8 years together- no proposal

[denver123girl]

Hello Everyone. this is kind of a long story but i will try to summarize as much as possible. Me and my boyfriend have been togeher since our sophomore year of college when we were 19 or 20 years old. We are now 27. During these 8 years we have been so committed to each other, never fighting for longer than a day, being with each other every free moment we had, doing pretty much everything together. we are best of friends. We are both attractive, intelligent(great jobs) and healthy ppl. I tend to be more of the giver and he is not as affectionate as I am. which is sometimes a problem but overall i love him very much and he means everything to me. and has always been there for me. About a year ago, we finally got aplace together. Its been great, we love our new place and town and couldnt be happier..... except for this ever building resentment over the fact that he hasnt preposed yet. I movedd in with him thinking he would prepose after a few months of living together since my parents are very old fashioned and i have grown up with these same kinds o fold fashioned values where iw ould like to be engaged to someone if i am living with them. i dont want to have to force him to marry me, or push him rather, i wish he would do on his own volition. About a year ago i brought up the fact that i want to get married and its very important to me that we start thinking about our future, where we are going to live, children..... lately weve been stuggling with this as every time i bring up the fact that i want to get married, an argument breaks. he gets mad that i say if u loved me, ud marry me...or ur putting a gun to my head thats not gonna make me want to etc...meanwhile i have always been very forgiving about everything and i think he has learned over the years than he can take advantage of this.

 

He has been so loyal and trusting during these 8 years. I have never had to question him. what bothers me if why he procrastinates so. Before me he had never been with anyone else sexually so i think this may be the reason because i know he loves me more than anything and maybe its just scary for him to marry the first person hes ever loved.. every time i bring up marriage he says it is in the future and that has held me on for the past yr. recently when i ask, he says to stop asking cause he wants the moment to be special and i am only ruining the surprise. our 9 year anniversary is coming up in two weeks. for valentines day i planned this whole romantic vacation hoping that he would plan to propose then,, but nothing. since then my resentment has been building and i finally told him after that trip that i can hold on for only so much longer. i have previousely mentioned that if he lets us celebrate out 9 year anniversary with no proposal or no plans set, then i am givingup. This is in two weeks. so i am freaking out. i want to pretend that everything isok so i dont ruin the moment if there is one...but its hard to cause i am filled with doubt. Recently he left his email up on the screen and i saw an email sent june 5th to a friend asking about if he knows anyone in the diamond business. his friend responded with the details of the contact. instead of being happy about i was resentful about the fact that he waited til only a month before our anniversary to start planning this. i feel like he should have started looking into it awhile ago. im wondering if this is just a general guy thing or if it means something. i dont know what to do, i was planning on waiting for our anniverary to decide but every day its getting harder and harder when i am convincing myself that he is not going to pull through for us. he has always been a procratinator......

I feel like im being made a fool of at this point....9 years will be a very long time. i am beginning to wonder that if he is waiting til the last minute to do this then maybe this isnt really meant to be. Please let me know what u think or what i should do

 

Thank you so much for listening(reading) =)

[hotpinklove85]

I dont think that I could wait 9 years!! THat is a long time, here I am 4 years into my relationship (living together for 2 yrs) and he hasnt proposed to me yet either. He told me in feb. that he planned to do it somtime this year and our 5th yr anniversary is in october. I really dont want to wait that long

 

Does he ever mention future without you bringing it up? Do you think that he is the kind of guy that doesnt NEED marriage? There are alot of guys like that. I am sorry I cant give you much insight because I am going through the same thing (just not near as long) He told me last yr that we are not "finnancially ready". NO ONE is ever really finnancially ready and I feel that if we support a home together for over 2 yrs we are pretty much "finnancially ready". I think mine is just scared of lifelong commitment (I am only his 2nd relationship.)

 

After you 2 have been together this long, how does he introduce you to people? My boyfriends parents introduce me as their daughter-in-law (and I think thats why he feels like he doesnt have to marry me)

 

Like I said, I wish I could give you better advise. I just thought I would let you know that you are not the only one in this boat:)

[Lauriebell82]

I agree that 9 years is a REALLY long time. It sounds like you gave your bf an ultimatum. How did he react to that? If he is looking up jewelers that he might possibly be looking at rings. My advice is that if he doesn't propose on your 9 year anniversary you should move out. Don't tell him you want to break up, just to give you some space to think things out. If he realizes that you have your own life and can be independent from him, he may realize what he is missing.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be very difficult.

[curiousnycgirl]

I agree with LaurieBelle - if you don't get a proposal just move out. Don't make it into a huge drama, just tell him that you've told him before that marriage is important to you, and you told him that if you weren't engaged by your 9th anniversary you would be moving out - so you are moving out.

 

Guys seem to want everything their way! I just don't understand it how they can not be concerned about us and making us happy (as we are concerned about them).

 

Now having said you need to leave, please know that I understand how hard that is - and frankly I have not been able to do it - but recognize just like in my situation, nothing will change as long as we just continue to go with the flow.

[denver123girl]

Thanks guys for responding and taking time to write me. It really is nice of you!! I have a new development. For july 4th i decided that i was going to plan a trip to the beach for two nights for the both of us, to set a romantic setting and just forget about all the crap. I have been a bit demanding lately with the whole marriage thing and i know if must be annpying to have me constantly mentioning it and possibly be causing further delays...i think he wants me to believe in him and us and when i doubt it its very frustrating for him.... so i thought, let me treat us to a nice romantic weekend on the beach! so turns out the hotel only has really expensive oceanfront rooms which would have cost like 700 for two nites so i called up my bf and asked him if he thought that was ludicrous. originally i was going to surprise him but since it was rather expensive i thought id check with him. He basically was a little taken aback and started laughing a bit ....kind of saying that it was very expensive and that we could figure something else to do. so i started with maybe we should just splurge, cause once i get an idea in my head i really wanna do it! he calmy told me that right now hes focused on something else and that he has something better planned for the near future....to which i replied, really? promise...and he said yes....he also said dont get hung up on what day (i think he meant our 9th anniverasry) maybe he wont get the ring in time??? so i said ok and dropped it....what do u guys think?!!? do u think i should keep to the anniversay or give a bit more time. he is a man of his word so i believe him...i just didnt wanna have to wait anymore!! my birthday is coming up in august maybes planning something for that....this is the rest of my life i am talking about should i really be possibly ruining it by getting hung up on a day? Maybe i should try to concentrate on being happy and giving it until my birthday....please let me know what u guys think!!!! there are times when this is very difficult!! but today when i hear him saying these things i know he means them it gets to be a little easier. at the same time, i need him to step up o the plate for us and he knew how my hopes were riding on the anniversary so why didnt he think to make me happy for then....what is he thinking!

[Lauriebell82]

Well I don't advise getting your hopes on one day..but then again you have waited 9 years for this man. It's up to you whether you want to wait until your birthday or not. He could possibly have something planned, but he may not. I'm just afraid that if you keep saying, "okay he's going to do it I know it, so I'll just wait then" it's going to keep doing that.

 

You are right that you need to drop the marriage stuff..and fast. Don't even bring it up! The pressure might be way there is such a delay with the proposal. Men generally don't like to be pressured into anything. I suggest you not even bring it up..it's not like he will forget that you want to get married, he knows you do!

 

Stop bothering him about it and wait and see if he proposes on your anniversary. If he doesn't, then it is up to you whether or not you will wait it out until your bday. I'm just afraid that if you wait until your bday and still no proposal, you will have wasted a few more months.

 

Drop the marriage talk, and see if he proposes.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Someone wrote this in another thread, and it really is true: a woman who will break up with you for "not proposing soon enough" isn't in love with the man, just the idea of being married. Yeah, nine years is a long time, but if he's not ready, he's not ready. If you force him into it (which you certainly are doing), realistically, you're going to end up divorced. But I guess it's a little late for that, sicne you've already guilt-tripepd him into getting you a ring. Oh well!

