stillafool Posted July 6, 2008 Share Posted July 6, 2008 It wasn't advice, just a possibility I put out there. This guy needs to get with the program and a baby would whip him into shape. He is telling her he will marry and have children, well, here's a kid, dude. Time to get married. Sometimes men need decisions made for them to make the step. Sorry but it's true. Again, not "advice" perse, just throwing it out there. If you're good enough to be giving milk to this guy for free all these years, you're good enough to have this man's child. You know I get so tired of people saying "why should he marry you when he is getting the milk for free". Well isn't the woman getting the "milk for free" also? Isn't she enjoying the sex, time together, etc., also or why would she be so stupid as to hang around for 9 years without a proposal? Both of them are getting what they want or she wouldn't be there. It isn't fair to hold marriage over someone's head. If one feels that strongly about marriage they shouldn't move in with a person until they get that license. Link to post Share on other sites
lemony fresh Posted July 6, 2008 Share Posted July 6, 2008 Yep, I absolutely think she should move out immediately. [/b] You know I get so tired of people saying "why should he marry you when he is getting the milk for free". Well isn't the woman getting the "milk for free" also? Isn't she enjoying the sex, time together, etc., also or why would she be so stupid as to hang around for 9 years without a proposal? Both of them are getting what they want or she wouldn't be there. It isn't fair to hold marriage over someone's head. If one feels that strongly about marriage they shouldn't move in with a person until they get that license. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 I would move out today! That addresses the values argument. As for the relationship, I would continue to date him but insist that he does NOT propose for at least a year. That way it becomes his decision and not you forcing his hand. Can you imagine walking down the aisle to your groom with the knowledge that he only asked you to marry him so you wouldn't leave him? If he caves to pressure and marries you, you will be reminded of that fact as long as your marriage lasts. And sadly, there is a good chance it won't last. If he doesn't ask you to marry him next year, then you need to decide what you want. You can choose to stay and love him but be unmarried. Or you can leave and find someone else who is ready to commit. I realize that 9 years is a long time. Usually people make up their minds earlier. He might not have asked because you are pressuring him. Or he might not be ready to commit. In the long run you would be better off making your own choices and not his. It would be awful if in 10 years from now when you have 2.5 kids, he says I want a divorce. I only married you because you made me. Link to post Share on other sites
electric_sheep Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 I am of the "try before you buy" school of thought, and thank goodness I am. I have lived with 2 BFs, and the first one was a total disaster. Living together brought a whole lot of things to light that showed we were not compatible. I moved in with my BF a year ago, and we were worried that it might be too soon seeing as we hadn't been together that long, yet living together had financial benefits. I got a ring on my finger four months later. I think indecision is more common today for several reasons, cohabitation being one of them. In the past, relationships moved at a totally different pace... emotionally and sexually. Today, for a couple that cohabitates, the difference between being married and not being married is razor thin, were as in the past, the difference was enormous. It was possible to get married to someone and be utterly clueless about what they think about the simplest of things. If we go back far enough in time, most couples even abstained from sex before marriage. That was certainly an incentive! So, I think it's undeniable the liberal dating practices of today have had an effect on how people view marriage. The timing is different nowadays too. In the past, people would date each other and then propose whilst still in the throes of that initial, crazy, obsessive love. Now people ride out that first, crazy, phase of love, and go through several more phases of a relationship before even thinking about getting married. As a result, men and women end up viewing their relationship more "practically", and they may have reservations and concerns that wouldn't have occurred to them had they proposed while still "blinded" by that initial crush. Link to post Share on other sites
soulseeker Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 I agree with what you said ES... However, I think after 8 years it's time to $hit or get off the pot. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Soulseeker I agree and the one who is pushing for marriage should get off the pot! Link to post Share on other sites
electric_sheep Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I agree with what you said ES... However, I think after 8 years it's time to $hit or get off the pot. Absolutely, assuming it's really important to one of the people in the relationship. If nothing else, it will force him to really evaluate the relationship, and make him come to peace with his reservations, if he has any. Hopefully. The one giving the ultimatum must be prepared for the other possibility too, though. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask someone after 8 years to do some soulseeking. Link to post Share on other sites
electric_sheep Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 My gf is taking a couple of women's studies classes this summer (it is her minor), and in one class they have been talking a lot about love and relationships. I think one of the legacies of the 60's and 70's are the many alternative relationship models to the traditional one of a lifelong partner. Some well known feminists have a view of relationships as being inherently finite and temporary. In their view, relationships fulfill the particular needs a person might have at that time in their life. As a person changes and evolves, it may be that they simply grow out of their relationships. We've all experienced this with friends. I'm actually quite romantic, and these ideas actually make me kind of sad. It's probably not uncommon for people who think this way about relationships to keep it to themselves. Anyway, it's always good to just check and see if the other person is even on the same page, and believes and values the idea of lifelong partnering. If they do, then the hold is probably due to indecision. I mean, in his defense, if you really do believe in lifelong partnering, and you take the idea seriously... it is a little scary! One certainly wouldn't accuse him of recklessness. Link to post Share on other sites
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