In Pain

[whichwayisup]

I just do not believe that I should inflict this pain on him - why? So that I can ease my own burden?

 

Telling isn't to relieve your own pain and burden of your affair - Telling is facing the consquences of your actions and choices. Telling is allowing your husband to decide for himself if he wants to forgive you and work on the marriage, or divorce. You took the marriage into your own hands and threw it away BY cheating - And even now you aren't sure if you want to stay married...Isn't that unfair to decide the fate of your marriage without discussing it with your husband? Or atleast try to save it by doing counselling and being completey honest?

[bentnotbroken]

Telling isn't to relieve your own pain and burden of your affair - Telling is facing the consquences of your actions and choices. Telling is allowing your husband to decide for himself if he wants to forgive you and work on the marriage, or divorce. You took the marriage into your own hands and threw it away BY cheating - And even now you aren't sure if you want to stay married...Isn't that unfair to decide the fate of your marriage without discussing it with your husband? Or atleast try to save it by doing counselling and being completey honest?

 

 

She won't let him chose, she wants the right to control his life and hers.

[Owl]

Fair enough...but let me ask you...can you see how there's a difference here between the message and the messenger?

 

You don't want to hurt him...I believe that. But the thing that you're not seeing is...you've ALREADY hurt him by having the affair. THAT is the source of the pain...its just not arrived yet.

 

The truth WILL come out at some point...now, or years down the road. Even if you divorce, he'll hear about it years later and be hurt by it.

 

I think you're confusing TELLING him with hurting him. Its not the TELLING him that hurts...its the affair itself.

 

That's already been done.

 

All you're doing by telling him is putting your marriage back on an even footing...you're GIVING him the knowledge. You're giving him back something he NEEDS to know to make his choice to stay married to you or to try to rebuild the marriage.

 

See the difference?

[Owl]

Take note...all of those urging you to tell him...were the ones that were betrayed themselves.

 

They're telling you that they would have wanted to know the truth.

 

So its not the ones who were betrayed...its not the ones in your H's shoes...that are advocating "not hurting him".

 

What do you think of that?

[Kamikaze]

Telling isn't to relieve your own pain and burden of your affair - Telling is facing the consquences of your actions and choices. Telling is allowing your husband to decide for himself if he wants to forgive you and work on the marriage, or divorce. You took the marriage into your own hands and threw it away BY cheating - And even now you aren't sure if you want to stay married...Isn't that unfair to decide the fate of your marriage without discussing it with your husband? Or atleast try to save it by doing counselling and being completey honest?

 

I do hear what you are saying. I am in therapy. But on the point of telling him I disagree. I truely believe that this is a burden I must carry myself. I have to face my own guilt.

[bentnotbroken]

Take note...all of those urging you to tell him...were the ones that were betrayed themselves.

 

They're telling you that they would have wanted to know the truth.

 

So its not the ones who were betrayed...its not the ones in your H's shoes...that are advocating "not hurting him".

 

What do you think of that?

 

 

Owl, you are right. All the people who are telling you what you WANT to hear, may not have and I say may not have, been in the BS shoes. We had the right to decide for ourselves whether we stayed in the marriage or left it. We couldn't have done that without the knowledge of the affair. Just to think about living a lie for all the years of my M and continuing to live it(yea, Mr. Messy said he wouldn't have told me if he hadn't been busted by me first) was unfair. Even though I believed he would have divorced me eventually, I would have lived my life believing what he said, about the reasons for a divorce, not that he found some other man's wife vagina more appealing.

[silktricks]

Staying busy will not be difficult. I have a very demanding job and I have many outdoor hobbies - I fly, kayak, and scuba dive so this time of year I can stay busy.

 

I have not decided if I am going to stay married. I am working on that.

 

I really do not want to hurt him - I just want to make my pain go away.

 

Remember - busy is not the same as involved. Busy will keep your hands occupied, involved will keep your mind occupied - and that's what you need right now.

 

Once you decide about the marriage angle - then you can work (or not) on the marriage. But you are the only one (and your husband obviously) whether or not your marriage is right for you.

 

If you don't want to hurt him, then don't (I know - easy to say). But remember, if you hurt him, then he may (or his wife may) then decide to hurt back and take away your options.

 

If you can - keep yourself distracted. Now, I'll be honest here and tell you that distraction doesn't work for me. What I do is the very opposite - when I'm trying to stop thinking about something I force myself to obsess until my brain simply won't go there anymore. But, I know that what works for me doesn't work for most people. For most people distraction works better, that's why I suggest it.

