Kamikaze Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I am a MOW - The A has ended - 1 month 3 days ago (after 11 months)! Although, we met 20 + years ago and have been long distance friends during this time. He has been married for 37 years. I have been married for 20 + years. I am in terrible pain. He (MM) went back to the W. How do I get through this and move on with my life? I am seeing a Psychiatrist so don't say go there. Right now I just want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me!!!!! He had the nerve to tell me that he loves me deeply "but he must work things out with his W in order to ever have a relationship with his adult children and grandchildren again."He says he had no choice." I cut off all communication with him yesterday after he told me he was not going to be available to talk for a few days because he and the W have to get away alone to try and get rid of all the stress! EXCUSE ME? And do not tell me to tell my husband everything - because I am not going to destroy H's life too and hurt him. I plan to carry this burden all alone. Okay - blast way. You can't hurt me anymore than he has! I am dead inside! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MOWnSouth Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I am a MOW - The A has ended - 1 month 3 days ago (after 11 months)! Although, we met 20 + years ago and have been long distance friends during this time. He has been married for 37 years. I have been married for 20 + years. I am in terrible pain. He (MM) went back to the W. How do I get through this and move on with my life? I am seeing a Psychiatrist so don't say go there. Right now I just want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me!!!!! He had the nerve to tell me that he loves me deeply "but he must work things out with his W in order to ever have a relationship with his adult children and grandchildren again."He says he had no choice." I cut off all communication with him yesterday after he told me he was not going to be available to talk for a few days because he and the W have to get away alone to try and get rid of all the stress! EXCUSE ME? And do not tell me to tell my husband everything - because I am not going to destroy H's life too and hurt him. I plan to carry this burden all alone. Okay - blast way. You can't hurt me anymore than he has! I am dead inside! I certainly understand your position and would never blast or say to come clean. In my opinion is does only hurt the BS. I am sorry that you have to deal with this burden alone. You have made the best decision to have NC because hearing hurtful things, like the trip away just makes it worse. Try to stay busy with other things to keep you mind off of your pain. Even being involved in a situation that we knew was wrong and maybe deserve doesn't make it any less painful...we just have struggle through and hope that we've learned something valuable along the way. Again I am sorry and hope your heart heals! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikaze Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 Thank you for your kind response! Hopefully time will heal all. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I am in terrible pain. He (MM) went back to the W. How do I get through this and move on with my life? I am seeing a Psychiatrist so don't say go there. Right now I just want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me!!!!! He had the nerve to tell me that he loves me deeply "but he must work things out with his W in order to ever have a relationship with his adult children and grandchildren again."He says he had no choice." Irrational anger and the need for revenge is a very real part of the breakup so I understand you completely in what you are going though. As per him saying that he loves you but needs to work things out with his W does she know that he was in an A with you? If she does know don't forget that she will be pushing and guilting him into staying with her etc. so they tend to say that? I love you but "have" work on my marriage, the "have to" implies I am being asked to and I feel guilty and I must. Now a lot of the times what ends up happening is that they having to turns into "I can't do this" and so they start to seek you out again. Now if she doesn't know then it could be he has realised he needs to give his marriage one last fair chance and he might be torn on what to do, he loves you but he needs to see if ALL the love his W are completely gone. It is is so hard what you are going through and it makes you really angry that he ends up with his W and you are left out in the cold. If there is any consolation is that it will be JUST as hard for him, if he was truly in love with you it will be no walk on the park for him to redirect his energy to his W again so rest assured he is suffering too even if the choice makes sense in his head he can't lie to his heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MOWnSouth Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Irrational anger and the need for revenge is a very real part of the breakup so I understand you completely in what you are going though. As per him saying that he loves you but needs to work things out with his W does she know that he was in an A with you? If she does know don't forget that she will be pushing and guilting him into staying with her etc. so they tend to say that? I love you but "have" work on my marriage, the "have to" implies I am being asked to and I feel guilty and I must. Now a lot of the times what ends up happening is that they having to turns into "I can't do this" and so they start to seek you out again. Now if she doesn't know then it could be he has realised he needs to give his marriage one last fair chance and he might be torn on what to do, he loves you but he needs to see if ALL the love his W are completely gone. It is is so hard what you are going through and it makes you really angry that he ends up with his W and you are left out in the cold. If there is any consolation is that it will be JUST as hard for him, if he was truly in love with you it will be no walk on the park for him to redirect his energy to his W again so rest assured he is suffering too even if the choice makes sense in his head he can't lie to his heart. Absolutely! Great post! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Absolutely! Great post! oh my I should have edited right away what a disaster in typos though I apologise for that, I got whisked away and now it was too late to edit but thanks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I'm sure you've heard "the best revenge is living well", it really does hold a lot of truth. The living well part when you're in a lot of pain, though, can be decidedly difficult. What I would suggest to you is to keep your thoughts on other things as much as possible. Get involved - deeply - in something that fascinates you. You are already busy with home, husband and children, but busy is not necessarily involved. So, get involved - in something. It sounds like you intend to stay with your husband. If so, do your best to fall back in love with him. Not for his sake or your children's sake, but your own. Don't, please don't, seek revenge on your former lover. It will not turn out to your benefit, nor to your long-term good. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Given the limitations you placed on the advice you wanted to hear...here's the best I can suggest for you... Break off any potential form of contact so that he can't contact you if he tried. Change your phone number/email/IM...have his number blocked from your home phone if you need to. Erase him from any of your contact lists so that its harder to "slip" and fall back into the affair. Start dedicating all that time and focus and energy you spent on the affair back into your husband and your marriage. Find the reasons why you went outside of your marriage...figure out what MM was providing you that your H was not, and work with your H to start having those needs met at home. Do the same FOR your H as well. Start working out/running/etc...to help you deal with the stress and emotional distress you're going through right now. Come up with a good cover story to lie to your H about why you're suddenly going through all these changes. That's about all I can offer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikaze Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 Irrational anger and the need for revenge is a very real part of the breakup so I understand you completely in what you are going though. As per him saying that he loves you but needs to work things out with his W does she know that he was in an A with you? If she does know don't forget that she will be pushing and guilting him into staying with her etc. so they tend to say that? I love you but "have" work on my marriage, the "have to" implies I am being asked to and I feel guilty and I must. Now a lot of the times what ends up happening is that they having to turns into "I can't do this" and so they start to seek you out again. Now if she doesn't know then it could be he has realised he needs to give his marriage one last fair chance and he might be torn on what to do, he loves you but he needs to see if ALL the love his W are completely gone. It is is so hard what you are going through and it makes you really angry that he ends up with his W and you are left out in the cold. If there is any consolation is that it will be JUST as hard for him, if he was truly in love with you it will be no walk on the park for him to redirect his energy to his W again so rest assured he is suffering too even if the choice makes sense in his head he can't lie to his heart. Oh yes she knows! She is also very controlling, manipulative, and does not care who she hurts to get what she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Oh yes she knows! She is also very controlling, manipulative, and does not care who she hurts to get what she wants. BINGO!!! But wait she is not doing this to YOU she is doing this to save what she wants, her H. His words are HER words of the actions she expects him to deliver. He has to do this for her, what he really wants out of the situation only time will tell. she is pressing and pulling and demanding things from him right now, of course he loves you but his guilt and uncertainty of how he truly feels are playing tricks on him now and he needs to explore this without you in the picture, he feels he owes it to her, and quite possibly he owes it to himself too. He'll be back looking for you mark my words. BUT that doesn't mean you should wait around for this to happen, it he wants to give it a try let him to it only time will tell what will come out of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikaze Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 I'm sure you've heard "the best revenge is living well", it really does hold a lot of truth. The living well part when you're in a lot of pain, though, can be decidedly difficult. What I would suggest to you is to keep your thoughts on other things as much as possible. Get involved - deeply - in something that fascinates you. You are already busy with home, husband and children, but busy is not necessarily involved. So, get involved - in something. It sounds like you intend to stay with your husband. If so, do your best to fall back in love with him. Not for his sake or your children's sake, but your own. Don't, please don't, seek revenge on your former lover. It will not turn out to your benefit, nor to your long-term good. Take care. Staying busy will not be difficult. I have a very demanding job and I have many outdoor hobbies - I fly, kayak, and scuba dive so this time of year I can stay busy. I have not decided if I am going to stay married. I am working on that. I really do not want to hurt him - I just want to make my pain go away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 PS and I am glad you gave limitations to what is welcome and what is not in your thread, thats the only way to do it around here! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Oh yes she knows! She is also very controlling, manipulative, and does not care who she hurts to get what she wants. Hmmm sounds like how someone involved in an affair acts... maybe looking at your own actions and what you yourself could have done better will help you heal more than pointing the finger at other people... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikaze Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 I am certainly not going to wait around until HE decides! It is "my" life and I will decide what happens next. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Sounds like she fits right in with you and her butt husband. Birds of a feather, flock together. That's funny! OP, seeing that you aren't willing to examine your own actions in the past or the current but you still ask for help in getting over this prize of an OM, I have no advice to offer you. I'll leave that for the usual coddlers and hand-holders that have already given you responses. But my guess is that true healing won't come until you are ready to look within. That means you can't block out the truth, sorry honey but it doesn't work that way. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I am certainly not going to wait around until HE decides! It is "my" life and I will decide what happens next. As you should. You have done such a great job so far, I am sure you will continue to make good decisions for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 As you should. You have done such a great job so far, I am sure you will continue to make good decisions for everyone. BNB you are cracking me up today! I have no pity for these self-serving people who wonder why they're in pain... so at least you're giving me laughs for my time spent reading this drivel. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 It is interesting how someone with no limits or boundaries wants to set some on an open forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I am certainly not going to wait around until HE decides! It is "my" life and I will decide what happens next. And THAT is the attitude that will heal you from this the fastest! Taking the power back in the situation is the best way to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikaze Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 Thanks! People can say what they want - I am looking for help not judgement! Unless someone wants to walk in my shoes, endure what I have endured throughout my life, they should keep the judgements to themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 BNB you are cracking me up today! I have no pity for these self-serving people who wonder why they're in pain... so at least you're giving me laughs for my time spent reading this drivel. I am glad I could help, but it really wasn't my intention. She didn't want advice that she didn't agree with, so all I that leaves is for commentary. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I am glad I could help, but it really wasn't my intention. She didn't want advice that she didn't agree with, so all I that leaves is for commentary. That's not helping at all. You are doing what you and the rest of you lot do best, GOING ON A WITCH HUNT. that's not help at all and neither is what Nadiaj posted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Thanks! People can say what they want - I am looking for help not judgement! Unless someone wants to walk in my shoes, endure what I have endured throughout my life, they should keep the judgements to themselves. And at what point did you assume your life was worse than someone else's. So bad that it gave you the right to insert yourself into someone else's life without regard for their feelings. You made judgments about his wife without knowing her background or how she grew up, but no one here is supposed to do what you did to her. Again, interesting. Do what I say, not what I do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Thanks! People can say what they want - I am looking for help not judgement! Unless someone wants to walk in my shoes, endure what I have endured throughout my life, they should keep the judgements to themselves. I have walked in your shoes honey. I threw those dirty yucky shoes AWAY and the only way you will be able to do that is to look at yourself straight and honestly in the mirror. Doesn't sound like you're doing that. I am judging your actions, which unfortunately we as people are defined as. Change your actions and you will start to change your character. Not that it sounds like you want to. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Hmmm sounds like how someone involved in an affair acts... You may have acted like this when you were having an A, only you can say. But not all of us do or have done. Sweeping statements tend to irritate rather than enlighten. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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