My fiance's past is causing me alot of pain

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Ladies and gentlemen who are single and looking to start a new relationship or anyone in a relationship and your partner is yearning to know what your previous sex life was like...DON'T TELL THEM! Especially not in full details for goodness sake. This is a sure fired way to start bringing in doubt about your character and their relationship with you. And vice versa, don't be the one to ask, you might be surprised as to what some of the things your SO has tried and won't do with you or things that might not put them in the same light as you once saw them.

 

If you are the one who feel you must say something...Keep it short and simple. Don't get into numbers or activities. If you do something or ask for something your partner never has tried and they wonder where you got the urge or skill from, just tell them you either read it from somewhere or saw it on a video and wanted to try it. And for sure don't tell them it is something you use to do with any of your old partners.

 

If you are the one who has to know...Don't ask. Get it off your mind. Be happy your partner is with you and that you had something that the other people didn't. If there is anything you need to know about a person's sex life are these things...

1) Do they or have they ever had an or several STD(s) and what was it?

2) Do they have any kids that are here but not with them?

3) What do they like to do that they may be holding back or are interesting in trying?

 

Sometimes we wonder why our SOs are treating us so differently all of a sudden, maybe it was something you revealed that would of served you best to not have said...And talking about intimate details with your SO is one of them.

 

 

DNR

Interesting test to figure if a person is good for you, its called the "Do you check the paper?" test. You ask a love interest if they check the toilet paper while they are cleaning themselves. If they say "No." Then either they are a liar or have a dirty bum, either case you don't want to be with them.

[swivel2008]

I'm the 'OP' of this thread and I just want to thank everyone for the advice they've given and that, on the whole, everything has been very positive and helpful.

 

I just need to clarify a couple of things. Firstly, I did not burn her travel diaries. I simply told her that I did not feel comfortable with them in OUR home and she voluntarily got rid of them. They contained pretty explicit stuff and that is not what I believe to be a healthy thing to have in our home. She agreed. Secondly, the photos I stumbled across were not of a sexual nature. They were of she and 2 of her ex b/f's and, again, I told her I was not comfortable with them in our home. She told me to get rid of them and so, with that, I chose burning as a way of disposing of them. I just want to clarify that I didn't just rummage through her personal items, destroying things in my wake.

 

The issue for me is emotional protection. I just simply want her to protect me from stuff of the past and vice-versa. I don't want to have the knowledge that stuff like this is in our home because I don't believe it's truly allowing us to establish OUR home together. We have spoken about it openly and freely and we understand, now, the true meaning of protection. The past IS the past but that doesn't mean it has to have the potential of being stumbled across sometime in the future in our attick or closet or whatever. Wouldn't you agree?

[changchewsoon]

Dear swivel2008,

 

I feel for you, really. You're probably doubting her value system now and you must be feeling really insecure.

 

I tried read your posts back and forth a number of times, and when you mentioned that she actually forgotten about the diary and album etc, I think it's a good sign because if those stuffs were not packed along or got lost during the moving and stuffs, she probably would not even remembered she actually had them.

 

Chances are probably she's already move on from the past, and she doesn't even really care whether could she be reminded of what has happened, chances are she probably doesn't want to and couldn't be bothered either.

 

Unfortunately, you stumbled across it. But when she agreed to allow you to destroy all the pictures, it means a lot. Probably deep down inside she's hoping to keep them, but because you mean so much more to her and if by allowing you to get rid of those pictures would make you happy then she's more then willing to do it for you.

 

That says a lot.

 

Perhaps, now what you are hoping to hear from her is how remorseful she is for what she did in the past, especially by having a one night stand with someone else. You're probably wondering too how could she trashed herself like that by allowing someone whom she don't care to be intimate with her? I agree with other posters here, it is what she went through in the past which molded her to the person she is today, a person that you loved.

 

She certainly sounds like a keeper, I really hope her past would not get in to the way of your relationship with her. As long as she's sensitive to your feelings and is doing all she can to not let any of her past to get in to you, then I think you probably could cut her some slack and focus on something else to improve the relationship.

 

After all, relationships are built on trust and love right? All the best!

[Sks]

Anyone who hasn't burned old memories and thought vengeance upon their past ex's means they still have some feelings for them. When you are finished with a relationship you normally get rid of everything which was a part of it.