[OWoman]

I just do not believe that I should inflict this pain on him - why? So that I can ease my own burden?

 

Kami, if you and your H are in tune, he'll pick up something is not right, and he'll want to get to the bottom of it. You'll then be faced with either telling him, or lying to him. Best to decide at this stage how to play it, so that you're not caught unprepared. It's a difficult thing to broach, and so going in cold may not serve you well if you do want to come clean with him. And if he asks outright and you lie, you will feel so much more conflicted, he'll pick up on that, and you'll get stuck in a spiral that's difficult to emerge from.

 

If you and your H are not in tune, and he doesn't pick up on it, you'll need to think carefully... is this a M you want to continue with, living past each other? Or would you like to make changes - either to move on alone, or to try to shift the M into higher gear into one you can see yourself in for the long haul. If you land up moving on, telling him is neither here nor there and him finding out down the track makes no difference. But if you're wanting to reconstruct the M into something better, you'll find yourself at a point where you hold a secret and that might be a stumbling block to a fuller, deeper R with him.

 

Who do you want to be celebrating your birthday with in 5 years time?

[Kamikaze]

Take note...all of those urging you to tell him...were the ones that were betrayed themselves.

 

They're telling you that they would have wanted to know the truth.

 

So its not the ones who were betrayed...its not the ones in your H's shoes...that are advocating "not hurting him".

 

What do you think of that?

 

I think that everyone's situation is different and that no one can predict the future.

[luvmy2ns]

I do hear what you are saying. I am in therapy. But on the point of telling him I disagree. I truely believe that this is a burden I must carry myself. I have to face my own guilt.

 

You must not have felt too guilty during the cheating. And if your MM hadn't decided to go back to his W, you would still be cheating. I'm confused where guilt comes into play here.

 

I call BS on that. It's not that you feel you should face your guilt alone, it's because you want to keep your options open and if your H knew the truth, HE might close that door FOR you.

[whichwayisup]

I am in therapy.

 

In therapy in the sense of a therapist specialized in?? Has he/she advised you not to tell? If so, isn't a Marriage Counsellor because a T who helps "just" you, WILL tell you NOT to tell. A marriage counsellor who has your best interests at heart including the marriage and your husband, WILL encourage you to tell.

 

As long as you're prepared to deal with the fallout when he does find out ...

[bentnotbroken]

OWoman, has basically given you the same story that Owl did. She stumbling blocks if you don't make some important decisions soon. She didn't tell you to tell your H, but she told you what some of the possible consequences are. No one can see the future, but it can be reasonably predicted with certain behaviors and situations. No everyone isn't the same, nor are the situations. But there are things in life that no matter who does them or in what era, the outcomes can be eerily similar.

[bish]

I am a MOW - The A has ended - 1 month 3 days ago (after 11 months)!

Although, we met 20 + years ago and have been long distance friends during this time. He has been married for 37 years. I have been married for 20 + years.

 

I am in terrible pain. He (MM) went back to the W. How do I get through this and move on with my life? I am seeing a Psychiatrist so don't say go there. Right now I just want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me!!!!!

 

And what do you think your husband ought to do to you?

 

 

And do not tell me to tell my husband everything - because I am not going to destroy H's life too and hurt him.

 

Oh please. Whether he realizes it or not, you damaged your H's life already by having an affair.

 

I plan to carry this burden all alone.

 

So you are a martyr now? Are we now suppose to believe that you are carrying this "burden" alone because you are doing it for your husband?

 

Okay - blast way. You can't hurt me anymore than he has! I am dead inside!

 

You talk about the hurt this MM did to you. My concern lies with what you did to your husband and the other MM's wife.

 

Ya ya ya, no matter how much your husband deserves to know the truth, I know you aint gonna tell him. You had the guts to have an affair, but not the guts to come clean.

 

And if you were so enamored with this MM, its obvious you don't give a hoot about your marriage, so why not just get a divorce? Because now the MM doesn't want you any longer?

[bish]

I certainly understand your position and would never blast or say to come clean. In my opinion is does only hurt the BS.

 

Then you have never looked at it from a BS's point of view.

[bish]

Oh yes she knows! She is also very controlling, manipulative, and does not care who she hurts to get what she wants.

 

???? Sound in any way familiar does it?