[stillafool]

Someone wrote this in another thread, and it really is true: a woman who will break up with you for "not proposing soon enough" isn't in love with the man, just the idea of being married. Yeah, nine years is a long time, but if he's not ready, he's not ready. If you force him into it (which you certainly are doing), realistically, you're going to end up divorced. But I guess it's a little late for that, sicne you've already guilt-tripepd him into getting you a ring. Oh well!

 

 

Wow as I was reading this thread I thought about that statement too that I read. I agree. It's either you love that person as he loves you and want to be with him. If you break up with you bf and move on do you feel that you will find someone you will love more? Think about how much time it will take to meet that new guy, fall in love, and wait once again for him to ask you to marry. Meanwhile, the bf you gave the ultimatum to has seem through that game, met someone new who doesn't pressure him about getting married and.....Whala!, you hear he is going to marry her. I don't mean to bring you down but this is something you should think about.

 

I think it is great when a couple move in together because of no other reason than they want to be together, no hidden agendas. I think if it's only marriage you are looking for then you shouldn't move in together because it's too hard to move out and on when you don't get that proposal.

[kladia]

a woman who will break up with you for "not proposing soon enough" isn't in love with the man, just the idea of being married.

 

And a man who is never willing to marry a woman probably isn't truly in love with her, just in love with having guaranteed sex, someone to make them chicken soup when they're sick, stroke their ego. I'm sick of seeing women getting bashed on these forums for ultimatum settings. If they've been together only 2-3 years, yeah, maybe wait a little and don't pressure him, but nine years and at 27 is a little ridiculous. If he's not ready by 27 and he's financially stable, he's probably not ever going to be ready. Though no matter who doesn't love the other enough - either way, if you have to force a proposal, it may not be a happy marriage down the road either...and you both deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them.

 

-"It's like my grandmother always said, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the sex for free?' At least until she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday."

~Brody, Mallrats

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

And a man who is never willing to marry a woman probably isn't truly in love with her, just in love with having guaranteed sex, someone to make them chicken soup when they're sick, stroke their ego.

You're right--and the same can be said moreso for a man who is forced into asking someone to marry him when he's not ready.

 

Love is a component of marriage, sure, but it's certainly not the sum of it.

[lovestruck818]

Hello Everyone. this is kind of a long story but i will try to summarize as much as possible. Me and my boyfriend have been togeher since our sophomore year of college when we were 19 or 20 years old. We are now 27. During these 8 years we have been so committed to each other, never fighting for longer than a day, being with each other every free moment we had, doing pretty much everything together. we are best of friends. We are both attractive, intelligent(great jobs) and healthy ppl. I tend to be more of the giver and he is not as affectionate as I am. which is sometimes a problem but overall i love him very much and he means everything to me. and has always been there for me. About a year ago, we finally got aplace together. Its been great, we love our new place and town and couldnt be happier..... except for this ever building resentment over the fact that he hasnt preposed yet. I movedd in with him thinking he would prepose after a few months of living together since my parents are very old fashioned and i have grown up with these same kinds o fold fashioned values where iw ould like to be engaged to someone if i am living with them. i dont want to have to force him to marry me, or push him rather, i wish he would do on his own volition. About a year ago i brought up the fact that i want to get married and its very important to me that we start thinking about our future, where we are going to live, children..... lately weve been stuggling with this as every time i bring up the fact that i want to get married, an argument breaks. he gets mad that i say if u loved me, ud marry me...or ur putting a gun to my head thats not gonna make me want to etc...meanwhile i have always been very forgiving about everything and i think he has learned over the years than he can take advantage of this.

 

