My fiance's past is causing me alot of pain

[swivel2008]

I have been with my girlfriend for nearly three years and we are now engaged. We have a wonderful, loving relationship. I know she loves me more than anything in this world, as I do her. My concern is about her past relationships. The fact that she has been open with me about them (in the beginning) is commendable, but there have been a few little details that I don't believe she needed to share with me.

 

She had an on and off again 4-year relationship when she was younger, but eventually broke it off because she knew it wasn't right for her. She then went abroad, met up with a man, and kept a travel diary, including intimate details of their time together. And when I asked her if she had ever had a one-night stand, she admitted that she had, with an old friend from University. I find myself becoming angry with her for writing such things and for the decision she made to share the most intimate act with someone for only one night....even if it was a friend.

 

This started my concern about her value system, namely having sex versus making love with someone you care about. To my knowledge, this is the extent of her "sexual" past, although I know there are other people she has dated.

 

She has recently moved in with me, which involved her leaving her home city, friends, family and a good job. She has secured a new job, and we're happily involved in planning our wedding, and I do know that she has certainly made a huge sacrifice for our relationship. However, during the process of unpacking, I stumbled across the said travel diary and read some of the details, which was very hard for me because I instantly had a "visual". She said she'd forgotten about the travel diary, didn't realise it was with her many books and said she'd never even read it. I explained that I did not want these things in "our home" because I wanted to build our own memories and leave the past behind, so she threw out the travel diary. A few days later, when we were finishing off her unpacking, I found a photo album featuring, among other things, pictures of she and her first boyfriend -- and this after I had explained how I didn't want any of this stuff in our home. She felt very bad and said she'd forgotten about this album as well and that her friend must have packed it without mentioning it to her. She agreed, even encouraged me, to destroy all the pictures, which I did. I burned them. She also told me that they mean nothing, are insignificant and that she wants to move on to the next chapter of our lives.

 

Am I over-reacting about these things, and about the fact that she said she just forgot them? I am the last person to pass judgment on past mistakes and I am completely willing to leave it behind. It's just that these things keep surfacing and that's what makes me uncomfortable. If there was nothing concrete to be found, I wouldn't have a problem. I'm looking for honest feedback here. Thanks.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Dude, the past is the past.

 

She is the great girl she is BECAUSE of her past, not in spite of it. She probably learned a lot from those experiences, sexual or not, which molded her into the girl you now love.

 

I dont think its fair of you to ask her to deleat her past like that. Im sure you also have a past, and Im sure you wouldnt want her to be telling you to erase everything you lived before you met her. Come on now.

 

I think you need to relax and let bygones be bygones. Forget about them and be thankful she is so understanding that she didnt have a hissy fit when you ask her to throw away her memories like that.

[norajane]

Yes, you are over-reacting.

 

Most people keep mementos of their pasts, including pictures and diaries, and would never under any circumstances get rid of them. They hold no power except as a history of a life.

 

That she got rid of her diary when YOU found it amongst a pile of books, and YOU snooped into her private diary and read her private thoughts that she wrote long before you were around should tell you how much she values you. I would have been angry that you read my private diary without asking, and I would never destroy something that reminded me of who I was back then, my younger days.

 

As for photos, I would never get rid of those either. What for? Those were photos of her, too. Pictures of her life, a snapshot in time. She's moved on.

 

Don't you have any memories? Don't you have ex-girlfriends? Do you love your fiancee any less because those exes existed in your life? Weren't those relationships part of your life's journey that brought you to where you are now, able to love and appreciate your fiancee?

 

I think you should be grateful you have a woman in your life who will cater to your retroactive jealousy, and will destroy all tangible evidence of her life that makes you jealous.

 

Will you try and erase the memories in her mind, too? If so, do it by being a loving, caring, husband, not a jealous one.

[megapositive]

She's committed to you now, isn't she? You have a past too, I'm sure. When she originally told you about her past, why didn't it bother you at that point, but bothers you so much now? By throwing out the diary, and allowing you to burn her old photos, it seems she's making a huge gesture for you. If she were tied to them emotionally at all, that would be very difficult for her and she'd probably get defensive rather than immediately apologizing.

 

It sounds like you have a wonderful thing going here, examine why her past bothers you so much, but don't let it become a problem in this wonderful time in your life! But if it is going to be a problem, find a way to deal with it so you don't begin to resent her for things she's done before she even met you!

 

Good luck!

[Calisto]

I think it's cool that she allowed you to destroy them. So don't worry about anything.

[Lauriebell82]

I think it's cool that she allowed you to destroy them. So don't worry about anything.

