Is this an emotional affair?

[clean_slate]

My girlfriend has a male friend at work, and lately they've been spending much more time together. Now, there's nothing wrong with her having friends, male or female. However, this guy is married and has a kid. He's also been giving small gifts to my girlfriend almost every day for quite some time (usually drinks or snacks). But then Saturday came and she kinda broke down. Apparently he went out of his way to not only buy her a book he thought she'd like, but they also went to a diner alone together after work. She did this without telling me in advance, and only told me after a bit of prodding; I called to see where she was and that she was alright. All this is well and good.

 

Tuesday night I made the mistake of looking through my girlfriend's cell phone. And it was a huge mistake. I found a text from her to this coworker-guy friend which said "You're the brightest light in my sky." He responded with something like "I only am reflecting the light you give off... You make me a better man." Does that seem like something people who are "just friends" would say? Needless to say, I am terribly hurt by her comment. I'm supposed to be the light of her life. She claims she loves me and wants to be with me forever, and yet she thinks another guy is the best part of her life.

 

Do you think this constitutes an emotional affair? She says she would draw back from anyone she thought she was getting too close to. Am I overreacting?

[angie2443]

My girlfriend has a male friend at work, and lately they've been spending much more time together. Now, there's nothing wrong with her having friends, male or female. However, this guy is married and has a kid. He's also been giving small gifts to my girlfriend almost every day for quite some time (usually drinks or snacks). But then Saturday came and she kinda broke down. Apparently he went out of his way to not only buy her a book he thought she'd like, but they also went to a diner alone together after work. She did this without telling me in advance, and only told me after a bit of prodding; I called to see where she was and that she was alright. All this is well and good.

 

Tuesday night I made the mistake of looking through my girlfriend's cell phone. And it was a huge mistake. I found a text from her to this coworker-guy friend which said "You're the brightest light in my sky." He responded with something like "I only am reflecting the light you give off... You make me a better man." Does that seem like something people who are "just friends" would say? Needless to say, I am terribly hurt by her comment. I'm supposed to be the light of her life. She claims she loves me and wants to be with me forever, and yet she thinks another guy is the best part of her life.

 

Do you think this constitutes an emotional affair? She says she would draw back from anyone she thought she was getting too close to. Am I overreacting?

 

Of course this is an emotional affair. Look for all the threads here, and on the cheating board, that are about emotional affairs. You'll find many similarities between those threads and your post.

 

You have no kids with her, I'm assuming. I would step back, evaluate your relationship, and decide if you want to be with her. If you do, she's going to have to stop seing this guy. Your relationship can't survive with him in it. If you don't, then learn from this experience so that it is less likely to happen in the future. In all honesty, knowing what I know not about EA's, I would leave the relationship.

[TCatherine]

People do not say those things to each other when they are just friends... or spend that much time together. She is being reeled in by a married man with a kid!! Whatever his story, it's obvious he is getting something he needs from your Girlfriend. i would definitely consider the possibility that it's over between you two.. don't wait till it's too late to deal with this. It sounds like she is definitely disrespecting you. You deserve better.

[carhill]

Yeah, OP, if your R has been good and then you see this, whoa, wake-up call.....

 

Since the guy is M, if your GF is into him, likely nothing will come of it other than the destruction of your R. Wish I had better news. My best advice is to be patient. I've seen that to be an effective strategy. However, if your GF is strong-minded, it may blow up on you.

[Bryanp]

I think you would have to be in big time denial not to believe that they are in at the very least an emotional affair. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speaks volumes. The comments they are saying to each other is what lovers say and you know this. If the roles were reversed and you were hanging out, going to dinner, buying presents for another woman behind her back; do you honestly think she would be so accepting as you have been?

 

She is showing she has very little respect for you and your relationship and is playing you for a fool. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Sal Paradise]

Yeah, it sounds like something is going on. It could be more than emotional though.

 

I would find out his name and home number. Gather more evidence and then tell his wife and then call and tell his employer.

[clean_slate]

Last night

 

I went out of my way (drove almost an hour) to visit my girlfriend after work. I even bought a rose and left it on her windshield. I am attempting to find a mutual, workable solution to this issue, and yet her actions last night have simply raised doubts that she even loves or respects me. So, basically, her guy friend drove his car over to hers and she got the "spare" TV he is giving to her. She didn't hug him like I've seen her do before, and immediately called my phone. Mind you, I was watching their interaction from my car. Yeah, I know, "spying" is wrong. Blah, blah, blah. On the phone she sounded very nervous and simply told her friend "thanks, good night." Why was she nervous is the first question I asked myself last night.

 

She drove over to my car and I let her in. We sat there discussing work and other "chit chat" topics for a good twenty minutes before deciding to drive to the diner (same one she went with him to- kinda "our place") and grab a quick snack. I made it clear in my car that I wasn't there to have a serious discussion about our relationship; I was there to attempt reconciliation. We had already had a horrible fight earlier in the day on the phone, and I wanted to avoid that **** as much as possible.

 

So, we get to the diner and everything seems fine for a few minutes. We order our drinks, and during the time before they arrived my girlfriend starts to ask why I don't have faith in her. I politely told her that I didn't see reason to discuss those issues at the moment. But she just kept pushing and pushing. So, like any normal person, I defended my position. I kinda said loudly that the main issue I have with her comment was the "brightest" part. I explained that it made me upset and hurt my feelings. I may have spoken that part loudly, but the entire conversation was calm on both our parts. She had no explanation to why I shouldn't feel harmed by that, and asked if I'd be offended if she said that to a dog. What?! Mostly, all she kept doing was saying "uh huh" in a "I don't believe a word you're saying/I'm not listening" tone. THAT pisses me off. If I take the time to state my opinion on something, especially this important, I expect the person I'm talking with to at least honestly listen. Is that so much to ask? So, chalk that up to her lack of respect for any of my opinions.

 

Then the comment came that I couldn't stand for. She talked to another female at work who barely knows me and this girl agreed that maybe "if I had friends like they do I wouldn't be so jealous." **** THEM! I have friends. I happen to not find it necessary to constantly be with them or find it proper to fall all over other women while in a relationship. Again, I actually have respect for people. At this point I said "goodbye" and threw tip down on the table and walked up to pay. She stormed out, got the rose from her car and put it on my windshield. That's when I totally lost control. I gave her that rose as a gift, and it symbolizes how I'm trying in vain to make this relationship last. She's never given me a gift back. Not once. I asked her why she would accept gifts from another man almost every day but wouldn't accept mine. She responded that "I can't control what other people give me." To which I said, "but you sure as hell have the free will to NOT accept them." No response to that, as I suspected.

 

I believe this is the end, whether I like it or not. She chooses to mess with a married man and does under the guise of friendship. Oh well, she's about to lose the best man she's ever had in her life. If this is her true character, then I'm way too good for her.

[Owl]

She's your girlfriend. Not your wife, or even your fiance.

 

Clearly she's got some boundary issues that are a major source of danger to any long term relationship with her.

 

If she's not willing to take the steps she needs to in order to safegaurd your relationship...bail. Find someone who's more mature and dedicated to one guy.

[soda]

I hate to just say "I agree with Owl," but I do here.

 

I'll add more. You're not wrong to want some boundaries in your relationship. With that said, you stated your position...and your girlfriend seemed to dismiss it pretty casually. If this issue is important to you, I think you might be better off with someone who shows more concern for your feelings. Better to deal with this now than have to deal with it 10 years, and a marriage, later.

[whichwayisup]

She had no explanation to why I shouldn't feel harmed by that, and asked if I'd be offended if she said that to a dog. What?!

 

Honestly, if I were you and my girlfriend said that to me, I would have told her goodbye right then and there.

 

This woman is completely disrespecting you and is trying to play you for a fool! She has some balls to say that stuff to you and think that you'll believe her.

 

This isn't about you loving her now, this is about common respect and honesty. She doesn't respect you at ALL and obviously isn't putting you first, making you a priority.

[TCatherine]

You are not seeing clearly. She does not deserve your trust.. the relationship with the married "dog" is inappropriate. Maybe she thinks she is not falling for it, and maybe she won't... but that married man is certainly woo-ing in my opinion.

 

You need to back away. No roses, no poems.. give her lots and LOTS of space. Hopefully, she will see how wonderful you are (sooner or later!) and then you can decide if you want her back, but... I really feel it's in your best interest to get out of that relationship till she comes to grips with what she is doing. Maybe she won't but then you will be better off anyway.

[angie2443]

Really Clean_ Slate, what is so wonderful and perfect about your girlfriend that you are willing to stick with her when she treats you this way? You might have her on a pedistle and it might be time to knock her off that pedistle and see her for who she really is.

[Owl]

I hate to just say "I agree with Owl," but I do here.

