Curiousa Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 Ok, the story is simple: This guy and I and I have been best mates for about half a year; we had both become "platonically" close when he was recovering from a bad relationship breakup and I was being upset about some thing with my ldr b/f. We have been able to relate to each other really well, I really trust him and his judgement, so does he in my case. He's always known that my heart is given to someone else. He know's my guy but doesn't like him very much, as he thinks my b/f is not good enough for me; but he never really made a big deal out of it, only pointing things out but leaving it up to me how to deal with it (and they were normally things that didn't matter to me at all). So far so good, only that 2 month ago or so he told me that he's been falling in love with me - knowing that I am in love with someone else. He said he didn't want to lose me as his best friend etc., just thought I should know - well, I am actually thinking it's just him rebounding after his relationship breakup and being so comfortable with me etc. So, I made it clear that I am happy to stay friends with him etc, but that more is not an option. This seemed to have worked pretty well so far, only that I went on (our first joint) holiday with my b/f last week; and when we got back, my best mate asked me how it was, if we had a good time etc. and what I was thinking now about my b/f. I told him the truth - that we had a great time and that I thought my guy is really lovely and sweet ... I didn't really elaborate that much, just responded honestly to his question. Next thing I knew was that he said he needed to go and I didn't hear from him again for quite a while (we normally talk at least once a day). Now, of course I was concerned, coz I figured he was upset about me and my b/f - so I tried to find out if that was really it or if something else came up. Now (when I finally got in touch with him) he said he downed a bottle of whisky last night in 5 mins, blacked out and feels he need a bit of space at the moment. I understand that it hurts him to see me happy with my b/f. But I am really missing him and I thought the ground rules were set in mutual agreement (i.e. only platonic friendship between us). Now I get the feeling that he was probably hoping our holiday wouldn't work out and that he might have a chance with me if my b/f and I didn't "make" it ... I should point out that my best mate is a really sweet, sensitive, shy and kind person, so I hate seeing him hurt, but he's always known where my heart is. He still says he doesn't want to lose me as a friend, just needs a bit of space and time at the moment and I will accept that. But I don't want to lose him as a friend either ... Well, guess there's nothing I can do, so thanks for letting me vent ... - in case, anyone has a helpful suggestion, it will still be appreciated, too, though Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 Your best mate is truly stupid. It is insane for him to hang around with you, being in love with you, and to hear you talking about your true love and experiences with him and other future love interests. That is just plain bizarre!!! This is a very dishonest friendship based on the fact that the guy who you call a good friend is really just hanging around waiting for the opportunity to be more. Since you do not see him that way and probably never will, he is simply being cruel to himself and you are protracting the inevitible...the end of this friendship. This happens all the time and it's not healthy. I know you like this friend but have a little mercy on him. If you must keep him around, you will deliver nothing but pain to him. Apparently, for him (in a very stupid way) the pain and hurt he is experiencing now is worth the gamble that one day you will break up with your current boyfriend (whoever that may be at the time) and magically fall for him and the two of you will live happily ever after. Unfortunately, he doesn't know women very well. It's not likely you'll change your feelings about him because he just doesn't know how to behave in order to get you interested in him in a romantic way. He doesn't undertstand that sticking around like a lovesick pup is not going to be appealing to you. It's really sad. So, either you are going to have to tone down this friendship, better yet END it...or just expect this guy to remain with you until your honeymoon is over with some other dude and he finally gets it into his head that you're not going for him. This man is NOT your friend...he is a hopeful suitor waiting around with baited breath for the opportunity to swoop in and win your heart. THAT IS NOT A FRIEND!!! Once you're married with children and he faces a little reality, he can go to a shrink for a year or two to get over you and he'll then be just fine. Or maybe he'll wait and see if you ever get divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousa Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 Well, tnx for the input, Tony I don't mean to be cruel to my friend, so I wouldn't try to keep him hanging on there in limbo with his feelings for me. I had told him initially (when he came out about being in love with me, about 2 months ago) that I would hate to lose him as a friend of course, but that I could understand if he felt being around me would be too painful, so I would understand if he backed off ... From what you are saying, I guess this is likely going to happen now, although I still think it's a call he has to make; but of course I don't want to hurt him more than necessary, .... - still I am going to miss him Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts