Kat Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 My b/f is a man who loves his family and I think that is great. He loves his family so much, he will live in agony so that he doesn't upset them. I think that is not great. His mum is in involved in everything we do. He is currently living at home while we renovate and he comes home from work and has to tell him mum everything he did that day, word for word, just because she wants to know. He doesn't want to upset her, so we just tells her to keep her happy. We moved in and a few of the lights were broken. During the week I went out and bought a new fluro for the lounge room, two days later, his mum turns up with the same light I worked yesterday and his mum babysat while my partner renovated (which I am very thankful of). She came over to out new house and brought food which I had already got (so now we have double of nearly everything), she brought utensils that I had already got, she re-arranged the kitchen to how she liked it, and brought a bloody microwave oven (which we didn't ask her to get). To me, this is over stepping the boundaries. She is coming into my personal space, buying stuff because she doesn't think we can look after ourselves (I see this as a major insult, I am 21 for Christ sake, I am not a baby) and makes things comfortable for her. Another issue is that we are getting all new locks on our new house (as you do) and she is buying them (she bought them for my partners sister, so she has to do the same for us ) and she keeps going on about how SHE wants them. I can even see her having a spare set (she HAS too, she even has a spare key for my partner's car) How do I get her out of my hair? How do I get her to let go of her son? He is nearly 25 for peat's sake. How do I get her to the point where I am able to invite her over, and not have to run away because she has invited herself over? She even got upset when she told my partner she wanted the house painted in a certain style of colours and he said no Don't get me wrong, I am all for mothers loving their sons, but this is beyond amusing. I feel violated, like I am being treated like an idiot, like she thinks I can't do things cause she knows better, and that I don't have a family because she has control of it all. Take Everyone loves Raymond and you have my pain! What do I do? It is getting to the point where I am getting in trouble from my partner because "He doesn't understand what is so bad" I have tried to look at the positive "Oh look, we now have two of everything, spares are great" but I am more worried about my life being invaded and me feeling uncomfortable in my own home Link to post Share on other sites
Cariel Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 I almost hate to tell you this, but until your partner cuts the apron strings and tells mama to butt out, your situation will continue as is...and will probably get worse. Not that mama will stop trying, even if your partner manages to separate himself...my brother and I are in our 40s and our mom is still doing her best to insert herself into every aspect of our lives...even after 20+ years of both of us telling her "It's none of your business". My sister-in-law has to take tranquilizers every time my parents visit them and I've simply put the topic of my bf off-limits - I leave the room if she starts up. Problem is, your partner's mom is tremendously controlling and insecure. Since she's getting her way, she isn't going to change. It's up to your partner to take charge. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
turtle Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 This is definately a tough situation. I would just put up with it until you guys have finished renovating. Just focus on finishing the house ASAP and try to avoid her as much as possible. If she still behaves in the same way after the renovation is complete, it's time to stop ignoring it and take some action. Change the lock on the doors and don't give her a copy. Rearrange the kitchen to how you want it (and perhaps how she would hate it.) Let her know that you would like her to call and not to come over uninvited. If your mother in law still bothers you after the renovation is complete, the only thing I can think of is to talk to your husband. You have to make him understand why she bothers you. It's that whole privacy thing. I think on Sex and the City (if you have ever watched that series on HBO) Charlette had a similar problem. It got resolved when the mother in law accidentally walked in on them having sex. She was so unconfortable that she never came over uninvited again. Best of luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 I have asked him to bring it up with her when something arised. For example, the other year for xmas they went to my partners grandparents place. His mum asked if he wanted to come with them in her car, he replied "No it is ok, I will drive and that way I can just leave and go straight to Kat's", her reply was, oh it is ok, we will get you back early come with us, no mum it is ok, nope you are coming with us. End of story I heard this and got furious. Only the day before she had come over to our place and we asked her if she wanted to have breakfast with us while she was there, she said no, we said "You sure" and she went off her head "What did I just say? When i say no, I mean no" This is when I would of turned around and said "That is right, just when I say no I mean no, which you don't seem to understand". He feels indebted to her and has told me that he doesn't want to regret anything once she is dead (in like 50 years ) and that she did everything for him he will do the same. He is litrally just as sad and annoyed by it as I am, yet he does nothing. What can I do? I have tried to talk to him and he just replies with "I don't know what to do" I don't think it is right for me to butt in as it really has nothing to do with me, and when it does I am never around at the right time to bring an issue up, so I don't feel as if it would be right for me to talk to her. He won't cut the strings, but he says it will all be better once we move in, because we can ignore her from afar. Link to post Share on other sites
