Remember your reasons for No Contact

[kizik]

after the 9 week mark I stopped counting, stopped waiting...if he called today, it would be 50:50 if I'd even pick up the phone. I'm in a much better place because of NC. It took a long time for the hope to die, and if I had been in contact with him, I'm not sure if it would have.

 

I'm at that 9 week mark now. Trying to get the hope to die. Knowing she won't be calling and I certainly won't be calling her. Understanding that too much pain has occurred and there will be no reconciliation, much less communication.

 

Thanks for this post.

[kizik]

I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that we put of with their crap for so long, we figure we sacrificed, paid our dues, now this is the thanks we get... They go off and act like the perfect partner for someone else, give them love and sex with no strings after we had to suffer and beg and plead.

 

While this may be true, I don't wanna think about that. And anyway, I got sex from my ex after only like a week or two into the R. She had just broken up with her BF. So, it goes around and comes around and we're all guilty of being someone's crutch at some point.

[LikeCharlotte]

Every time you said you thought we weren't right for each other, that it shouldn't be this much work, that we're different people...

I hated those words so much.

[kizik]

I hated those words so much.

 

Yeah, but she was right.

[LikeCharlotte]

Yeah, but she was right.

He wasn't. Not that it matters...

[kizik]

So you and he share the same interests, got along great, and had a lot of fun, all the way up till the end?

 

Yet it still ended?

[megapositive]

BTW, you're a pain in the as*. I do not envy the next person who you end up with. You're like a child who has to be babysat. Getting involved with you is getting involved with a whole mess of emotional problems and selfishness. You're never going to be able to make a man feel special, and you pushed away the person who cared most for you, because you feared abandonment and wanted to be in control of the abandonment you always assumed would happen. You have daddy issues, and, well, you're a bitch and I dodged a serious bullet.

 

I should be celebrating!

 

WOW!!! this is it! This is my situation, I'm pretty sure! His ex-wife left him after a 1.5 years for one of his best friends... And speaking of parent issues, his mother had an affair when he was an early teen that his father hasn't ever really gotten over, although she stopped it and hasn't strayed since, and they're now married for over 40 years. But I've begun wondering if he has mommy issues/women issues because of these infuences, and takes it out on me. He periodically says things like "we won't last anyway" one minute, and talks about "if we married..." the next. And if we get in an argument, he goes online and peruses dating/sex sites.

 

I'd substitute feeling like I have to babysit him with feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around him, never knowing what will set him off. But I do have to listen to his child-like rants regarding complaints about his family, friends and co-workers, which generally end in him deciding to cut them out of his life. (He forgets about that after a while, but it always comes up again.)

 

Is there any hope??

[LikeCharlotte]

So you and he share the same interests, got along great, and had a lot of fun, all the way up till the end?

 

Yet it still ended?

We had stupid little arguments and he has one major issue that was being dealt with rather well... IMHO. I guess it wasn't perfect enough or getting better as fast as he'd have liked. He got super jumpy and nervous and we were literally right at the threshold. We made it to a counselor once then he bailed. That's all I know. I think we would have made it, I mean really, actually done something great. I have no idea what happened to him. Must have all been in my head. I'll just never know or understand.

 

And yeah Kiz, we did... not every minute but yeah... right until the end. :(

[inulg]

We had stupid little arguments and he has one major issue that was being dealt with rather well... IMHO. I guess it wasn't perfect enough or getting better as fast as he'd have liked. He got super jumpy and nervous and we were literally right at the threshold. We made it to a counselor once then he bailed. That's all I know. I think we would have made it, I mean really, actually done something great. I have no idea what happened to him. Must have all been in my head. I'll just never know or understand.

 

And yeah Kiz, we did... not every minute but yeah... right until the end. :(

 

arrghh!! how long has it been since you guys broke up?

[JackhammerGemma]

How I wish there was a "Take the Plunge" pill that would help me leave my relationship and never look back. Never answer his texts or phone calls or inquiries made through mutual friends. Cold turkey is best, NC is best, but the hardest thing to do. Easy to say and hard to do. My trigger finger is broken.