He has been so loyal and trusting during these 8 years. I have never had to question him. what bothers me if why he procrastinates so. Before me he had never been with anyone else sexually so i think this may be the reason because i know he loves me more than anything and maybe its just scary for him to marry the first person hes ever loved.. every time i bring up marriage he says it is in the future and that has held me on for the past yr. recently when i ask, he says to stop asking cause he wants the moment to be special and i am only ruining the surprise. our 9 year anniversary is coming up in two weeks. for valentines day i planned this whole romantic vacation hoping that he would plan to propose then,, but nothing. since then my resentment has been building and i finally told him after that trip that i can hold on for only so much longer. i have previousely mentioned that if he lets us celebrate out 9 year anniversary with no proposal or no plans set, then i am givingup. This is in two weeks. so i am freaking out. i want to pretend that everything isok so i dont ruin the moment if there is one...but its hard to cause i am filled with doubt. Recently he left his email up on the screen and i saw an email sent june 5th to a friend asking about if he knows anyone in the diamond business. his friend responded with the details of the contact. instead of being happy about i was resentful about the fact that he waited til only a month before our anniversary to start planning this. i feel like he should have started looking into it awhile ago. im wondering if this is just a general guy thing or if it means something. i dont know what to do, i was planning on waiting for our anniverary to decide but every day its getting harder and harder when i am convincing myself that he is not going to pull through for us. he has always been a procratinator......

I feel like im being made a fool of at this point....9 years will be a very long time. i am beginning to wonder that if he is waiting til the last minute to do this then maybe this isnt really meant to be. Please let me know what u think or what i should do

 

Thank you so much for listening(reading) =)

 

ever think that living together might be part of the reason why he hasn't proposed yet? Why buy the milk when you can get it for free? So-to-speak, or something like that. It gives guys more an incentive to marry you if you don't live with them prior to an engagement, IMO.

 

Also, I know a couple who has been together since they were 20 also and they are together 9 years. He just proposed to her a month ago. It is actually more common than you think.

 

Good luck to you.

[sb129]

ever think that living together might be part of the reason why he hasn't proposed yet? Why buy the milk when you can get it for free? So-to-speak, or something like that. It gives guys more an incentive to marry you if you don't live with them prior to an engagement, IMO..

 

I am of the "try before you buy" school of thought, and thank goodness I am.

 

I have lived with 2 BFs, and the first one was a total disaster. Living together brought a whole lot of things to light that showed we were not compatible.

 

I moved in with my BF a year ago, and we were worried that it might be too soon seeing as we hadn't been together that long, yet living together had financial benefits.

 

I got a ring on my finger four months later.

[Miss Stress]

I just spent the past hour writing you a heartfelt reply outlining my experiences of the past 10 years and why you should leave him. When I pressed the Post Reply button the site said I was not logged in and I lost everything. I fumming right now.

 

So b/f the site kicks me off again ... all I can say is leave him.

 

He will come running ... ring in hand.

 

It's happened w/every guy I've been in a relationship with. I told them all NO and I'm so glad I did.

 

I'm too frustrated w/this site to keep typing. I'm so angry. I'm sorry ... but just trust me on this one.

 

Miss Stress

[Calisto]

A lot of you aren't going to like my answer, and I don't really want to read your opinions, this is meant for the OP only and she can do what she wants with it.

Since you are on the later side of your twenties, could you go off birth control? You know what I'm getting at.

He needs a wakeup call and you are planning on kids anyway....you have to be willing to get married really soon though, even Vegas or both of you go get married just the two of you somewhere romantic.

However, if the formal wedding is what you want, this won't work.

[sb129]

A lot of you aren't going to like my answer, and I don't really want to read your opinions, this is meant for the OP only and she can do what she wants with it.

Since you are on the later side of your twenties, could you go off birth control? You know what I'm getting at.

He needs a wakeup call and you are planning on kids anyway....you have to be willing to get married really soon though, even Vegas or both of you go get married just the two of you somewhere romantic.

However, if the formal wedding is what you want, this won't work.

 

You have GOT to be kidding?

 

Manipulating a man into marrying you is one thing, manipulating him into being a dad without consulting him is a whole different ball game.

 

That is a ridiculous idea, and one that many people have tried without success, just look at all those single parents out there.

 

A child doesn't cement you together for life, if anything it makes your R harder. A pregnancy also doesn't automatically give you an engagement- those days are long gone.

 

I know a woman who got pregnant in secret to "save" her marriage. Guess what? They still got divorced and now their son will never know what its like to have his parents together- an innocent pawn.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Since you are on the later side of your twenties, could you go off birth control? You know what I'm getting at.

He needs a wakeup call and you are planning on kids anyway....you have to be willing to get married really soon though, even Vegas or both of you go get married just the two of you somewhere romantic.

