megapositive Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 If my ex believes I'm open to dating new guys and maybe have had a date or 2 will that push him away or encourage him to thinking about what he's missing? I'm already handling things differently, like by not calling him to get together, which I'm sure he expects, because I've done it before. I miss him and want to see him, but I don't want to be a doormat. But I'm afraid he'll take the time apart from me to see others, and then we'll have no chance of getting back together. He asked a mutual friend how I am and during the conversation she let him know I was doing ok and that there is a guy or 2 interested in me, but she doesn't know if I've gone out with anybody. What should I do? He's sensitive, and a bit self-centered, so it may not have occured to him that I'd actually date. I don't know how he might feel about all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 What should I do? You are not going to like my answer but here it is anway: Accept that the relationship is over. I know it's not easy and I know it hurst SO much, but you can only do that. The way you do that is by focusing on getting yourself better so that when you actually start dating guys again it will be to find love, not to try to get someone back who doesn't want to give his love to you. Make it clear to him that you are 100% committed to moving on with your actions and don't call or contact him any more, cut all ties and do a 180. Nothing will shock him more than to realise you are getting your life in order and doing the complete opposite of what he expects you to do. He may or may not want to get in touch again, if even out of curiosity to see if you really are over him. But guess what, if you plan this out right and truly focus on accepting this, you might actually meet someone that is BETTER for you along the way and not even want him back. Link to post Share on other sites
PandaStillLovesBunny Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I'm going to actually answer your question, and forget about the advisability of such a strategy. In my experience, if you start dating other people, and your ex is, like you said, a bit self-centered, then he will think of you, if only because someone else is now getting what used to be only his. BUT, this will not cause him to chase you to the moon and back. What it will do is cause him to see that you are truly moving on; he will be slightly hurt/annoyed, and he will start dating even more than you are. I know this because I am sensitive and a bit self-centered. And it's exactly how I reacted when I heard my ex-girlfriend had a new boyfriend. I wanted her back before I found out that she was seeing someone else, but as soon as I heard that she had moved on, I stopped trying with the same intensity that I had had before. If your ex really cares about you, the dating will bother him considerably, but he'll take the old cliche to heart: if it makes you happy, then he'll let you get on with it. And he'll decide that HE needs to get on with it, too. So, putting yourself back on the market again isn't going to drive him into your arms. Based on the information you've provided, I would suggest not to do it. What I would suggest that you do is just tell your damn ex-boyfriend that you want him back. He's asking about you, so he obviously still cares, and you owe it to yourself to find out if that's just gentlemanly consideration or a genuine interest. Guys don't like mind games. We aren't going to chase after you when you show no interest in getting back together. We typically identify this behaviour as "Freakin' Schizo Women Stuff." Don't wait for signs and portents - love's too important for that sh**. ADDENDUM: And, oh yeah, did you ever think about the OTHER GUYS you'd be f****** with when you do something like this? They might be going out with you and expecting it to be an honest shot at romance, not part of some ridiculous game to get back someone whom you've already dumped / dumped you. Let's be fair to the other guys. We've all been other guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author megapositive Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 Thanks for the very honest answer! I wasn't/am not trying to play mind games with him, I just really wanted to know how some guys feel about these things. He always acted like he doesn't get jealous, but if any situation ever came up where he might be he'd jump to the other extreme and *yell* about how he doesn't care, he could care less... that type of thing. So I always figured he was being sensitive and trying to cover up any weird feelings by INSISTING he didn't care. Anyway, that's a little bit beside the point. I don't want to play games with him, I just don't know what to do. I don't want to come off as needy by asking him to get together, I want to give him some space. But I do want him to know how much I care for him. But if I tell him this and he wants to get together right away, am I sending him the message he can just say he needs space whenever he gets angry/defensive about something, and then come back when he's calmed down? He treats his friends the same way, btw. I'm very confused! Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I miss him and want to see him, but I don't want to be a doormat. But by asking this question you are being a doormat. Only a doormat would live their life with the goal of making someone who broke up with them feel a certain way. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Calisto Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Ha ha, you never know because just last night I got a call from a guy I was seeing this past winter for two months. He started becoming distant and acting like I jerk so I ended it and didn't look back. Last week, I went out with a guy (luckily he was great looking, tee hee), and we went to a restaurant where one of his friends works parttime evenings as a server. She was our server! Anyway he said "I heard you got laid last week" right away when I picked up my cell. (I didn't even know it was him since I had deleted him as a contact.) (We absolutely didn't have sex, just kissed a couple times, and not in the restaurant.) I said "What?" Then he explained that his friend had waited on us told him (my ex) that I was there with a guy and it looked "hot and heavy." I said "OK, why are you calling?" He asked if we could get together. I said "no thanks, that's not a good idea." He wanted to talk it out but I made up a quick story that I had to go so I could end the call. So...it did get to this guy who I hadn't heard from since I broke it off in February that I was out with another guy. Link to post Share on other sites
t_veron Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Thanks for the very honest answer! I wasn't/am not trying to play mind games with him, I just really wanted to know how some guys feel about these things. He always acted like he doesn't get jealous, but if any situation ever came up where he might be he'd jump to the other extreme and *yell* about how he doesn't care, he could care less... that type of thing. So I always figured he was being sensitive and trying to cover up any weird feelings by INSISTING he didn't care. Anyway, that's a little bit beside the point. I don't want to play games with him, I just don't know what to do. I don't want to come off as needy by asking him to get together, I want to give him some space. But I do want him to know how much I care for him. But if I tell him this and he wants to get together right away, am I sending him the message he can just say he needs space whenever he gets angry/defensive about something, and then come back when he's calmed down? He treats his friends the same way, btw. I'm very confused! Sounds like you are playing mind games. I've broken up with a few women I cared for because of what you are thinking of doing. Stop expecting men to act like women and pour their every emotion to you in words. Guys are a self-centered and yes we are sensitive so what? Aren't we human too? You're telling me women are not self-centered and sensitive? Don't be another nut job. Games don't work hun. If he's reacting to your jealousy games it tells me two things. 1) you're acting self-centered and testing him so you're already playing mind games. Guys don't like that and he knows it. 2) if he's reacting by action then that should say enough why do you want to break him down and make him say it? This is the part women don't understand and keep doing it over and over. Don't make a guy your girlfriend because then you won't like him. As much as I cared for these girls each one played the same games and thought I'd run to them when they made sure I knew they were dating (using is a better word) other guys to show me what I was missing. Yes it hurt but that just shut the door and I would never want someone manipulative like that long-term. Imagine what they would do after marriage. Years or months later each came back (some married) to say they were sorry for messing up a good thing by playing stupid games. It's your call but love is about trust and honesty and expression through action about your feelings. I don't know why you two broke up, maybe it was your jealousy games. Dating other guys will only show him you are a tramp because the jealousy you played probably came across that you were a player and his gut feeling was right. Email or call him and work things out. Stop listening to people that have failed time and time again by using the same tactics. Things only work out when the games stop from both sides. Words mean nothing in life only actions do. Call him and put aside your pride and be honest. You'll feel better and you'll have your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
t_veron Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Ha ha, you never know because just last night I got a call from a guy I was seeing this past winter for two months. He started becoming distant and acting like I jerk so I ended it and didn't look back. Last week, I went out with a guy (luckily he was great looking, tee hee), and we went to a restaurant where one of his friends works parttime evenings as a server. She was our server! Anyway he said "I heard you got laid last week" right away when I picked up my cell. (I didn't even know it was him since I had deleted him as a contact.) (We absolutely didn't have sex, just kissed a couple times, and not in the restaurant.) I said "What?" Then he explained that his friend had waited on us told him (my ex) that I was there with a guy and it looked "hot and heavy." I said "OK, why are you calling?" He asked if we could get together. I said "no thanks, that's not a good idea." He wanted to talk it out but I made up a quick story that I had to go so I could end the call. So...it did get to this guy who I hadn't heard from since I broke it off in February that I was out with another guy. This does happen to both guys and girls but this wasn't planned as a mind game. You had moved on already. Plus you were smart enough to figure out something was off with this guy and it showed you were right. Any guy (or girl) who wants to go out with you so someone else can't have you doesn't want you for the right reasons. Won't likely work out in the future because we all subconciously want what we can't have. Then when we have it guess what.... we don't want it again. Congrats for getting the final word on the jerk Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I just don't know what to do. I don't want to come off as needy by asking him to get together, I want to give him some space. But I do want him to know how much I care for him. Please! What makes you think he doesn't know that you care? FYI, he knows that already which is why he's so super confident and behaving like a jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