 

Getting rid of the old pictures was a good idea.

[reservoirdog1]

OP... what's done about the photos and diary, is now done. It sounds like this girl took some pretty huge steps to make you feel comfortable in your new to-be-matrimonial home. Plus, she moved to a strange city, away from family and friends, FOR YOU.

 

You now owe it to her to get rid of your insecurities on your own, shut the f*** up about them, and never mention them to her again. She doesn't owe you any explanation or apology for choices she made in her life before she met you. The only part about those choices that's relevant to the here and now is whether she's STD-free.

 

If you keep bringing up her past, and moping around about it like a teenage girl who can't get a date for the prom, you're going to damage or destroy what sounds like a great relationship with a great girl. That great relationship and upcoming happy marriage are being handed to you on a freaking plate. Don't blow it over something so meaningless and irrelevant.

 

Ladies and gentlemen who are single and looking to start a new relationship or anyone in a relationship and your partner is yearning to know what your previous sex life was like...DON'T TELL THEM! Especially not in full details for goodness sake. This is a sure fired way to start bringing in doubt about your character and their relationship with you. And vice versa, don't be the one to ask, you might be surprised as to what some of the things your SO has tried and won't do with you or things that might not put them in the same light as you once saw them.

 

If you are the one who feel you must say something...Keep it short and simple. Don't get into numbers or activities. If you do something or ask for something your partner never has tried and they wonder where you got the urge or skill from, just tell them you either read it from somewhere or saw it on a video and wanted to try it. And for sure don't tell them it is something you use to do with any of your old partners.

 

If you are the one who has to know...Don't ask. Get it off your mind. Be happy your partner is with you and that you had something that the other people didn't. If there is anything you need to know about a person's sex life are these things...

1) Do they or have they ever had an or several STD(s) and what was it?

2) Do they have any kids that are here but not with them?

3) What do they like to do that they may be holding back or are interesting in trying?

 

Sometimes we wonder why our SOs are treating us so differently all of a sudden, maybe it was something you revealed that would of served you best to not have said...And talking about intimate details with your SO is one of them.

 

Amen to that. It's pretty hard, when your SO wants to know about your sexual past, to simply say "sorry, I'm not talking about that" -- it suggests to them that you're hiding something. I can't see how knowing the details about your SO's past is ever a good thing -- as long as you know they're disease free, whether they're parents or not, or whether there are any psycho exes who could cause trouble for the the two of you as a couple.

 

I just ended a relationship with a woman who asked about those things. Unfortunately, once she learned some of the details -- which I told her about only in response to her questions, and without volunteering anything gory or specific -- she couldn't let go of it. The relationship ended for a bunch of reasons other than just this, but the "spark" that led to the breakup was a fight over my past -- which I had tried to shut down by telling her that we each had a past, and that no explanations or apologies were necessary. She disagreed, and wouldn't accept an "agreement to disagree".

 

Retroactive jealousy is a cancer on a relationship, and serves no constructive purpose.

[cutegirl]

. A common source for this kind of insecurity is not having many dates/partners in your past, and finding out that your partner had a lot more than you. You know what kind of fear this instills? The fear of "She knows how to find a better man than me, and can cheat on me because of her values where she is easy on sex."

 

This is SO true. I'm a female but I used to get jealous of my ex bf's past and if I were to ever find a new bf (I am 30 now) I would have a strong tendency to be extremely jealous as well, and I think it's mainly because I have had only two partners in my life and I would be angry that whoever I was with had "more fun" than me while I missed out, and also because that person would know how to find a woman better than me. I am angry at all the fun I missed out on.

 

And I haven't had two partners because I have great morals or values, it's because I'm anti social and inhibited (but don't really want to be), if I wasn't inhibited I'd probably have had sex with at least 50 men by now, so it's not like I've had less sex partners by choice or because I have good morals ( I actually have loose morals and don't mind being promiscuous), I just CAN'T be promiscous because of my anti-social personality which makes it hard for me to talk to men (I get too nervous).

 

I didn't choose to have a low number of sex partners, rather I was forced to because of my personality, but if I could choose I would much rather have a high number of partners because I want to have fun and enjoy myself.