[Kamikaze]

Kami, if you and your H are in tune, he'll pick up something is not right, and he'll want to get to the bottom of it. You'll then be faced with either telling him, or lying to him. Best to decide at this stage how to play it, so that you're not caught unprepared. It's a difficult thing to broach, and so going in cold may not serve you well if you do want to come clean with him. And if he asks outright and you lie, you will feel so much more conflicted, he'll pick up on that, and you'll get stuck in a spiral that's difficult to emerge from.

 

If you and your H are not in tune, and he doesn't pick up on it, you'll need to think carefully... is this a M you want to continue with, living past each other? Or would you like to make changes - either to move on alone, or to try to shift the M into higher gear into one you can see yourself in for the long haul. If you land up moving on, telling him is neither here nor there and him finding out down the track makes no difference. But if you're wanting to reconstruct the M into something better, you'll find yourself at a point where you hold a secret and that might be a stumbling block to a fuller, deeper R with him.

 

Who do you want to be celebrating your birthday with in 5 years time?

 

My H and I have not been "in tune" for many years! He has never asked, noticed, or mentioned anything during the entire affair and now that I am hurting I keep that from him too. We have never been what one might call romatically in love. We have been good partners - I have been there when he needed me too and he has been there when I needed him to be.

 

Like I stated, I am not certain what I want right now so as long as I am confused I am not going to make decisions that could hurt him.

[OWoman]

Take note...all of those urging you to tell him...were the ones that were betrayed themselves.

 

You're right, Owl - it's (some, not all) BSs arguing from the BS point of view, of what they think the H would want.

 

Others of us are trying to take a more objective perspective from the OP's POV - to consider carefully what the implications are of telling vs not telling, given the OP's situation and the way it may unfold. Only Kami knows which fits, but she needs to consider carefully what the likely results are of acting either way, so that she's comfortable with the outcomes she chooses. Some are easier than others, but ultimately she's the one that has to carry the weight of her own decisions on her conscience and in the effects on her M and others around her.

 

 

I know in my own life I prefer brutal honesty, both to give and to receive, but I also know I'm not everybody and some people - even BSs - have posted here to say they'd rather not know. One cannot assume on the Hs behalf either way with certainty. But one can guess, and Kami can confirm or reject, based on what she's posted so far, how she herself may respond in certain scenarios, whether she tells or doesn't tell her H. In the end, she has to be comfortable with her decision as she's the one who has to implement it and live with the fall-out, whichever way it goes.

[Tomcat33]

I do hear what you are saying. I am in therapy. But on the point of telling him I disagree. I truely believe that this is a burden I must carry myself. I have to face my own guilt.

 

 

I see what you are saying. I believe that just because it seems like a bad idea now, it doesn't mean you can't come around and decide differently down the road when you feel more clear headed, people can change in this respect.

 

I have the pattern laid out pretty clearly in terms of what drives people to stay quiet and what drives those to talk.

 

There are people that decide to keep this quite and want to focus on seeing where they stand with their partner the reasoning is if I find that I want out of the relationship then I can do so without them even knowing what happened and it does't matter anyway they will see that I wanted out not because I cheated but because I was ready to move on from the relationship.

 

The other side of the coin is, time goes by and you realise that you actually want to stay in the relationship and infact you realise you have fallen inlove with your mate again and start to see them with different eyes, but it is at this crucial moment when it seems like you can break through to the otherside that this burden and secret that you are carrying within starts to way heavily. So much so that you decide to THEN confront your partner and instead of continuing on the road of recovery this sets the whole relationship back almost to the begining of where you are now.

 

Something to seriously consider.

 

If it is something that you plan to keep quite best to keep it quiet forever if things work out. But I just don't know how you can grow to love your partner again and look them in the eyes and tell them that you love them carrying that cross inside.

 

I know you are probably not in any emotional shape to think about this now and given how much pain you carry inside for the breakup of your OM I don't think you need to compound your pain by adding this to the bill right now. I say continue in your individual therapy and see where it leads you next.

 

Do you want to do couple's therapy? Where there problems in your marriage before you met your OM?

[bish]

And I don't make judgements about the W.

 

"She is also very controlling, manipulative, and does not care who she hurts to get what she wants"

 

I'm sure glad you didn't make those judgements as stated above.

 

Oh wait.......you did.

[Kamikaze]

Thank you OWoman! Right now I just cannot see hurting more people because I am hurting. At some point in time I may change my opinion but I believe I need to have a clear head before I do.

[whichwayisup]

My H and I have not been "in tune" for many years! He has never asked, noticed, or mentioned anything during the entire affair and now that I am hurting I keep that from him too.

