Married and troubled

[Mike74]

Well first off this is my first post.. so hello to anyone who reads it. Also I will apologize now for rambling on and on, but my mind it seems, is spinning out of control.

 

A little background first of all. I've been with my wife for 10 years now, and married for 7 of those years. When we first met we had a long distance relationship for about 2 years, then lived together about a year before we married. We were both pretty much right out of college and trying to start careers, so we kept busy with just doing that. It seems now that there was so much going on that it wasn't until years later I think we both came to realize we don't enjoy doing the same things. We do have things in common. We would have never gotten together if that weren't the case, but hobby type things, and interests are 180 degrees different. Everything from just simple things like what tv we like to going on vacation. I'm more a homebody who hates flying, she loves to travel.

 

It's these differences that, to me at least, have caused us to grow apart. Anyone who has been with someone that long knows it's the fun little things you share as a couple that help to keep your relationship alive.

 

So here now is my dilema. Which of course invloves another woman. First off let me say that nothing has happened in anyway with this other person. Honestly as far as I know she has not the slightest interest in me, other than our current casual friendship. This is more a cheating in my mind issue. Though not even physically really. This other woman literally, enjoys doing everything I do. Talking to her is almost surreal. I have only gotten to know this woman in the last few weeks through work, and it's something I've never even considered before. My thoughts are so conflicted. I think about her, and my thoughts aren't of touching her, they're of talking to her. We literally finish each others sentences. I know sometimes I must get this kind of dazed look on my face.

 

The saying goes that opposites attract, but does it last? Is it better to be with some one you can easilly relate to, instead of always trying to figure out?

 

I have no expectation to believe that anything would ever happen with this other person. It's just that now I'm confused as to wether or not I should be considering it at all.

[Tony T]

It doesn't sound like you and your wife grew apart...the two of you were always apart. Make a highly accurate appraisal of your marriage and if after talking to each other you do not feel it can generate into a more mature and happy situation then get a divorce. Be sure you are divorced and free to roam before approaching other women and then getting into a circumstance you may regret all your days.

 

Don't stay in a marriage that is not fulfilling and is likely to cause you heartache and pain in the future.

[ricardotorero]

Did you know of your "differences" prior to meeting this woman, as if not it is possible that you are subconsiously trying to justify the relationship. You probably need to read a bit on emotional affairs and how you cannot compare the LT relationship to the affair.

On a second note I have read recently that sharing the same interests is not a key factor in a relationship working, but that shared personality characteristics is much more important.

[Ronni_W]

Hey Mike, and welcome to LS!

 

EEK! You are now where I was 10 years ago. I recall it as a time where I felt all dazed and confused, and as if I was 'rambling' incessantly -- even when I may not have been doing that, in reality.

 

Lemme answer the easy question first. Yes, "opposites attract" -- but it is of a more subtle 'emotional energy dynamic' (for lack of better way to explain.) When we get into an "opposites attracting" relationship, it is (subconsciously) to discover or resolve some internal thing about our self...a hidden, positive quality or a traumatic (unhealed) emotional memory.

 

The new lady is reflecting more of who you truly are TODAY, and/or who you want to become. Your wife used to do that, but isn't doing it any more. At least, not to the extent that she used to.

That's because YOU have changed, are changing and will continue to change -- until your externals are more in line with your internal (True) self. What you're experiencing is a 'self' issue, not a fault/flaw in your wife (though I get that you're not saying that it is.)

 

There is no easy, clear-cut, happy-ending "solution", I'm sorry to tell you. Even if you never see or speak with the new lady again, you current knowledge that there are 'inner things' that need your attention will propel you forward.

 

So...you can choose to look at the new lady as a 'messenger' and nothing more. That's not easy because it all feels so Fate-driven and "right" and like a soul-mate thing (at least, it did in my case.)

 

Regardless, I'd suggest that you try to make decisions about your marriage AS IF the new lady did not exist. I'd also suggest that you not make your own life any more complicated by engaging in a sexual union with the new lady -- it will also make it easier to discuss with your spouse, who will be sufficiently confused and surprised without having to deal with any infidelity issues on top of it.

 

My question to myself was, "Do I want to be married to the person with whom I now am? Am I seeing that this relationship will continue to help me be who I am...and who I want to become?"

 

In the end, do what feels in your best interest to do -- your mental, emotional and spiritual Self, that is -- and do it in the best and kindest way possible under the circumstances, for all concerned.

 

Wishing for you all the physical and non-physical Clarity, Guidance, Support and Wisdom that you will need.

[Mike74]

I just have to say that just getting any feedback at all is great. This is something that has been weighing me down mentally, and it's nice to hear thoughts on the subject.

 

I've read the responses and I've realized a few things. Firstly, that it is more about what I want in a relationship that has changed, and not that my wife and I are so different. I thought about when we first met and how I was then.

 

I liked having my space and doing my own thing. So really even though there were several differences. I liked the idea that she had her own thing, I had mine, and together we our couple things that we did together.

 

So now, for what ever reason, I want to share the things I like with some one. I want to be with some one who gets excited about the things I get excited about. There is a world of difference between a person who truly is into something, and someone who does something just to make some one else happy. I think it's great that people will do things to make their spouses happy even if it's something they don't want to do, but anyone who's been there knows it's infinitely better when they are excited as you.

 

My wife is the perfect woman for who I was 10 years ago. Recently in the last several months I have asked her to do things with me more. Things I would normally do with other friends, and she isn't interested. It's like I went out of my way to find someone who has no interest in my hobbies on purpose just so she wouldn't interfere with " my " time. At least that's it seems to me now, and of course then it seemed like I had the best of both worlds. My time for me, and time together. Now I don't want so much time for me.

 

One of the people responding said something about maybe I was trying to justify it to my self to convince me it was ok. Maybe that is part of it. What I do know is that it isn't about sex or any physical need I have. It's a psychological, mental, emotional, etc. need I have to be with some one who just understands me. Some one who relates to the person I am now.

[sfsassy]

I just have to say that just getting any feedback at all is great. This is something that has been weighing me down mentally, and it's nice to hear thoughts on the subject.

 

I've read the responses and I've realized a few things. Firstly, that it is more about what I want in a relationship that has changed, and not that my wife and I are so different. I thought about when we first met and how I was then.

 

I liked having my space and doing my own thing. So really even though there were several differences. I liked the idea that she had her own thing, I had mine, and together we our couple things that we did together.

 

So now, for what ever reason, I want to share the things I like with some one. I want to be with some one who gets excited about the things I get excited about. There is a world of difference between a person who truly is into something, and someone who does something just to make some one else happy. I think it's great that people will do things to make their spouses happy even if it's something they don't want to do, but anyone who's been there knows it's infinitely better when they are excited as you.

 

My wife is the perfect woman for who I was 10 years ago. Recently in the last several months I have asked her to do things with me more. Things I would normally do with other friends, and she isn't interested. It's like I went out of my way to find someone who has no interest in my hobbies on purpose just so she wouldn't interfere with " my " time. At least that's it seems to me now, and of course then it seemed like I had the best of both worlds. My time for me, and time together. Now I don't want so much time for me.

 

One of the people responding said something about maybe I was trying to justify it to my self to convince me it was ok. Maybe that is part of it. What I do know is that it isn't about sex or any physical need I have. It's a psychological, mental, emotional, etc. need I have to be with some one who just understands me. Some one who relates to the person I am now.

So do you want the OW as a really good friend, or are you hot for her? This is a legitimate queston. I had two exes who loved hikinig. Due to my physical limitations I can't hike. They both had female friends who had the same interest I didn't mind at all, since I wanted them to have fun. However, when one of my exes started counting emotionally on one of his female friends, more than he was counting on me, I got peeved. And yes, it was a contributing factor in our breakup. (Though I don't believe it was a PA, or that he thought of it as a EA.)'

 

Have you tried learning about your wife's interests? Have you tried sharing your excitement about your interests with her? I know one thing that one of my hiking exes did was when he would hike, he would tell me all about it afterwards When he went to the Grand Canyon, he even made a topographical map. (sp, I know!) that he shared with me after he got back. It made me feel I had gone, and kept me in the loop and helped me share in his excitement Another of my exes was into science, and they have a science musum here. Even though it wasn't the most fun activity for me, I had fun exploring it with him, because of his excitement. On the other hand this guy took me to a computer show once. He left me to my own devices while he just went off with his nerdy friends and talked operating systems. No thought was given to how I might be included (and it was a first date, lol.) You have to portray excitement if you want someone to feel it.