 

Um, NO. What you did was controlling and irrational. So she had a past of people she dated and slept with..I'm sure you did too. Your retroactive jealousy is rediculous, as she is not with those people anymore, she is with YOU. She wants to spend the rest of her life with YOU, so let it go. I'm surprised your fiance let you control the situation like that and burn her things..I would never stand for that kind of thing.

 

Get over it and enjoy your life with her.

[Shygirl15]

I think it's cool that she allowed you to destroy them. So don't worry about anything.

 

Yeah. I think she's very nice; she understood how you feel and allowed you to do that. No need to keep pictures of her past around if they don't mean anything to her. You love your fiance which is why you feel the way you do, nothing ridiculous about that.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Um, NO. What you did was controlling and irrational. So she had a past of people she dated and slept with..I'm sure you did too. Your retroactive jealousy is rediculous, as she is not with those people anymore, she is with YOU. She wants to spend the rest of her life with YOU, so let it go. I'm surprised your fiance let you control the situation like that and burn her things..I would never stand for that kind of thing.

Yes.

I agree with everyone else. You are definitely overreacting. This controlling/dominating stuff seems sort of obsessive and creepy, as well. Poor girl.

[torranceshipman]

You are definitely controlling and I agree with other posters that your behaviour is a total overreaction. This poor girl agrees to marry you, leaves her friends and family to relocate to you, and you get all crazy over the fact she (shock!) had a personal life before you. Get over yourself man, you're being ridiculous and your behaviour is not normal. In fact, learn to appreciate the great girl you have.

 

Whats the betting that your controlling behaviour will cause real problems down the line....

[Calisto]

Um, NO. What you did was controlling and irrational. So she had a past of people she dated and slept with..I'm sure you did too. Your retroactive jealousy is rediculous, as she is not with those people anymore, she is with YOU. She wants to spend the rest of her life with YOU, so let it go. I'm surprised your fiance let you control the situation like that and burn her things..I would never stand for that kind of thing.

 

Get over it and enjoy your life with her.

 

Ummm, No. Nothing wrong with not wanting sexual diaries of past loves and sexual photos of your fiance in your home.

His fiancee had no problem getting rid of them.

You're the one on here who posted tons of problems you have with your boyfriend including that he roughhouses you in bed and you put up with it, etc. etc. etc. so stick to drug counseling.

[hotpinklove85]

I believe you are seriously overreacting. I would have been furious if my boyfriend/fiance went through my personal things without my permission and to top it off get upset about things that had happened in my past.

 

The fact that she was willing to throw them away shows that she values your feelings, you shouldnt be upset.

 

I agree with the other posters, everyone has a past, even you, and you are asking her to completely erase it for you. Her past is what made who she is today. You really shouldnt have read her things, its not like she put them out there for you to see them so now you are just going to have to get over it and move on. You really dont have a right to take it out on her.

 

I know how it must feel, but its something you are just going to have to overcome if you are going to be married to this girl

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Ummm, No. Nothing wrong with not wanting sexual diaries of past loves and sexual photos of your fiance in your home.

His fiancee had no problem getting rid of them.

You're the one on here who posted tons of problems you have with your boyfriend including that he roughhouses you in bed and you put up with it, etc. etc. etc. so stick to drug counseling.

Wow, bitter much?

[MrsHellnofires]

Honestly I dont think YOU have any right BURNING anything of hers. In fact, it just shows your controlling nature. Wouldn't it mean more IF SHE is the one who burned those momentos. There is no guarantee that your relationship will even last and for you to destroy all her past memories is not right. Would you want her future husband doing that to all the stuff you two had together? I agree that she should have NOT HAD THOSE THINGS IN your new home, BUT it's obvious she didn't want to get rid of those things and shouldn't have to completely destroy them either.

Gee what did you think? She was a virgin or had no boyfriends before you?

[lovestruck818]

Ummm her past is irrelevant- who cares? You are getting married. Why should it matter what she did 4 years ago? We were all young, naive & stupid at one point in time.

[Bradie]

I think you were overreacting. A person's past is a part of them, but it's also just that- the past. It's over. Who she was back then isn't necessarily the person she is now. It was sort of a stop along the road to being the gf that you're getting married to. That being said, she threw out the diary and got rid of the photos. Try and put them out of your mind. She did her part. And if you can't do yours, then I suggest taking a long look at yourself and try to figure out why it's bothering you so much, and why you can't let it go, because I guarantee that tendency is something that will surface again.

[Calisto]

Wow, bitter much?

Twenty bucks says you're one of those creepy controlling guys.

