A Message to the BS

[Bill1977]

I have read many stories on LS, mainly in the infidelity section, since I discovered my wife’s affair. The details of my experience are irrelevant, mainly because you know them already. You can read them in every story written by a BS. We are the same in many ways. What I think matters is how we interpret these events in our lives. Like everyone who has been betrayed by someone they love I think the dominant question is “How could you do this to me?” I don’t believe that any of us have gotten a satisfactory answer to that. Sure there are reasons as to why, or at least perceived reasons. The WS perhaps felt neglected, unloved, or in some ways will say some driving need in their lives weren’t being met. Perhaps they felt excitement they hadn’t felt in years during the affair. What I would like to discuss is why, although maybe the above-mentioned reasons are true, it doesn’t matter. We are all human, and are all fallible.

 

I would like to address those of you who are just entering this stage in your life, particularly the BS. You have been terribly injured and probably are reeling from the experience. You have been forced by another’s actions to question everything in your life, not just your relationship but also your very worth. Perhaps in some way you feel like you deserve this or had it coming because you were not perfect. I would like to remind you that none of us are. Your worth is equal to, and only equal to, how you feel about yourself, because that alone will dictate how you live your life. If you feel there are aspects of you that need work, then they do. And when you fix those parts of yourself you will discover there is more work to be done. Do not let another’s flawed perception define you.

 

Humans are amazingly adaptable. We have all seen people with severe disabilities and handicaps accomplish things others thought to be impossible. You have suffered a terrible wound, but you do have the power, no matter how weak you feel at this moment, to recover. And you will be stronger for it. You will also see the world in a more realistic way and will be better equipped to navigate it. We have lost our trust in others, but by giving complete trust to another human it was destined to be lost. Who among us eagerly wants to hold someone’s life in his or her hands? If anyone does they deserve trust the least. Even with our children, as parents it is our duty to make them as self-sufficient as we can so they can lead their lives with strength and dignity.

 

I would also like to say to the BS that you don’t ever have to hurt this bad again. Once you get through your initial confusion, take this experience and learn from it. Take your newfound strength that you will inevitably gain and use it as a shield and a compass in your life. You will be a better person for it, and others who have wisdom will recognize it in you. When I discovered my wife’s betrayal the pain was worse than anything I had ever experienced, even the death of my mother. I was weak; I was broken. I looked to everyone I was close to for answers as to why, but there were none to be given. The answer should have been, ‘because you live in this world’.

 

Do not be afraid to give your love again. God knows there’s always room for it here. Just be aware that everything in this world changes in time. That is the way of things. Take what you learn and use it to help others, as there is no greater justification for your suffering than if it can be used to spare another’s theirs.

 

As your wound heals, you will eventually come to the hardest part of this experience; whether to forgive. We all know we cannot forget what happened to us, to do so would be a curse. This is something that I am still dealing with as well, but I have come to realize that deep down I want to forgive. I know that when I am truly able to, what has happened will change from being ‘what I am going through’ to ‘something I have lived through’. I will admit this process is easier if the WS seeks forgiveness. If they do not then what is the motivation to do so? I believe that the motivation lies in freeing yourself from the prison they have built for you. I am not suggesting you stay with the one who has betrayed you. I am also not saying to leave. Be aware that this decision, at least, has no wrong answer. Whether you stay or go you are right to do so. Though there may be many factors involved with this decision such as children or finance, you must do what is right for you. If you are a parent who loves their children you will always be a parent who loves them. Be a part of their lives and fight for that if you are required to do so. They will know in time what had to be done. They want you to be happy, but they might not understand the means you must take to reach that happiness. Do not put the world on your shoulders; every now and then we have to do what is right for us so that we can be better people for others.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share some of my thoughts because I looked so long for answers and found them scarce. I do not claim to be right in my perceptions. I admit I am a fool in many ways, but I hope at least one of you are able to feel a little better. I just want to take my painful experience and give it meaning. I believe that is possible for all of us.

 

Stay strong and remember you are not alone.

[Planofool]

Thank You .......

[angie2443]

Do not be afraid to give your love again. God knows there’s always room for it here. Just be aware that everything in this world changes in time. That is the way of things. Take what you learn and use it to help others, as there is no greater justification for your suffering than if it can be used to spare another’s theirs.

 

This is beautifully put and great advice, for everyone!

[Trialbyfire]

It is well written.

 

For those of you that chose to leave, once you've forgiven, you let go. After you've let go, you move to indifference. When you realize this, it's with a sense of giddiness due to complete and utter relief.

 

Keep in mind that when you forgive, the most important aspect is to forgive yourself.

 

And yes, you do learn to trust and care again, albeit not blindly. This isn't such a bad way to live.

[Chrome Barracuda]

very comforting. Those waywards have no idea what the BS goes through it's a damn shame.

[marlena]

I was a BS. This way of thinking got me through the pain and today I am a better person for it.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[merlin2]

Beautifully put, and just what I needed to hear right now.I'm in that dark place, its never happened to me before, but I was amazed when you said you question everything about yourself when this happens, not just the betrayal.A very empowering post, I will reread this for sure.Thanks.

[jj2007]

I have read many stories on LS, mainly in the infidelity section, since I discovered my wife’s affair. The details of my experience are irrelevant, mainly because you know them already. You can read them in every story written by a BS. We are the same in many ways. What I think matters is how we interpret these events in our lives. Like everyone who has been betrayed by someone they love I think the dominant question is “How could you do this to me?” I don’t believe that any of us have gotten a satisfactory answer to that. Sure there are reasons as to why, or at least perceived reasons. The WS perhaps felt neglected, unloved, or in some ways will say some driving need in their lives weren’t being met. Perhaps they felt excitement they hadn’t felt in years during the affair. What I would like to discuss is why, although maybe the above-mentioned reasons are true, it doesn’t matter. We are all human, and are all fallible.

 

I would like to address those of you who are just entering this stage in your life, particularly the BS. You have been terribly injured and probably are reeling from the experience. You have been forced by another’s actions to question everything in your life, not just your relationship but also your very worth. Perhaps in some way you feel like you deserve this or had it coming because you were not perfect. I would like to remind you that none of us are. Your worth is equal to, and only equal to, how you feel about yourself, because that alone will dictate how you live your life. If you feel there are aspects of you that need work, then they do. And when you fix those parts of yourself you will discover there is more work to be done. Do not let another’s flawed perception define you.

 

Humans are amazingly adaptable. We have all seen people with severe disabilities and handicaps accomplish things others thought to be impossible. You have suffered a terrible wound, but you do have the power, no matter how weak you feel at this moment, to recover. And you will be stronger for it. You will also see the world in a more realistic way and will be better equipped to navigate it. We have lost our trust in others, but by giving complete trust to another human it was destined to be lost. Who among us eagerly wants to hold someone’s life in his or her hands? If anyone does they deserve trust the least. Even with our children, as parents it is our duty to make them as self-sufficient as we can so they can lead their lives with strength and dignity.

 

I would also like to say to the BS that you don’t ever have to hurt this bad again. Once you get through your initial confusion, take this experience and learn from it. Take your newfound strength that you will inevitably gain and use it as a shield and a compass in your life. You will be a better person for it, and others who have wisdom will recognize it in you. When I discovered my wife’s betrayal the pain was worse than anything I had ever experienced, even the death of my mother. I was weak; I was broken. I looked to everyone I was close to for answers as to why, but there were none to be given. The answer should have been, ‘because you live in this world’.

 

Do not be afraid to give your love again. God knows there’s always room for it here. Just be aware that everything in this world changes in time. That is the way of things. Take what you learn and use it to help others, as there is no greater justification for your suffering than if it can be used to spare another’s theirs.

 

As your wound heals, you will eventually come to the hardest part of this experience; whether to forgive. We all know we cannot forget what happened to us, to do so would be a curse. This is something that I am still dealing with as well, but I have come to realize that deep down I want to forgive. I know that when I am truly able to, what has happened will change from being ‘what I am going through’ to ‘something I have lived through’. I will admit this process is easier if the WS seeks forgiveness. If they do not then what is the motivation to do so? I believe that the motivation lies in freeing yourself from the prison they have built for you. I am not suggesting you stay with the one who has betrayed you. I am also not saying to leave. Be aware that this decision, at least, has no wrong answer. Whether you stay or go you are right to do so. Though there may be many factors involved with this decision such as children or finance, you must do what is right for you. If you are a parent who loves their children you will always be a parent who loves them. Be a part of their lives and fight for that if you are required to do so. They will know in time what had to be done. They want you to be happy, but they might not understand the means you must take to reach that happiness. Do not put the world on your shoulders; every now and then we have to do what is right for us so that we can be better people for others.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share some of my thoughts because I looked so long for answers and found them scarce. I do not claim to be right in my perceptions. I admit I am a fool in many ways, but I hope at least one of you are able to feel a little better. I just want to take my painful experience and give it meaning. I believe that is possible for all of us.

 

Stay strong and remember you are not alone.

 

Beautiful! Thank you for sharing!

[kric0216]

That was so beautiful and perfect! Very Touching thank you for posting that, it was exsactly what i needed. I am going to print that out and keep it in my promise box, which is a box of letters i am writing to myself now to remind myself it will get better and what i am learning daily.. it helps when i get down to read positive things..