Chrome Barracuda Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 There was something that grogster said about being married to a bisexual woman and he felt as if he couldnt satisfy her. I think that's what's happening here. The thing is the marriage isnt gonna last if he cannot get over him riding some pole. It's not gonna work out. the thing is to the OP it's not your fault. Your only at fault is because you knew he messed with dudes and you married him anyway's. Thats where you messed up. But the best thing I could tell you is that if you do divorce because he cant be faithful then it aint your fault. I hope you get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I'm not making sense of your comment... I'm not making sense of your's either. Oh well. Anyways, I think in OP's case, the husband is either a closeted homosexual or is just tired of bieng with just one person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rap8691 Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 Okay, my head is kind of swimming at this point after getting through all of your comments - and thank you for all of them. I just experienced a huge amount of emotions from all angles and really can't even remember what most of my responses to the individual postings were. But to comment on a few (that I somehow do remember): My husband's past experience(s) was while in college and never with the guy he's going to be seeing soon. That guy is married with two kids and somehow in their conversations over the phone and email it has come up that he is curious. So these conversations have evolved and are now to where we are with the upcoming trip. I don't think my H's past was ever very extensive, but I could be wrong. A common problem of mine lately. Someone (sorry to forget you so soon - carhill maybe?) made a comment that I feel strongly about. Why is it that just because he is bi he has urges that need to be acted upon? I'm not bi, but still have urges, but do not act upon them because I am married! I also do not devour an entire chocolate cake when the urge arises because I am aware of consequences (although I might dig into one here soon). The other thing that makes me so mad when he says that "it would be beautiful if you were with someone else". Well I think he means with another woman. Of course he - and most typical men - would love to see that. The thought of two girls is exciting. What is not exciting to me - and most every other woman I know - is the visual of two men together (no offense to anyone, it's just not a turn-on for me). If I step WAY back and look at this from my hippy side, fine - have an encounter with another man and then come back to me. My realist side (which is MUCH more prevalent) says "ooo, gross - don't stick that thing in me after it's been where it's been". Again, no offense to anyone (but my husband). I also do not think I could ever be physically intimate with him again, nor could I trust him with my feelings or emotions. And that is the biggest thing for me - I lose your trust, there's no room for you anymore. I put trust on a higher level than anything. I am on such a rollercoaster right now. Please keep sending me your comments - I'll have much more to say after this weekend. That's when we have the time to talk and recover from the puffy eyes before having to go back to work. I SO dread the weekend... Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Someone (sorry to forget you so soon - carhill maybe?) made a comment that I feel strongly about. Why is it that just because he is bi he has urges that need to be acted upon? I'm not bi, but still have urges, but do not act upon them because I am married! I also do not devour an entire chocolate cake when the urge arises because I am aware of consequences (although I might dig into one here soon). The other thing that makes me so mad when he says that "it would be beautiful if you were with someone else". Well I think he means with another woman. Of course he - and most typical men - would love to see that. The thought of two girls is exciting. What is not exciting to me - and most every other woman I know - is the visual of two men together (no offense to anyone, it's just not a turn-on for me). Bieng bisexual does not give you special privilages to cheat. Heterosexual people also have urges and become attracted to other people. You either respect your vowels, or be upfront and ask for a divorce. I highlighted this part because it think it shows that your husband really wants to be with someone other than you. I think a big part of the three-way fantisy with a wife and another woman (or man- whateverf) is that the husband can be sexual with someone else without feeling guilt. The wife has "allowed" it to happen so he did nothing wrong. Some people are suggesting that your husband is really homosexual. I really don't know. I do know that if you go through with this you are going to very hurt. I do think that you should seek IC to help you straighten things out. This situation sounds harmful to you. I wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rap8691 Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 Sorry, but I am new at all of this. What does IC mean?!? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 IC = Individual counseling MC = Marital counseling CT = Couple's therapy Link to post Share on other sites