 

What's wrong with that?!?!?! EVERYONE should just agree with Owl!!! Then we could all be right, and things would be soooo much smoother!!! :D : D: D:D :D

 

BTW...if you see anything around here larger than my ego, I want it shot and killed immediately!

[soda]

Actually, Owl, if more people thought like you, we wouldn't need sites like this.

[whichwayisup]

EVERYONE should just agree with Owl!!!

 

Good ol' wise Owl...Sorry, couldn't resist..

[soda]

Last night

 

 

 

Then the comment came that I couldn't stand for. She talked to another female at work who barely knows me and this girl agreed that maybe "if I had friends like they do I wouldn't be so jealous." **** THEM! I have friends. I happen to not find it necessary to constantly be with them or find it proper to fall all over other women while in a relationship. quote]

 

I see some similarities with this and my own experience. It sounds like she uses her friends as a sounding board to validate her behavior. She purposefully picks a friend who doesn't know you...making it easier to paint you as jealous and illogical.

 

She thinks of herself first, second, and last. Now, is this the kind of woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?

[Untouchable_Fire]

She thinks of herself first, second, and last. Now, is this the kind of woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?

 

I pity the man that does.

 

CS,

 

You need to articulate that she has disrespected you... and the OM's wife. Let her know that you don't want someone that LOW in your life. End it.

[confused_jujube]

hey, when i first read your post 2 things came to mind:

1) either she is just confused and playing around because she's bored, but she really does love you and doesn't think she's done anything wrong in her mind

2) she is a total b* and you are way too good for her

 

whether it's a full on EA or not, one thing is 100%: it's on its way there...and we all know what follows (even if nothing has happened, it WILL).

 

My question is: what do your friends/family think of her? do they love her or have problems with her? you need a objective opinion, because as you love her you are biased...but is she a good person in other ppl's eyes who knows how she treats you?

 

I was then going to suggest you talk to her and in a non-threatning way: "honey - i have a feeling of what's going on and it's hurting me, do you understand where i'm coming from?" but it seems you've tried this and she continues to be selfish and doesn't even make AN EFFORT to hide this A (does she want to get caught??).

 

if you feel you've exhausted all your options, leave her. she'll eiher come running back (and you can decide how you want to handle this..at least this time you will be in the power position and not being stepped all over) or she won't and you'll meet someone wonderful - which you will.

 

best,

[clean_slate]

I know this thread has been dead for a while, but I have a bit of an update.

 

Who invites a married man to her fourth of July party? My girlfriend, that's who. Apparently, the guy's wife and kid went to his in-laws for the weekend... without him. So, my girlfriend invited him to her party and he went. I also went, and it was extremely uncomfortable. Besides the fact that my girlfriend spent far more time talking to him than to me, there are two specific occurrences that bothered me a lot. My girlfriend, her brother, this guy, and I were all sitting in the living room talking. The brother and guy were on the couch, and my girlfriend and I were sitting on the floor near the coffee table. My girlfriend was sitting with her legs under the table (lengthwise, as the table is rectangular). I got up because I needed to stretch, and I decided to walk towards the front door. But I could still see into the living room. The guy decided to get up and sit right next to my girlfriend with his legs under the table. I mean, their legs were frigging touching because two people barely fit. What is that about? I get up and he thinks I'm not looking so it's fine to get close to my girl??? This guy is a sleaze.

 

The second situation is truly troublesome, though. I worry for his wife and kid. The guy stayed there until 1:45am for some reason. I wasn't leaving before him because, no, I don't totally trust my girlfriend, and I definitely don't trust him. So, he's clearly exhausted and even stated he was on three hours sleep. He fell asleep on the couch for a few minutes and my girlfriend went to wake him up so he could drive home (finally!), and when he woke up he blurted out "I just want to shoot my wife." What the hell is that about? He went to the bathroom and I asked my girlfriend about it. She says he's "under stress." Uh huh. Stress isn't an excuse to say you want to shoot your significant other. What should I make of this?

 

You know, for about a week I was fooled. I thought maybe I had overreacted to the text and everything and they were really just friends. But after Friday night? It's obvious there is a deep emotional connection going on. And if it doesn't end, then my relationship will.

 

[Untouchable_Fire]

You know, for about a week I was fooled. I thought maybe I had overreacted to the text and everything and they were really just friends. But after Friday night? It's obvious there is a deep emotional connection going on. And if it doesn't end, then my relationship will.

 

Uhh... if your going to wait then your still fooled.

