14 months on....I'm still not over him :(

[Keelz]

Someone, please help me, I feel so sad right now

 

Sorry if this is disjointed, I'm just typing what comes to my head.

 

I'm embarassed to admit that 14 months after my ex ended our relationship, I'm still not over him...at all. The grieving process has been somewhat interrupted by his presence at University over the past year in all my lectures, and probably due to the fact we are remaining friends. Although I feel I probably should have cut contact with him by now to try and release the hold he has over me (I'm very dependent on him), this really does not feel like an option right now, I don't have the strength to endure it, especially when he is nearby for another year. I do not like the way my emotions are so dependent on his actions, but I really don't know how to solve this. I've never loved another like I loved/love him. Please don't say I'm obsessed as opposed to being in love, this is not the case.

 

I feel that my love for him is stronger than his love is for me - he claims to still love me but not be in a position whereby he can handle a relationship (he and I are young, 22 years of age, and I would say he is somewhat emotionally immature), but most of the time his feelings aren't obvious to me. I'd give anything to make us work, but his love obviously isn't strong enough, else he'd feel the same way, right?. Or is it really feasable that he is just too cowardly to what it takes? Most of the time you'd think he felt nothing for me (this may be my imagination, I really don't know anymore, his behaviour is so confusing and inconsistent).

 

There have been a couple of occassions where he has told me how he misses me and still loves me, and again embarassingly there have been a few FWB moments, but on the last few meets those have come to a stop (he doesn't initiate anything like that anymore). I suppose I just can't understand his seemingly hot and cold behaviour towards me. I don't believe he is using me, the look in his eyes, his whole mannerisms show he isn't stringing me along, but am willing to accept he may not be sure of what he wants himself - this however is still not an excuse and I don't know why I put up with it. I don't think he realises how much his confusing behaviour hurts me...thoughtlessness more than anything. I don't know why I let any of that happen (FWB stuff)...hope I suppose. Hope is a horrid thing sometimes.

 

He still contacts me every day through IM (this is how we mainly used to communicate when apart)....the significance of this I'm unsure, other than its another thing that is not doing me any good I suppose. The past 14 months I have felt like a part of me is missing....some of the time I don't notice it too much, but other times its the most painful feeling in the world. I try to keep busy but he is on my mind in some form or other ALL the time. I feel trapped....I know that his contact and confusing behaviour towards me isn't helping me, but the thought of cutting him out forever seems unbearable.

 

Because I love him, I want him to be happy and follow his dreams...I wish him nothing less, than everything he has ever wished for. Recently, he has been making a real effort to follow his dreams, but whilst I'm glad for him, there is part of me that is really sad. There is also part of me that hopes this is the start of him working towards solving his issues, and finding a way to handle a close relationship with another. I try not to let my sadness show, I don't think it's fair to as I know i've got to let him go....but It's just the part of me that is scared he will realise he doesn't need me in his life anymore, in any shape or form, that is making this so hard (I know this shouldn't bother me, but my heart doesn't understand). I want to accept we are over, but I just can't. I'm scared that whilst he moves on with his life, I will remain here broken and feeling alone.

 

I'm struggling a lot with this currently because I find myself alone up at University whilst everyone else has gone home for the summer - I won't go into it but I have to stay up here. I take comfort from him talking to me most days, but the minute he signs off my heart sinks and I cry. I'm noticing his absence so much at the moment and I'm realising how empty my life feels without him. I just don't understand what my problem is, he does not deserve my loyalty, and he is by no means perfect (i really should hate him). I feel like I'm pathetic. I can't talk to anyone about this anymore, as they are sick of hearing it, and don't understand me (neither do i).

 

What do I do? I really want to tell him how I feel, especially in the moments which feel unbearalble, but I see no purpose in it. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. Why can't I let go, when my head knows I should? I've had enough of feeling like this day in, day out. I don't really understand why we ended, I don't even know if he sees a chance for us in the future....he just says he loves me but isn't in a position to do anything about it, and doesn't know if he ever will. Other times he says he thinks he's messed up too much for there to be anything between us again, but then eludes to that probably being down to his unhappy, pessimistic nature at the time. I don't know what he wants, I'm too scared to ask, and I don't think I'd get a straight answer. As you can see, I just don't know where I stand, or what to do with myself.

