37 and totally inexperieced...

[mattmck]

Don't forget girls can sense when you are trying too hard or not really confident. Those could be reasons why you were being turned down.

 

So, if what you want most can only be achieved by not trying, how then are you supposed to get what it is that you want in the first place? And how can you build confidence when lack thereof is undermining your efforts gain said confidence? These are all circular arguements, and are typical of all the 'non-answers' that I seem to get from everyone else.

[AnLandy]

I don't think it's that I dislike physical contact, it's just that I'm not used to it... That I don't quite know what it means or how to react to it is what makes me uncomfortable. If a woman was to reach out and grab my hand, what is the proper reaction? What does it mean? Is it an invitation to something, or is it merely because it's what she always does with guys, and nothing more? I'm afraid I just don't know how to read others' actions to determine intent, and I don't want to do the wrong thing and embarass myself and/or upset the woman because I thought wrong.

 

 

My 18-year-old nephew has this exact same issue. He has difficulty reading body language and non-verbal cues, so he doesn't know how to react to the other people's actions. We put him through a battery of tests when he was 14, both physical and psychological, and the doctors actually found some answers.

[mattmck]

OK, so here are some of the questions that I'm seeking answers to:

 

1) How do I go about getting women to become attracted to me?

 

2) What are the things that need to do or where are the places I should go to seek out a future mate?

 

3) Is it realistic to pursue a FWB relationship, especially at my age, to address my sexual inexperience issues?

 

4) Should I put things like standards/expectations of potential partners (i.e., attractiveness, age, lifestyle, children, etc.) on the back-burner, and just accept any interested woman no matter what?

[Green]

1) theres no simple answer to that. The obviouse is through food and excersice get your body in the best shape it can be in. Be clean and smell good. Be confident and try stuff your affraid to like touching women in ways you think they want to be touched.

 

2) well obviously you should avoid sitting at home twitling your thumbs. Get out into the community and join clubs like a soccer team or a singles group or take a free class at the library, a book club. It doesn't have to be all about women just making friends is good because it makes you cooler which women love cool guys with alot of friends and your friends can set you up on dates.

 

3) If there is some girl who is your friend and she wants to be FWB sure... but its not generaly something you persue not to mention you'd probably fall in love with any girl who slept with you and that is not FWB.

 

4) of course you shouldn't accept any women, but I'm sure you could be attracted to a wide range of women most other men arent attracted to.

[Samari]

1) theres no simple answer to that. The obviouse is through food and excersice get your body in the best shape it can be in. Be clean and smell good. Be confident and try stuff your affraid to like touching women in ways you think they want to be touched.

 

2) well obviously you should avoid sitting at home twitling your thumbs. Get out into the community and join clubs like a soccer team or a singles group or take a free class at the library, a book club. It doesn't have to be all about women just making friends is good because it makes you cooler which women love cool guys with alot of friends and your friends can set you up on dates.

 

3) If there is some girl who is your friend and she wants to be FWB sure... but its not generaly something you persue not to mention you'd probably fall in love with any girl who slept with you and that is not FWB.

 

4) of course you shouldn't accept any women, but I'm sure you could be attracted to a wide range of women most other men arent attracted to.

Great post.

[Ally Boo]

So, if what you want most can only be achieved by not trying, how then are you supposed to get what it is that you want in the first place? And how can you build confidence when lack thereof is undermining your efforts gain said confidence? These are all circular arguements, and are typical of all the 'non-answers' that I seem to get from everyone else.

 

 

I have learned that when you face that fear of rejection, you gain confidence... no matter what the outcome is. This was probably the hardest lesson for me to learn in my life. You hear that when you are rejected, it doesn't kill you, so you shouldn't be afraid...I was certain I'd be the exception to the rule. There have been times when I felt like the world was over when I was rejected... but the fact remained that when the opportunity presented itself again...it was a lot easier to do and accept the outcome.

