37 and totally inexperieced...

[mattmck]

This is my first post here, and I am seeking advice... I have never had a romantic relationship in my life. I am tring to change this, but I am having no luck at all. I seek advice from friends, family, books, and the internet, but to no avail. I generally suffer from some self-esteem issues, as well as having to deal with a serious obesity problem for most of my adult life (I have lost 260 lbs). The few women I have attempted to ask out have either blown me off or flat out rejected, and I now have a lot of personal resentment towards these women (they are co-workers). And while part of me wants a meaningful relationship with someone, the other part of me just wants to get laid, to make up for lost time/opportunites from when I was over 3 bills. The people I usually lament to are getting sick and tired of me... Well I'm sick and tired of this situation, and I'm afraid of spending the rest of my life alone. Does anyone have any answers that can help?

[slatko]

Hey man,

you lost 260 pounds!

 

You are strong enough and had the discipline to do that, so I'm sure if you're willing to work on your other problem, you`re gonna succeed!

 

Maybe you wanna check out doubleyourdating.com, that's what helped me.

(But stay away from the "pickup-community", most of them are freaks..

 

Oh, and stay away from your coworkers. It's usually way to much trouble.

 

Good luck!

[share&care]

Hey man,

you lost 260 pounds!

 

You are strong enough and had the discipline to do that, so I'm sure if you're willing to work on your other problem, you`re gonna succeed!

 

Maybe you wanna check out doubleyourdating.com, that's what helped me.

(But stay away from the "pickup-community", most of them are freaks..

 

Oh, and stay away from your coworkers. It's usually way to much trouble.

 

Good luck!

Yes, don't date coworkers and don't let them see your resentment. The worst thing you can do is lose your job over this and make your work day a drag. Keep up the good work on losing the weight and don't lose sight of your dream. Some day it will come and hopefully soon:)

[mattmck]

Hey man,

you lost 260 pounds!

 

You are strong enough and had the discipline to do that, so I'm sure if you're willing to work on your other problem, you`re gonna succeed!

 

Maybe you wanna check out doubleyourdating.com, that's what helped me.

(But stay away from the "pickup-community", most of them are freaks..

 

Oh, and stay away from your coworkers. It's usually way to much trouble.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks for the encouragement and suggestions. Unfortunately, I haven't found much that I can relate to when it comes to info on the internet... It all seems to be based on how many women one can approach in a single night. I've always been the guy on the sidelines, too afraid to be uninhibited because of what I think others may think of me. I'm too concerned about seeking approval and acceptance to just be myself. The only thing I could even remotly call a romantic relationship was when I was 14, and I broke it off after getting all kinds of grief from 'friends' because the girl I was seeing was not attractive. Now everyone is telling me that my standards are too high and my expectations are unrealistic.

 

Another issue is that, while I am generally a nice and empathetic person, I feel that I don't quite relate to other people very well. As an example, I was one of the 20% of people that Eharmony turns away because they don't want to risk matching someone to my personality type. I'm very introverted and my mind often wanders in the course of small talk with others. And I'm not comfortable with physical contact with others, outside of the standard quick hug... Often when a woman will reach out to touch my hand or arm, I reflexively draw away. Needless to say, I don't initiate contact myself. I know that is not normal behavior.

 

One other thing...One of the women I asked out had told me a few weeks earlier that she would never want to date me because I was the kind of guy she knew that she could 'walk all over'. Yet 2 weeks after hearing this I tried to ask her out anyway (you don't have to guess what her responce was)! Can some one please tell me what I am doing wrong, and how to correct it before I lose all hope?

[mattmck]

Well, I went out with a bunch of co-workers on Friday, tried to approach as many attractive women as I could... And was shot down hard each and every time. What's worse, one of my co-workers who is somewhat similar in personality (he is about 10 years youngerthan me) was getting numbers right and left from all kinds of hot women. I'm getting more and more discouraged as I even write this. Again... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!

[Explorer]

Well, I went out with a bunch of co-workers on Friday, tried to approach as many attractive women as I could... And was shot down hard each and every time. What's worse, one of my co-workers who is somewhat similar in personality (he is about 10 years youngerthan me) was getting numbers right and left from all kinds of hot women. I'm getting more and more discouraged as I even write this. Again... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!

