Can't let go...

[Chris]

Hello,

 

I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I started dating him very shortly after my divorce and actually met him when I was still married. I have been very attracted to him since the first time we met. We have a very strong communicating relationship and he makes me feel special, loved, and happy. We have one area where we butt heads and we are afraid to take our relationship to the next level. (Life commitment) I am very organized and responsible and he likes to live freely without responsibility. He has a good job, but doesn't mind debt or a messy house. I can't even go to his house because it is so untidy. When he visits my place he picks up after himself. I'm not sure if these issues are enough to validate breaking up our relationship or if we just need to live together to find out if we would be ok together. He doesn't believe in cohabitation before marriage, so this may not be an option. Please give me any advice you might have. I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone and I have had 3 long-term relationships. Thanks!

[Tony T]

A sticky situation here. We often fall in love with people we can't live with. The big decision you have to make is can you live with his free spending habits and his untidyness? Many people go bonkers living with someone who is heavily in debt. Remember, when you marry someone their debts are YOURS TOO!!! He's not likely to change at this stage in life so are you prepared to pick up after him and clean his messes 'til death do you part. If you can work around those things, fine. But I can say from experience that after the wedding bells stop ringing, faults get magnified and that love bucket can quickly empty in the face of situations you can't tolerate. If your communication is as good as you say it is, talk this out very carefully. If these are things you just can't overcome, tolerate, or compromise on, the danger lights will flash. Love conquers many things, but it does not pay off credit cards and clean up messes.

[Shirley]

Hello, I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I started dating him very shortly after my divorce and actually met him when I was still married. I have been very attracted to him since the first time we met. We have a very strong communicating relationship and he makes me feel special, loved, and happy. We have one area where we butt heads and we are afraid to take our relationship to the next level. (Life commitment) I am very organized and responsible and he likes to live freely without responsibility. He has a good job, but doesn't mind debt or a messy house. I can't even go to his house because it is so untidy. When he visits my place he picks up after himself. I'm not sure if these issues are enough to validate breaking up our relationship or if we just need to live together to find out if we would be ok together. He doesn't believe in cohabitation before marriage, so this may not be an option. Please give me any advice you might have. I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone and I have had 3 long-term relationships. Thanks!

 

If you love this man, then you love everything about him. Messiness isn't even an issue when it comes to love. You want to be a part of his life, which includes spending time at his place. If you can't stand being at his house, then you don't love him enough to make a lifetime commitment. And never enter into a relationship with the idea that you can change someone's behavior. It never works.

[Margaret]

I must respectfully disagree with Shirley. I believe that you can love someone, but not love everything about their behavior. There are things with my boyfriend of almost four years that I wish I could change (although I acknowledge that I have no power to do so), and I love him with all my heart and would not flinch about the idea of spending my life with him. We are able to compromise on our areas of disagreement, and I am able to tolerate his "flaws" and he is able to tolerate mine. That is the question for you. Are you two able to communicate and work through these issues, which are serious (debt is NO fun; I've been there!). You stated that you and your man have a loving relationship with good communication. I also think it is a good sign that he's not messy when at your place; he has enough respect for you not to be. But you two need to talk through these things; tell him how you feel. Is he willing to make a conscious effort in these areas? If not, then it may be something you can not tolerate. But they need to be discussed before the commitment to marriage is made. You sound like a smart lady who probably already knows this to be true. But don't hold back. Either way, you will be stronger for this; either with or without him in your future.

 

Best of luck, and I do hope things work out for you two.

If you love this man, then you love everything about him. Messiness isn't even an issue when it comes to love. You want to be a part of his life, which includes spending time at his place. If you can't stand being at his house, then you don't love him enough to make a lifetime commitment. And never enter into a relationship with the idea that you can change someone's behavior. It never works.