Trip is now 3 weeks away - and I'm freezing up inside.

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

After 18 months of waiting and planning, my trip to see my best-friend-turned-SO is now only 3 weeks from fruition, and... I'm having feelings of incredible anxiety - to the point where I don't want to even go through with this anymore. I don't know why I'm feeling like this, unless it's the biggest case of "nerves" ever. It's been a very long time since I've seen him - and the last time that I did, it was on a simple friendship level. It's turned into more now - and for some reason I guess that I'm feeling like I'm going to do nothing but disappoint him. Stupid, huh? But... I'm sitting here thinking, "okay, I'll go see him but then I'm going to cut this off, I'm done with it, this isn't what I want for him or for me", etc.

 

I didn't talk to him today, at all - not even our usual 5 minute "check-in" - so I know he's probably wondering what's going on. If I don't check in with him tomorrow he's going to start freaking out, I know it.

 

The sad thing is that I had every opportunity to talk to him today - and I just... didn't. I didn't want to. I just didn't want to deal with it at all. I feel so damned guilty over it, but... the fact is that I just don't want to deal with him. I don't know why. I don't know what's making me feel like this.

 

So, one would say at this point, "Okay, if that's what you want to do, let him go" - and I'd normally just agree with it. There are two problems that get in the way of this, however -

 

1.) That I feel like this now - but I know I won't tomorrow, or a week from now, or a month from now, etc. I've felt like this before about him, and it's always been temporary. That I've just been going through 'a bad patch' and that it'll straighten itself out.

2.) That he'll literally fall apart if I were to back out of his life now, specifically because he's had such a hard time trusting me (or really anyone) in the past - that it'll destroy him. Quite literally.

 

I feel little bits of immaturity and the way I used to handle things with him cropping up - I'm actually semi-upset that he didn't try to leave me a message or something today to make sure that I was 'all right'. It scares me that I seem to be going backward in my thinking.

 

I am having physical health problems right now that are coloring my mental thinking - I go to the doctor next week to find out what's going on. If it's as bad as I'm thinking it might be, I may be in the hospital for some time, and it scares me. He knows a little about it, but not the full extent of what's going on. It does no good to tell him, because all he'll do is worry and beat himself up because he can't do anything to help me right now. (His words, not mine.)

 

I need him more than ever right now, truth be told... but I'm just feeling so apathetic right now, in a blue funk, and I can't seem to get out of it. One day I'm on edge about this trip and incredibly excited, the next... I don't care anymore, don't want to go, this whole thing is a hassle, etc.

 

Sorry for the long tangent here - I guess I just needed to get this out, and maybe get some opinions on how one would handle this, heh. I'm truly scared of what the doctor will say - this medical situation has been going on for much longer than a few months.

 

I need him right now. I'm just scared to tell him so.

[Keridan]

I think you should keep your plans and see him. You will feel very differently when you are face to face with him. It's hard to have something like this looming ahead. It makes you nervous and you are apt to put more pressure on it than any person can reasonably handle.

 

You even said you think this is temporary. I bet you're right.

 

By the way, never stay with someone because you are worried about hurting them. That never goes anywhere good. Just decide if you really think these feelings might be temporary.

 

If you go and it doesn't work out, you can always end it after. You aren't giving him the rest of your life by making a trip to see him.

 

I hope you feel better and have a good time

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

2.) That he'll literally fall apart if I were to back out of his life now, specifically because he's had such a hard time trusting me (or really anyone) in the past - that it'll destroy him. Quite literally.

No it won't.

 

Relationships end. You don't "die" or become "destroyed" as a person because of it. You're not Romeo and Juliet (hopefully, since they were infatuated children with no idea of actual love). Even if this dude has never been in a relationship before or has the emotional maturity of a teenager, he will get over it. Don't make ridiculous excuses to settle.

[Magpies]

NeverLetMeDownAgain, nooooo don't feel this way! You are the one that shares my similar story and I'd hate to see yours unfold this way

 

I remember you saying how no matter what, he was your best-friend first and will always have him in your life regardless! I didn't comment when you posted that at first because mine won't ... mine had outright told me that he can't ever go back. In a way, I was envying what you had with him ...

 

I'm glad you posted your thoughts here because I honestly think (after seeing the stark contrast from your previous post) that it's a bad case of cold feet! 3 weeks ago you were experiencing a bad case of extreme anxiety and now would be the time to experience the downside of it all.

 

Please remember the one fact that makes you and him different from most LDR's - that you were platonic friends first! Traveling so far away for someone you can't be with right away can seem CRAZY when you rationalize all of it but the fact of the matter is, you're already in trouble with this one! You can't just not go and all the sudden take him out of your life. You have 2-years of history. He's your best-friend.

 

I've freaked out a few times already rationalizing it all and it's normal considering how crazy I am for being in this LDR. But we try to take turns pulling each other back. It's 5 weeks more for us and so I can't even imagine how to feel when it's 3 weeks ... but just try to think positive.

 

Don't stress yourself out, and no matter what, your health is first priority. I don't know you two, but I believe in you! I not only want to, but I have to because your story was the closest to mine and if you feel even half of what I feel for mine, then I think it's pretty wonderful and most-definitely worth the hassle of taking that plane, traveling 1000000000000 miles and truly stepping into what the future has in store for the both of you ... because this thing you two started 2-years ago can't just end like this.

 

Believe

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

No it won't.

 

Relationships end. You don't "die" or become "destroyed" as a person because of it. You're not Romeo and Juliet (hopefully, since they were infatuated children with no idea of actual love). Even if this dude has never been in a relationship before or has the emotional maturity of a teenager, he will get over it. Don't make ridiculous excuses to settle.

 

He might get over it, but trust me when I say that it'll seriously hurt his ability to trust again. You do not know our history or what it's taken us to get to the point that we are.

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

I'm glad you posted your thoughts here because I honestly think (after seeing the stark contrast from your previous post) that it's a bad case of cold feet!

 

I really do think that 'cold feet' is what it is. This is my first time flying - and so far away - and I'm scared to death, literally. I couldn't even make a 90 minute run from Chicago to Pittsburgh without nearly throwing up.

 

This is exactly what I mean by being confused. The other day I'm sick with worry, thinking "You know, this is really a stupid idea" - today I'm fine with it. Not overexcited as I have been, but I'm okay with doing it, I'm preparing, etc. I've talked to him today - yes, he was worried, just like I thought he'd be. It's all okay now. I think he's getting cold feet, too.

 

It's so weird going from a friendship to a romantic thing like we have - there are elements of the friendship we had in every level, but it's... magnified. I can't explain it.

 

I'm hanging in there and counting down the days. You'll surely get an update when I see him, though I'll be disappearing for weeks afterward - too busy to be on the computer. I'm okay now. Just a nasty, nasty case of chilly feet, I think.

 

I need leg warmers! (Who'd ever thought I'd be saying that, hah!)

 

ETA: My health is definitely coming first, to the point where if I'm told I have to cancel this trip, I will. It's a possible thyroid problem, and that's just not something to screw around with.

 

ETAA: I'm sorry if my reply to you came off 'snarky', Chariot - I didn't mean it to be so. I do worry about him because of his prior history, as he's been abused quite a bit in his childhood and has extreme difficulty in trusting anybody at all. I'm the first person he's opened up to, and I can say that with all confidence because I've seen the way he acts with others - it's like night and day. This is why I honestly feel like I can't just... walk on him, you know what I'm saying, it really might have one hell of a detrimental effect.

 

Again, I apologize for sounding a bit defensive. Lots on my mind. Thanks for your response.

[Magpies]

NeverLetMeDownAgain, I'm so glad you're over the cold feet! Just think positive! (That's what I'm telling myself too.) I truly hope he's the one for you just as mine is theeeee one for me

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

Well, I may be over the cold feet portion of this, but I've received a medical update that is not positive. And let's just say that the unwavering support that I've usually gotten in the past ... has wavered.

 

I'm not speaking to him right now. I don't want to speak to him. I'm going through some very difficult medical issues, I'm most likely going to require major surgery when I get home (the only reason why I'm putting it off now is because I have to make this trip), and when I asked him if it made a difference what he thought of me, he said that "it might". After two years of telling me that it didn't.

 

I know he's being honest, but damn it, if this bothered him, why didn't he come out and just say it instead of making me think everything was okay?

 

You know... I'm convinced after reading the posts on this section of LS that the two-week time frame just before a trip to see an LDR is the most dangerous time, because that's when everything will either work out or it'll blow up in your face. Unfortunately I seem to be in the latter category.

 

He's already IM'd me today asking me to talk to him, and I have no doubt that more attempts at communication are on the way, but you know... I'm so incredibly hurt by this latest stunt that I think I'm just going to not deal with it today. This isn't something minor like "who talks to whom", this has to do with something very serious in my life, something that I thought he'd accepted about me. My health comes before any man.

 

I am hurting today. And angry.

[Catherina]

I am really sorry to hear about your health problems. I am sure that is adding so much stress to your life...

 

Are you the one who was packing and unpacking all your stuff for the trip like three weeks ago? If so, I really enjoyed reading your posts, they sounded so much like me.

 

I agree - it sounds like you have cold feet about everything. You are probably just nervous.

 

And about him being insensitive to your health issues - I don't want to be offensive, but it sounded in your earlier posts as if you were trying to talk yourself out of this trip because of your nerves. Do you think you might be reading more into his reaction than what was really there? Like, maybe you're SO scared to go that you are looking for ways to cancel, even though that's not really what you want deep down?

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

I'm sorry that I haven't been around as of late - I've had a lot to think about in the last couple of weeks.

 

The trip is on. As a matter of fact, I'm waiting for the van that'll take me to the airport right now - 2 hours from now I'll be on a plane.

 

You're right, you know - I was finding every excuse to push him away from me, and I used my health problems just as much as everything else. It doesn't matter to him - he's stated that over and over again, he's saying it to me right now as I type this (we're talking over IM, heh).

 

I'm ready for whatever comes along.

 

Thanks to this entire forum for... well, putting up with my craziness over the last couple of months! This time tomorrow I'll be with him... and I'll be happy, I'm sure of it.

 

I'll update everyone when I return. Please wish me a safe flight - I'm more scared of the plane trip than anything.