[northstar1]

Well, 10 odd days into NC - I feel my resolve to not break is getting stronger, as I don't wanna let myself down and take a step backwards.

 

However, as each day goes on, I also feel disappointed that she is also not contacting me.

 

Why does it still bother me? I should be happy that it is not giving me an excuse to reply, but it also saddens me that she seems to be okay with also not get in touch.

 

Stupid or what?

[foxh1234]

NC works, plain & simple. It helped me when I did it for the first month and then I broke it. It has been 3 weeks I think this time and I will never break it again. It is the only way for me from this moment on. She is dead to me, doesn't exist. If I see her on the street, I will walk right by her. It will be hard, but I will not look at her or speak to her again. After what she did, she does not deserve to speak to me.

[northstar1]

NC works, plain & simple. It helped me when I did it for the first month and then I broke it. It has been 3 weeks I think this time and I will never break it again. It is the only way for me from this moment on. She is dead to me, doesn't exist. If I see her on the street, I will walk right by her. It will be hard, but I will not look at her or speak to her again. After what she did, she does not deserve to speak to me.

 

I totally agree Fox, esp in your situation, she is just a horrible person.

 

I don't hate my ex - but I still have to not be in touch if I ever want to move on.

[kizik]

Call me an as*hole for bumping yet another of my own threads. I only do it b/c there is good stuff here.

[tranceguy]

Dear baby jesus Kiz, your ex sounds just like mine. I will know next time to never ever touch a crazy immature girl who has daddy issues. That is possibly the worst kind of girl there is.

[Peter_pan]

well i was under alot of stress and became ocd obsessive about stuff being clean and done a particular way. (im fine now) but she used to rip it out of me for it.

 

 

and moan etc. she never helped me through it.

 

i guess she tried but it didnt work

[LikeCharlotte]

arrghh!! how long has it been since you guys broke up?

Wow, I totally missed this reply! Sorry. As of now it has been 3 months give or take a few days. I'll never understand. I just accept it because I have no choice. I'll find someone someday. It's okay.

[selena_cat]

For all of you who are striggling with NC,me being for almost 5months now i must tell you personally it will help you heal, wont help you forget but you will be more clearheaded,what has helpd me on gaining insight is reading this post on another site,from this dude call ASH!123i shouldvelooked it up,next time i will, he says that NC is another way ofbeing silent,which raises your value b/c most of your work was in the relationship waasnt it? now your work is done,also how long should you go silent?FOREVER,until the ex reaches you first ,doesnt say you should hold your breath waiting for it but your best bet is NC. So its true Kizic,u may feel people here on LS are very extreme on NC and that you said breaking it when you dont fel for them is harmless,but look at the posts i read,from folks who've heard from their exes whom they have been broken up for years,years! and they are still back to square one,not all of them but mostly,old feelings do pop up.

like my therapist says-i'm so NY starting my sentence w/the word "My Therapist"

she says that if you are recovering from addiction,alchoholism you wouldnt try to tempt yourself months later by going back to the bar? x'es are like addiction,we know they are not good for us and NC means keeping away from them which you must do for as long as it takes

Why would you keep in touch and hear they are geting married? eek! even Even if youve moved on, there will be still a wee part of you would still think why wasnt it me?

just putting my two cents if it helps any,best of luck!

[orangehose]

but look at the posts i read,from folks who've heard from their exes whom they have been broken up for years,years! and they are still back to square one,not all of them but mostly,old feelings do pop up.

 

I tentatively disagree - I think you can get to a point in which the ex doesn't mean much to you anymore, or you are aware of their faults and annoyed with them enough to not want anything to do with them.

 

I think people can run into problems when they get into another serious relationship right away to fill the void with someone who doesn't quite inspire or captivate them the way their ex did... That's when you run into these horror stories of people married for ten years to someone and then they run into their ex, they run off with them, etc etc...

 

If you hold out and wait longer, then I think someone would indeed come along who you prefer to your ex. I think there are enough people in this world that someone new will really captivate you...