[mattmck]

Well, a few weeks later, and nothing much has changed at all for me... I'm sick of being alone and lonely. It seems like everyone around me has a SO or are hooking up with other people. I go out, I put in the effort and go through the motions... and nothing to show for. All I've got is net porn and my hand. I need to find someone soon or I'll go crazy, and I don't want to end up as 40y.o. you-know-what!

 

Any suggestions would be helpful...

[tomwiz]

Well, a few weeks later, and nothing much has changed at all for me... I'm sick of being alone and lonely. It seems like everyone around me has a SO or are hooking up with other people. I go out, I put in the effort and go through the motions... and nothing to show for. All I've got is net porn and my hand. I need to find someone soon or I'll go crazy, and I don't want to end up as 40y.o. you-know-what!

 

Any suggestions would be helpful...

 

 

Suggestion? Get off your @$$, go do something, anything. Based upon your lack of success with women I'd be willing to wager that you don't have great luck with friends either. You just need to be more social. Did you learn how to swim by sitting in your living room? No, you went out and did it. Losing weight was a big step and a great step. You're probably athletic enough now to play sports, join a club activity anyhthing. Start hanging out at a local bar, be a regular...whatever, you'll probably eventually bag some bar hag if thats what your after. Listen, no one is goign to feel sorry for you, its up to you and you alone, no amount of whining about it, being bitter about it is going to do anything. This was the hand you were dealt...evolve or die

[Green]

Suggestion? Get off your @$$, go do something, anything. Based upon your lack of success with women I'd be willing to wager that you don't have great luck with friends either. You just need to be more social. Did you learn how to swim by sitting in your living room? No, you went out and did it. Losing weight was a big step and a great step. You're probably athletic enough now to play sports, join a club activity anyhthing. Start hanging out at a local bar, be a regular...whatever, you'll probably eventually bag some bar hag if thats what your after. Listen, no one is goign to feel sorry for you, its up to you and you alone, no amount of whining about it, being bitter about it is going to do anything. This was the hand you were dealt...evolve or die

 

great post. Yeah this guy needs to stop waisting time or expecting any valuable answer on here. If you want sucess get out there and try a bunch of stuff and blow off some steam by comming on here and writing about the things you are curently trying. When I like a girl do you think I just sit around and wait for magic to make her like me...

[ltrade123]

I feel for you man. My issue was mental illness, took me out of the game for years. I know what it feels like to watch people around me having normal dating lives while I lived as a hermit. I also know how anxious and angry I got at the injustice of it all. Just for the sake of argument, have you ever talked to a doc about depression/anxiety? For me, the proper medication CHANGED MY LIFE!

 

There are other opportunities Matt. NOt to sound crass, but have you thought about traveling overseas? As an American guy you hold a bit more persuasive power with the opposite sex. Now please all, don't jump on me! I'm not advocating Matt break ANY laws or victimize anyone.

 

It's easy to get laid overseas Matt, if you want advice, dial me up. Please talk to someone who has done this to make sure you make a safe choice. IF it's your first time we want to make it as fun and safe as possible....

 

Best!

[mattmck]

OK, so I've made the efforts to go out again and go thru all the steps and motions I've been told will lead me to success, and again there is nothing to show for it. I'm frankly getting sick and tired of all the B.S. advise that is not getting me anywhere... 'lower your standards/expectations', 'just be yourself', 'it will happen when you least expect it'... empty f****** platitudes if you ask me. All I'm looking for is some wisdom and guidance, not meaningless mantras.

 

And as for Tomwiz and his sage advice, all I have to say is f*** you and the horse you rode in on! Unless you have any idea about the pain and rejection that I've had to endure in my life you have no f****** right to belittle my current dilemma. So, unless you have anything constructive to add, then please kindly f*** off!

[Dharmaa]

If you want to meet women go to church where single women outnumber men 10 to 1. Join the singles group appropriate for your age. Find the largest church you have in your area.

 

My only other suggestion is that you find a way to elevate your financial status considerably. I am told that the sort of woman you seem to think you deserve think they deserve men with alot of money.

