AquaGirl Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 Been dating a wonderful guy for 6 months. Exchanged 'I love yous' at 5 months. He talks of our future. All looks peachy but... He has a big family and lots of friends which seem to take up alot of our alone time. He does want me with him when we go out with his bunch of friends/family but its too often for my taste. They are ok as people go, but they are not my friends. I did not choose them. And alot of the time they are boring. All I want is to hang out with my guy and I'd put up with 'the bunch' a couple of times a month. But I don't know how to approach this with my bf. I don't want him to feel that I am trying to isolate him from his friends/family, its just my personality to want alone time with my lover and lots of it. I guess I also feel that he must be bored in my presence to want to hang out with the bunch so much... He is a social person...I am to just not as much, and I prefer my own friends to hang around with whom I have hand picked myself... Just a note, but I don't really involve him much with my friends. I like to keep the both separate. But his friends are made up of cousins, sisters, and people he grew up with and the friends of his family so its difficult to separate his social get togethers from us as a couple.He wants me there with him. Its getting too much for me. He might get 5 phonecalls in one night asking him( and me if I want) to go out with them. He does like spending alone time with me, but the only weekend we spent together the way I want is when he was a bit miffed with his family and didn't want much to do with them. Whoever can see whats going on clearer than I can by reading this post please let me know if I am being unfair, if its an important issue not to be compatible, if there is a solution, and how to approach him with whats bothering me without me seeming to want to isolate,control or change him... I feel that I am dating a guy with a package deal...to get to go out with him I have to accept these people as part of our dates... Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 They are ok as people go, but they are not my friends. I did not choose them. And alot of the time they are boring. You did not choose them, but he did. They are his friends. This is part of who he is. He is close to his friends/family and enjoys being with all of them in a group. This is basic lifestyle/compatibility stuff. Only you can determine just how important this factor is to you in a future mate and if this is something you can live with forever. It's not unreasonable for you to want some alone time with him--have you talked to him about this? How much alone time do you want? Two nights a week? More than that? Link to post Share on other sites
AquaGirl Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 We spend one week night together alone, and I would like saturday and sunday together alone. I don't mind some part of sunday spent with his bunch but not the most part of the day and not all sundays. For example we spent last sunday, this thursday and most of this sundays afternoon to early evening with members of the bunch and got invited for a drink after that with other members of the bunch! I declined on the drink...said I wasn't up to it. I wasn't but only cos I ahve had enough of their company and just didn't want anymore. As a rule only saturday night is completely ours...and a week night of short duration cos he is working and is tired, wanting to chill out. I haven't spoken to him about it because I do not know how to approach it without sounding like I am moaning, disliking his friends or trying to isolate him. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 it doesn't sound to me like he doesn't give you enough alone time. however, like clia said, if this is going to bother you, - well, either you'll get used to it, or at some point you'll get fed up and leave him. why don't you skip more of his family gatherings? say, for every third one or so, say you don't feel like it & go out with your friends or stay home instead. good luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
AquaGirl Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 That sounds like a good idea Yes, thankyou, I will do that. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 28, 2003 Share Posted July 28, 2003 They are ok as people go, but they are not my friends. I did not choose them. And alot of the time they are boring I prefer my own friends to hang around with whom I have hand picked myself... Why don't you try learning to enjoy more people than just your 'hand-picked' few? Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted July 28, 2003 Share Posted July 28, 2003 why should anyone try to learn to enjoy people they find boring?? life's too short for that. If i find somebody boring, I'm off, unless i've got a very good reason to tolerate boredom. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 28, 2003 Share Posted July 28, 2003 Well, I guess it depends on what you call 'boring' but one of the secrets to success is to be able to converse with a wide range of people even if they are not your friends. The people she finds 'boring' are people that her BF wants to spend lots of time with; he's not going to dump them for her I'm guessing so she can decide everybody except her 'hand-picked' friends is boring or she could try to find reasons to like them. They may have very interesting qualities that she hasn't found because she hasn't given them a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
AquaGirl Posted July 28, 2003 Share Posted July 28, 2003 moimeme is missing the point here. My post is called package deal. When My bf asked me out he didn't say he and a gang of 15 single people would be on our dates.... I can tolerate them, I can converse with them, just like I can with anybody on the planet. I have social skills. I do like some of the bunch but that does not mean I want them taking up 50-75% of my dates with my guy and calling the rest of the time when we are actually alone. I might not like some of them, even my bf dislikes some of them. As an individual I just keep my friends separate from my dates and because my bf doesn't keep his separate I am finding it a little overwhelming. Now can someone give me some advice on how to approach the problem instead of judging me. I cannot help what I feel. If something is upsetting me then in my eyes something is wrong. Whether to someone else it means nothing is of no consequence to me since to me it obviously means something. Everybody is different and everybody is used to and desires different things from a relationship. And I happen to want to spend quality time with my guy without an entourage. He asked me out not his friends. Link to post Share on other sites
AquaGirl Posted July 28, 2003 Share Posted July 28, 2003 Since I metioned percentages in the above post I'd prefer the bunch take 25% of our date time and 75% be our alone time. Do you think I should mention that thats how I feel? Or do I just think about accepting the situation as basic lifestyle/compatibility stuff like you said that cannot be improved. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 28, 2003 Share Posted July 28, 2003 My concern is that he doesn't know you feel this way. He may just be so used to doing things with family/friends that it doesn't occur to him that the two of you need more alone time. I don't know if you necessarily need to give him percentages versus just saying you want alone time with him X nights a week. Talk to him! Communication is a great thing! If he doesn't agree and likes things how you are, at that point you have to think about whether or not you want to accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
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