Trying to get sober while husband still drinks / uses

[spittingrage]

**A little background info -- I've been married four about 4.5 years, and my husband and I are parents to a 10 month old son. Alcohol (with sporadic cocaine binges) has been a problem for me for most of my adult life (I'm 37), but I've only really started trying to deal with it in the past four years, and with very mixed results (see below).**

 

I'm wondering if anyone out there has any advice for someone who is trying to get sober while living with a spouse / S.O. who is still drinking / using on a daily basis.

 

I've been down this road many times in the past four years or so with my spouse, who essentially refuses to stop drinking / using just because I have a problem with it. He genuinely doesn't seem to think that it should make any difference to me whether he drinks or not, and gets extremely defensive when anyone even suggests giving it up to him. He thinks that I just need to learn to "moderate" my drinking and stay away from cocaine (he has no problem with marijuana, however, and smokes as much of it as he can). I've tried to do this again and again but I ultimately end up in a bad place with my consumption, and now that I have a son the dynamic is a lot different (i.e., I don't want to risk "bottoming" as I have in the past).

 

My first attempt to get sober was in 2004, with not the greatest result (resumed drinking after about a month). A few months went by, and the drinking became worse, combined with weekly cocaine use. This resulted in my entering an outpatient rehab and eventually separating from my husband, because I didn't feel I was getting the support I needed from him in order to deal with my problem. After nearly six months sober I capitulated and began drinking again (with my spouse), and eventually began using cocaine as well. Ultimately my husband and I agreed to move back in together in summer of 2005, and have been living together since that time.

 

In the past three years I've gone back and forth with attempts at sobriety...my last one was shortly before I found out that I was pregnant. I did manage to keep my drinking mostly at bay during my pregnancy (maybe 1 to 2 glasses of wine per week after 2nd tri), and I didn't use any illicit drugs. But since my son has been born alcohol excess has been creeping back into the picture, and there have also been two incidences where I used small amounts of cocaine. Since I'm not breastfeeding and the boozing always happens after my son has gone down for the night, the impact on him has been minimal. However, I know myself well enough to know where this pattern will take me, and I want to nip it in the bud for good before my problem damages my son in any way!

 

Anyway, if anyone has any words of encouragement or advice, I'd love to hear it.

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow I read this post and all I could think was wow how strong and brave you are. I do not have experience with alcohol and drug addiction, so I cannot help (I'm sorry) - but I wanted you to know how much in awe of you I am.

 

Let me ask you a question. If you want to quit for your son, and you don't want your son exposed to you on drugs, why is it ok for you to expose him to your husband on drugs? Perhaps rather than trying to get sober while living with your husband, you may need to leave him, for the benefit of your son.

 

I know it is harsh - but you are being so brave, for all the right reasons, why are you accepting your husband being stuck on stupid?

[spittingrage]

Thanks for your reply, NYCgirl...your words of admiration and encouragement were nice to read.

 

In truth I don't think it's OK for my husband to be using drugs while I'm trying to quit all substances, nor do I think it's OK for him to be drinking to the level that he does (several drinks per night, at least). He obviously thinks it's OK, but I don't!

 

Nonetheless, I've been choking back my own resentment and/or saying "to hell with it" and drinking with him anyway because it's "easier" than fighting with him about it or trying to get him to see things from my perspective (a lost cause). Additionally, my son and I are completely dependent on him for financial support (I gave up my job after my son was born to be a SAHM), and I have nothing in the way of family and very little in the way of friends in the area who could help.

 

I'm realize that such passivity, laziness, or whatever-you-want-to-call-it doesn't exactly make my character look stellar. But after having been through this issue with my husband so many times in the past (and after growing up in a volatile and emotionally abusive family), I guess I feel a need to maintain some level of peace within the house for the sake of my son. Of course such peace is an illusion, and I know that. But at the moment I feel exhausted and trapped, and I'm not sure what I should do.

 

I've thought of leaving my husband again on more than one occasion, but as I've mentioned my resources in the area are about nil, and the idea of being a single mother is pretty damn frightening to me. But then again so is the idea of being an alkie/cokehead mom yoked in tandem to an alkie/pothead dad!

 

Obviously I've got some tough decisions to make ahead of me. I'm just trying to stay sober in the meantime, and find whatever means of support that I can (this forum included). Thanks again for taking the time to write to me!

[Curmudgeon]

In truth I don't think it's OK for my husband to be using drugs while I'm trying to quit all substances, nor do I think it's OK for him to be drinking to the level that he does (several drinks per night, at least). He obviously thinks it's OK, but I don't!

 

Obviously I've got some tough decisions to make ahead of me. I'm just trying to stay sober in the meantime, and find whatever means of support that I can (this forum included). Thanks again for taking the time to write to me!

 

You can do it. It isn't easy and your husband should be supportive of your efforts to get and stay sober. However, your sobriety is not his responsibility. It's yours and yours alone.

 

Call Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, find a home group you enjoy and feel comfortable in, get a sponsor, work the steps, attend the meetings regularly (daily for awhile or as your sponsor directs you) and keep going back because it works.

 

If you're sincere about quitting you can do it. You may have some relapses but you just keep getting back up and getting going again!

 

Like I said, you can do it. You're stronger than you think you are. If your husband gets in the way, do know that you may find that when you're sober you really don't like him very much. But you will learn to love yourself in spite of yourself because there is much to love about you and you're worth it.

[Jilly Bean]

Wow. Tough one!

 

All I can say is that when I got clean, no way, no how could I be around ANYONE who used. I was way too weak and knew that I wouldn't be able to stay sober if others were using.

 

I suggest you explore options of half-way houses and group homes that you can move into. I also would throw down an ultimatum to your husband. Either he gets sober, or he gets out. Sounds harsh, but to me, with your sons safety to be considered, I dont see how anything good will come from him being raised around your husband. And if your husband doesn't think getting clean and sober for your son is enough, then you have his priority list right there.