Why is my mom doing this?

[Haloandhorns85]

Ok, I will try to keep this very long story as short as I possibly can.

 

My mother and stepfather (whom I consider my dad) have been married 8 yrs. Before him, my mother was married twice...both ended horrible. Now, it's happening again. But worse this time.

 

Out of the blue, my mother told my dad she wanted a divorce less then two weeks before their 8th anniversary. She attempted to kick him out and was really horrible to him because he was having a hard time finding somewhere to go. Well, two weeks after she announced the divorce BS, she came to work (we work together in our family business) with a bandana tied around her neck. Would not take it off. Come to find out, she was with another man. I assume she had a hickey. What else would you think? Anyways, so the tables turned and my dad kicked her out instead. She moved out into a rent house down the road. (BTW, we all live within the same neighborhood. sick, i know.)

 

The next thing, they agreed on what to split and decided to do the divorce without lawyers--Big Mistake! they had agreed that my dad would get the tax income refund and stimulus check and my mom would get the money from the truck they sold my brother (who is in Iraq). Well, the tax income refund and stimuls check got put into their joint account. My mother took the half the money and didn't even tell my dad. Then, manipulated my sister-in-law to pay off the truck and give all the money to her. What a b*tch. Since no lawyers are involved, my dad feels he can't do anything about it. (I told him to get a lawyer from the beginning because I know how horribly deceitful and manipulating my mom can be).

 

Now, here's the kicker: She is now seeing his best friend...well, now EX best friend. Seeing that bastard right underneath our noses. She actually brought the SOB up to our work and kissed him right in front of me. I nearly puked. This guy is nasty. He is also a convicted sex offender.

 

I am soooooo upset. And stressed the fck out. Now that she is fcking his best friend, I am the only one my dad has. He turned his back on his family 8 years ago when he married my mom b/c his family hated me and my mom. So really, I am the only one he has now. I feel so horrible for him that it hurts.

 

Not to mention, my mom and I used to be so close. It's always been me and her. We were closer than any of my friends ever were with their moms. We were so close, I told her when I lost my virginity. Now...its like none of the past 23 years matter. When she decided she wanted a divorce, she didn't even bother telling me. Instead, she took off for a week and a half with her friend teresa and my dad had to tell me. We were so close that I was the first one she always told everything to and vice versa. I feel like my mom has disappeared. She has this totally different attitude towards me...almost hatred like. She is rude to me, yells at me. Will not answer the phone or my texts, unless it has to do with work. Which, hell, she hasn't even been coming to work half the time. That or she leaves early. She has told my uncle that she doesn't care how any of this is affecting me...that I've been through a divorce before and this is no different. But it is. I was 10 years old with the first one and 14 years old with the second. I'm 23 now. It's a huge difference. Especially with the way she's been treating me. I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to her but it ends up in a screaming match. I'm afraid she's gonna hit me or something. So i don't even bother talking to her anymore. My brother, who is in Iraq, even hung up on her when she told him the news. She's not making any sense with anything she is doing. Absolutely NO sense. I haven't done anything to deserve being treated this way...except for the fact that I've been there for my dad. Apparently she thinks that no matter what she does I'm suppose to be on her side.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that she is nothing like my mom. It's like an alien has taken over her body and is actively trying to make mine and my dad's life hell. I can't sleep, my skin is breaking out, I can hardly eat because I just get horrible heartburn and feel sick. I don't have the money to go talk to a professional...no health insurance. I am so sad. I love my mom so much. And I need her. All I want to do when I thnk about it is cry. I miss her so much. I miss talking to her. I miss hugging her and telling her I love her everyday. I miss hearing that she loves me. Its like she's dead, but not. I know it doesn't make sense, but that's what I feel like.

 

I also should point out that my mother is turning 40 this year. And that she had a partial hysterectomy at the age of 26. My dad and I think this could be menopause related. Do you think that is possible? If so, is she ever gonna go back to being my mom? Is she ever gonna come to her senses? Would going to a doc help her? If so, any ideas on getting her to go? I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like my family is falling apart. I feel like I need to do something but I don't know what it is. Please, someone, help me.

[annieo]

I am sorry for what you are going through, and I have to say that you come across as being a really together and loving daughter. She's lucky to have you.

 

My feeling is that she is stuck in some sort of serial monogamy pattern, and her way of leaving (this time, anyway, you didn't mention how the other two marriages broke up) is to take up with someone new. Because she doesn't want to be without a partner, but is trying to recreate the thrill of a new relationship. That's probably why she's doing it. Plus, she's hitting middle age, which can make people get a little desperate and crazy.

 

What's unfair and selfish is that she's doing this at the expense of your sense of security, not to mention raking your stepfather's heart over the coals.

 

Try to hang in there. You don't have to approve of what she's doing, but she's your mom no matter what she does. If you can still maintain some sort of relationship with her, try to. At your age, you must realize that her life and yours are not totally entwined, and that you can create your own happiness and stability, through friends, other relatives, work, etc. Good luck to you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think until your moms start acting right. Then you should have limited contact with her. One day she may regret her actions but they way she is now, it's gonna be difficult to get through that fog.

 

Your stepfather is a great man. But yopu know what one day he'll move on and just think your mom did him a favor by leaving. Harsh as that sounds, think about it, your moms a serial cheater and treats people like garbage, engages in exit affairs to leave her marriages. 3 marriages already and now she's dating someone else? C'mon! She has issues no one else, and she has to fix them herself.

[Haloandhorns85]

But do you thinks its menopausal or mid-life crisis? Like...could a doc help? Or any suggestions on getting her to a counselor?

 

Its just so weird. After she has said and done all of this, she came into work today like nothing was wrong. Started talking to me as if every thing was normal. Wtf?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Is she still messing around on your steppops?

 

Then if so continue to ignore her. light 180 and just go have fun with your stepops. She is messed up in the head and possibly got bi-polar disorder.

 

I'm surprised she just came up and acted like nothing was wrong, you should have ripped her a new one!!!

[Haloandhorns85]

Is she still messing around on your steppops?

 

Then if so continue to ignore her. light 180 and just go have fun with your stepops. She is messed up in the head and possibly got bi-polar disorder.

 

I'm surprised she just came up and acted like nothing was wrong, you should have ripped her a new one!!!

 

 

Umm, yeah , I'm kind of scared of her. She has a tendency to slap me when I "disrespect" her. And she is still my mom. But yeah, she is still seeing that guy. Ug. And really just smearing it in our faces too.

[Chrome Barracuda]

She slaps a grown adult daughter???

 

WTF? I dont know but if my father hit me now at my age. I might have to snap his spine.

 

Go 180, she's a looser and let this OM take care of all her needs.

 

One day she'll wake up but until then keep it moving. she isnt worth it. the more you stand your ground the more she will back down. she might be bi-polar or something.

[annieo]

Umm, yeah , I'm kind of scared of her. She has a tendency to slap me when I "disrespect" her. And she is still my mom. But yeah, she is still seeing that guy. Ug. And really just smearing it in our faces too.

 

OK, I didn't know that she got physical with you. Cripes! Not cool (or legal, it's called assault, even when it's leveled at a relative).

Save yourself and your sense of yourself and get some distance. Maybe one day things will be better for you to have relationship with her, but now, she's not making that even remotely possible.

Find some comfort in the people in your life who respect and love you.

[mental_traveller]

She hits you? Er, how about sending her sorry ass to jail? She needs to snap out of her funk and you being passive isn't going to cut it. Either cut her off totally and don't speak to her while she's like this, or confront her persistently and aggressively (not physically aggressive, I just mean let her have a piece of your mind often).

[Haloandhorns85]

Well, she hasn't hit me in a while. Not since I lived with her, but I moved out 4 years ago.

 