[sunshinegirl]

For all of you who are striggling with NC,me being for almost 5months now i must tell you personally it will help you heal, wont help you forget but you will be more clearheaded,what has helpd me on gaining insight is reading this post on another site,from this dude call ASH!123i shouldvelooked it up,next time i will, he says that NC is another way ofbeing silent,which raises your value b/c most of your work was in the relationship waasnt it? now your work is done,also how long should you go silent?FOREVER,until the ex reaches you first ,doesnt say you should hold your breath waiting for it but your best bet is NC. So its true Kizic,u may feel people here on LS are very extreme on NC and that you said breaking it when you dont fel for them is harmless,but look at the posts i read,from folks who've heard from their exes whom they have been broken up for years,years! and they are still back to square one,not all of them but mostly,old feelings do pop up.

like my therapist says-i'm so NY starting my sentence w/the word "My Therapist"

she says that if you are recovering from addiction,alchoholism you wouldnt try to tempt yourself months later by going back to the bar? x'es are like addiction,we know they are not good for us and NC means keeping away from them which you must do for as long as it takes

Why would you keep in touch and hear they are geting married? eek! even Even if youve moved on, there will be still a wee part of you would still think why wasnt it me?

just putting my two cents if it helps any,best of luck!

 

There is wide variety in how "set back" people get by hearing news of long-ago exes. My 2005 ex got married a year and a half ago, and when I found out, sure, it gave me pause. But I wasn't devastated, I was dating THIS ex actually, and after a few days of pondering it, I moved on and forgot all about him. A couple of days ago I learned that that 2005 ex and his wife just had a baby. Again, it gave me pause for like 15 minutes, but then it passed.

 

NC is a really helpful tool in the direct aftermath of a breakup. But with enough time, I can say I've gotten over all of my exes to the point that it doesn't really set me back to see or hear about them. I am friends, true friends, with one ex - the one I dated between 2005 guy and my current ex. It took about a year of NC to get to be able to reconnect with him. Then again, ours was a very respectful and mostly mutual breakup - we knew we weren't compatible but we cared about each other as people.

[zalsa]

It's as simple as this:

 

I'm not giving you one more chance to hurt me.

 

Every time I called and you complained at me, then got mad at me when you didn't like something I said, when I was only trying to help...

 

Every time I had to ask for more affection...

 

Every time you picked at me for little things, from the way I popped my car's trunk (!) to not liking a band you liked...

 

Every time you said you thought we weren't right for each other, that it shouldn't be this much work, that we're different people...

 

And every time I spent time with you while you ignored me for your family. Every time we sat in bitter, angry silence at opposite ends of the couch.

 

You hurt me, and I let you hurt me because I would disrespect myself just to be with you. I made you the center of my world and sacrificed all of my being. I should have said, "If you don't want me around, I'm gone." Instead I stayed and took all your abuse, and you just kept the abuse coming and I kept taking it.

 

But I haven't begged you. I'm not calling you. I'm not writing you. For once I am going to stand up for myself, and you know how? Silence. No more contact. My silence means that you are not worth my words. My silence means that I've had too much of you and there's nothing about you that would make my life better.

 

I'm getting to see how strong I am. I do not need you for anything anymore. I know that you don't need me either. Well, you never did - you just used me. You used me to feed your ego and to have someone to complain to. I will not let you use me any more.

 

Silence speaks volumes. I refuse to contact you, ever again, in my entire life. That is a promise.

 

Please allow me to rewrite this part for myself:

 

I'm getting to see how strong I am. I do not need you for anything anymore. I will not run to tell you the good or the bad part of my day , I will not tell you when I am hurt or sick and hope for your care and affection, I will not look for songs for you anymore..I will not send you any more of my photos, I will not wait for you to go online, I will not get excited everytime my gmail notifier turns blue hoping that it is a mail from you, I will not check my mobile many times a day hoping for a message from you, I don't need you to spare your time for me because I know that you don't need me either. Well, you never did - you just used me. You used me to feed your ego and to have someone to talk to when you feel lonely and someone to complain to. I will not let you use me any more.

[tealeafbud]

I like that Zalsa. Nice post, thank you.