 

Don't be an idiot. Just dump her right away.

 

She is with you right now... because she is playing the fence. If the thing with the married guy doesn't play out her way... then she can still settle for you. So, if you give her the chance, she is going to lie her ass off and try to keep you on a string until things play out with the other guy.

 

If you just dump her outright... at least you get to walk away with your self respect.

[taylor]

Clean Slate,

 

There is definitelly trouble brewing in this MM's marriage..that he chooses to come to your girlfriend's party rather than accompany his wife to a family gathering.

 

This man is wooing your girlfriend in front of you under the guise of a friendship. How rude to move in on her right in front of you. And how rude of your girlfriend not to stop it. Both behaved very disrespectfully towards you.

 

Your girlfriend is heading down a dangerous path with a married man. Maybe she should read some of the OW stories on this forum before she gets in any deeper.

 

Maybe you can help her see the light. Maybe not. She is in a full-blown EA with this man. It can be very addicting. If you try to point out to her what she's getting herself into, and she writes you off, I'd walk. You aren't married to her. Let her dig her own grave.

[bish]

Tuesday night I made the mistake of looking through my girlfriend's cell phone. And it was a huge mistake.

 

Why is it a mistake? You now know she is a triflin' cheat. I know what you found won't be considered cheating by some here, but in my opinion she is guilty of emotional cheating and will let it cross to physical if the perfect opportunity arises.

 

It wasn't a mistake, you now know what kind of person she is.

 

 

I found a text from her to this coworker-guy friend which said "You're the brightest light in my sky." He responded with something like "I only am reflecting the light you give off... You make me a better man." Does that seem like something people who are "just friends" would say?

 

Nope, that sounds like two people that want to hook up, if they haven't already.

 

 

Needless to say, I am terribly hurt by her comment. I'm supposed to be the light of her life. She claims she loves me and wants to be with me forever, and yet she thinks another guy is the best part of her life.

 

Then break up with her and let her see if he is. If he is the kind of guy that will help her cheat, then he isn't a good catch himself. She will find that out. And by that time, you will hopefully have moved on to greener pastures and better women.

 

this one aint a keeper. let the pickup artist with his little lines have her.

 

 

Do you think this constitutes an emotional affair?

 

Yup

 

She says she would draw back from anyone she thought she was getting too close to. Am I overreacting?

 

You are not overreacting. Your gf is untrustworthy. Ditch her quick.

[bish]

Last night

 

I went out of my way (drove almost an hour) to visit my girlfriend after work. I even bought a rose and left it on her windshield. I am attempting to find a mutual, workable solution to this issue, and yet her actions last night have simply raised doubts that she even loves or respects me. So, basically, her guy friend drove his car over to hers and she got the "spare" TV he is giving to her. She didn't hug him like I've seen her do before, and immediately called my phone. Mind you, I was watching their interaction from my car. Yeah, I know, "spying" is wrong. Blah, blah, blah. On the phone she sounded very nervous and simply told her friend "thanks, good night." Why was she nervous is the first question I asked myself last night.

 

She drove over to my car and I let her in. We sat there discussing work and other "chit chat" topics for a good twenty minutes before deciding to drive to the diner (same one she went with him to- kinda "our place") and grab a quick snack. I made it clear in my car that I wasn't there to have a serious discussion about our relationship; I was there to attempt reconciliation. We had already had a horrible fight earlier in the day on the phone, and I wanted to avoid that **** as much as possible.

 

So, we get to the diner and everything seems fine for a few minutes. We order our drinks, and during the time before they arrived my girlfriend starts to ask why I don't have faith in her. I politely told her that I didn't see reason to discuss those issues at the moment. But she just kept pushing and pushing. So, like any normal person, I defended my position. I kinda said loudly that the main issue I have with her comment was the "brightest" part. I explained that it made me upset and hurt my feelings. I may have spoken that part loudly, but the entire conversation was calm on both our parts. She had no explanation to why I shouldn't feel harmed by that, and asked if I'd be offended if she said that to a dog. What?! Mostly, all she kept doing was saying "uh huh" in a "I don't believe a word you're saying/I'm not listening" tone. THAT pisses me off. If I take the time to state my opinion on something, especially this important, I expect the person I'm talking with to at least honestly listen. Is that so much to ask? So, chalk that up to her lack of respect for any of my opinions.

 

Then the comment came that I couldn't stand for. She talked to another female at work who barely knows me and this girl agreed that maybe "if I had friends like they do I wouldn't be so jealous." **** THEM! I have friends. I happen to not find it necessary to constantly be with them or find it proper to fall all over other women while in a relationship. Again, I actually have respect for people. At this point I said "goodbye" and threw tip down on the table and walked up to pay. She stormed out, got the rose from her car and put it on my windshield. That's when I totally lost control. I gave her that rose as a gift, and it symbolizes how I'm trying in vain to make this relationship last. She's never given me a gift back. Not once. I asked her why she would accept gifts from another man almost every day but wouldn't accept mine. She responded that "I can't control what other people give me." To which I said, "but you sure as hell have the free will to NOT accept them." No response to that, as I suspected.

 

I believe this is the end, whether I like it or not. She chooses to mess with a married man and does under the guise of friendship. Oh well, she's about to lose the best man she's ever had in her life. If this is her true character, then I'm way too good for her.

 

Nothing more to say. This girl is a regular cheatin' biotch. Get rid of her like yesterday's trash, cuz thats what she is.

[Trialbyfire]

She's def. playing with fire and probably enjoying the thrill. She'll soon get burned and probably come crying back to you.

 

Don't be there when she does. Her life, her decisions, her responsibilities. She's not thinking about your needs or feelings...at all!

 

Btw, I agree with Owl!

[clean_slate]

I think things have finally headed down a road I can at least consider traveling. The past two days have been filled with ups and downs; severe ones. Let me first say that I must be pretty good at reading people. The majority of my suspicions (of various peoples' true intentions) have been confirmed, and I feel, deservedly, vindicated. Monday night I met my girlfriend after work, in order to have a discussion about what needs to happen for our relationship to stand a chance of continuing. Needless to say, she didn't take the discussion well. Though, I saw in her eyes that she understands and empathizes with my feelings. She attempted to defends herself, but the next day (Tuesday) she admitted that it was only an attempt out of fear.

 

Tuesday was odd. She spent Monday night with me, and Tuesday morning I specifically told her that I just wanted to have (one last) good day with her. And it was a pretty amazing day. We decided to take the train into the city for the day and explore around. I'm not going to go into details. All that needs to be known is that the day was wonderful. The best time I've had with her in weeks. Tuesday night she spent with me again.

 

Yesterday morning was really rough. I told her that despite such a great day, I still had to let her know that things weren't back to normal. I explained my position again on my way to work, and poured my heart out about why she needs to end things with this guy. This time it resulted in tons of tears. I ended up being late for work because I was trying to console her. I thought things had taken a turn for the worst, but now it seems as if she was just coming to grips with what needs to happen. Later in the day she sent me texts saying that she's sorry for hurting me and asking if I'll give her the necessary time needed to "fix" things. I responded that I'll give her time, but not indefinitely.

 

This morning we talked on the phone (also last night...) and it seems like she's making a true effort to be with me. She stated that she found out another guy from work likes her (a different one) from two people he told. I've had my suspicions for months that this guy wanted more than friendship. As I said, vindication. I think she is now understanding that I'm not some jealous freak or a person who doesn't "trust" her. I am simply looking at situations and giving my honest opinion. My gut is apparently right on the mark. I think that, in turn, allows her to put more trust in me. This guy recently invited her on vacation with him to Europe. I just found out about it Monday. And I kinda stated the fact that I don't appreciate other men encroaching on my territory. Though, in not-so-nice words. I also just found out that this guy has been leaving little yellow flowers with dvd boxsets that he lends her. She said she thought it was just friendly because of the yellow color. She now realizes otherwise.

 

Not sure what to make of all this. Part of me wants to forgive her and try to build our relationship again, but another part of me just wants to . My relationship is being assaulted from multiple fronts, and I'm not sure I have the energy or will to defend it anymore. My girlfriend is way too quick to "trust" guys. I understand it's just her personality, but it's a dangerous trait to have. She wants to be "friends" with everyone. I've made it clear to her that you can't accomplish such a goal. People are selfish bastards who will do what is necessary to advance themselves, whether in work, with friends, or with potential romantic partners. The sooner everyone realizes that, the better off everyone will be. Am I overly cynical? Perhaps. But I see no reason not to be. My worst fears are being realized right before my eyes, and there's little I can do about it. My only chance of survival is to make sure my girlfriend sees things with that same cynical perspective. Life sucks. Almost everyone has an ulterior motive. But, we can't wall ourselves off from the world. The best policy is to limit (unnecessarily) risky situations. I do it all the time.