Author rap8691 Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 Wouldn't MC or CT be more advantageous than IT? I have suggested the counseling thing to him but he is not interested (and he's the emoter). I think he thinks it will make things worse. Maybe so - but I can't imagine how. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Rap, I think you're in a difficult position right now. There are such occurances of open relationships and open marriages- it does work for some people, but only when both parties agree to it willingly. If your husband has sex with someone else and you are against it- it's cheating...plain and simple. Being open about his need for an affair doesn't negate the fact that you are against it. I do think it's positive that he feels he can be open with you about his urges and intentions. But you need to be able to do the same with him. You are faced with a choice now. An open relationship will put your health in jeapordy. Your husband can't say for sure that his friend hasn't been intimate with many men, that he is STD or HIV free. As concerned as you are about the "ew" factor...I'd be MORE concerned with the health risks. Your own testimony that you don't want this to happen says all I need to hear. It sounds as if you two want different things out of this marriage. Is his attitude "I am going to do this no matter how you feel!" ? If so- I'd think long and hard about remaining in this relationship. I'm really sorry you are going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rap8691 Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 I just wrote a long response and somehow lost it. Anyway... He doesn't have that attitude of doing it no matter what. But if I don't "allow" this then I am not allowing him to be who he might really be. We are both very good about giving each other our space and are not controlling of each other. We are free to have whatever friends we want, yet we choose to share almost all the same ones. So if I don't allow this I'm afraid that he will resent me for it or that we will get through this for awhile and then it will just all come back up again. My first reaction to the health risk is that he would be safe. We both were tested before being together because of past relationships that we'd both had so I would assume he would use the same caution. Although, he hates condoms. He would rather have no sex (with me) than sex with a condom. This poses a problem. I have no idea what he might do about that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I answered in your other thread, but here's my reply again.. He can't have it both ways, that's cruel and unfair to you. So, I suggest you tell him that if he wants to be with that male friend of his, he can say goodbye to you and divorce. Forget having an open marriage in the future with both men and women - To me, that sounds like someone who doesn't want committment anymore and is using his bi sexual curiousity as an excuse. It will ruin your intimate feelings for him, and ruin your marriage as time goes on. Sorry that you have to go through this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Although, he hates condoms. He would rather have no sex (with me) than sex with a condom. This poses a problem. I have no idea what he might do about that. OK this is wrong, just so wrong..I'm sorry but he's being VERY selfish and isn't thinking of you and the marriage at all. He's thinking of himself and HIS sexual needs. I honestly don't usually tell people to divorce, but this is a HUGE deal breaker. He can't have you as his wife and then go off on a 10 day sex romp with another man, then come home and expect life to be the same, let alone want to have more sex with others included in your sex life together. I wonder if he's having a serious midlife crisis or a breakdown? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Someone (sorry to forget you so soon - carhill maybe?) made a comment that I feel strongly about. Why is it that just because he is bi he has urges that need to be acted upon? I'm not bi, but still have urges, but do not act upon them because I am married Exactly. Bi or not, this is about committment and choosing to want to be with ONE person. He IS using the fact he's bi AS an excuse to go help himself and experience hot sex. Yeah well, life doesn't work that way.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rap8691 Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 I wonder if he's having a serious midlife crisis or a breakdown? I wondered the same thing! He turned 40 last year so I thought that initially, but I don't think so anymore. Maybe we should go car shopping... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Are you willing to go to counselling on your own so you can deal with the emotional side of this. I can only imagine how hard this is on you.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rap8691 Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 I recently left work and sat on the floor of the nearest Barnes & Noble for two hours looking through self-help books, relationship books, erotica books - you name it. I left with an armload. I keep reading those and have now found this site which helps clear my mind. My H offered to read some of the books I bought, too, but he hasn't. Instead he ordered a book online that he read about in one of his magazines about a couples experience into open marriages. I read the online review and think it is very one-sided. He has left the unopened box on my bench (where I leave my purse when I come home). I don't know if that's his way of saying "open this" or what. I just put my purse on top of it each day. But to answer your question, I have thought about counseling. I have no one to talk to about this because I am choosing not to share this about my husband with our friends. My best friend has a very 'counseling' demeanor who knows something is wrong, so we have both met with her individually and talked about problems with our communication, the sexual issues we've had, etc. She knew we were holding something back so my H finally decided to come out to her that he is bisexual. She is very understanding of my position and his as well (she's a lesbian). BUT...she does not know that he is wanting an open marriage. She would absolutely go ballistic - maybe even moreso than I am. So how does one deal with a husband who 1) wants to explore bisexuality, and 2) wants an open marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 My best friend has a very 'counseling' demeanor who knows something is wrong, so we have both met with her individually and talked about problems with our communication, the