In Pain

[Lizzie60]

I am a MOW - The A has ended - 1 month 3 days ago (after 11 months)!

Although, we met 20 + years ago and have been long distance friends during this time. He has been married for 37 years. I have been married for 20 + years.

 

I am in terrible pain. He (MM) went back to the W. How do I get through this and move on with my life? I am seeing a Psychiatrist so don't say go there. Right now I just want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me!!!!! He had the nerve to tell me that he loves me deeply "but he must work things out with his W in order to ever have a relationship with his adult children and grandchildren again."He says he had no choice."

 

I cut off all communication with him yesterday after he told me he was not going to be available to talk for a few days because he and the W have to get away alone to try and get rid of all the stress! EXCUSE ME?

 

And do not tell me to tell my husband everything - because I am not going to destroy H's life too and hurt him. I plan to carry this burden all alone.

 

Okay - blast way. You can't hurt me anymore than he has! I am dead inside!

 

I know this is hard but you have to move on.... never contact him again and if he tries to contact you.. simply ignore him.

 

Concentrate on your life.. on you...

 

Only time will help... try to avoid him as much as you can.

[me003]

Those of us who have experienced similar situations do understand and you just have to look past those who don't mind throw stones at you. Alot of what they say maybe true but its hard to absorb it when its presented with such hatred. good luck!

 

I agree. If you donlt like the post that are written by the same people just alert the forum.

Some people never sin and are so perfect that they have all the answers, but since I go to church and believe that Jesus dies for our sins, then I believe that God will forgive our sins if we ask for help.

 

It seem that some people on here thinkg of then self as higher or just as high as GOD.

 

ALl I can say is read Secret Love and He is not Really Into You. Both books give you ways or realizing that what you had was real only to you. However you will not heal until you are ready to let yourself be healed. He may have felt something for you but remember when you have children (even if they are grown up) your decisions change because you are thinking of them. Whether their relationship works out or not should not be your concern because he chose to cheat. You are deciding to keep your sin to yourself and that is fine but until you let it go you will always and will never fully heal.

 

good luck and if the words hurt it is not my intention. Keep working on your therapy and just have fun and let go.

[me003]

Thank you OWoman! Right now I just cannot see hurting more people because I am hurting. At some point in time I may change my opinion but I believe I need to have a clear head before I do.

 

I understand the wanting to keep your pain alone, but if he ever comes out and asks you would you tell him or just keep it to your self.

 

He coudl forgive you or he could leave. It happens all the rime.

 

Now if you tell him even though it will def change your life forever it will make you fell so much better when you can let go of all of it.

 

Again it is up to you because it;s your life, but then again it is his life too.

 

I overlooked all the clues that my ex was giving and he didn't tell me. I found out after I was divorced, but I am glad I found out after I was healed. a divorce and knowing of an affair would have probably driven me to meds or who knows... it was a low point in my life and I would never want that for anyone, but noone is perfect. or are we???

[Kamikaze]

I agree. If you donlt like the post that are written by the same people just alert the forum.

Some people never sin and are so perfect that they have all the answers, but since I go to church and believe that Jesus dies for our sins, then I believe that God will forgive our sins if we ask for help.

 

It seem that some people on here thinkg of then self as higher or just as high as GOD.

 

ALl I can say is read Secret Love and He is not Really Into You. Both books give you ways or realizing that what you had was real only to you. However you will not heal until you are ready to let yourself be healed. He may have felt something for you but remember when you have children (even if they are grown up) your decisions change because you are thinking of them. Whether their relationship works out or not should not be your concern because he chose to cheat. You are deciding to keep your sin to yourself and that is fine but until you let it go you will always and will never fully heal.

 

good luck and if the words hurt it is not my intention. Keep working on your therapy and just have fun and let go.

 

Thank you for your reply 03! I know you are right - right now I just cannot dump all of this on my H so that I can release the burden. When the time is right I will tell him for the right reasons.

[Kamikaze]

I know this is hard but you have to move on.... never contact him again and if he tries to contact you.. simply ignore him.

 

Concentrate on your life.. on you...

 

Only time will help... try to avoid him as much as you can.

 

I really do plan to stay in NC. He will not call or email - the BW is monitoring everything 24/7. He will not chance it again So, if I can just get passed a few weeks without breaking down I may be okay. Right now - it is day by day.

[bentnotbroken]

I agree. If you donlt like the post that are written by the same people just alert the forum.

