bam_bam_38 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I am in a long distance relationship where the woman lives really far away and it makes it hard to deal with sometimes. She was with a guy for 10 years that she lived with but never married...they parted quite awhile ago but remained friends. She refers to him as her very best friend and it makes me feel less important. Recently she told me he was coming over to hang out with her and have a beer and she wanted me to meet him on Skype while he was at her house. I didn't like the idea too much and voiced my opinion of having a problem with talking to the both of them while they were together and I was far away. It made me jealous and I really didn't know what I would have to say to the guy unless it was about when they were a couple. Either way the whole thing just didn't sit right with me. She got mad at me for this and accused me of trying to OWN her or CONTROL her. I just didn't want to think of her with this guy...even in the past. My question to the other guys on here is....How would you react in the same situation and do you agree or disagree with my actions? And for the record they are just friends and he is dating someone else now...but I don't feel the need to get to know him just because she remained friends with him. Link to post Share on other sites
audiophile Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I totally agree with your actions dude. It would drive me nuts also to see them in skype together. As long as your girl says she's just best friends with him and you guys love each other then it's fine. I have the same situation also where my girlfriend lives on the other side of the world and it drives me nuts also whenever she talks about her ex or even goes over her place. I just think you should just it out with her and tell her that it makes you uncomfortable and talk it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Magpies Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 I'm not a guy but I totally agree with you. I think it's kind of selfish and inconsiderate of her to expect that of you. Ask her how common it is for people to still be friends with their long-time ex. If she agrees it's uncommon (and it is!) then bring up how unreasonable it is for her to expect you to understand with her way of thinking. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
newtothisstuff Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 I am sort of dealing with the same situation. But in my case, her ex is trying to prove to her that he's changed his ways, almost as to try and "win" her back. He constantly calls and texts her, he buys her gifts, etc. This has almost driven me to the point of violence, but I know she wouldnt be impressed by that. If you love this girl, and you trust her, then I wouldnt worry about it. You say they were together for 10 YEARS!!! Im not sure of the circumstances revolving their break-up, but after 10 years they obviously created a very strong bond that would be hard to just throw away after that long. My advice to you is to just try and be cool with it as much as you can. As long as this guy is respecting boundaries (i.e. not doing "boyfriendly" things such as buying her gifts and things) then it should be cool. Link to post Share on other sites
bones1 Posted June 29, 2008 Share Posted June 29, 2008 I think she is being COMPLETELY unreasonable. I wouldn't want my girlfriend to have over any man at all, much less one she has dated for 10 years, and have beers together? I am not saying they are having sex, but that would drive me crazy, and I am sure my girlfriend would drop me in a second if I pulled that myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Each instance is different. Maybe she just wanted you to meet him for her own reasons. I always advise women, if you are meeting a guy for the first time long distance, have someone with you. My ex did that, and though it annoyed me, she was smart, God knows who I am and what I could do. Maybe it was her attempt at introducing you to her friends. And shockingly some exs become the greatest of friends. And if she is willing to introduce you to her friends, that is a good thing. I understand your uncomfortableness, but this is the facts, if you get involved with someone, you are accepting their friends and family and pets and work, or what have you. If this is making you uncomfortable now, and if you sounded unreasonable to her, maybe you could find a better way to express your discomfort. But, don't demand or expect her to give up her friends for you...Only a controlling person would expect that. DNR And yes that does seem overly jealous and possessive to me. But, that is just me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I don't think it's weird or warped that she is friends with her ex. If you were all in the same place, I guess she would feel it only natural for you to get to know ALL her friends, of which this guy is obviously just one of the rest. (Unless she really IS weird and warped, if she IS carrying on with this guy it's highly unlikely that she'd want to announce it by arranging a 'Skype threesome', for goodness' sake.) Perhaps she was just trying to make you feel included in her life, rather than excluded? Wrong guess on her part, that made you feel hurt. Bad reaction on your part, that made her feel hurt. I would have no problem meeting my b/f's friends IF we are in the same place. Trying to develop a relationship with someone else's friends OTHER than in person is kinda really difficult. I would tell her that, and sorry that I may have over-reacted, but it also doesn't seem that she fully took into account the awkward position in which she was placing me. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I agree with Ronnie. The intro to the ex could easily be her way to try to put your mind at ease, since you will be able to see their interaction through webcam. While not in an LDR, I've intro'ed current SOs to exes, and setup threeway conference calls or chats, so there's full disclosure. This also ensures that if the Ex has any thoughts beyond friendship, it's best for him to stop thinking that way. Link to post Share on other sites
