Severe Clinical Depression

[Jilly Bean]

I have a sibling who has severe clinical depression. Only recently did we all find out just how severe it is. Apparently she hasn't worked in 3 years, and is months away from having her home foreclosed upon. Her BF tells me she lays around the house ALL day, and truly does nothing.

 

She also refuses to take meds...

 

Her BF is moving to the city where me and my folks live. Which is a state away from where she lives... He told me he can't live with her anymore and needs to get out of dodge. Sad, as he is a great guy.

 

Regardless, anyone else have a close family member with untreated severe depression? How did you and your family handle it?

 

My fear is that she will lose her house, and then what becomes of her? My folks will not give her any more money, and will not enable her. It pains me to no end to see the sadness she brings them. She was once on top of the world - top of her industry, fit, capable, etc. Now her life is slipping away.

 

It's possible for someone with severe depression to kill themselves slowly by letting their life erode, isn't it?

[whichwayisup]

How old is she?

 

Yes if she doesn't get treated for her depression it WILL get worse, and who knows what she would be capable of, especially if she is alone and has no support system.

 

Google depression fallout. There's some very helpful information there..

 

Have a family meeting about this and all of you together try to get her into the hospital. She really needs to be fully evaluated and put on medication, let alone counselling.

[Jilly Bean]

How old is she?

 

Yes if she doesn't get treated for her depression it WILL get worse, and who knows what she would be capable of, especially if she is alone and has no support system.

 

Google depression fallout. There's some very helpful information there..

 

Have a family meeting about this and all of you together try to get her into the hospital. She really needs to be fully evaluated and put on medication, let alone counselling.

 

Thanks, WWIU.

 

She just turned 43.

 

I am worried about when her BF leaves, too. Last break up with another guy left her suicidal.

 

My folks have talked about getting her institutionalized. Problem is, you need two docs to sign off on that, and she won't comply. Hell, if she won't take meds, then a hospital is not on the option list right now either. Though I agree 100% with you - it is exactly what she needs.

 

I do wonder if she will take her life once BF moves here.

 

How do you force someone into treatment? Im going to google depression fallout as you suggested.

 

THANKS!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Can they go to court? Maybe if they can legally get a piece of paper giving them the power to make her go, she'll have no choice. She needs to be in the hospital for a while..

 

You're welcome.

[sunshinegirl]

Who in your family is talking to her at this point? I'm under the impression that you're not close if you're only now learning that she hasn't worked in 3 years.

 

Institutionalization seems like it should be a last resort, not a first resort. It definitely sounds like she needs treatment but boy having been depressed myself sometimes the hardest step is being willing/able to do anything about it. Would she be open to counseling as a first step?

 

You might consider getting the book Noonday Demon. I forget the author's name but it gives a very realistic portrait of what depression does to a person.

[Jilly Bean]

WWIU - from what my folks have told me, they would need the two docs to sign off on her condition to get her hospitalized. Not sure about pursuing court as an angle, but might bear looking into at this point...

 

Sunshine - we have all been in touch with her. She has come out for family events a few times a year, and my folks talk to her once a week or so. I am pretty tired of her antics, to be honest, and don't deal much with her. Plus, she gives them a ton of grief, and I am very protective of them. Regardless, my folks tell me she has been very close-lipped about her work status. She is self-employed, so I guess when asked how work was, she would reply with fine, good, that kind of thing. We all knew she was living off her HELOC, but I guess it's getting down to the point that she will lose the house. Her BF told me recently he always thought she was a trust fund baby. Yikes.

 

She has been in counseling for most of her adult life. And in one in-patient facility for a week (voluntarily). All short-term fixes.

 

Biggest thing I see right now is her flat-out refusal to take meds. And without that, I don't think any amount of counseling alone will help her out.

 

You say you have been depressed. Is that garden variety? Or, was it as severe as hers? Did you take meds?

 

Thank you for the book recommendation. I will check into it.

 

[sunshinegirl]

You say you have been depressed. Is that garden variety? Or, was it as severe as hers? Did you take meds?

 

Thanks for the explanation. Tough situation, for sure.

 

My episodes of depression have been something more than garden variety but not chronic. Mine are situationally-driven (my worst breakups have triggered it, as did a traumatic trip to India a few years ago). I've successfully treated mine with counseling and, on two occasions, meds. I've recently learned there's a history of mental illness in my dad's family, so I'm pretty sure I've inherited a tendency toward depression.

 

Your sis sounds like a much more severe case, the kind that might well be described in Noonday Demon. I found the book depressing (ha) but sort of encouraging because I knew I was nowhere close to that severity.

 

One of the hardest things about treating depression is how the condition itself dampens its sufferer's interest in getting treatment.

 

What a tough thing for the family. Best of luck in getting her some help.

[Jilly Bean]

One of the hardest things about treating depression is how the condition itself dampens its sufferer's interest in getting treatment.

 

As I am quickly learning! Sounds like yours was situational - and therefore a bit easier to treat. Im glad you found some relief from this disease.

 

She used to truly be on top of the world. Earned about 250k per year, had a fab guy, was super fit, traveled, had friends up the yin yang. She was the toast of her city!

 

Im pretty angry with her for ruining such a beautiful life.

 

My folks have kind of thrown up their hands, as they realize she is too old to really control, unless things get MORE out of control, if that makes sense. I guess for their own sanity, they have had to let her go on this.

 

Her current BF will be leaving her soon, and that will be the catalyst for something in her life. Either for good, or for bad. Time will tell.

 

It just seems to be that the people who need meds the most (like her) are the last ones to take it, and people like yourself who need a little boost now and again are the first ones to seek treatment. sigh.

 

Thanks again for sharing your story...

[blind_otter]

 

How do you force someone into treatment? Im going to google depression fallout as you suggested.

 

Hey JB,

 

In FL they have something called the Baker Act. The police can Baker Act you, as can family. If they feel you are a danger to yourself or others, you can be involuntarily committed for up to 72 hours in order to be evaluated - if no one agrees to monitor you and take you out of the mental facility, you can actually stay there for up to 3 months AFAIK, though I'm not sure (a friend of mine was Baker Acted by a vengeful STBXH). They usually do this for people who are suicide risks.

[Jilly Bean]

Hey JB,

 

In FL they have something called the Baker Act. The police can Baker Act you, as can family. If they feel you are a danger to yourself or others, you can be involuntarily committed for up to 72 hours in order to be evaluated - if no one agrees to monitor you and take you out of the mental facility, you can actually stay there for up to 3 months AFAIK, though I'm not sure (a friend of mine was Baker Acted by a vengeful STBXH). They usually do this for people who are suicide risks.

 

Thanks, BO. I fear once her BF moves out, then we may be close to something like this being required.

 

I just feel very antsy, because I know nothing good is on the horizon with this situation. You know how you are just idly waiting for the sh*t to the fan? That's where we are at.

 

I would LOVE to get her committed...

[Nemo]

She'll probably just snap out of it, in her own time. I think we've all been in her position at least once in our lives. Most depression resolves itself.

[Lovelybird]

I think depression is born from lack of hope, or walking far from a road that destiny planed really good for her. If a person lack of hope, she would lack of passion for life, nothing to strive for. Could be she really wants something deeper for her soul, but didn't find it yet.

 

It is very interesting a doctor talk about our brains. She said that if we are depressed, our brain branch will appear black hole; the more black hole appears, the more the person feel depression. BUT, there is a cure we actually can do it by changing our thinking. She said in four days a person can decrease those black hole just by adjusting their thinking. Faith, forgiveness, love and positive thinking can make our brain grow new branches to cover those black holes. But negative thought and unforgiveness, hate and bitterness can make those black holes grows. Isn't it amazing?

 

If you are interested, this is the book

Who Switched off My Brain?: Controlling Toxic Thoughts and Emotions by Caroline, Dr. Leaf

 

and Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind: Winning the Battle in Your Mind is very good too

 

people say that depression is a family desease, in fact, that is not true. In family, there are many behaviours patterns that aren't good, and later generations just picked up those destructive behaviours patterns. It is those behaviour patterns that cause problems.

 

As a family member, maybe help her to participate some spiritual activities?

[sunshinegirl]

[rant]

 

I would be very interested to hear whether Nemo and Lovelybird have experienced severe depression themselves and whether their prescriptions for solving it worked out for them?

 

 

Depression is very very complex, and it is misleading and inaccurate to say she'll just "snap out of it" one day; and it is misleading and inaccurate to say she can just change her thinking and it'll resolve itself. (I have no doubt that if she felt she could change her thinking, she would have already or that if she could just snap out of it, she would)

 

Let's please not forget the chemical side of depression. At least some of it is messed up brain chemistry and, were she willing to go on meds, she would probably experience some degree of stabilization.

 

[/end rant]

[Lovelybird]

Yes, I experienced depression myself, even wanted to kill myself, and also a period wanted to do nothing, just numb. and I remembered when I cried my eyes out, wanted to hit myself, I felt like Lord appeared in my heart, He talked to me. He revealed to me who He is, instantly I felt peace, one day at a step, I began to really eat Bible. although in life I meet situations here and there, but I always knows Lord is here with me. I am quite happy now

 

my parents who didn't know about God said my changes was amazing, and said that must take a real God to do that

[D-Lish]

hey JB,

 

What about a family intervention?

Getting everyone together and putting some pressure on? Force-feeding a commitment to a program.

 

When people are severely depressed, there is no motivation, there is no hope, there is no end in sight for them. When things get that bad, people that severely compromised give in to the depression.

 

She is fortunate to have people around her aware of the problem - but a commitment to help is a big one, a long road.

 

Yeah, she needs a treatment program- she'll never go on her own.

An intervention is probably really important.

 

Bottoming out isn't necessarily a bad thing- it almost forces someone to make changes. If the bank forcloses on her house, there is incentive to make a change.

 

She is obviously very close to bottoming out if the bank is ready to forclose. Something to be aware of is that such a situation can lead in two different directions depending on her support system. She could end up suicidal, or homeless... or she could end up heading on a road to recovery. This is a huge crux in the road. It's almost certain she will go one way or another given the level of support available to her.

 

An intervention is crucial at this point. People who are that severely depressed can easily just slip away. Your sister sounds "listless"... which indicates a red flag for suicide. This is the time to intervene... someone who is listless is more likely to comply due to a lack of energy to fight an intervention.

 

Understandable that it must be freakin' frustrating to see a loved one with a copious amount of potential throw their life into the toilet... but I don't believe she has control over her destiny right now. It's a chemical imbalance, it probably means she needs to be on meds for life. The upside to this is that being on meds can restore your sis to the potential she posseses. The downside is that she will most likely always live with this.... and the chances of relapse without monitoring are high.

 

Is an invention a possibility? I think it's her only hope.

[sunshinegirl]

LB, I certainly can't dispute your divine healing.

 

I will only say that divine healing did not get me out of my own depression episodes (and believe me I was praying for healing). Meds and talk therapy did.

[Nemo]

Bottoming out isn't necessarily a bad thing-

I actually enjoy this part of the process.

Understandable that it must be freakin' frustrating to see a loved one with a copious amount of potential throw their life into the toilet...

This is where it's a sibling - any sibling - to the rescue. Jump in there, and pull them out. Before they get flushed.

[D-Lish]

I actually enjoy this part of the process.

 

This is where it's a sibling - any sibling - to the rescue. Jump in there, and pull them out. Before they get flushed.

 

 

It's probably very important at this stage of the game...

 

Never believed in a god or prayer... I always think it's much more important to believe in yourself, but you have to find inspiration somewhere.

[Nemo]

, but you have to find inspiration somewhere.

I think that there's a pill coming out for that, soon.

[Jilly Bean]

Thanks, everyone, for your responses.

 

Lovelybird - while I think it is admirable and fabulous (if not downright miraculous!) that you were able to cure your own depression by turning towards God, I firmly believe my sisters depression is chemical/biological, and therefore no amount of prayer is going to make her well. There are many types and degrees of depression, and sadly we are dealing with a woman who has had a crisis of faith of generalized loss of hope in her life. Were that it were that easy...

 

Sunshine - agreed, agreed! She had been on meds for a while, but again as I mentioned, like too many that *really* need it, she eschews the intervention. I suspect there comes a point of feeling comforted and "used to" depression as a way of life.

 

D - Lish - I am hoping that the impending realities of BF moving out our way, and her home about to be lost are enough to give her impetus to change. I know her depression is so debilitating, that I sincerely hope she gets a little clear before the worst happens.

 

Otherwise, the families attitude is that she needs to help herself, to a certain degree. My Mom told me she is going to keep the faith that sissy will make things right. She keeps saying that she plans on moving out here to be with her BF. Also, I know if she gets her sh*t together in time, even considering the huge HELOC she took on her house, she can still sell it and cash out with a good 350k, which is enough to get her started out our way.

 

Worst case, if we don't see her moving towards the goals she has outlined for herself, then like BO said, it will time to bypass intervention, and throw her in a 3-day situation against her will, and get her evaluated.

 

*sigh*. Depression is truly a horrible, horrible disease that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. It takes down so many that are strong and capable.

[johan]

It's tough. You're born into a life and given values by your family. You can choose a lot of paths, but most of the ones you can choose from are similar in some way. And sooner or later you have to lock onto one. Sometimes what you choose doesn't fit. And if you never happen across a path that leads to the right life for you, depression is something you end up fighting always.

 

Depression for me is just a constant state of always belonging somewhere else doing something else with someone else.

 

In some alternate universe, your sister is very happy.

[Jilly Bean]

It's tough. You're born into a life and given values by your family. You can choose a lot of paths, but most of the ones you can choose from are similar in some way. And sooner or later you have to lock onto one. Sometimes what you choose doesn't fit. And if you never happen across a path that leads to the right life for you, depression is something you end up fighting always.

 

Depression for me is just a constant state of always belonging somewhere else doing something else with someone else.

 

In some alternate universe, your sister is very happy.

 

Thing is, she used to very much be with the program, Johan. If this is something that we have dealt with forever, I'd ascribe to your thoughts. However, since she truly used to be on top of the world, and only in the last three years has really let her life fall apart, it's far more impactful and dramatic.

 

Sadly, I don't think she's happy anywhere. Perhaps comfortable in her depression, as it has become a second home to her, you know? It has to be like watching life go by behind a screen...

[lino]

Sorry to hear about the tough time your sister is facing Jilly Bean.

If you don't mind, could you please share some details of your sisters life & how exactly her downward spiral started?

I only ask because the story of your sister sounds similar to what happened to a guy I once knew. He was an acquaintance of mine who killed himself at the age of 24 (he'd be 27 now) so quite a bit younger than your sister but he was similar in that he had virtually everything going for him. Had had a great career lined up for himself, close with family and had a lot of good friends. He was the type who got any girl he wanted up until he decided to settle down with the one he wanted to marry. He was the same age as me and was one of the guys I really looked up to..I basically use to wish I was him because it seemed like he had it all & had absolutely nothing to be sad about.

One day, the girl he was going to marry got cold feet & left him. He went into a huge state of depression, taking meds & counselling for about 4-5 months then without any notice took his own life

This completely shocked everyone who knew him, not just the suicide but how he let something like that get to him so severely. Before this incident I considered suicide a really weak thing to do and depression as someone simply being lazy & using it as an excuse - not an illness. Since then I've got a very different view and really feel for people going through depression, even if its almost impossible for me to understand how people with so much going for em can get into such a state.

 

Sorry to go on a bit, I just thought I'd share my experience.

[josie54]

I've also experienced moderate depression (and still do) where you don't want to get out of bed or do anything or even breathe. You have absolutely no motivation to do anything, including getting any kind of help. In fact, it's worse than that. You have no hope. You think that nothing you do could possibly make things better or change your circumstance, so you figure, Why bother? It's a really dark place to be in.

 

Here's the thing: Without motivation, your sister probably will never reach out for help on her own, particularly if her depression is that severe. I agree with the previous post that if you don't want her to take any drastic measures or harm herself, you and your family should do this FOR her. Find a trusted health professional who specializes in depression and get his or her advice on how to stage an intervention. Once you know what to do and who/where to take her to, then you can go over as a group and physically take her wherever she needs to go to get help.

 

Because the other thing about depression--even though she refuses to do anything for herself, that passivity and hopelessness works the other way as well. She probably won't put up too much of a fight if you intervene. If the entire family shows up and TAKES her to the right place for treatment, she'll probably also be passive about that as well and go along simply because she doesn't have the will to fight it very hard.

 

Although I truly understand why you're so frustrated and angry with your sister for seemingly ruining her life, try not to be. If she truly has clinical, severe depression, it would almost be like being angry at her for getting cancer. It's a disease that can be treated.

 

Do step in, as a group, armed with the right treatment plan and take her where she needs to go. Severe mental health issues are the one area where it's not necessarily true that "the person has to want to change himself or herself." In some severe instances, the disease itself makes it incredibly unlikely that the person will choose to seek help on her own--she'll need others to act on her behalf.

[sunshinegirl]

Although I truly understand why you're so frustrated and angry with your sister for seemingly ruining her life, try not to be. If she truly has clinical, severe depression, it would almost be like being angry at her for getting cancer. It's a disease that can be treated.

 

Thanks for articulating this angle of it. There has been a (probably unintentional) tone of blame in the OP's description of her sister's situation. It's understandable from the perspective of people who haven't experienced depression themselves...and, it's completely unhelpful in terms of helping your sister. Josie put it really well.

 

In addition to pursuing the intervention idea, you might google "helping someone who's depressed" if you haven't already. I've seen some helpful webpages out there with "things to say/do" and "things NOT to say/do".