 

Thanks for reading,

 

A very heartbroken, but pathetic, Keelz

[chrisanderson]

Hello.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Unfortunately the pain you are experiencing is a direct result of not going No Contact. I know the pain of not talking to someone who means the world to us- I haven't had contact with my ex fiancé and it hurts like CRAZY. But over time it gets better and better. This is what you MUST do in order to begin to heal.

My suggestion to you is to tell him, "look, I still have feelings for you and if we can't work on rekindling our relationship then I can no longer talk to you". Plain and simple. That way he knows where you stand and if he's not interested in starting over then you can begin to heal.

Good luck!

[pickingupthepieces]

**HUGS** Hey... first of all this sucks... When I was reading your story it felt all too familiar! It actually brought tears to my eyes and well.. I really felt like I needed to cry for so long... so thank you first of all. I needed to let it all out.

 

I am embarassed to that I am not over my X... 9 months. I know all about not feeling strong enough. I depended on my X for well... everything. I have a paper that is due before I can enroll in my 2nd year of school that was saved on our comp. that is now his comp. Anyways I asked him for it and he spent ALL night looking for it.... he couldn't find it.. So he offered to help me re-write it this wkend. I don't want to depend on him... it just happens. I am right now at my weakest I have been in a long time. As much as you don't want to hear it NC REALLY is the way to go when you can't let go of someone... I thought I was ready for the "friends" part... but I ended up getting caught up in all of the emotion and lost all the strength I had gained during our time of NC.

 

I was strong for awhile and then he snuck in with his I love you's and what not... and it caught me off guard and destroyed me...

 

Hot and cold behaviour tell me ABOUT it.. just last week he was getting mad (not MAD, complaining I suppose) at me because I didn't call him back right away for a couple of days.. yet when I called him, he never called me back. I have found myself putting in alot of unneccesary energy. He called last night to tell me about the school paper.. and we talked today about it. I asked him to go for lunch... and he had plans, which is fine but he just seemed cold about it. Ever since we went for lunch last week he has acted weird. He called right after lunch (after being cold) and questioned why I didn't wave at him when he drove by.. what a reason to call? I mean this man has told me how much he loves me and how much he still wants to marry me (we were engaged).. etc... and now he is cold.. I don't like I have had to track him down to get my school stuff... it makes me feel really bad about myself. He didn't even break up with me... its all because of his parents and the fact that he doesn't have a back bone.

 

I too try not to show my sadness .. the last couple of times I have let a couple of I miss yous slip out..., and to my surprise, I didn't hear one in return. Honestly he probably doesn't know what he wants... I think thats the same case with me. OR he does know what he wants.. its just we really can't make it happen. Being alone sucks... it will make you miss him more. I thought picking up a second job would clear my mind and I think it has just caused more stress... because I work alone. I think that is why I am so upset I haven't talked to him is because I to have found myself lonely.. and it is SO nice to have that comfort.

 

Don't let yourself feel pathetic... When you love someone you JUST love someone... After our breakup I was not treated that great as I was desperate to get back together etc.. I TOO should hate him... but I don't and have let myself get walked all over. The great thing about this place is you can talk about it 40X a day... and no one gets sick of it. Everyone here is going through a hard time, sometimes they are in similar situations... and I have found myself coming here alot because well my friends/family just don't get it... neither do I , but atleast here.. I don't get "the look" when I mention his name.

 

Not knowing what he wants IS hard I still am not having a easy time with how to approach it. I do agree with chris though... I am thinking of doing this as well. We'll see though.. I have such fear of looking like an idiot. whatever you do.. try and remember YOU come first... its hard...but you do!!!

[stlnsmile]

Hello.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Unfortunately the pain you are experiencing is a direct result of not going No Contact. I know the pain of not talking to someone who means the world to us- I haven't had contact with my ex fiancé and it hurts like CRAZY. But over time it gets better and better. This is what you MUST do in order to begin to heal.

