Remember your reasons for No Contact

[kizik]

It's as simple as this:

 

I'm not giving you one more chance to hurt me.

 

Every time I called and you complained at me, then got mad at me when you didn't like something I said, when I was only trying to help...

 

Every time I had to ask for more affection...

 

Every time you picked at me for little things, from the way I popped my car's trunk (!) to not liking a band you liked...

 

Every time you said you thought we weren't right for each other, that it shouldn't be this much work, that we're different people...

 

And every time I spent time with you while you ignored me for your family. Every time we sat in bitter, angry silence at opposite ends of the couch.

 

You hurt me, and I let you hurt me because I would disrespect myself just to be with you. I made you the center of my world and sacrificed all of my being. I should have said, "If you don't want me around, I'm gone." Instead I stayed and took all your abuse, and you just kept the abuse coming and I kept taking it.

 

But I haven't begged you. I'm not calling you. I'm not writing you. For once I am going to stand up for myself, and you know how? Silence. No more contact. My silence means that you are not worth my words. My silence means that I've had too much of you and there's nothing about you that would make my life better.

 

I'm getting to see how strong I am. I do not need you for anything anymore. I know that you don't need me either. Well, you never did - you just used me. You used me to feed your ego and to have someone to complain to. I will not let you use me any more.

 

Silence speaks volumes. I refuse to contact you, ever again, in my entire life. That is a promise.

[kizik]

BTW, you're a pain in the as*. I do not envy the next person who you end up with. You're like a child who has to be babysat. Getting involved with you is getting involved with a whole mess of emotional problems and selfishness. You're never going to be able to make a man feel special, and you pushed away the person who cared most for you, because you feared abandonment and wanted to be in control of the abandonment you always assumed would happen. You have daddy issues, and, well, you're a bitch and I dodged a serious bullet.

 

I should be celebrating!

[inulg]

BTW, you're a pain in the as*. I do not envy the next person who you end up with. You're like a child who has to be babysat. Getting involved with you is getting involved with a whole mess of emotional problems and selfishness. You're never going to be able to make a man feel special, and you pushed away the person who cared most for you, because you feared abandonment and wanted to be in control of the abandonment you always assumed would happen. You have daddy issues, and, well, you're a bitch and I dodged a serious bullet.

 

I should be celebrating!

 

yay!! i wish i could remember all the above youve said, but i'm stupid and think he still cares.... lol which he doesnt!! arrghh

 

how many days of NC has it been for you?

[kizik]

I don't count anymore, and I don't think anyone here should either. It just focuses you on that person more, which you shouldn't be doing.

 

Counting NC days is really arbitrary. What we should be focusing on is, Do I feel any better today? Why? What activites and/or realizations have made me feel a bit better?

[motive2002]

I don't count anymore, and I don't think anyone here should either. It just focuses you on that person more, which you shouldn't be doing.

 

Counting NC days is really arbitrary. What we should be focusing on is, Do I feel any better today? Why? What activites and/or realizations have made me feel a bit better?

 

Just so happens I remember the date.. so it's simple math from there.

I did forget which weekend she has her daughter, and which ones she didn't. That actually helped.

[inulg]

I don't count anymore, and I don't think anyone here should either. It just focuses you on that person more, which you shouldn't be doing.

 

Counting NC days is really arbitrary. What we should be focusing on is, Do I feel any better today? Why? What activites and/or realizations have made me feel a bit better?

 

aww... yeah i agree, its just for me... lol it hasnt gone more than a week without me succombing to something... lol however for my EX, hes had no problem (mostly because he's immature, and doesnt know how to deal with his anger in a responsible kind of way)

 

but if you've gone more than a few weeks, i agree, there is no need to keep track.

[kizik]

I did forget which weekend she has her daughter, and which ones she didn't. That actually helped.

 

Nice... the more you can forget about / not know about the person, the better.

 

Anyway, I think the main point of this thread is that you can't get hurt further if you don't allow yourself to.

[justaman99]

 

Every time I called and you complained at me, then got mad at me when you didn't like something I said, when I was only trying to help...

 

Every time you picked at me for little things, from the way I popped my car's trunk (!) to not liking a band you liked...

 

Every time you said you thought we weren't right for each other, that it shouldn't be this much work, that we're different people...

 

And every time I spent time with you while you ignored me for your family. Every time we sat in bitter, angry silence at opposite ends of the couch.

 

You hurt me, and I let you hurt me because I would disrespect myself just to be with you. I made you the center of my world and sacrificed all of my being. I should have said, "If you don't want me around, I'm gone." Instead I stayed and took all your abuse, and you just kept the abuse coming and I kept taking it.

 

Man we did date the same girl and we both behaved the same way in the relationship. I swear I read my whole ex story right here. Complaining about how you popped the trunk?!?! Man I dealt with the same kind of bull****. And I also took her bad words and belittling remarks when i was only trying to help as well.. When my exs family was in during the holidays she never invited me over to their gatherings until she would call at like 11pm at night and say, hey want to come by? I would say ummmm, well if it was 6 o'clock when you went there for dinner I would but not now. When I brought it up to her later she said some BS that they're a very relaxed and last minute family when they do things. ugh, what a crock. Strange....