My dad filed a complaint yesterday on her new bf b/c he is harrassing him and threatening his life. I happened to be there when the Sheriff's Deputy pulled up and took his statement. We happened to know some of the same people within the community and started talking. The officer took my name, but I had no idea why. Last night around 9, my mom called me. Started in on me how I'm not a witness to anything, blah, blah, blah. Well, I wasn't a witness, but apparently the officer put me down on the report as a witness. I mean, she lit into me like I had filed the report on her! I told her that I wasn't a witness but that I happened to be there when the police officer showed up. I didn't even get to finish cuz she ran right over me talking. So, I hung up on her. She called me back about 5 minutes later yelling at me "He is not your dad! He's only your f'n stepdad! I'm your f'n mother!" She kept tellin me he's only your f'n stepdad! I told her I don't think of it that way and that's all that matters. He is my dad, if not by blood, then by love. Oooh...that pissed her off big time. Then she started on the report my dad filed tellin me to tell her what it was about. I told her that her bf is sending my dad taunting texts and calling and theatening his life. She responded with "what? What did he "supposidily" say?" I told her that I wasn't at liberty to discuss that with her and that if she really wanted to know, she needed to talk to my dad about that. Then I hung up and didn't answer the phone when she called back. THEN, this morning at work it was like nothing was ever said! I bawled for about 10 minutes after the last time I hung up on her. I am at my wits-end with her. I don't even want to talk to her. I have decided I am not going to answer the phone when she calls me anymore. And I'm not going to pretend everything is ok anymore. I went to the doc this morning for my yearly check up and I have lost 5 lbs in 2 months. That's quite alot for me seeing as I am only 84lbs. now. (I am also only 5'2. Very tiny frame, but still!) I am now upset that this is taking a toll on my health and she doesn't even care. I told her what the doc said and she just shrugged her shoulders and said you've always been tiny. Whatever. I'm think I'm just about done with all of it.

[Haloandhorns85]

I just feel so wrong about cutting her out of my life though. Even after all of this. I feel a lot of guilt. What if something happens to her while we're not speaking? I still do love her.

[theobserver]

All you can do is try to be civil with your mother. It's like someone said hell she could be the female hitler but she's still your mother. Try not to get too involved even though by default it is your business. What she's done is horrible and so selfish but it will all blow over after a few years.

Your step-dad sounds like a good guy, hopefully he will continue to be a fatherly figure and not cut you out of his life completely but even with him try to keep it civil.

 

My wife has a great step-dad that is still apart of her and now our life and he is a stand up guy to this day even though he is not with her mother anymore.

 

Your Mother has serious issues but to be honest at this stage in her life it doesn't seem like she can be bothered to change. Again try to just focus more on your life you don't have to cut your mum out of your life but you can keep a polite distance we don't have to like our parent(s) but we can still answer calls and send cards on holidays for what it's worth.

 

Off Topic I too wouldn't be surprised if she's been screwing about with your step-dads mate for a long time could be possible she wanted to leave your step-dad for along time and was did need a fallback guy to "look after and love her" as so many needy people are regardless of the destruction they leave behind.

 

Goood Luck and... chin up

[Chrome Barracuda]

You ever seen that movie mommie dearest???

 

There are some things you can fix, and some things you cant. If she continues with this behavior you might not have no choice but to tell her to leave you alone. Just because they our parents dont mean we have to be their punching bags. As a grown woman she shouldnt be hitting you when your basically calling out her bad behavior. I suggest she may have some mental issues, but only she can fix them. and you dont have to be her emotional punching bag.

 

How many times was she married and did all of them end in affairs???

 

C'mon it doesnt take a rocket scientist to see she doesnt have issues!

[Ssheena]

first of all, big hug. You need someone or someones in your life that know what a real mother is and how a real mother would be treating you.

 

Your mother is not a good mother. She is not worthy of the title mother. I know, only too well, how sad that can make someone feel. You think, your mother should love you and want what's best for you and treat you with respect but she doesn't and that really, really hurts.

 

You have to step back and look at her without letting the fact that society says you "should". You in this case, shouldn't. She is acting like a immature, irresponsible child.

 

(I'm getting this picture of Hulk Holgan's wife and the 19year old ...ewww! Same thing.)

 

Do I think it has anything to do with her age or menopause issues or mid-life? No. I think those are "outs" and excuses you are trying to come up with to excuse her behavior.

 

You and your step-father/dad stick together. You guys use each other as each other's backs. Surround yourself with people who will help you and support you. Do NOT feel guilty for any of your feelings towards your mother. Do not think about "what if". Be in the moment.

 

I would strongly suggest you find someone to talk to about this, a counselor, therapist, priest, mother figure, someone. Do not speak to your mother. Do not have contact with her. If you have to work with her and she trys to talk to you, remove yourself from the situation. Say, I'm sorry but right now, I do not wish to have any communication with you at all, turn your back and walk away. Look at how your brother reacted. That's what you need to do.

 

It could be that your mother has a disorder of some sorts (with all the labels these days, I'm sure of it) but it seems to me that she is just a narcisstic beotch who is incapable of thinking about anyone else. Again, she is not worthy of the title "mother".

 

My heart goes out to you and your step-dad.