My suggestion to you is to tell him, "look, I still have feelings for you and if we can't work on rekindling our relationship then I can no longer talk to you". Plain and simple. That way he knows where you stand and if he's not interested in starting over then you can begin to heal.

Good luck!

 

Yes Yes Yes, Chris is right. I know for a fact, if I had been in contact with my ex, I would have never gotten over him. He wanted to. He even called me after his dog died, why, because he needed me....but not enough to be with me. I was familiar and safe and comfortable, and he knew I would be there for him, and would comfort him, but that doesn't mean cr** to him, not enough to want to be with me.

 

You have to understand you are accepting crumbs. And they know it. You will take any crumb they trown on the floor like a ravenous dog, and they recieve pleasure out of throwing the crumbs down. Stop stop stop. You are worth so much more than his crumbs.

 

How the hell are you going to move on and find a life for yourself, one that included real love if he is still in your life? And not really in your life, only enough to make himself known to other guys, but not effecting his ability to date, see other people etc...I know you love him, but love is a two way street. I read on this post love is like a house with two pillars, both pillars have to be there for the house to stand, if one pillar is removed, then the house falls. Your house has fallen all around your heads, and you don't want to see it.

 

I understand the want, the desire to do this, to be friends, I was at that place where I was so desperate that I would have accepted anything he threw at me. I loved him sooo much. Now I see, love is reciprical. You can not love someone who does not love you. Its a lopsided house and never can work. You do not gain his respect for sure accepting his crumbs. And believe me the woman who is going to catch his attention in the end, is the one that does not NEED him that way. Who won't take his cr**! Someone he can respect. Cut him off, no matter how much it hurts you, cut him off. You do not deserve crumbs from any man ever. I know your heart will hurt and you will be beside yourself with missing his voice, but on the other side, would you like to continue being miserable for the next year? Or would you like to heal and possibly be healthy and in another loving caring relationship with a real man in a year? A real man who doesn't jerk your chain.

 

It time to start the healing process for you. I know YOU chose to be his friend, but now its time to chose not to be his friend. It is no good for YOU.

[stlnsmile]

[quote=pickingupthepieces;1722055Hot and cold behaviour tell me ABOUT it.. just last week he was getting mad (not MAD, complaining I suppose) at me because I didn't call him back right away for a couple of days.. yet when I called him, he never called me back. I have found myself putting in alot of unneccesary energy. He called last night to tell me about the school paper.. and we talked today about it. I asked him to go for lunch... and he had plans, which is fine but he just seemed cold about it. Ever since we went for lunch last week he has acted weird. He called right after lunch (after being cold) and questioned why I didn't wave at him when he drove by.. what a reason to call? I mean this man has told me how much he loves me and how much he still wants to marry me (we were engaged).. etc... and now he is cold.. I don't like I have had to track him down to get my school stuff... it makes me feel really bad about myself. He didn't even break up with me... its all because of his parents and the fact that he doesn't have a back bone.

 

I too try not to show my sadness .. the last couple of times I have let a couple of I miss yous slip out..., and to my surprise, I didn't hear one in return. Honestly he probably doesn't know what he wants... I think thats the same case with me. OR he does know what he wants.. its just we really can't make it happen. Being alone sucks...

 

Okay girl, seriously, ahhhhh, this is not a man showing love and devotion and respect. This is a man who is controlling and manipulating you. And don't tell me its about his parents, Im the queen of "its about his parents" and I can tell for a fact it is not about his parents, its about him. And I can tell you for a fact he does know what he wants, he is not some confused child...unless he's been through some sort of major loss recently, like the death of a parent, this guy is all put together and knows exactly what he wants. He's making excuses and your buying them all the while letting him control you and rule your world, while he goes and does exactly as he pleases....Lord please God STOP!!!!!!!! Trust me I've been there done that, this is not a judgement, just the plain bold faced truth because you deserve it sweetie.:bunny::bunny: