live together. I'm thrilled because the pain of separation made me realize how important she was in my life.

 

What I can't get out of my head is the thought and image of her sleeping with someone else two weeks after our breakup. There probably isn't an hour in the day when it doesn't cross my mind, and my overactive imagination tries to fill in the gaps of how exactly everything happened--how they met, what they talked about, the moment they got together on the dance floor, when they left the dance floor, the foreplay, the sex, everything.

 

Yes, I take responsibility for ending things, and I understand how much the breakup hurt her. It hurt me too, and I didn't really know how to deal with it except by arguing with her over stupid stuff after the breakup. I understand that we were broken up and that she wasn't mine anymore. I understand that booze-fueled Caribbean cruises are more or less designed to make this sort of stuff happen. I understand that he meant nothing and that she still loves me. I understand that she thought I was doing the same thing (I wasn't, and I haven't) and figured she could have her own fun. I understand that she was livid with me after the fight that resulted in me trying to cut off contact.

 

I understand everything. But two weeks! That's all it took after three great years. I really want to move on from this. I just can't get these thoughts out of my head, and I'm really scared that when we're intimate again, that's all I'm going to think about.

 

Ugh. Anyway, sorry for the long rant, I just wanted to get all of this off my chest. Any suggestions on how to get rid of these memories?

[Art_Critic]

It's tough.. but the moment a breakup happens the relationship and commitment are OVER.

She didn't do anything wrong by moving on.. You broke up with her ending the relationship so she went out and got over you..

 

Did you expect her to sit at home and pine away for you ?

 

You just need to forget it.. you executed the breakup and now you aren't happy about what she did after the commitment was gone.. hummmm

 

You could have just as easily slept with someone after 2 weeks too.. if the right girl happened to fall in your lap.. why would that be any different ?

 

If you are going to get back with her then you need to man up and accept that she slept with someone else and let if lie..

otherwise it will push you both apart..

 

remember this..Not her fault...

[Kamille]

If it's any comfort, I found myself on a cruise ship two days after my ex broke up with me because of distance (over a 250 miles distance) and, well, the cruise acted like a sedative. It's completely surreal and you feel completely detached from your life (and that's the point of a cruise right? to allow you to leave all your sorrow and worries behind).

 

Give yourself the chance to forget about it.

[Stockalone]

I agree with Art_Critic. You can't blame her, she was free to do what she wanted to do.

 

 

@ haruna:

 

Whenever you get these images in your head, try the hardest to think about something else. I am sure those images appear unwanted, meaning you don't actually want to think about it. Have you ever played sports and had to learn to block out pain? Had you fight anxiety or fear before? Or have you ever had other images you would like to forget?

 

You can use the same techniques, it is a conscious effort. You need to concentrate on other things when those images appear. It gets easier with time. For some it comes easier than for others. I hope you can get over it, some never do.

 

If you can't get over it and if you dwell on those thoughts of her with another man, it will destroy your relationship.

[haruna]

It's a little comforting, Kamille. From what she told me, the point of the cruise was to forget everything for five days, to have fun in Mexico and the Caribbean, etc. etc. and then get back to real life.

 

Art-Critic. I know it's not her fault. Whoever initiated it, we were broken up, and on top of that, we were still fighting. That doesn't detract from the visceral revulsion I feel any time that I think about the cruise. The fact that she just put herself out there in two weeks and helped some guy get laid easily really, really disturbs me.

[kyta]

It's a little comforting, Kamille. From what she told me, the point of the cruise was to forget everything for five days, to have fun in Mexico and the Caribbean, etc. etc. and then get back to real life.

 

Art-Critic. I know it's not her fault. Whoever initiated it, we were broken up, and on top of that, we were still fighting. That doesn't detract from the visceral revulsion I feel any time that I think about the cruise. The fact that she just put herself out there in two weeks and helped some guy get laid easily really, really disturbs me.