 

Look at the results in terms of "This didn't work, let's try something different" rather than taking it to heart.

[Lizzie60]

I will be very honest with you.. you lost 260 lbs.. my gawd how much do you weigh now?

 

It could be your personality.. maybe you come across as being 'too nice' too sweet, and it gets on the women's nerves..

 

Maybe you should ask a good friend, one you can trust.. maybe it's the way you dress.. could be your general appearance.. could be a case of bad breath and you don't know it..

 

Bad breath is a huge turn off for me.. and I know a great looking guy, smart, etc.. but MY-MY his breath.. it stinks.. it's insane... but I'm not close enough to tell him.. plus he has a girlfriend...

[You'reasian]

This is my first post here, and I am seeking advice... I have never had a romantic relationship in my life. I am tring to change this, but I am having no luck at all. I seek advice from friends, family, books, and the internet, but to no avail. I generally suffer from some self-esteem issues, as well as having to deal with a serious obesity problem for most of my adult life (I have lost 260 lbs). The few women I have attempted to ask out have either blown me off or flat out rejected, and I now have a lot of personal resentment towards these women (they are co-workers). And while part of me wants a meaningful relationship with someone, the other part of me just wants to get laid, to make up for lost time/opportunites from when I was over 3 bills. The people I usually lament to are getting sick and tired of me... Well I'm sick and tired of this situation, and I'm afraid of spending the rest of my life alone. Does anyone have any answers that can help?

 

Matt,

 

Its best to date women outside of work so you can focus on your job/career.

 

As far as women are concerned, don't be concerned. Focus on yourself - you just lost over 200 lbs and now you need to change the overweight personality into a sleek new one - go to church, join a sports club or find some activity that you can use to invest in your own personal growth and you'll meet the ladies.

[Jilly Bean]

I was one of the 20% of people that Eharmony turns away because they don't want to risk matching someone to my personality type.

 

 

I'm very introverted and my mind often wanders in the course of small talk with others. And I'm not comfortable with physical contact with others, outside of the standard quick hug... Often when a woman will reach out to touch my hand or arm, I reflexively draw away. Needless to say, I don't initiate contact myself. I know that is not normal behavior.

 

Matt - I am not sure what this first part means. What is e-harmony insinuating about your personality? I didn't think they turned anyone away! What did the tell you about your personality that would make you a high risk?

 

Secondly - please don't gloss over the second part of your posting about how your mind wanders and you not being comfortable with physical touch. You are right that this is not normal behavior. But, no one here (including me) is qualified to diagnose why you are exhibiting these traits. But, until you work down to the core of this, all of the rest of the dating babble is irrelevant.

 

Would you consider therapy to uncover these roots?

[Lunar Sonata]

maybe you come across as being 'too nice' too sweet, and it gets on the women's nerves..

F***ed if I change that... Let them get unnerved.

[mattmck]

I currently weigh 240 (I'm 6'2"), and have been consistently at that weight for about 18 months. I started my weight loss program in October, 2005.

 

Yes, I almost certainly come off as too nice, which I'm sure probably makes me look weak and pliable to others. As I said earlier, I'm usually so concerned with gaining acceptance/approval of others, probably because I was not accepted or approved when I was obese.

[mattmck]

Matt - I am not sure what this first part means. What is e-harmony insinuating about your personality? I didn't think they turned anyone away! What did the tell you about your personality that would make you a high risk?

 

Secondly - please don't gloss over the second part of your posting about how your mind wanders and you not being comfortable with physical touch. You are right that this is not normal behavior. But, no one here (including me) is qualified to diagnose why you are exhibiting these traits. But, until you work down to the core of this, all of the rest of the dating babble is irrelevant.

 

Would you consider therapy to uncover these roots?

 

I have considered seeking therapy or councilling for my self-confidence and anxiety issues. I also think it's safe to say that my mental self image has not caught up with my new physical self. I think my discomfort in this type of situation comes from my umfamiliarity with dealing with someone at that level, and what general physical contact means (or doesn't mean), and my fear of being misuderstood or crossing an 'inappropriate line'.

 

Now having said that, I have been told by others that I'm not that bad looking, and shouldn't be have problems drawing interest from women. But I don't sense any kind of feeling of attraction or interest for me from anyone that I meet, whether I try to initiate something or not. I feel I'm percieved as someone who is just 'there', part of the scenery, and not having anything of substance or interest to offer. So what am I missing or not seeing here?

[Lizzie60]

I currently weigh 240 (I'm 6'2"), and have been consistently at that weight for about 18 months. I started my weight loss program in October, 2005.

 

Yes, I almost certainly come off as too nice, which I'm sure probably makes me look weak and pliable to others. As I said earlier, I'm usually so concerned with gaining acceptance/approval of others, probably because I was not accepted or approved when I was obese.

 

 

Now at that weight, 240 and being 6'2" you are perfect IMO. I hate long slim guys.. now you need to build your self confidence.. DO NOT be too nice.. let others do some 'work' don't overdo anything.. just saying.

 

I don't mean to be rude or ignorant.. but you need to be independant... try to accept the 'new you' and this 'new you' is amazing..

[Jilly Bean]

I have considered seeking therapy or councilling for my self-confidence and anxiety issues. I also think it's safe to say that my mental self image has not caught up with my new physical self. I think my discomfort in this type of situation comes from my umfamiliarity with dealing with someone at that level, and what general physical contact means (or doesn't mean), and my fear of being misuderstood or crossing an 'inappropriate line'.

 

Now having said that, I have been told by others that I'm not that bad looking, and shouldn't be have problems drawing interest from women. But I don't sense any kind of feeling of attraction or interest for me from anyone that I meet, whether I try to initiate something or not. I feel I'm percieved as someone who is just 'there', part of the scenery, and not having anything of substance or interest to offer. So what am I missing or not seeing here?

 

Matt - I can fully appreciate you having a chasm to bridge between your "heavy" personality, and your new shape. That rightfully would cause anyone some serious anxiety. Nothing wrong with seeking someone to discuss with this.

 

I was more concerned about your comments about flinching from touch. Do you think this is related? To retract like that isn't normal, as you said, and goes beyond not knowing how to read a situation.

 

What do you think?

[mattmck]

Matt - I can fully appreciate you having a chasm to bridge between your "heavy" personality, and your new shape. That rightfully would cause anyone some serious anxiety. Nothing wrong with seeking someone to discuss with this.

 

I was more concerned about your comments about flinching from touch. Do you think this is related? To retract like that isn't normal, as you said, and goes beyond not knowing how to read a situation.

 

What do you think?

 

I don't know whether my issues with physical contact have to do with my total inexperience (I mean who would want to touch a sweating fat guy), or if it's something more deep seated... I tend to think that it may be the former, and my problem stems from just not knowing how to react or reciprocate. I would like to find someone to be intimate with, it's just that my lack of confidence and tendency to over-analyse everything (esp. when it comes to interacting with other people) always seems to get in the way.

[Samari]

Perhaps you can continue with your weight loss program and maybe get into shape physically? You know, get yourself a nice looking body. Perhaps dress differently? Or just a new image. Like a new haircut and looking very groomed. I think that kind of thing goes a long way to building confidence. What kind of body type do you have now? I know you said you weigh about 240 at 6'2'', but do you come off as muscular, average, or still a little overweight?

[mattmck]

Perhaps you can continue with your weight loss program and maybe get into shape physically? You know, get yourself a nice looking body. Perhaps dress differently? Or just a new image. Like a new haircut and looking very groomed. I think that kind of thing goes a long way to building confidence. What kind of body type do you have now? I know you said you weigh about 240 at 6'2'', but do you come off as muscular, average, or still a little overweight?

 

I look pretty average, although I do have a big frame. I also have some loose skin as a result of my weight loss, and I'm doing what I can to try and tone that up (but I would probably need some kind of plastic surgery to completely shed that). As far as dress/hygene/grooming, I'm pretty normal in those regards as well. I'm no clotheshorse, but I'm not out of place with what I wear, and pretty much a jeans-and-tshirt guy to begin with.