[orangehose]

A timely thread for me - though I'm now over 2 months NC, I still find myself entertaining (albeit momentarily) the ridiculous proposition of contacting him.

 

I kind of dislike that fear of pain / being hurt is still my main reason for NC though. I haven't contacted my ex since the moment of breakup, and have to assume from his silence that he's had no second thoughts and has nothing to say that wouldn't hurt me. But I'd rather indifference was my reason for NC.

 

It also bothers me that I'm never going to be able to let my ex know that his way of breaking up with me and his post-breakup behavior were relatively crappy in the spectrum of things. I wonder if NC is just letting him get away with bad behavior. But then, we're not supposed to let them know that we care about anything they do. Blah.

[northstar1]

A timely thread for me - though I'm now over 2 months NC, I still find myself entertaining (albeit momentarily) the ridiculous proposition of contacting him.

 

I kind of dislike that fear of pain / being hurt is still my main reason for NC though. I haven't contacted my ex since the moment of breakup, and have to assume from his silence that he's had no second thoughts and has nothing to say that wouldn't hurt me. But I'd rather indifference was my reason for NC.

 

It also bothers me that I'm never going to be able to let my ex know that his way of breaking up with me and his post-breakup behavior were relatively crappy in the spectrum of things. I wonder if NC is just letting him get away with bad behavior. But then, we're not supposed to let them know that we care about anything they do. Blah.

It's like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

 

You want to get in touch to at least keep some tie to them, so they don't forget about you, but contacting them just ends up bringing back up all the old feelings/pain.

[orangehose]

It's like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

 

You want to get in touch to at least keep some tie to them, so they don't forget about you, but contacting them just ends up bringing back up all the old feelings/pain.

 

 

Yes, exactly. It also scares me to hear talk about how any contact, even years from now, could bring you back to square one. I mean, I'd hate to think that say, 5 years from now, I'd be too scared of pain / being brought back to square one to contact him. I'd like to think I'd be over it by then, and just wouldn't care either way.

[kizik]

It scares me to hear talk about how any contact, even years from now, could bring you back to square one. I mean, I'd hate to think that say, 5 years from now, I'd be too scared of pain / being brought back to square one to contact him. I'd like to think I'd be over it by then, and just wouldn't care either way.

 

I don't think this is true. People are extreme on LoveShack about No Contact. NC is what you have to do until you get over that person. Simple as that. Once you're over them, contact is harmless, as you've moved on and no longer want that person back.

 

During the first few months of a breakup, contact breeds hope for reconciliation... but once both parties have fully absorbed the loss, contact should not, theoretically, harm anyone.

[shadowsfall]

Unbelievable post Kizik, I cannot believe how similar our stories really are. It's like i'm reading a post about my ex. She used to verbally abuse me about every little thing. One time I sliced a pizza incorrectly on accident and we almost broke up over it. She also told me that she thought we weren't right for eachother because of the constant arguing and was quick to point out how different we were. Like you I too had to ask for more contact and affection constantly. There are hundreds of these incidents to remind us why we should no longer subject ourself to the emotional anguish we endured with these lunatics. Stay strong and remember that these types of people will only bring negativity into our lives and attempt to inhibit us from living a fulfilling life.

[kizik]

Unbelievable post Kizik, I cannot believe how similar our stories really are. It's like i'm reading a post about my ex. She used to verbally abuse me about every little thing. One time I sliced a pizza incorrectly on accident and we almost broke up over it. She also told me that she thought we weren't right for eachother because of the constant arguing and was quick to point out how different we were. Like you I too had to ask for more contact and affection constantly. There are hundreds of these incidents to remind us why we should no longer subject ourself to the emotional anguish we endured with these lunatics. Stay strong and remember that these types of people will only bring negativity into our lives and attempt to inhibit us from living a fulfilling life.

 

SF,

 

so glad to know that people such as yourself understand. Thanks for reading, for caring. What a weight off our shoulders, huh? Though it doesn't feel like that at first.

 

I'm approaching the 2 month mark post breakup, and can't wait for time to pass. In the meantime, between bugging my few friends to hang out, I need to learn to really appreciate my own company. I've been overextending myself and it's causing me to lose self-esteem. One needs a period of alone time to regather before heading out into the world.

[northstar1]

Yes, exactly. It also scares me to hear talk about how any contact, even years from now, could bring you back to square one. I mean, I'd hate to think that say, 5 years from now, I'd be too scared of pain / being brought back to square one to contact him. I'd like to think I'd be over it by then, and just wouldn't care either way.

 

I think after a period of time, you do move on and it can be safe to have contact again. Each person's time is different. I know that I can talk to ex's from 5 years ago with no bitterness or emotions, rather just a cordial indifference.

[mistie03]

I wish I could go NC.

 

It would be so much better.

 

I woke up this morning to my cell phone ringing. It was him saying he needed to drop by and get something that he had stored here.

 

When he got here, he treated me like a business associate. WTF? We were together for almost 8 years.

 

He came to the door and said, "I'll meet you around back." He loaded his stuff (including a gas grill from my patio that he bought for us to cook out together).

 

I went back inside and saw him drive away without a word. He called my cell phone and said, "Thanks".

 

I'd rather have NC than this!!!

 

He obviously could care less and is totally unaffected by our r/s ending. I need time to move on.

[kizik]

That's awful.

 

Do yourself a favor and make sure he has all his stuff, and you have yours. That way, there are no excuses to contact each other, and you can finally say, "I don't ever have to / want to see you again."

 

Then you can begin to heal.

[dazed.1]

Wow, that is exactly right! I'll be reading this post everyday, it gives me such strength to keep up my NC. YOU ROCK OP!

[Nevermind]

One week of NC. Wooohooo!

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

I'm getting to see how strong I am. I do not need you for anything anymore.

 

I was extremely sceptical of NC initially, and probably for the first 2 months of actually doing it. It felt counter intuitive. At first the silence was defening, I was counting the days, waiting for him to see his mistake. But after the 9 week mark I stopped counting, stopped waiting. I think it was necessary for me to see life without him, and that I could survive without him.

 

I suppose I was lucky in that my ex has made no effort to contact me. He fell off the face of the earth. I don't have to ignore him.

 

The last few days have been an eye opener for me in how strong I have become. I am in a much better headspace, and if he called today, it would be 50:50 if I'd even pick up the phone. I'm in a much better place because of NC. It took a long time for the hope to die, and if I had been in contact with him, I'm not sure if it would have.

[northstar1]

I'm getting to see how strong I am. I do not need you for anything anymore.

 

I was extremely sceptical of NC initially, and probably for the first 2 months of actually doing it. It felt counter intuitive. At first the silence was defening, I was counting the days, waiting for him to see his mistake. But after the 9 week mark I stopped counting, stopped waiting. I think it was necessary for me to see life without him, and that I could survive without him.

 

I suppose I was lucky in that my ex has made no effort to contact me. He fell off the face of the earth. I don't have to ignore him.

 

The last few days have been an eye opener for me in how strong I have become. I am in a much better headspace, and if he called today, it would be 50:50 if I'd even pick up the phone. I'm in a much better place because of NC. It took a long time for the hope to die, and if I had been in contact with him, I'm not sure if it would have.

 

That's fanatastic. Congrats on your progess

Im still in the initial few weeks, so it's really hard not to keep checking email, hoping for something. Afterall, how can they not miss us?

[foolednm]

Unbelievable post Kizik, I cannot believe how similar our stories really are. It's like i'm reading a post about my ex. She used to verbally abuse me about every little thing. One time I sliced a pizza incorrectly on accident and we almost broke up over it. She also told me that she thought we weren't right for eachother because of the constant arguing and was quick to point out how different we were. Like you I too had to ask for more contact and affection constantly. There are hundreds of these incidents to remind us why we should no longer subject ourself to the emotional anguish we endured with these lunatics. Stay strong and remember that these types of people will only bring negativity into our lives and attempt to inhibit us from living a fulfilling life.

 

 

Wow, did we all date the same woman? I was abused for over 8 years and now that I know that is what our relationship was, I don't want it or need it, but yet, I want her back so much. I love her, but I'm trying to hate her. I found out recently she has been seeing someone else, I drove by his house and she was there all weekend. Doesn't it just kill you when you know someone else is "having" your ex? I hate the thoughts of him hearing her voice during sex and knowing that he is having what was mine for so long. I hate the thought of her getting pleasure from someone else.

Why do I still think of this crap? Why can't I let her go? My brother said that once he knows his ex has been with someone else, he's done, no going back and it's all over with. Why can't I do that? I miss her but I know the relationship was terribly bad at times, but when it was good, man, it was so good. One of the girls I have shared everything with about this R told me that I should warn the guy that he is going to be so screwed up by her narcissistic ways and that she is just a user. He has money and she loves that. She is bad for me and I know it, but I sure do miss the other side of her, the good side. The other side is Cybil.

For those of you who don't know Cybil, it was a movie in the 70's about a woman with multiple personalities and she was quite the psycho...just like my ex.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

Afterall, how can they not miss us?

 

They probably do miss us, but that doesn't mean they'll ever call again, or if they did, what their intentions are. It's so easy to read too much into any communication. If they're not contacting you, you're lucky to be saved from that particular mind game although it hurts that bit more to start with.

 

I do sometimes wonder if i'll ever hear from him again. But he either will or won't, wondering about it achieves nothing. I try my best to concern myself with only the things I have control over right now.

[kizik]

Phoenix,

 

you sound great, you are an inspiration, thanks for being so candid and smart and honest.

 

-k

[v33]

Wow, did we all date the same woman? I was abused for over 8 years....

 

....Doesn't it just kill you when you know someone else is "having" your ex? I hate the thoughts of him hearing her voice during sex and knowing that he is having what was mine for so long. I hate the thought of her getting pleasure from someone else.

 

I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that we put of with their crap for so long, we figure we sacrificed, paid our dues, now this is the thanks we get... They go off and act like the perfect partner for someone else, give them love and sex with no strings after we had to suffer and beg and plead.