 

Actually I'm a woman. And your post was uncalled for. It's not controlling, it was that he came across explicit diaries of his fiance's sexual past complete with photos. she had no problem getting rid of them. I can understand as they're beginning their life together as a married couple, pictures of his wife naked with other men really wouldn't be a welcome item in the home. She had no problem getting rid of them because she is committed to HIM, not these men from her past. It would bother me if my fiance had photos of himself with naked exgirlfriends complete with written diary entries of their sexual exploits and he shouldn't have a problem getting rid of that crap. We're starting our life together, no need for that stuff.

[Calisto]

Ummm her past is irrelevant- who cares? You are getting married. Why should it matter what she did 4 years ago? We were all young, naive & stupid at one point in time.

 

That's right, who cares, that stuff no longer matters to her so she got rid of it because she loves her fiance and didn't have attachments to naked photos of her exes and diaries of their sexual exploits.

Actually if you read the original post, he didn't directly ask her to throw out the travel diaries, etc. He just said he didn't want them in their home. Then she threw them out because they were insignificant to her, so she was agreeing with him that she didn't want them in their home, either. If she wanted to get rid of them, I am not getting how this guy is controlling and overreacting. It's not like he bullied or pushed her or pressured her in any way to get rid of them, just stated he didn't want them in their home, so SHE threw the out because she wanted to and they didn't mean anything to her.

[D-Lish]

I don't think her past sounds like something I'd even consider taking issue with. She hasn't even had multiple partners from what you describe. A couple bf's and a one night stand with a friend is hardly something to look down on someone for.

 

Why is it that her past haunts you? A person needn't be made to feel guilty for past dating habits that took place before they met you... it's just not rational to expect that.

 

You're punishing her and you're punishing yourself needlessly by getting worked up over this.

 

Her past is something you really have to reconcile with and truly let go. You've stated yourself that she is a great gf and she makes you happy.. holding onto thoughts of her sexual past will be a problem in your marriage if you can't let that go.

[sally4sara]

Actually I'm a woman. And your post was uncalled for. It's not controlling, it was that he came across explicit diaries of his fiance's sexual past complete with photos. she had no problem getting rid of them. I can understand as they're beginning their life together as a married couple, pictures of his wife naked with other men really wouldn't be a welcome item in the home. She had no problem getting rid of them because she is committed to HIM, not these men from her past. It would bother me if my fiance had photos of himself with naked exgirlfriends complete with written diary entries of their sexual exploits and he shouldn't have a problem getting rid of that crap. We're starting our life together, no need for that stuff.

 

He didn't say they were NAKED photos. Just photos of her and her ex BF. Since he didn't say their was any nudidity , and since he put the term "visuals" and about what he read and not visuals about what he saw, I'm guessing the photos were of normal benign kind we all have had and his "visuals" are the kind any insecure controlling person would imagine. Let the OP add the detail; it is his story after all.

[PeopleLearner]

I don't agree with whoever says the OP is 'overreacting'. Whoever says that, isn't just looking from this person's point of view. He has reasons to be concerned, and though the way he may have acted in front of his fiance may be overdone, his thought process is clear. He is simply not able to understand what makes those memories special for his fiance.

 

Keeping memories as a way of reminding who you are is OKAY. I get a sense that the OP has not had that deep emotional connections with any girlfriend or partner of his in the past, and hence he is not able to understand why his fiance still sticks with that diary and photos.

 

The mistake here, however, is that he is assuming he is the ultimate partner for his fiance, and there would be no life for her afterwards except for this relationship. The solution? Wake up to the reality that the fiance has had a life without him in the past, and will continue to have this life if something happens to their relationship, or God forbid, him. Why does he want her to erase all her past memories just for him? There is a term for this phenomena -- insecurity.

 

Where this comes from, can have different sources. A common source for this kind of insecurity is not having many dates/partners in your past, and finding out that your partner had a lot more than you. You know what kind of fear this instills? The fear of "She knows how to find a better man than me, and can cheat on me because of her values where she is easy on sex." Don't agree with me? Go read the OP's post again. The fear of "Why does she cling on to her memories? Will she go back to her first bf if ever the opportunity exists again?" The fear of "She has had so many boys in her life. Is she just now using me as the nice-guy to settle with, after having so much fun in her life that I didn't?"

 

There's hardly any straight-forward solution for such insecurity. The fiance overestimated his sense of security before opening her life in front of him, and hence she must pay the price.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Am I over-reacting about these things, and about the fact that she said she just forgot them? I am the last person to pass judgment on past mistakes and I am completely willing to leave it behind. It's just that these things keep surfacing and that's what makes me uncomfortable. If there was nothing concrete to be found, I wouldn't have a problem. I'm looking for honest feedback here. Thanks.

 

What is your value system?

 

Overall, I think that you are reacting poorly to this.

 

This is what you should put some thought into. If her actions/beliefs do not match your value system as well... then you have a problem. However, if your feeling the way you do simply because you are insecure and jealous... then you need to check yourself!

[Stung]

OP, i can understand where you are coming from...to a point. i am no stranger to jealousy or insecurity, and i have been known to be influenced by such emotions to a point where my behavior was less than perfectly rational. BUT i also long ago developed techniques for stepping to one side, figuratively, and analyzing my own behavior. sometimes the things that hurt me are coming from my own inner demons, not from any outside source, and it was really important for me to learn the difference and how to act accordingly. you can't go through life expecting to have serious, adult relationships if you're still reacting with the emotional palette of a teenager, high on drama and low on impulse control.

 

in my own romantic life, i moved in with my partner two years ago. my partner has a child from a previous serious relationship. i have dated people with pasts before, obviously, and people with children, and it had never been a problem before, but i have regular dealings with the mother of this child and the fact is, i am not her biggest fan. suffice it to say, a couple of months after i moved in, i became upset when i found a relic of their past together on the shelves of what was now OUR kitchen. it was engraved with a message about their love and had both their names on it, so there was no mistaking what it was. i admit, i did NOT want it in my kitchen, or where i would constantly see it. i was hurt that he would leave that out where i would so easily find it in our common space, and angry when he was flippant about my reaction. yes, i did make him move it. but i did not make him get rid of it. it's a memento of his past, and it's from the mother of his child. maybe his child would like to have it someday, who knows. it's now in a box in the bottom of the hall closet, where i don't have to look at it while i'm preparing meals for our new family, and i feel that's fair. i'm also well aware that there are pictures of this woman in our house. again, she's part of his past. i don't want to look at them, but they're all put away where i never have to unless i'm nosy enough to go digging around in his personal stuff. i would never, NEVER insist that he get rid of them or burn them. i would feel like i'd gone totally out-of-control if i did. i look at it this way: i have a past, too. he's certainly not my first lover, nor my first long-term relationship. i still have old diaries that i cart around; i haven't read them in years, but i'm sure that some of them detail romantic or sexual encounters and relationships. that's my history! if i were to look back on them today, nearly all of them would make me laugh and wonder what the hell i was thinking, but that's a GOOD thing. those experiences gave me the strengths and perspectives i have today, and i would never, never let my partner get rid of that history. nor would he want to, because he respects me and everything i went through to finally get to him.

 

i hope you have read what people have had to say here with an open mind. i doubt these will be isolated incidences, it sounds like you're in a circular thought pattern now. even if you manage to rise above it this time, the kind of anger and jealousy you're experiencing over relatively trivial things is destructive. you don't have to be stuck in these thought patterns, however. you might want to consider looking into Cognitive Behavior Therapy; if you find a good practitioner with whom you are comfortable and willing to work hard with, it can do wonders to help you learn to restructure how you deal with things.

[Lauriebell82]

Ummm, No. Nothing wrong with not wanting sexual diaries of past loves and sexual photos of your fiance in your home.

His fiancee had no problem getting rid of them.

You're the one on here who posted tons of problems you have with your boyfriend including that he roughhouses you in bed and you put up with it, etc. etc. etc. so stick to drug counseling.

 

WOAH where the heck did that come from??? I have no clue where I posted anything about my boyfriend "roughhousing" me. I think you have me confused with someone else.

 

I'm giving advice to someone else, I think it's rude for anyone to throw things that I've posted about back in my face in someone else's thread.

[Lauriebell82]

That's right, who cares, that stuff no longer matters to her so she got rid of it because she loves her fiance and didn't have attachments to naked photos of her exes and diaries of their sexual exploits.

Actually if you read the original post, he didn't directly ask her to throw out the travel diaries, etc. He just said he didn't want them in their home. Then she threw them out because they were insignificant to her, so she was agreeing with him that she didn't want them in their home, either. If she wanted to get rid of them, I am not getting how this guy is controlling and overreacting. It's not like he bullied or pushed her or pressured her in any way to get rid of them, just stated he didn't want them in their home, so SHE threw the out because she wanted to and they didn't mean anything to her.

 

I think it's more creepy and controlling that he BURNED the diaries. She didn't throw them out of her own volition, he took them and burned them his self. That's the controlling part.

[torranceshipman]

I agree with LaurieBell, burning them is weird.

 

If a guy I dated started buring my stuff I'd be so freaked out.