KinAZ Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 If my ex believes I'm open to dating new guys and maybe have had a date or 2 will that push him away or encourage him to thinking about what he's missing? I'm already handling things differently, like by not calling him to get together, which I'm sure he expects, because I've done it before. I miss him and want to see him, but I don't want to be a doormat. But I'm afraid he'll take the time apart from me to see others, and then we'll have no chance of getting back together. He asked a mutual friend how I am and during the conversation she let him know I was doing ok and that there is a guy or 2 interested in me, but she doesn't know if I've gone out with anybody. What should I do? He's sensitive, and a bit self-centered, so it may not have occured to him that I'd actually date. I don't know how he might feel about all this. As silly as this might sound to some people, I've found a relationship between this and a man's zodiac sign. I know that all leos or aries aren't alike, but people in the same sign more often than not tend to exhibit very similar traits. Depending on how POSSESSIVE he is, and how you guys ended things, knowing you're seeing someone else will put you on his mind. And even for the most possessive who aren't so sensitive that knowing this would turn them off, this doesn't mean he'll come running back full force. And in my experience, just because he does come sniffing around because he knows that his place may not be there anymore, that doesn't mean he will have changed at all. It's not going to get you (in most cases) a "baby, I was wrong. I'll change and do better." and then a change in his behavior. At best, you might get a call to see if you're still interested, see if he still has a shot, depending on the relationship and why things ended of course. That is my experience with Aries men, and it seems to have something to do with a combination of possessiveness and a need for validation or reassurance to their ego. And in my experience, even when I did get a "baby, I'll change" the reason I walked away from the relationship in the first place was stiiiiill there. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I think you have to ask yourself why he wanted space in the first place. Was it because he percieved you as needy? Your attempt at manipulating him into getting back together is not a good idea. Why would you want to be with somone who doesn't want you? Truely move on with your life and forget this guy. Some strategy to get him back is not going to work. And besides, do you really want someone to be with you just because they are jealous? Those are the wrong reasons to be together. Accept that your relationship is over and MOVE ON. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 :confused:I'm sorry but I didn't read where this man was an Aries. If that is the case if he wants you he will definitely let you know. I've dated a lot of them in my life and they definitely go after what they want in full force. If he broke up with you it is up to him to come back to you and let you know he made a mistake. Other than that you need to move on. Don't be fooled by emails and calls (at night) because sometimes when a guy breaks up with you he still would like to know if he can get you into bed again. Your playing games like dating (and hurting) other men to get him back is so transparent. Let him see you moving on with your life and doing something constructive (take a class in something completely new for you). This will help to build your self confidence and give you something else to think about besides getting someone back who has apparently moved on but likes to keep you on a string. If you don't want to appear needy then don't be needy. Believe this - any games you attempt with him he will definitely see through. Link to post Share on other sites
KinAZ Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 :confused:I'm sorry but I didn't read where this man was an Aries. If that is the case if he wants you he will definitely let you know. I've dated a lot of them in my life and they definitely go after what they want in full force. The poster didn't state the guy's sign, I was just mentioning it as an example. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 What it will do is cause him to see that you are truly moving on; he will be slightly hurt/annoyed, and he will start dating even more than you are. This is awesome, Panda. I love your guys insight into the "let me make him jealous" technique. I always thought it would work too, but more often than not, it made the guy think I was over him and already moved on. The ones the jealousy would work on are only interested in the game, and not genuinely interested in the girl anyhow. Link to post Share on other sites
t_veron Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 This is awesome, Panda. I love your guys insight into the "let me make him jealous" technique. I always thought it would work too, but more often than not, it made the guy think I was over him and already moved on. The ones the jealousy would work on are only interested in the game, and not genuinely interested in the girl anyhow. Glad you are realizing this JB. You just became a lot more desirable and more of a keeper by leaving the games out. See how good if feels to now say you are bigger than that and you deserve and expect the same from a guy. Link to post Share on other sites
The Y Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 addendum: And, Oh Yeah, Did You Ever Think About The Other Guys You'd Be F****** With When You Do Something Like This? They Might Be Going Out With You And Expecting It To Be An Honest Shot At Romance, Not Part Of Some Ridiculous Game To Get Back Someone Whom You've Already Dumped / Dumped You. Let's Be Fair To The Other Guys. We've All Been Other Guys. <applause> Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 This is a very foolish plan, Megapositive. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Date if you want to date, megapositive. Don't date if you're playing games. Same goes for applying NC. Only do it if you plan to move on. Seriously, why do you want someone back when it's been proven that the relationship is non-viable through break-up? Link to post Share on other sites
Calisto Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 There is nothing wrong for dating just to date though and seeing what happens. Just because a guy asks you out, doesn't mean you're signing on for a major romance. If the guy sees it that way, that's his problem and he has issues anyway. Going out on one or two dates with a guy isn't leading anyone on. (This is for the poster who stated that going out to get over a guy or whatever is f**king other guys over.) Not true. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts