Event Horizon Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Just a note of encouragement, kinda: The way I was able to get over the married woman I was seeing was to tell myself that regardless of what happens, I'll NEVER be with her. I convinced myself of this. You have to walk away EMOTIONALLY as well as physically to start healing. One thing I did was to not allow pleasant thoughts about her to enter my head. It is a very difficult thing to do but you can do it. Focus on her negatives. It helps. I can imagine what you are going through after four years of this. I won't lie either, I believe it will be harder on you than it was for me given the time involved in the affair. One experience I'll pass along involves the call she made: It took everything I had in myself to not call her back. I laid on the cold concrete in the garage crying like a baby. Harder then I've cried since I was a kid. When I went back into the garage about an hour later I saw a puddle of liquid and only then realized that was my tears!!!! It hurt SOO bad...but I did it and I was rewarded for sticking out the pain. Anyway, it will hurt like hell, and I know what you're going to have to go through to make it out the other side happy. I PROMISE you though, there is an "other side" waiting for you if you choose to go for it. It is all or nothing though, and I know all too well the fear of letting go for good. And remember, your reward for sticking out the pain MAY NOT BE HER. It may simply be being happy again. No more, no less. For me, it was a very sweet reward indeed. You CAN be happy without this lady, Stampdaddy. E..H Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 Just a note of encouragement, kinda: The way I was able to get over the married woman I was seeing was to tell myself that regardless of what happens, I'll NEVER be with her. I convinced myself of this. You have to walk away EMOTIONALLY as well as physically to start healing. One thing I did was to not allow pleasant thoughts about her to enter my head. It is a very difficult thing to do but you can do it. Focus on her negatives. It helps. I can imagine what you are going through after four years of this. I won't lie either, I believe it will be harder on you than it was for me given the time involved in the affair. One experience I'll pass along involves the call she made: It took everything I had in myself to not call her back. I laid on the cold concrete in the garage crying like a baby. Harder then I've cried since I was a kid. When I went back into the garage about an hour later I saw a puddle of liquid and only then realized that was my tears!!!! It hurt SOO bad...but I did it and I was rewarded for sticking out the pain. Anyway, it will hurt like hell, and I know what you're going to have to go through to make it out the other side happy. I PROMISE you though, there is an "other side" waiting for you if you choose to go for it. It is all or nothing though, and I know all too well the fear of letting go for good. E..H Thank you for the encouragement.. I have thought about doing that, and of course I don't want to think bad things about the person that I love, BUT, I will do so if I have to.. I think my struggle right now is this: She just may be telling the truth. I have not caught her lying to me yet, and she could very well be coming.. She has said that she needs to handle the divorce alone, without me, for many reasons.. Her attorney that she saw a coupel of weeks ago suggested it as well, just to protect several things.. She has said that she doesnt want to create any more damage than she already has.. I am sure that there are some that will scoff at this, but she said that she owes it to her family to end this marriage as honestly and cleanly as she can, and that would be without me waiting down under the lamp post.. She said that in order for we to become "we", it HAS to be done this way.. She said that she would see me in the fall, that she will make me proud and quite honestly, can you imagine the pressure that is on top of her? I am another burden on her shoulders while she watches her marriage come to an end.. (not looking for sympathy for her).. So, I think the best attitude I can have for myself is just this: Don't be a burden in her, let her figure all of this out on her own, DON'T focus on the negative things about her, as we all have those. I am focusing on ME now, for the first time in a long time, and I am being sincere when I say that.. I hardly cry anymore, although my heart is anxious. Still busy with baseball, I am playing alot of golf now, have a magazine that I am publishing coming out in a month etc... Just miss my best friend, that's all... Link to post Share on other sites
Event Horizon Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 although my heart is anxious.. Just miss my best friend, that's all...I know man, I know. E..H Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 ...but she said that she owes it to her family to end this marriage as honestly and cleanly as she can, and that would be without me waiting down under the lamp post.. She said that in order for we to become "we", it HAS to be done this way.. She said that she would see me in the fall... Does this seem completely contradictory to anyone else besides me??? If she's saying that "she'll see you this fall"...then that very very clearly says she's got you "waiting down under the lampost". That would suggest she's lying to everyone here still...probably to herself most of all. What she SHOULD do is get some therapy to help her sort through what she's feeling right now, and how to deal with it. THEN make choices about her future once she's got all that sorted out. Link to post Share on other sites
Event Horizon Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Does this seem completely contradictory to anyone else besides me??? You would have to have been there. I mean, I know you were the one cheated on and had to go through your own hell. I don't try and diminish that, but if you're asking if what stamp says is contradictory, well yeah, it is, but he's caught up in it still. He cannot let go of her because of the fear of losing her. He's not thinking straight. He thinks he is, but he's not. I've been there, and it makes no sense. You do things that make no sense. Rationalization is a huge part of it, too. E..H Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I know he's not thinking straight right now, E.H. I'm trying to help him see the flaws in the logic. The sooner he can start seeing them, the sooner he can start seeing things as they really are, and the sooner he can TRULY start to recover. My personal experience and "side" if you will have nothing to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 I know I am not thinking straight.. I am thinking in circles.. have already admitted that.. I told her there is no "Fall" for me... now I have to believe that too.. Link to post Share on other sites
Event Horizon Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I know he's not thinking straight right now, E.H. I'm trying to help him see the flaws in the logic. The sooner he can start seeing them, the sooner he can start seeing things as they really are, and the sooner he can TRULY start to recover. My personal experience and "side" if you will have nothing to do with it.IMO, everyone's past experiences have some bearing on why and what they post on this site. He knows the flaws in the logic all too well. He can't help himself. There is only one way for stampdaddy to truly start to recover. No contact *AND* letting go of her emotionally. Nothing we say will stop him from what he's doing. E..H Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Then show it to her...show it to yourself! Take actions YOURSELF to show that there is no fall! That's why I keep telling you to take action to prevent contact...to break free from all of this. Right now, you're taking passive measures...you're NOT TAKING ACTIVE STEPS. "I won't answer the phone" vs. "block her calls". One is a passive measure...one is an active step. Until you take back control of the situation...she's going to continue to set the stage, and you're still going to feel like doodoo. Right now, you're just coasting along, and still hoping in your heart that she leaves him and comes to you. Stop coasting...start controlling your own damn life. 'nuff said. I've made my point, and I'll step out now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? Why can't I move on? Why can't I realize I have NOTHING from this but rapidly turning sour memories? WTF? Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Stamp - Are you getting on with your life? I mean really getting on with it? Or do you think you are more in a sort of "limbo-land" that is neither "here" nor "there" as far as this OW is concerned? (Makes me think of the "Waiting Place" in Dr Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go." Which is one of my favorite reads, by the way... And if you haven't read it lately, maybe now might be a good time to pick up a copy and do so. Seriously. There's a lot of wisdom in that man's writings. Even for us grown-ups! ) Time and distance, man. Time and distance. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? Why can't I move on? Why can't I realize I have NOTHING from this but rapidly turning sour memories? WTF? Because you don't cut ties, cleanly and to the letter. You MUST do this and truly stick to your guns if you want results SD! Can't stress that enough my friend. Nor can I tell you what the results will be but even if in the worst case scenario nothing changes for her but your cloud lifts just enough for you to have a clearer picture, that in itself is reason enough to stick to a gameplan. It's time SD you can't keep flip flopping back and forth like this you are going to drive yourself mad. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Does this seem completely contradictory to anyone else besides me??? If she's saying that "she'll see you this fall"...then that very very clearly says she's got you "waiting down under the lampost". That would suggest she's lying to everyone here still...probably to herself most of all. What she SHOULD do is get some therapy to help her sort through what she's feeling right now, and how to deal with it. THEN make choices about her future once she's got all that sorted out. That's what I see here too Owl - SD is "just waiting", marking time...........so really nothing has changed in the R dynamic has it ? Link to post Share on other sites
Event Horizon Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Because you don't cut ties, cleanly and to the letter. You MUST do this and truly stick to your guns if you want results SD! I'll go one further. You must cut ties AND FORGET there ever were any ties. You must put it into your head that NO MATTER WHAT, you will NOT be with her. EVER. Only when you let go of "what could be" or "what might be" will you start down the road to emotional health. You have to live it and work it like a damn drug program almost. I know you're scared to live the rest of your life without her but that will pass!!!! E..H Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? Why can't I move on? Why can't I realize I have NOTHING from this but rapidly turning sour memories? WTF? Hi S.Daddy. I left the forum for a while & recently returned & thought of you just last night. Sorry your brain is still in knots. I have no advice, just a thought. Something in you has to "click" & you will have the determination to end it once & for all. It may not happen soon, but when it does, you will know what I'm talking about. Yes, I'm going by my past personal experience when I say that. But, I also know plenty of people that have been through the same. It's hard to end something that took years to develop. Your on the right path imo. You can't be expected to just move on & never look back. Some may post that, but it's not realistic to "your" situation. No one knows the fine details & emotions of your situation. I wish you well. =^-^= Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? Why can't I move on? Why can't I realize I have NOTHING from this but rapidly turning sour memories? WTF? You have not yet let go of the hope that this will work out with you and she sharing a cozy home together. Hope - the most pernicious of all the evils in Pandora's Box. You have to see her in a different light. Take her off the pedestal and 'get it' deep inside that she's a parasite sucking the life out of you rather than enhancing your life. That even if you ended up with her in your house, that it would the worst thing for you, because she is not a whole, healthy person who can give. That you would forever be twisting yourself into mental and emotional pretzels on her behalf. That she and her actions are what has tainted all your good memories. You have to realize that she isn't good for you, nor are you good with her. A person who turns you into a dependent, weeping mess for months and years on end isn't someone who is good for you. YOU have to come to these realizations so that you have the resolve to cut through the leash she has you on, the one you willingly allow her to lead you on. You haven't done any of that yet. You're still hoping she'll get her divorce and come to you. You still hope. Had you cut off contact with her completely 6 months ago - and I mean completely - you'd be 6 months into your healing and feeling a hell of a lot better and much stronger on your own. Instead, you are just now saying you're in NC...why?...because she's on vacation with her husband and family...you're in NC by default, not by your resolve. Choice is yours to end it. In fact, the choice HAS to be yours - YOU have to make it. Let go of the hope. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Something in you has to "click" & you will have the determination to end it once & for all. It may not happen soon, but when it does, you will know what I'm talking about. Yes - that's it exactly. It's the 'click' of knowing that even if she came crawling to you on hands and knees, divorce papers in hand, full of love and promises, that you would not take her back, that you would not want her back, even though you love her, because she just isn't a person you can be with. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Had you cut off contact with her completely 6 months ago - and I mean completely - you'd be 6 months into your healing and feeling a hell of a lot better and much stronger on your own. Instead, you are just now saying you're in NC...why?...because she's on vacation with her husband and family...you're in NC by default, not by your resolve. This is SO absolutely true and the best comment thus far SD, Norajane is right on the money here. I have noticed this pattern too, every time you decide to go no NC it is by default and by no real initiation of your own. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, I don't mean to, you know I care about you but I am glad others see this too and can point this out. The only way you will feel better about things is if YOU take control of your actions and act on your own merit. When you ask "what's wrong with me why can't I move on" the answer is that, because you have not taken control of the situation. Having said that, I am also a firm believer in what Ms Red said about something having to click, so I was one to support your pase a few months ago even when you were moving towards the right direction, but weren't quite where you needed to be. I feel confident that every time you come back to us you are one step closer to that "cliking" or "snaping" moment and hopefully next time you tell us "ok this time I am moving on" it will be by no initiation on her part but rather YOUR own doing. you'll get there. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? Why can't I move on? Why can't I realize I have NOTHING from this but rapidly turning sour memories? WTF? Stampy, Have you been with anyone else since MW? I wonder if a good roll in the hay with someone else who adores you might help get your mind off of MW and allow you to think of other, better, possibilities? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Think we could fly Stampdaddy up to Canada for a 'session' with Lizzie? :D Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 Stampy, Have you been with anyone else since MW? I wonder if a good roll in the hay with someone else who adores you might help get your mind off of MW and allow you to think of other, better, possibilities? What are you doing later??? Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 What are you doing later??? Ohhh! did I see that coming or what? If I told you I was thinking of saying hey "WF do I see a Loveshack connection about to happen here or what?" would you believe me? That is EXACTLY what I thought when I read your post WhiteFlower Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 I'll bring the shrimp.... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I'll bring the shrimp.... Size does matter, SD Link to post Share on other sites
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