turtle Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 It sounds to me like he has to put his foot down and tell her how he feels. He can still be a good son. Regretting something after she passes away? If he lets her annoy you guys for the next 50 or so years then that's something he'll regret. You can ignore the mother in law during the renovation...but after that, your husband has to start being blunt with her. She needs to be told to give you guys your privacy and that you guys can make your own decisions without her input. Your husband is no longer a child, so he needs to stop being treated like one. If the mother in law can't handle your husband standing up to her and putting his foot down, then that's her problem. No need for you guys to feel guilty about putting her in her place. If she takes things the wrong way, then obviously, she has issues. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 People who are controlling don't just quit trying to be controlling and people who let the controlling ones walk all over them don't just quit that, either. I don't know about you, but I would insist that this stuff end BEFORE I moved in with the guy. Since that ship has sailed, you will have to be very firm and, if he doesn't do it as soon as the renovations are over, insist that it be done. This is the type of situation which, if not cut off early, will only get worse as the years pass. And for god's sakes, don't give that woman any keys or else change the locks after they are put in (re-keying a lock doesn't mean buying a whole new one). Too bad some mothers utterly fail to understand that their job is to prepare kids to be able to live like independent humans. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted July 31, 2003 Share Posted July 31, 2003 She rearranged the kitchen. I put it back how I liked it. Went there yesterday and it was back the way she had it before Say up till late last night talking about her with my partner. Apparently she bitches to him about me and then gets annoyed with him when he doesn't side with her. Oh how I love people who should be mature but act like kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 I spoke to her. My b/f did another "Don't talk to me about it" we had a big blow up and I rang her. Told her everything and she got all "Oh I haven't done anything to upset you have I?" I told her not really has I hadn't told her that it had upset me, so she wasn't in trouble. I told her I want to have my own house, I want to look after my own family. I basically got told that "We went through this, we had trouble, we are helping whether you like it or not" So basically I told her what I think, she doesn't see that she has done anything wrong. She hasn't brought anything over for the house or us since we spoke though, and she told me to tell her when she does something wrong. When the renovations are finished, everything she brought over (she claims she brought over for her and her husband to use while there[yes that is right people, you bring cutting boards and microwaves]) I will give back. I don't care what she says. My b/f said I didn't know how much it meant to him that I spoke to his mum. Me and the boy are good again and his mum is tip toeing around me Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted August 11, 2003 Share Posted August 11, 2003 I don't think it is right for me to butt in as it really has nothing to do with me, and when it does I am never around at the right time to bring an issue up, so I don't feel as if it would be right for me to talk to her. I'm glad you spoke to her. It IS your problem that you are at odd with her and it's up to the two of you to work it out. It hard and hurtful to be in the middle of two people you love - you dont' want to hurt either, and you want both to be happy. When we moved into our house my step-MIL came over and told me that the wallpaper was horrid, the pain was terrible, and she arranged my kitchen pantry and cupboards. She thought she was being helpful and I had to grit my teeth and remind myself that was why she was doing it. After she bashed my furniture and told me that I should keep my dogs in the yard now and not the house I told her that it was MY house and that my husband and I would decide how we wanted it. After I rearranged my furniture the way I wanted it, I invited them over. She told me to make sure the dogs were outside and to clean the place and vacuum and maybe even steam clean the carpets so she wouldn't get dog hair on her clothes. My response was that anyone that visits us, leaves with a souvineer & that is dog hair. I suggested she wear something comfortable and that she wouldn't mind getting a few hairs on. They haven't been over in 7 years! On the otherhand, my mother now lives with us and that was difficult. When she moved in the three of us sat down and worked out some house rules. My husband and mother fought a lot that first year, but things have calmed down now and we all get along -- buy my mother is not overbearing and has only sublty hinted to me some things that she thinks would work better. On a couple of occassions she was right - but she is an invalid and stays in her rooms all the time so she doesn't interfere. Still, it was a hard time because I wanted them both to be happy and I didn't want my husband to think I put him second. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted August 11, 2003 Share Posted August 11, 2003 The thing is, my partner has as many issues (and the same ones) that i do, he just doesn't bring them up with her. So I end uplooking like the bad guy Haven't had to deal with anything since we spoke, so hopefully it won't be as bad as it was Link to post Share on other sites
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