[Ally Boo]

OK, so I've made the efforts to go out again and go thru all the steps and motions I've been told will lead me to success, and again there is nothing to show for it. I'm frankly getting sick and tired of all the B.S. advise that is not getting me anywhere... 'lower your standards/expectations', 'just be yourself', 'it will happen when you least expect it'... empty f****** platitudes if you ask me. All I'm looking for is some wisdom and guidance, not meaningless mantras.

 

And as for Tomwiz and his sage advice, all I have to say is f*** you and the horse you rode in on! Unless you have any idea about the pain and rejection that I've had to endure in my life you have no f****** right to belittle my current dilemma. So, unless you have anything constructive to add, then please kindly f*** off!

 

You are still fat in your head and not in your body. That's your real problem.

[Mary3]

I currently weigh 240 (I'm 6'2"), and have been consistently at that weight for about 18 months. I started my weight loss program in October, 2005.

 

Yes, I almost certainly come off as too nice, which I'm sure probably makes me look weak and pliable to others. As I said earlier, I'm usually so concerned with gaining acceptance/approval of others, probably because I was not accepted or approved when I was obese.

 

I was curious what size waist pants do you wear now ? What size did you used to wear ?

[whichwayisup]

I have considered seeking therapy or councilling for my self-confidence and anxiety issues. I also think it's safe to say that my mental self image has not caught up with my new physical self. I think my discomfort in this type of situation comes from my umfamiliarity with dealing with someone at that level, and what general physical contact means (or doesn't mean), and my fear of being misuderstood or crossing an 'inappropriate line'.

 

Now having said that, I have been told by others that I'm not that bad looking, and shouldn't be have problems drawing interest from women. But I don't sense any kind of feeling of attraction or interest for me from anyone that I meet, whether I try to initiate something or not. I feel I'm percieved as someone who is just 'there', part of the scenery, and not having anything of substance or interest to offer. So what am I missing or not seeing here?

Google Cognitive Behavour Therapy. This type of therapy is aimed for people who suffer from anxiety disorders, depression etc., so this IS something to look into. Not only will you learn how to deal with your anxiety issues and the feelings it brings along, you'll learn coping skills on how to fight it and take control back - And with that brings confidence and strength.

 

Talk to your family Dr, start looking around (colleges, hospitals, medical clinics) for a Therapist who you click with and trust, someone you can talk to and feel comfortable with. I suffered from anxiety and found a wonderful therapist, but it took 2 try's before finding one I knew would help me.

 

CBT helps you grow as a person too - So you will feel self confident and not need the approval of others. All that matters at the end of the day is you! Remember that!

 

Congrats on losing all that weight! That's a huge accomplishment!

[Riley Freeman]

This is my first post here, and I am seeking advice... I have never had a romantic relationship in my life. I am tring to change this, but I am having no luck at all. I seek advice from friends, family, books, and the internet, but to no avail. I generally suffer from some self-esteem issues, as well as having to deal with a serious obesity problem for most of my adult life (I have lost 260 lbs). The few women I have attempted to ask out have either blown me off or flat out rejected, and I now have a lot of personal resentment towards these women (they are co-workers). And while part of me wants a meaningful relationship with someone, the other part of me just wants to get laid, to make up for lost time/opportunites from when I was over 3 bills. The people I usually lament to are getting sick and tired of me... Well I'm sick and tired of this situation, and I'm afraid of spending the rest of my life alone. Does anyone have any answers that can help?

 

what you need to do is man up............go right back out and ask out girls, start up conversations..........and theres no need to make up for lost time, your 37 and just now starting, thats your business. go to clubs hangout spots and ask girls out make talk and be confident in yourself. the only person holding you back is you............no one else can stop you

[tomwiz]

Your response to me highlights exactly what I was saying. You're playing the victim. Show me one person who has not had to endure some pain of strife, everyone does its a fact of life. Sure some more than others, but how you react to it is what make you who you are.