Some people never sin and are so perfect that they have all the answers, but since I go to church and believe that Jesus dies for our sins, then I believe that God will forgive our sins if we ask for help.

 

It seem that some people on here thinkg of then self as higher or just as high as GOD.

 

ALl I can say is read Secret Love and He is not Really Into You. Both books give you ways or realizing that what you had was real only to you. However you will not heal until you are ready to let yourself be healed. He may have felt something for you but remember when you have children (even if they are grown up) your decisions change because you are thinking of them. Whether their relationship works out or not should not be your concern because he chose to cheat. You are deciding to keep your sin to yourself and that is fine but until you let it go you will always and will never fully heal.

 

good luck and if the words hurt it is not my intention. Keep working on your therapy and just have fun and let go.

 

 

 

And some people here don't read or care about God and what he says. Some do believe but not in the part about fornication, adultery or going forth and sinning no more. For those who believe they are perfect, that is sad.

[Lyssa]

Kamikaze, I was the OW and I hate to act as if I know exactly what is going on in one's life even though I have been there. There isn't much that I can offer except this - concentrate on getting your life back together.

 

There will always be a few people on this board that will act mightier than you and everyone else - there isn't much you can do about those people but there are also some people on LS (BS & OW/former OW) that can offer you good advice without being judgmental and horrible. At the end of the day, it is entirely up to you what you do with all the advice you get from here and your life.

[Kamikaze]

I appreciate the tip! I'm just taking it day by day. Everyone's "been there done that" helps a great deal. All experinces are different no doubt - but, knowing I am not the only one that has been here helps.

 

I know I need to focus on my life right now - but, it is hard to do when one loves someone so much they would give their life for that person.

[White Flower]

I appreciate the tip! I'm just taking it day by day. Everyone's "been there done that" helps a great deal. All experinces are different no doubt - but, knowing I am not the only one that has been here helps.

 

I know I need to focus on my life right now - but, it is hard to do when one loves someone so much they would give their life for that person.

Just be careful, he may not return the sentiment. Protect yourself, sweetie.

[OWoman]

Just be careful, he may not return the sentiment. Protect yourself, sweetie.

 

...or may not feel he's able to, when push comes to shove, despite what he says and thinks now.

 

Look after yourself, Kami.

[Kamikaze]

I do hear what you are saying. I am trying - I really am trying! I don't think I mentioned that I am only the second woman he has every been with - ever! He married very young - then met me 6 years later. Across the years we have always thought we should have been together - I left him the first time (another long story). We both believe we were brought back together by a higher reason.

 

I believe he is doing what he feels is right - for his family. I do not blame him for that - I would not want him to forsake them now - he could never live with himself if he did - and I would not want him if he was that kind of person. I know in my heart that he would only grow to hate me if his children were not part of his life.

 

However, knowing this does not make anything any easier!

[OWoman]

I do hear what you are saying. I am trying - I really am trying! I don't think I mentioned that I am only the second woman he has every been with - ever! He married very young - then met me 6 years later. Across the years we have always thought we should have been together - I left him the first time (another long story). We both believe we were brought back together by a higher reason.

 

I believe he is doing what he feels is right - for his family. I do not blame him for that - I would not want him to forsake them now - he could never live with himself if he did - and I would not want him if he was that kind of person. I know in my heart that he would only grow to hate me if his children were not part of his life.

 

However, knowing this does not make anything any easier!

 

(((((hugs))))) Kami!

[Kamikaze]

Big ((((((hug))))))) back to you OW!

[me003]

- I really am trying! I don't think I mentioned that I am only the second woman he has every been with - ever! He married very young - then met me 6 years later.

 

Would it have made a difference if the number was higher? Would you feel less pain or less guilt?

 

I know it's hard and you probably want to spend your days in bed, but just go to the movies and go the beach and keep active. Not that I encourage meds, but maybe an antideppresant, which will take about 30 days to take affect, might be what you need to get out of your state. I think once you get out of it you will be able to see things clearly and see what it was that you were really in.

[OWoman]

Would it have made a difference if the number was higher? Would you feel less pain or less guilt?

 

Interesting point. I think it IS significant for the MM - I've found myself in that position too, unknowingly, and had MMs confess afterward that I was only the second woman they'd ever been with. It's certainly shaped how THEY experienced it - ever so much more intensity, guilt, attachement and a whole host of accompanying emotions. In all cases but one those MMs left their Ms as a result of the A with me - and the one who stayed (the only one who actually HEARD when I said I wouldn't marry him) has turned to drinking to deal with his guilt so D looks likely in any event.