However, if the formal wedding is what you want, this won't work.

Holy cow, that's terrible. And creepy. But you're the person who says it's okay for a boyfriend to go through his girlfriend's private stuff and throw away any reminders she has of her past, so I guess this makes sense in your world.

[Eilonwy]

...... I can only hope Calisto isn't serious.

 

 

Anyway, I understand it's frustrating to wait for years, but I really agree with the people who said you should stop bringing it up all the time. You're just making it worse for him. It should be something he truly wants too, no? Not just something he does because you keep bothering him about it.

Also, why didn't you propose to him?

[Calisto]

Holy cow, that's terrible. And creepy. But you're the person who says it's okay for a boyfriend to go through his girlfriend's private stuff and throw away any reminders she has of her past, so I guess this makes sense in your world.

 

I didn't say it was OK to go through that stuff, he came up on it. It would be creepy if he would want all this sexual descriptions of other guys, complete with photos of her past sexlife. She was perfectly COOL with letting him get rid of that stuff, she probably felt bad she kept it.

 

As far as the real issue here goes, it was meant for the OP, like I said, I didn't want to read your blasting opinions. She is of good childbearing age and in a committed relationship and it appears her boyfriend doesn't want to lose her. I was raised by one parent and it turned out better than if I had a dad in my life, as my mom was the greatest. So, if he doesn't marry her, then at least she has a beautiful child and she has found out that this guy wasn't really in it for real anyway with her anyway. Of course this would only work if she wants a child at this time and it would make her happy.

[GPFan]

Hi denvergirl,

 

This is when truly understanding the ancient Greek aphorism, Know yourself comes in handy. You are want to set a boundary here. First, boundaries are for yourself not others so it is not an ultimatum in the strictest sense of the word.

 

If it is your priority to settle down and move forward with the rest of your life, then decide for yourself how much longer you are willing to wait. Have a plan in place in case your personal deadline isn't met.

 

Personal power (power over oneself NOT others) dictates that you move ahead in life and achieve your goals under your own direction. You cannot force nor compel anyone else to value your goals and priorities. What you want, ideally, is to build a life with someone whose goals and priorities match your own.

 

 

 

 

A lot of you aren't going to like my answer, and I don't really want to read your opinions, this is meant for the OP only and she can do what she wants with it.

Since you are on the later side of your twenties, could you go off birth control? You know what I'm getting at.

He needs a wakeup call and you are planning on kids anyway....you have to be willing to get married really soon though, even Vegas or both of you go get married just the two of you somewhere romantic.

However, if the formal wedding is what you want, this won't work.

This is the worst advice I have encountered on this forum to date. Wow!

 

You have a good head on your shoulders denvergirl so I do not feel the need to warn you about following this bit of advice. I saw nothing in your original post indicating your goal is single parenthood. Take on board any advice that works for you, ignore the rest.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Girl, either you are too patient or you are afraid to find a man who is willing to work with you. I disagree with you putting yourself off any longer. It is not fair on you and he is not taking your feelings into consideration. I mean, yes there are a lot of people who are not ready or willing for the such commitments and they should find people like themselves. On the same side, there are a lot of people who are looking for a woman who is looking for marriage and are willing to compromise with you. This is how compromise works, for example I have a 3 year rule (if she isn't ready after 3 years, I'm gone, no matter how good it is) and if she has a longer or shorter plan I will work with her around that, but I make sure she knows that I am looking for marriage and that if she isn't willing to walk that road with me, she is better off with someone who is willing to walk her path with her.

 

 

DNR

[D-Lish]

I think you should listen to something important he has said to you...and that is that he doesn't like the idea of being pressured into asking you, because he wants it to be special.

 

The more you bring it up- the more he will feel pressured, and more resentful.

 

Guys do want to think that they have come up with the idea on their own- when they feel pressure, it does take the special part of it away from them... and that won't work in your favour.

 

I don't think you have to leave him- I truly think you just have to stop talking about getting married altogether.