 

 

I know how u feel same here except mine did it a cpl days after the breakup, **** happens let them get on with it move on, pain is pain to all, and we all have to get over it, time will sort that out, but we must help ourselves as well, dont dwell on it, 2 wks after the the breakup, (i didnt know about him) i walked in the bedroom and found her in bed with thwe guy, talk about images in the head, i can pictur it clearly, but try not to, at the end of the day, it was her choice, and weather she cared or not about me when she was with him is irelevant, they can have each other, my life is going to be just fine without her in it, her life! well give a fook, i dont care, or i maydo, but not letting it creep in and destroy me, im no1 now, she is just another girl now.

Still not easy but coping ok.

[haruna]

Thanks for your input, everyone. I only learned about it 3 weeks ago, so it's still quite fresh in my mind. I hope that, with time, it'll fade and happy memories will replace the bitter ones. If anything, it's a learning experience and forced me to mature very quickly.

[Art_Critic]

Thanks for your input, everyone. I only learned about it 3 weeks ago, so it's still quite fresh in my mind. I hope that, with time, it'll fade and happy memories will replace the bitter ones. If anything, it's a learning experience and forced me to mature very quickly.

 

You're going to be okay Haruna.. time will fix it...

 

Until then try and keep your mind from going there... think of something else when you realize you are doing it...

and you are right.. we tend to forget the bad and remember the good over time.. the same will happen with you and your memories of her...

[drewvtr]

My girlfriend of almost 4 years and i decided that we needed to seperate because i was going travelling at the end of the year ( this being in april) I told her i wanted to still see her and leave being friends because i really do love her more than anything else. After 6 weeks of the Breaking up i couldnt do it i realised how much i loved her still and told her. she seemed happy and we got back together, i was going to meet up with her a couple months after i left. anyhow i fo;und out later that she had slept with 2 people. once with one and twice with another while she thought i wanted nothing to do with her. well thats what she says. It hurts so much and you feel betrayed, im still going through it and i still love her so much i just feel it is not worth it if you are going to hold it against them. do you really want that coming up every time you have an argument. I know it would crush me in the long run so i have told her it cant happen. The worst part is i never told her. I had bought her a ticket to come with me and was going to ask her if she wanted to but found this out in the mean time. Also when i found out she told me she didnt and for a month she lied to me until i told her i would hate her if i didnt know the truth and she says it was a mistake and she thought it was over she was trying to forget. I cant and i feel for you because it feels like it wont go away. It will just give it time and hey maybe it was a sign that your ment for better things. Take care

[citizen67]

The lesson from this post is don't tell your bf or ex bf that you had a fling on vacation! Let it stay on vacation. I can't imagine what she was thinking telling you. You were broke up so she didnt cheat, but she would know that this would be hurtful info to have

[sultry33]

i can kind off relate.. my ex didnt understand when we broke up and was doing the still seeing each other not live together bit.. i kissed 2 guys

 

he then said he could not cope if more happened.. part of me thought well im not cheating.. the other felt like i had.. but he let me go..

 

tbh i met someone 5 days after we broke up and very easily could have slept with him.. its life it happens

 

if my ex had done it i would of course be hurt but at end of the day he is not cheating on me.. we are no longer a couple

 

if you are getting another chance then i seriously think you need to get idea immages out of your head.. she didnt cheat on you..

 

she must want you or there would be no chance, plus she likes/loves you enough to be honest about it

 

dont tortue yourself or her for that

[sultry33]

The lesson from this post is don't tell your bf or ex bf that you had a fling on vacation! Let it stay on vacation. I can't imagine what she was thinking telling you. You were broke up so she didnt cheat, but she would know that this would be hurtful info to have

 

agreed... but maybe telling him makes him realise that there are others interested;)

[citizen67]

Sultry - I totally thought the same thing! But he will throw this in her face in every argument they have for however long they stay together - I say deny deny deny, and know for yourself that others want you (like the guy you &*%$ed on the cruise!)

[sultry33]

Sultry - I totally thought the same thing! But he will throw this in her face in every argument they have for however long they stay together - I say deny deny deny, and know for yourself that others want you (like the guy you &*%$ed on the cruise!)

 

lol wasnt me...

i agree somethings you just dont say.. but im thinking maybe she wanted "clean slate" i hopeso.. going to need alot of work i think to rebuild trust even though personally nothing wrong was really done..

 

this should be a lesson to all the dumpers out there huh... never throw away what you may regret later... lol know what i mean;)