 

Then it sounds like communication breakdown. Wouldn't it have been better years ago to talk to your husband, tell him you're unhappy? That your needs weren't being met, that you were miserable and close to having an affair? Maybe back then the two of you could have done counselling, tried to fix the state of the marriage to make it better. I'm sure he isn't as happy and clueless as you think he is. If he doesn't talk to you about how he's feeling too, then chances are he may know already...The red flags are there, he just needs to open his eyes.

[Owl]

I think that everyone's situation is different and that no one can predict the future.

 

I've been on this forum and others for almost four years now. I've been through a lot in my own life, and have seen literally hundreds, if not thousands of similar stories, and how they unfolded.

 

I can tell you that the stiuations differ only slightly, and very, very rarely do the dynamics in them differ enough to warrant taking a drastically different action like not telling the truth.

 

No one can predict the future...but we can all "play the odds". Why don't you close your eyes and walk across the street with them closed? Because the "odds" are, you'll be hit by a car for your troubles.

 

We CAN predict, with a reasonable amount of accuracy, how your story will play out, depending on your actions.

 

Even your comment about situations being different...I've seen it TONS of times on tons of similar threads on this very same forum.

 

Your desire not to tell your H...EXACT SAME THING. The arguments you use...exactly the same.

 

These things play out like movie scripts...in nearly every case. Very, VERY rarely you see something unique. In four years, I've seen less than a handful of situations that were unusual enough to make a difference in the outcome.

 

 

Owoman, seriously, I've not seen ANYTHING in this post to show me that there's any "unique" reason why Kami SHOULDN'T tell. I know you're an advocate for the "every situation is different" viewpoint...and you well know I'm not.

 

I still feel that confusing the message with delivering it are TWO SEPERATE THINGS.

 

The affair is there...the damage is DONE.

 

The damage done to the person who was cheated on was the LIES AND DECEPTIONS that enabled the affair to go on. Not telling...is simply a continuation of that. Everyday that her H isn't told...the affair continues, in his viewpoint. It won't lessen the blow if he hears about it five years from now. It'll be the same thing as if it had just happened.

 

I won't push this any further.

[Tomcat33]

My H and I have not been "in tune" for many years! He has never asked, noticed, or mentioned anything during the entire affair and now that I am hurting I keep that from him too. We have never been what one might call romatically in love. We have been good partners - I have been there when he needed me too and he has been there when I needed him to be.

 

.

 

 

I can see that, a lot of people in As make the same comment. Some people think it is the OP that enables and faciliates an affair to happen and there is some heavy hiding and sneaking happening behind the BS's back but in actuality the lack of interest was so predominant in the marriage to begin with that even a third party intervention goes unnoticed.

[Kamikaze]

I see what you are saying. I believe that just because it seems like a bad idea now, it doesn't mean you can't come around and decide differently down the road when you feel more clear headed, people can change in this respect.

 

I have the pattern laid out pretty clearly in terms of what drives people to stay quiet and what drives those to talk.

 

There are people that decide to keep this quite and want to focus on seeing where they stand with their partner the reasoning is if I find that I want out of the relationship then I can do so without them even knowing what happened and it does't matter anyway they will see that I wanted out not because I cheated but because I was ready to move on from the relationship.

 

The other side of the coin is, time goes by and you realise that you actually want to stay in the relationship and infact you realise you have fallen inlove with your mate again and start to see them with different eyes, but it is at this crucial moment when it seems like you can break through to the otherside that this burden and secret that you are carrying within starts to way heavily. So much so that you decide to THEN confront your partner and instead of continuing on the road of recovery this sets the whole relationship back almost to the begining of where you are now.

 

Something to seriously consider.

 

If it is something that you plan to keep quite best to keep it quiet forever if things work out. But I just don't know how you can grow to love your partner again and look them in the eyes and tell them that you love them carrying that cross inside.

 

I know you are probably not in any emotional shape to think about this now and given how much pain you carry inside for the breakup of your OM I don't think you need to compound your pain by adding this to the bill right now. I say continue in your individual therapy and see where it leads you next.

 

Do you want to do couple's therapy? Where there problems in your marriage before you met your OM?

 

Yes, there were/are many problem areas in the marriage. No matter what he would NEVER go to couples therapy with me. Not an option for him.

[Owl]

Thank you OWoman! Right now I just cannot see hurting more people because I am hurting. At some point in time I may change my opinion but I believe I need to have a clear head before I do.

 

Again...YOU ALREADY HURT HIM BY HAVING THE AFFAIR. HE JUST DOESN"T KNOW IT YET. You're confusing his knowing with the damage that was done.