Issues family nightmare How do u deal w/this

[callied]

My relatives are the relentless gossip mongers. They are jealous and very manipulative. To my face, they seem caring and concerned but I later find out they've used what I've told them in confidence against me to try to hurt me. They won't tell me what they're thinking to my face or to my father (they are his relatives). Instead they go behind my back and tell close family friends so they know their hurtful remarks/gossiping will get back to me. The saddest part is my father doesn't see this in his family, and it's really hurting and I'm not sure how to deal with this.

I can't even tell my father personal things because he ends up telling the stepmother, who is close w/ the relatives and it always gets back to them. It's never-ending drama. I'm thinking the safest way to protect myself is just cut them out of my life and only deal with them at weddings and funerals...I want peace and tranquility and having them in my life is too much drama. Should I also cut off family friends who are close to them--I recently found out that a family friend whom I confided in for years was actually acting as a liasion btwn me and them, helping spread the gossip.---I've stopped calling her for good because she was definitely fueling the fire, and I can't trust her anymore. Any advice on how to feel whole again and stop the gossip would be appreciated.

(Sidenote: Last year, I took a major stand against these "relatives" and decided to stop the drama before it went too far on my wedding day--two of them were acting like complete drama queens after I asked them to be bridesmaids--first they showed no interest by not returning calls, then they tried to upstage my bridal party dinner by inviting total strangers and making me and rest of party wait for their friends' arrival, talking over me and purposely ignoring me at the table etc. The final straw was when one of these "bridesmaid" family members didn't order her bridesmaid dress by the deadline--she was then dismissed from taking part in the wedding--I know that was the right decision, but I can see they won't let me live it down)

[vintagecat]

It might be time for you to get less involved with your family. Families are groups of people that you are born into (obviously) and it's simply a matter of luck whether yours is healthy, loving and supportive or not. You could stay in there fighting a lifelong useless battle to create a better family but that really only works in the movies. Every family member is a free agent and you will find most resist change to a familiar dynamic.

 

So what's a girl to do? Choose. Choose your friends, choose reliable confidants and people who will support you and that you in turn will support and be trustworthy towards. Choose how much information you give these people in your family that are misusing your trust. Choose how much time to spend with them and when.

 

No need to perpetuate drama by "cutting them off". If they even notice, it will just be more gossip fodder. Simply withdraw quietly, become less dependent on their approval, less available to control and create some emotional distance for your own good. If that means weddings and funerals, which is what it has meant for me, then find a way to adjust to that.

 

It's sad to finally realize that the people that raised you or were raised with you don't actually care about you in the way that you would like to be cared for but that is a fact that many of us have had to face that have come from dysfunctional or merely cold detached families. It might get better, it might get worse over time but the only thing you can control is your input into the situation.

 

While this isn't actually healthy interaction, you could make a game of it and tell one of them sometime ridiculously outrageous to the point of complete unbelievability in confidence just to stir the pot but be prepared for it to be firmly believed and passed on for generations in family lore. Do it enough and you will become the family "liar" which will be another point of gossip. Very likely they wouldn't get the fact that you are making sport of their compulsive gossiping. But it's still fun to think of the possibilities rather than carry them out.

 

Good luck to you. You just have to care for yourself and find other soul mates to be your chosen family in lieu of the one you were born into.

[Ronni_W]

Too bad we can't pick our family, huh?

 

Yes, I would say that it will be in your own best interest to stop associating with people you don't trust and with people who don't know how to show you love and respect. As Vintage says, you can accomplish that by distancing yourself emotionally. Although sometimes a physical distancing is also necessary. You don't have to 'broadcast' what you are doing, just do it quietly to minimize the fuss and bother with which you may have to deal.

 

Your father can't see what you are going through because he has a life-long history with this type of behaviour -- to him it likely has become 'normal'. You place an extra burden on yourself if you do not also allow for the dynamics that have always existed between your dad and his family of origin.

 

Your 'side note' isn't actually pertinent to the larger issue. As a bride, you made a decision that you thought was best for you and your (future) husband. You likely already knew (or ought to have known) that there would be negative fallout from your family. Their reaction doesn't matter because, as you say, you did the right thing for yourself. It is time to accept the decision that you made about your own wedding. Forgive yourself (if that is needed); find peace about it within yourself.

 

Best of luck - it isn't easy to just disconnect from family, no matter how much we dislike how they're treating us. If you find it really difficult, you may want to consider hiring a therapist to help you through it.

[Curmudgeon]

Extinguish them!

 

It's just like robbing a fire of oxygen. It perishes. When you extinguish a person or persons you don't say a thing to them about it. You simply stop feeding them. You don't initiate contact, you don't tell them anything about what's going on in your life. You don't react to anything they say to, do to or tell you. That means minimal response. you can acknowledge that you heard them but that's all. Believe me, it will drive them crazy(er). In the end you'll be off their "list."

 

If you do this, be prepared for them to talk smack about you for awhile. However, if that elicits no reaction from you, in time it won't be fun or stimulating anymore and they'll have to go elsewhere to satisfy their need for and find drama in their lives, not to mention a new target!

[carhill]

I call it a "silence sandwich". I serve it ice cold

[Curmudgeon]

I call it a "silence sandwich". I serve it ice cold

 

Excellent name and properly served!

[GPFan]

Extinguish them!

 

It's just like robbing a fire of oxygen. It perishes. When you extinguish a person or persons you don't say a thing to them about it. You simply stop feeding them. You don't initiate contact, you don't tell them anything about what's going on in your life. You don't react to anything they say to, do to or tell you. That means minimal response. you can acknowledge that you heard them but that's all. Believe me, it will drive them crazy(er). In the end you'll be off their "list."

 

If you do this, be prepared for them to talk smack about you for awhile. However, if that elicits no reaction from you, in time it won't be fun or stimulating anymore and they'll have to go elsewhere to satisfy their need for and find drama in their lives, not to mention a new target!

 

Perfect. I have nothing to add except be good to yourself and take care.

[callied]

Thanks for the feedback to everyone. That silence sandwich is a great concept....I recently got a call from a distant relative who never even had my cell number!--they played up that they were trying to reach me for something innocent but they were really calling to find out my schedule etc so stepmother would know when I would be around my family home (she has her own apt. nearby and another residence hours away; I moved out of state but I still consider my "family home" my home; it's where i grew up since a teenager with my deceased mom etc. Dad has been travelling on business for weeks and stepmom seems to want to live in my family home with me when she knows my dad isn't there and that i'm on limited time. Also we were never close, so why would she want to stay with me when she has her own apt? My relatives are in cahoots with her and have rallied around her and isolated me even though I'm blood.

What really irks me is that since I've gotten married and have returned to my family home for the first time in months, stepmother has moved and touched everything in my family home , including my personal and professional stuff. It's like she's getting ready to rid the house of my stuff so she can make space for her stuff (in legal papers, my dad is leaving family home to me when he passes she knows this as she signed a pre nup) Although I live out of state, I return to my family home every few months and still have all my main belongings there and crave space and privacy especially from this woman who is sharing my private life with my father's nasty relatives.

Any advice would help.