 

Its simply a numbers game, ask out 20 gals, one is bound to say yes. Maybe the nightclub/bar scene isnt the best for you. How about trying the online thing, ask out girls who may not be hte best looking just for some experience....thats really what you need.

[Throne Of Lies]

Your response to me highlights exactly what I was saying. You're playing the victim. Show me one person who has not had to endure some pain of strife, everyone does its a fact of life. Sure some more than others, but how you react to it is what make you who you are.

 

Its simply a numbers game, ask out 20 gals, one is bound to say yes. Maybe the nightclub/bar scene isnt the best for you. How about trying the online thing, ask out girls who may not be hte best looking just for some experience....thats really what you need.

 

Numbers game-- that is exactly how I put it. Even when you are dealing with really gorgeous women, take enough shots and one will hit something. I may be a little nebulous cluster of electrons but I can confirm that.

 

Here is my scandal. I'm super, really skinny. Picture it. Ok- now ALOT skinner. Ok good. I'm not particularly handsome, or tall or anything like that. About the only natural card I have is that I have a nice low pitched voice. And I have dated some girls who I honestly think could be the most desirable women on Earth. Girls who, after you ask them out, and they say yes, you go "F******, really?"

 

The trick is to always take the shot. Set it up first, but always take it, even if you don't feel like you have a prayer. Because you do, and even if you do get closed down, a funny rejection story is 10x better than those super awesome regret feeling you are getting right about... .... .... now.

[You'reasian]

All I'm looking for is some wisdom and guidance, not meaningless mantras.

 

Matt, the point made earlier by Throne of Lies, Tomwiz and others is that you need to be socially active to meet people. And by being socially active this means going to different places - clubs, bars, social events and what have you so you can meet alot of people. Figure out which scene and crowd works well with your personality/style.

 

Fact: You will face rejection. You will face uncertainty. Eventually, you will succeed - but only after you've screwed up a few times. Take a little time to recover from your rejections, reflect and then get back up and get back into the game!!

 

If you are comfortable in your own skin (meaning happy with who you are) and have real meaning for going out, you will naturally draw people to you.

[hcd03]

Ok, so eHarmony didn't work for you. Know what, the 20% who don't get to look on that site hate eHarmony anyways. I don't know why they have to be soooo picky with all those personality quizes. There are 6 billion people in the world. That means there's someone out there who's going to match you.

 

Try http://www.match.com

 

You can sign up for free and browse or for a fee you can e-mail others. And they don't have sh*tty personality quizes that waste your time. Just be careful and don't get discouraged. You will be told "no" on occasion. But then again, you may find someone you want to meet and hit it off. You don't want just any woman to open her legs, and there are some weirdos on the site. But there are even more women on there who are actually looking for love, dating, a relationship, or even marriage if you're so inclined. You have standards and you shouldn't let people tell you to lower them. Unless they are COMPLETELY unreasonable.

[brothermartin]

OK dude. Depending on where you live, I may be able to help you out. But I need to know one thing first. Are you looking for a true blue relationship, or do you just want to get your jimmy wet?

[lovestruck818]

I currently weigh 240 (I'm 6'2"), and have been consistently at that weight for about 18 months. I started my weight loss program in October, 2005.

 

Yes, I almost certainly come off as too nice, which I'm sure probably makes me look weak and pliable to others. As I said earlier, I'm usually so concerned with gaining acceptance/approval of others, probably because I was not accepted or approved when I was obese.

 

That's awesome- congrats on losing all that weight! And 6'2" @ 240lbs isn't a bad weight at all. My boyfriend is 5'8" and 220lbs.

[mattmck]

First, I want to say sorry for the ugly nature of my last post... I was frustrated and not a little drunk when I posted that. I know everyone here is trying to offer their honest perspective and I appreciate that.

 

That being said, I feel like I am getting nowhere with this. I do think that I am making an honest effort to approach women and trying to make some kind of conversation, but it never seems to last more than a few minutes, and then I get a distinct feeling of disinterest from them. I don't quite know what it is that I'm projecting (or not projecting), but I definitely do not feel any sense that I get any kind of reciprocal attraction from the women that I'm drawn to.

 

Another issue is that I finally told one of the women I had mentioned in an earlier post that I was attracted to her, but to know avail. I had tried to find out everything I could about this woman from her friends/co-workers(is she single, seeing anyone, what does she like,etc.); she was just laid off from our company, and at the farewell blowout for all the pink-slipped employees, I just went ahead and told her. She kind of laughed, but when I asked for her #, she just said she has my work email. Again, I can't quite figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

 

And to answer someone's question about whatis it that I'm seeking: deep relationship or meaningless sex, well the answer is 'both'. I would like to find someone to share life's adventures with, but I'd also like to make up for all the opportunites I missed out on in my 20's when I was buried under all of that fat. I hear a lot of people talk about the wild and crazy sex they were having at that time in their lives... now I'd like to experience that myself. Unfortunately, I fear that I'm too late for that party, although it would be nice to learn otherwise.

 

I guess I'm kind of selfish and shallow, in that I want it both ways, and with someone I consider to be attractive both physically and emotionally. But I don't think I'm not asking for anything more than anyone else would, either.

[Jilly Bean]

Matt, I think you're probably missing confidence when you approach women. We can sense if a guy is hesitant or unsure.

 

So, my suggestion is to fake it until you make it.

 

When I first got into dance professionally, I was ridiculously nervous at that level. So, to combat that, I would pretend I was an actress playing the part of an incredibly accomplished dancer, who would blow away everyone at an audition. I knew I had the talent, but my fears were holding me back and making me a diluted version. Once I did this a number of times, it became second nature to get out there and just perform.

[brothermartin]

First, I want to say sorry for the ugly nature of my last post... I was frustrated and not a little drunk when I posted that. I know everyone here is trying to offer their honest perspective and I appreciate that.

 

That being said, I feel like I am getting nowhere with this. I do think that I am making an honest effort to approach women and trying to make some kind of conversation, but it never seems to last more than a few minutes, and then I get a distinct feeling of disinterest from them. I don't quite know what it is that I'm projecting (or not projecting), but I definitely do not feel any sense that I get any kind of reciprocal attraction from the women that I'm drawn to.

 

Another issue is that I finally told one of the women I had mentioned in an earlier post that I was attracted to her, but to know avail. I had tried to find out everything I could about this woman from her friends/co-workers(is she single, seeing anyone, what does she like,etc.); she was just laid off from our company, and at the farewell blowout for all the pink-slipped employees, I just went ahead and told her. She kind of laughed, but when I asked for her #, she just said she has my work email. Again, I can't quite figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

 

And to answer someone's question about whatis it that I'm seeking: deep relationship or meaningless sex, well the answer is 'both'. I would like to find someone to share life's adventures with, but I'd also like to make up for all the opportunites I missed out on in my 20's when I was buried under all of that fat. I hear a lot of people talk about the wild and crazy sex they were having at that time in their lives... now I'd like to experience that myself. Unfortunately, I fear that I'm too late for that party, although it would be nice to learn otherwise.

 

I guess I'm kind of selfish and shallow, in that I want it both ways, and with someone I consider to be attractive both physically and emotionally. But I don't think I'm not asking for anything more than anyone else would, either.

OK man. Meaningless sex you can get. But, there is a catch. If you really consider yourself "shallow," then that may be where some of your issues are. Give me some examples of the kind of women you find attractive and some of the kind you just want to have sex with, if there is a difference. The type of woman men would settle down with usually aren't the same women they would have a one night scandal with. Although we do, sometimes, get lucky in both respects. If your having some confidence problems with women, I suggest you get comfortable with being in the company of women first. Not like a work related situation, like a personal, more intimate setting. Get some female friends and try hanging out with them. There is an alternative, but I'm not sure if you would be comfortable with it...