 

Like I said, on the surface I'm a normal guy... I see a lot of normal or below-average looking guys have success in finding women, even having women approach them. Attractive looking women, too, which is what I would like to have happen for myself. Friends tell me I need to chuck those standards out the window for now and just get experience with any woman, no matter how far from my ideal she is... Problem is that I can't even get ONE woman to notice or be drawn to me!

[Jilly Bean]

I don't know whether my issues with physical contact have to do with my total inexperience (I mean who would want to touch a sweating fat guy), or if it's something more deep seated... I tend to think that it may be the former, and my problem stems from just not knowing how to react or reciprocate. I would like to find someone to be intimate with, it's just that my lack of confidence and tendency to over-analyse everything (esp. when it comes to interacting with other people) always seems to get in the way.

 

Hmmm... tough to say here.

 

I still vote counseling, Matt. Only because I really believe you have to cleanse a wound before it will heal. You spent a lifetime hiding out in a body that acted as a barrier to any type of intimacy in your life. Physical AND emotional. Certainly that would take a large toll on anyone's psyche.

 

I think counseling could help you bridge the gap between who you were then and you are now. I think it would involve making peace with FAT MATT, having a memorial service for him, and embracing NEW MATT. In all of his loveability and sweetness.

[AnLandy]

Matt - I am not sure what this first part means. What is e-harmony insinuating about your personality? I didn't think they turned anyone away! What did the tell you about your personality that would make you a high risk?

 

Secondly - please don't gloss over the second part of your posting about how your mind wanders and you not being comfortable with physical touch. You are right that this is not normal behavior. But, no one here (including me) is qualified to diagnose why you are exhibiting these traits. But, until you work down to the core of this, all of the rest of the dating babble is irrelevant.

 

Would you consider therapy to uncover these roots?

 

 

I totally agree with Jilly Bean on this. Counseling can be a powerful tool to help you understand why you don't like physical contact. Also, there can by physiological reasons for why you might be feeling this way. If you have a primary care physician that you trust, I would discuss your anxiety issues with him or her and explain about your dislike of physical contact. Your doctor can provide a referal to therapists or other professionals who might be able to help you be more comfortable in other people's company.

[Ally Boo]

Don't forget girls can sense when you are trying too hard or not really confident. Those could be reasons why you were being turned down.

[Green]

if you do get counsling, I sugest you get it from a man who specializes in this sort of thing. It really just sounds like your not trying to be romantic. Women love that kind of thing. There are lots of books out on how to romance a woman and since its all pretty obvious stuff any book should work. Women love to laugh, so find one who apreciates your sense of humor. Also women love confidence so find a girl you enjoy being yourself around. women also love to have fun so find one who shares your interests. Do those things and you'll be set. Remember its not always about what you can do to impress and get a women, its also about them impressing and winning you over after all it takes two to tango and the same goes for a sexual relationship. Now I'm curiouse are you sucessful? by that I mean do you own a house that you live in alone, and have a reliable and decent car? And have you never had sex with a woman? how about kissed one? when was the last time you kissed a girl on the lips?

[Samari]

I look pretty average, although I do have a big frame. I also have some loose skin as a result of my weight loss, and I'm doing what I can to try and tone that up (but I would probably need some kind of plastic surgery to completely shed that). As far as dress/hygene/grooming, I'm pretty normal in those regards as well. I'm no clotheshorse, but I'm not out of place with what I wear, and pretty much a jeans-and-tshirt guy to begin with.

 

Like I said, on the surface I'm a normal guy... I see a lot of normal or below-average looking guys have success in finding women, even having women approach them. Attractive looking women, too, which is what I would like to have happen for myself. Friends tell me I need to chuck those standards out the window for now and just get experience with any woman, no matter how far from my ideal she is... Problem is that I can't even get ONE woman to notice or be drawn to me!

 

You can do what someone with the best game I've ever seen taught me one night when I was partying in Mexico. Say the weirdest thing possible. "It's all about fun". Nothing freaky or anything, but...I don't know for example if she's wearing a really unique shiny necklace or something you could say "You know, your necklace looks like it could attract wild vermin". Apparently, if she's like "What????" that's a good sign...and if she says that and smiles it's better. Or you could say something wacky like "Your eyes remind me of Jack Nicholson's in this one old movie I just can't remember". It's all about having fun I was told and practicing.