N2Natasha Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 Come on people! I'm with Mark on this one. The girl is doing her ex, plain, simple and OBVIOUS! You don't have your ex, who you were with for 10 years, come over to drink with you and "hang out" while you are supposedly in love with someone else. You just don't. Anyone who can't see they are doing the nasty is living in some serious denial. Link to post Share on other sites
EMBeee Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 I'm basically in the same boat as you, only I'm a woman... and my LD bf has TOLD me that he still has love for his ex. He NEVER told me that she is HIS best-friend, but that she tells him that he's HER best friend. I do get insecure over this because they hang out with one another ALL the time. Basically I feel that she is #1 to him, his kids are #2 (which I have no problem with), he himself is #3 and I'm #4. I'm starting to put my guard up... I don't want to settle for less than I deserve and I feel you shouldn't either!! Because once we let them walk all over us, then that means we've even gotten much less than what we settled for. I always think in the back of my head that they are "doing" things in bed... I hope they aren't... but it does pop into my head. Also, not to mention that they drive around in her new bf's car... very inconciderate to the new ones they supposedly love. Hell, why don't they just get back together if they're gonna hang out all the time and be each other's "best" friends while they're at it!?! I'm tired of being strung along, I'm tired of the mind games, I'm tired of the BS, I'm tired of always being 4th best. I deserve someone who will give me their undivided attention - except where kids come into play... but it's not fair to me and it's not fair to you either! I don't blame you for the way you feel... when I went to visit him in April, he asked me if I wanted to meet his ex when she dropped off the kids... I said NO! Why should I have to? There should be a reason why she didn't make it to his future right?!? Maybe my LD bf wouldn't be so down all the time if he'd just let go of her. He sees her basically everyday and how can one heal when they keep pulling the scab off of the wound? I have alot to offer and he might regret what he lets slip away if we get to that point! WOW!!! sorry I went off a bit off subject... had to vent a little I guess... but I'm tired of people like this... if they are so happy to be with each other when they should be with "us"... they should just get back together again i guess! LMAO!!! sorry... update us though ok... take care! Link to post Share on other sites
bones1 Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 I really can't believe some of the posters who are saying they would be cool with it. Have they never been in a relationship? Having ldr is tough enough, but knowing that your girlfriend is drinking with her ex boyfriend, alone, at her place? I would assume sex might occur, but even if it did not, that seems to be emotional cheating. Your girlfriend spending time with her ex, confiding in him, drinking with him, having fun with him, etc. I have never, ever, dated a woman whom I could call and say "oh hey, my ex is coming over to drink with me, is that cool?" And in the end, IF I did that, I would be even more distressed if she had no problem at all with it. Link to post Share on other sites
EMBeee Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 I really can't believe some of the posters who are saying they would be cool with it. Have they never been in a relationship? Having ldr is tough enough, but knowing that your girlfriend is drinking with her ex boyfriend, alone, at her place? I would assume sex might occur, but even if it did not, that seems to be emotional cheating. Your girlfriend spending time with her ex, confiding in him, drinking with him, having fun with him, etc. I have never, ever, dated a woman whom I could call and say "oh hey, my ex is coming over to drink with me, is that cool?" And in the end, IF I did that, I would be even more distressed if she had no problem at all with it. I agree with you! At first I was very jealous and pissed off and insecure over them hanging out all the time... but now I'm like "whatever"!!! So my LD bf needs to realize that he may regret what he lets slip away "me" because I know that his "ex" is gonna hurt him again... she is a serial cheater!!! I don't know... maybe she's got some good "stuff"?!? LOL... j/k... but I am now getting to the point where I "don't care" and my LD bf should start getting distressed over that, because I am guarding myself and pretty soon I might back off... I don't want to, but I almost have not other options because he doesn't make me feel important... but I know his ex is important... because he talks about her ALL the time!!! Get a clue already! Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 ...I'm tired of being strung along, I'm tired of the mind games, I'm tired of the BS, I'm tired of always being 4th best. I deserve someone who will give me their undivided attention - except where kids come into play... but it's not fair to me and it's not fair to you either! So why are you going to go see him in a few days? Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 Bam-bam, how long have you been together, and how serious are you two? How often do you see each other, and was your R every local? If you have only been together a few months, then I would be pretty pissed off, too, if my new BF was telling me who I could be friends with. (Esp if my new BF lived very far away and we never saw each other.) Link to post Share on other sites
Karyyk Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 I can't say that I'd like the situation if I were in your shoes (I know I wouldn't), but by the same token, I'm very good friends with someone I dated and I'm not going to kick her out of my life simply because I've started seeing someone. I think the problem here is that she refers to him as her "best friend," as if it's something you just can't compare/compete with. Put it this way, if you're going to make this work, you're going to have to come to terms with this friend, and if you can't, if it becomes a point of mistrust, you may well have to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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