 

You mention that you spend all your time together and that things are pretty great besides the odd bump and the fact that he hasn't proposed yet. My suggestion to you is that you should start doing your own thing. Plan a weekend away with your gf's- join a class or immerse yourself in a hobby.

 

Believe me- it's not love or commitment that is getting in the way of a proposal, it's simply the fact that he feels like the decision is being forced on him. When you stop talking about it, the pressure will come off and he will start to think about it on his own terms.

 

Seriously- start doing your own thing, spending more time focusing on you and outside interests. It's important to have outside interests in a relationship. he'll take notice, and he'll take notice that you have stopped asking him about marriage.

 

He just needs to come to the decision on his own. It takes the romance out of a proposal when a man thinks it is an ultimatem. When you stop asking, he'll relax and I do believe he'll ask on his own accord- which is what you want anyway!

[Dark-N-Romantic]

...Guys do want to think that they have come up with the idea on their own- when they feel pressure, it does take the special part of it away from them... and that won't work in your favour....

 

Not this guy. If a woman feels that way about me, I want her to be bold enough to ask me. And then we both work towards those goals. Now if she wants me to be the one to ask, I can respect that too. If she thinks I am dragging my butt on her, she should let me know and maybe by use talking on equal terms we can come to a happy middle ground.

 

Of course, I am a one of the few men who thinks like this.

 

 

DNR

Is the typical and not so typical man.

[D-Lish]

Not this guy. If a woman feels that way about me, I want her to be bold enough to ask me. And then we both work towards those goals. Now if she wants me to be the one to ask, I can respect that too. If she thinks I am dragging my butt on her, she should let me know and maybe by use talking on equal terms we can come to a happy middle ground.

 

Of course, I am a one of the few men who thinks like this.

 

 

DNR

Is the typical and not so typical man.

 

It's hard to say what kind of man this guy is or isn't because we don't know him.

 

I was with my now ex husband for 4 years when I started putting the pressure on him to get married. I know it took the romance out of it for both him and me. The propsoal didn't come as a surprise to me because I had been asking for it. I know deep in his heart that he resented me for pushing and didn't allow him to come to the conclusion on his own.

 

I don't think anyone can doubt their commitment to one another after 9 years. They met when they were young and seem to have a healthy stable relationship besides the proposal issue.

 

I seriously think that if the OP just relaxes a bit and lets him come to the conclusion on his own that she will get the proposal she wants and deserves.

 

On a side note- my best friend has been dating a guy for 3 years, they are both early 30's and she had been pushing him to get married up until 6 months ago when she realized that pushing him to get married was actually pushing him further away. She began to relax about it and started doing her own thing- seeing her friends she had neglected a bit, started volunteering and joined a mixed sports league... well 2 weeks ago he proposed.

 

Op's bf has stated according to her post that he wants it to be special, a surprise.... That is why I truly believe that backing off the marriage talk will bring her what she desires. He just needs to feel like it is his idea- and to be honest, it will mean more to the OP if she gets the proposal without having to ask for it.

 

I never quite felt right about how my ex proposed to me- mostly because I felt as if I was the one who pushed for it- so his proposal felt like he was doing it for me instead of for us.

[Calisto]

It wasn't advice, just a possibility I put out there. This guy needs to get with the program and a baby would whip him into shape. He is telling her he will marry and have children, well, here's a kid, dude. Time to get married. Sometimes men need decisions made for them to make the step. Sorry but it's true.

Again, not "advice" perse, just throwing it out there. If you're good enough to be giving milk to this guy for free all these years, you're good enough to have this man's child.

[Lauriebell82]

It wasn't advice, just a possibility I put out there. This guy needs to get with the program and a baby would whip him into shape. He is telling her he will marry and have children, well, here's a kid, dude. Time to get married. Sometimes men need decisions made for them to make the step. Sorry but it's true.

Again, not "advice" perse, just throwing it out there. If you're good enough to be giving milk to this guy for free all these years, you're good enough to have this man's child.

 

Wait, you are suggesting she get pregnant and have a kid so this guy will marry her? Yeah, I seriously doubt that will get her to marry him any faster. Anyway, that's totally rediculous and just blantant manipulation on her part.