 

And Kami, being far more in tune and caring than me, would certainly be affected by the significance it held to her MM. (Sorry Kami for putting words in your mouth! Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong...)

[me003]

And some people here don't read or care about God and what he says. Some do believe but not in the part about fornication, adultery or going forth and sinning no more. For those who believe they are perfect, that is sad.

 

This is why I believe that GOD will always forgive anyone's sins if they ask him and pray for help. Then again it is up to them to ask for help. But, usually human beings learn by making mistakes.

[Owl]

This is why I believe that GOD will always forgive anyone's sins if they ask him and pray for help. Then again it is up to them to ask for help. But, usually human beings learn by making mistakes.

 

I completely agree. But he'll only forgive them if they stop engaging in that sin.

[Kamikaze]

Would it have made a difference if the number was higher? Would you feel less pain or less guilt?

 

I know it's hard and you probably want to spend your days in bed, but just go to the movies and go the beach and keep active. Not that I encourage meds, but maybe an antideppresant, which will take about 30 days to take affect, might be what you need to get out of your state. I think once you get out of it you will be able to see things clearly and see what it was that you were really in.

 

No, I do not believe that the number would make any difference at all. I'm at work today and trying to concentrate on what I need to do here. But, of course my mind keeps going back to the days when he would call me 5 - 10 times a day, txt me little funny things, and we would spend our lunch hours on the phone. But, I am not going to pick up the phone today, or email, or anything else. I plan to stay in NC - just as he has - except for when I would call. We will see what happens next.

[Kamikaze]

Interesting point. I think it IS significant for the MM - I've found myself in that position too, unknowingly, and had MMs confess afterward that I was only the second woman they'd ever been with. It's certainly shaped how THEY experienced it - ever so much more intensity, guilt, attachement and a whole host of accompanying emotions. In all cases but one those MMs left their Ms as a result of the A with me - and the one who stayed (the only one who actually HEARD when I said I wouldn't marry him) has turned to drinking to deal with his guilt so D looks likely in any event.

 

And Kami, being far more in tune and caring than me, would certainly be affected by the significance it held to her MM. (Sorry Kami for putting words in your mouth! Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong...)

 

I do care how it affects my xMM. I really do want him to be happy. But, I know in my heart that he was not happy before the A and I just cannot see how he is going to make this work out with the BW. Only because I have been involved with the situation for 20+ years and I know her background, family, and personality.

 

Right now he believes that if he does not stay and try to work things out in his M that he will never see or hear from his children or grandchildren - ever! The last thing he said to me was - he just has to get back to where he was right before we started seeing one another again. This was a place, however, where he was in pain, hated his life, and was considering leaving back then. His children understand what he has been through with thier mother - what they do not understand is how he could turn to another woman while still married to her. Of course it does not help that the BW is controlling their actions too.

[me003]

I do care how it affects my xMM. I really do want him to be happy. But, I know in my heart that he was not happy before the A and I just cannot see how he is going to make this work out with the BW. Only because I have been involved with the situation for 20+ years and I know her background, family, and personality.

 

 

I know that you care about him, but in this case if he doesn't care about himself then you will not change anything by worrying for him.

 

I understand that his children are upset at him. If his life is so horrible with W then he should have left.

You have no idea how your life would have been with him if he had first D and then gotten together with you. Maybe he would have and maybe he wouldn't have.

 

Right now just focus on the changes you can make. Those changes are within you. Focus on that. You are not MM nurse who is trying to help him heal. Good luck

[Kamikaze]

I am focusing on me right now. Today seems better. I am keeping up my NC - hopefully I can maintain.

 

Thanks for the kind words.

[pythonshoes]

Were you always as selfish as you come across and maybe that's why communication broke down between you and your H, or did you become that way over time and out of necessity?

 

that being said if your married I am sure there is zero communication there. you seem like a self rightious christian PTA mom. how unattractive!

[Kamikaze]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[noforgiveness]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I don't think pythonshoes was talking about you...

[MOWnSouth]

I am focusing on me right now. Today seems better. I am keeping up my NC - hopefully I can maintain.

 

Thanks for the kind words.

 

I have been keeping up with this thread and there has been some great advice and points made that I too will take away. Good luck Kami! I am in a similar place and getting thru it as you are. Be strong!