sexual issues we've had, etc. She knew we were holding something back so my H finally decided to come out to her that he is bisexual. She is very understanding of my position and his as well (she's a lesbian). BUT...she does not know that he is wanting an open marriage. She would absolutely go ballistic - maybe even moreso than I am. I know she wants to help, but because she's your BF and knows your husband well, she may not be the best one to help in the sense of you both talking to her. For you talking to her and getting advice is fine as she is YOUR friend.. She's emotionally involved and too close to be objective to be the 'therapist' in your marriage. So how does one deal with a husband who 1) wants to explore bisexuality, and 2) wants an open marriage? From what you've said, it sounds like there's no way you'd be able to handle this and if he is hellbent on doing this, the only alternative is, to divorce. Just sucks because this has NOTHING to do with love, it's about him wanting hot sex and experiencing something new..And that's not what a marriage is about. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Maybe we should go car shopping... I think a hybrid would be right up his alley Seriously, the more I read, the more this all sounds whacked. Not to be crude, but it sounds like a classic mind f*ck and the OP is the unfortunate recipient. Personally, I think IC would be best. {{{rap8691}}} (those are LS hugs).... Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 This is madness. Open marriages are cop outs, you might meet a new guy and decide to run off with him! he might decide to be fully gay and just admit it. This doesnt bode well for you. And speaking to the best friend he should have told the entire truth! Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 But if I don't "allow" this then I am not allowing him to be who he might really be. We are both very good about giving each other our space and are not controlling of each other. . I feel like you have been heavily brainwashed by him, sorry. If he wants to kill people and molest children, that is who he is too? If he loves addiction of alchohol, is that who he is too? and you will 'allow' and 'give him space' for that??? this is extreme example, only want to show you the picture. Sometimes we really need to confront some serious issues. after marriage, you and your husband become one. his issue is yours, yours is his. His self-destructive behaviours become your concerns too, because his self-destructive behaviours not only hurt you, but harm himself, if you have children, including children. maybe he feel terriblely bored, I wonder if he wants to use excitement and lust to compensate his emptiness in soul? if that is the case, then maybe some new good positive activities that good for soul can remove his weird ideas Link to post Share on other sites
Author rap8691 Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 I don't know what LS means (and I did try to look it up) - but I do appreciate the hugs. And you did add a laugh to my emotional state this evening. Someone commented that I sound brain-washed. If so I think I've done it to myself because I am in denial about all of this. I have to give him credit that he's been open about it all. I just wish this had come a little sooner. I assumed this trip of his had something to do with the bisexual part of this story, but he actually did come right out and tell me that he wants to have sex on this trip with the other man. At least I'm not sitting here wondering about that. Although, at the beginning of our issues a few months ago I did sit around and wonder if he was having an affair - there was no spark between us so it made me curious. Now I wish it had been just an affair (that sounds horrible - I'm sorry if that makes affairs sound less of an ordeal - they are just less of an unknown to me). In fact, I told him last weekend that I am grasping at anything because I don't know of anyone who has gone through this, I've never seen it on a TV show or in a movie - it's just a double-whammy all at once. And I agree that my friend is not the best person for me to be confiding in. She's actually very close to both of us and would never take sides in the situation - unless she knew about the open part. And the reason he didn't tell her that part was because I didn't want him to. He didn't either, but I am having too much trouble accepting this just between us, I don't want to be concerned about how others will perceive it at this time, too. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 LS = LoveShack Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 So how does one deal with a husband who 1) wants to explore bisexuality, and 2) wants an open marriage? One doesn't need to explore bisexuality unless they are a teenager and just discovering who they are. You either are or aren't bisexual. We all know what we are and aren't attracted to. As far as open marriages, they rarely work (not saying that they can't). Emotional ties develope when they aren't supposed to and alliences are drawn. The "odd man out" situation comes into play. In your situation, it is definetely won't work. It sounds like your husband is trying to manipulate you, which is extremely unloving. I guess you can try MC, but I think IC might be better in this case. If you have no children, I would seriously consider a plan to exit this marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Bye-Bye Bi Husband! Fantasy never = REALITY! :mad: 2 can = 1 2 + 1 = 0 Be they hetrosexual, bisexual, or tri-sexual? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Bye-Bye Bi Husband! Fantasy never = REALITY! :mad: 2 can = 1 2 + 1 = 0 Be they hetrosexual, bisexual, or tri-sexual? Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Bye-Bye Bi Husband! Fantasy never = REALITY! :mad: 2 can = 1 2 + 1 = 0 Be they hetrosexual, bisexual, or tri-sexual? I think this sums it up best! Link to post Share on other sites
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