 

Now, I'm not brave enough to do a stunt like that just to improve my game. And my current game is pretty bad. Which is why I'm trying to focus on body building to help attract the females and take that route to make up for the poor charisma skills. Build confidence that way.

 

I was skeptical at first, but he demonstrated this with expert execution almost. He was going home with some random beautiful blonde by the end of the night. Granted, it was in a club, and everything. Everyone was in "that mood", but he was hitting on my friend too and by the end of the night when we left the club she was asking me for his contact information. It was a very strange ability that I had never seen before. Since his approach in my opinion seems really illogical. He basically takes the "act like you're not that interested in them while still be secretly interested, and just some weird stuff like a total weirdo". He literally was telling me how many seconds/minutes he had his "game" down to...and when he demonstrated he was actually quite accurate on his estimate. He just told me that he read a lot of books, and when he had questions he talked to guys that knew the stuff...and he told me to never ever talk to women about dating advice.

[mattmck]

I totally agree with Jilly Bean on this. Counseling can be a powerful tool to help you understand why you don't like physical contact. Also, there can by physiological reasons for why you might be feeling this way. If you have a primary care physician that you trust, I would discuss your anxiety issues with him or her and explain about your dislike of physical contact. Your doctor can provide a referal to therapists or other professionals who might be able to help you be more comfortable in other people's company.

 

I don't think it's that I dislike physical contact, it's just that I'm not used to it... That I don't quite know what it means or how to react to it is what makes me uncomfortable. If a woman was to reach out and grab my hand, what is the proper reaction? What does it mean? Is it an invitation to something, or is it merely because it's what she always does with guys, and nothing more? I'm afraid I just don't know how to read others' actions to determine intent, and I don't want to do the wrong thing and embarass myself and/or upset the woman because I thought wrong.

[mattmck]

if you do get counsling, I sugest you get it from a man who specializes in this sort of thing. It really just sounds like your not trying to be romantic. Women love that kind of thing. There are lots of books out on how to romance a woman and since its all pretty obvious stuff any book should work. Women love to laugh, so find one who apreciates your sense of humor. Also women love confidence so find a girl you enjoy being yourself around. women also love to have fun so find one who shares your interests. Do those things and you'll be set. Remember its not always about what you can do to impress and get a women, its also about them impressing and winning you over after all it takes two to tango and the same goes for a sexual relationship. Now I'm curiouse are you sucessful? by that I mean do you own a house that you live in alone, and have a reliable and decent car? And have you never had sex with a woman? how about kissed one? when was the last time you kissed a girl on the lips?

 

I don't know what you mean by successful... I have a steady job and income, rent an apartment and have a decent car. I'm not rich by any means, but I'm able to pay my bills and have some left over to do some things with. As far as the other part of your question, I did have sex with a 'professional' once about 12 years ago (not my finest moment, and I'm not proud of it). And I have never kissed a woman, not once.

[Samari]

I don't think it's that I dislike physical contact, it's just that I'm not used to it... That I don't quite know what it means or how to react to it is what makes me uncomfortable. If a woman was to reach out and grab my hand, what is the proper reaction? What does it mean? Is it an invitation to something, or is it merely because it's what she always does with guys, and nothing more? I'm afraid I just don't know how to read others' actions to determine intent, and I don't want to do the wrong thing and embarass myself and/or upset the woman because I thought wrong.

Read books and or see a male counselor that can assist you. If what you're seeking is how to attain good "game", then all it really takes is practice. Just like everything else. Honestly it's not that hard. My game sucks, but that's because I don't practice at it. And don't be intimidated by women. There are plenty of fish in the sea. That's one of the few common sayings which I truly believe in.

 

You said you've had previous failure trying to converse with women and essentially get one interested in you. So what's another then? You have nothing to lose. Go out, attain the knowledge and correct path that's documented in tons of books and or via counselor and attack. There is literally no reason to fear females in the situation you're dealing with.