Am I the bad guy here??

[howie09]

You may say my situation is rather dull. I’ve fallen out of love and would like to start a separation, but I feel like the bad guy doing this. The short version of the story is this; No infidelity from either of us, no abuse, no kids.

We’ve been married for about 6 years and we moved from Japan to Canada 4 years ago. Since we got here I’ve been working hard to support the both of us and start a new life. I’ve taken some risks to get ahead and they have worked out for the most part. We are further ahead than 4 years ago, not rich be any means but doing well for now.

In the 4 years we have been here, my wife has worked for 1 month and quit (didn’t like the working conditions), found a part time job with a friend but quit in the last 6 months due to her back problems. She may have gotten those back problems doing yoga (while I was going to work). But even before she had her back problems I didn’t find that she was doing anything to find a job. She has office skills to offer but has a big confidence problem due to her language skills.

I just feel that she has not tried hard to help me out. I’ve been working hard to help us grow while she gets to stay home everyday. We discussed things and I told her that I had issues with her effort in our relationship, I told her that she did not make me feel important in her life or feel appreciated in all that I have done. Also as she is always home I feel that I just never have any free time to myself.

I don’t want to hurt her but I don’t really want to be in this relationship anymore. We have talked and to her credit we have talked and not argued or fought over all this. She is recognizing that she has not done all she could to help us out and has asked me for a second chance. But we have talked/ argued about all these issues years ago and nothing changed then.

I want to leave but I feel guilty doing it. Am I just being selfish? Should I be giving her a second chance?

[Gunny376]

You're going to have guilt and doubts about the marriage/seperation no matter what you do ~ but if the wife can't get with the program? What can / are you going to do?

 

I presume your Nipponesse, and so that must be a Hell of shock to the system. It takes years to assiminate into a new country and culture without support.

 

I think the two of you need to slow down and quit trying to live your life so fast. Your obviously proud of your acheivement and accomplishments, and are ambitious.

 

It would seem that your wife doesn't share the same pace nor ambition as you do.

 

Work to live, not live to work. You're going to find more women, (of all cultures and nationalities) that are more atuned to being "traditional" women, (that is "Stay-At-Home" Moms") than you will women who aspire to climb up the "food chain"

 

Again I'm assuming your Japanesse, and if this is true, as I understand the martial relationship from my four years of living in Okinawa, the man is the provider, and the woman keeps the fires buring at home and takes care of the children, and bonds the family.

[Ronni_W]

Howie,

It is fortunate that you were able to find a job so quickly, and one that you seem to be happy with. I'd guess that you have always had more confidence than your wife, and your confidence would obviously boost your motivation.

 

I do not see in your post how you have helped her try to get more settled into this new culture. What have you done to encourage her to take ESL classes, to let her know that YOU have confidence in her abilities? Have you TWO gone to see what is available at the local Japanese-Canadian centre, in terms of social activities as well as assimilation support? Our various levels of government also offers many programs to new Canadians.

 

Yes, I am aware that you are working hard. But that is not your only role in marriage, as I'm sure you are aware. Your wife is not "at fault" for not having the same level of confidence and motivation as you do.

 

Gunny also makes excellent points -- perhaps it IS time to stop for a moment, and take stock of what is important in Life...as well as to get some input from your wife as to what is most important for HER well-being, right now?

 

In the grand scheme of things, it really is unimportant how your wife got her back problems -- how does it help you feel better, to believe it was by doing yoga? Would she have more sympathy from you if it WAS from yoga but she had also been working at the time? More important is that she is receiving proper professional care to resolve her back problems.

 

It sounds as if your hard work of these recent years may have left you out of touch with the 'other' side of marriage -- the loving, caring, supportive, compassionate and encouraging side. That is worthy of your devotion and efforts, too, IMHO.

 

Best of luck...and have a HAPPY CANADA DAY, eh!

[carhill]

OP, do you feel like your "love bank" is empty and she just continues to make withdrawals? That's what I'm hearing from you. It sounds like this was an issue long before you came to Canada, so culture shock is a minor player, IMO.

 

Have you considered any sort of counseling? I don't know if that is culturally accepted for you, but it might be worth a shot if it is. Perhaps find a native speaker to help your wife more effectively, as well as refer her to resources which can help her learn English.

 

I would set a timeline for change and, if none, then D. You can't go on running on empty forever.

[Calisto]

Gunny, the use of Nipponese is extremely racist and derogatory toward Japanese. I know you're trying to make a point about WWII being as you're military and all, but I just lost all respect for you.

[Calisto]

How good is she at keeping up the home? Maybe she is seeing that as her contribution, nothing wrong with a stay at home wife. If she isn't contributing to housework and cooking, home keeping, then maybe she needs a talk about that.

Because it sounds like financially you are doing well without her having an extra income. She is thinking you are the provider and she is providing at home. Maybe you just need to get over your issues of thinking you are working while she is having fun all day, housekeeping and stay at home wife duties are not all that fun, either.

[carhill]

As a reference, the word "Nippon" refers to the Japanese government, and is generally out of context when referring to the civilian populace. Sorry, Gunny

 

On-topic, being a "work at home" husband (my machine shop is on the property), I find myself looked upon by my wife much like a husband looks upon a SAHW or M. I'm around all day, so why not do the chores, make the beds, do the dishes, stop at the store, etc.... It matters not that I pay the majority of the house-related bills. It's just a feeling that she has..... "you're there, take care of it, I'm at work".

 

For many years, due to guilt (taking care of my mom), I did it in silence. No longer.

 

I'm not hearing that from the OP . It sounds like his wife has no interest in being an equal partner in any manner. That's sad

[howie09]

Thanks for the replies and ideas.

 

We have talked and she has realized that she had been rather selfish in the way she went about things. She is trying harder to find a job, speak English and general contribute. The sad part about this is that in the years prior to this I have fallen out of love for her.

 

I'd also like to answer a few of the Qs posted in earlier threads,

- First off, she is Japanese, I'm Canadian.

- the house is in good shape. She just likes things clean so that is a plus.

- I tried to get her into ESL classes or the japanese-canadian society but she wanted no part of it. She through the society was only for old people and when I pushed her to do ESL or other classes we got into fights. I guess she wanted to do things her own way and so after a while (years) I just let her do it her way. She is an adult after all.

- the salary is OK for now. But if she continues to want to return to Japan every year, we can't take that. So instead, any work she does, she contributes a bit of money to us and keeps some money for her to go back to Japan. I don't even know how much she keeps or how much is in the account. I STILL don't know even though we have spoken about this already.

 

In the end, it was about effort. Even if she had the idea that I provided and she kept the house (which we talked about long before we got to Canada) I didn't find that she tried very hard. A lot of time sitting on the computer and surfing Japanese websites.

 

Like I said, the sad part is that I have fallen out of love. We still get along and we are good friends and on a daily basis things seem good. But I really would like to start the separation phase and see how my feelings are. We have talked and she wants to stay and I want to leave. Every night just before I reach the apt I check my own feelings and it is more that I would rather come home to an empty place. I don't have problems being on my own so that is not an issue for me.

[Ronni_W]

, the sad part is that I have fallen out of love. ...I really would like to start the separation phase and see how my feelings are.

Howie.

You seem to have a very good handle on your feelings and the overall situation. You are being strongly drawn towards ending your marriage...that sounds, really, like what you ought to be doing for yourself.

 

Separation/divorce isn't easy -- and some stages of it just downright suck -- but it just sounds that, in all likelihood, starting divorce proceedings will put both you and your soon-to-be-ex back on the path to relief and, ultimately, happiness and fulfillment.

 

Best of luck.