10-year Relationship On Hold Due to Young Age

[slimydog]

I've been together for about ten years with the love of my life, and recently my "now" ex-girlfriend decided that she wanted to have some space. She has clearly said (many times by the way) that this space is NOT to see other people and that she still loves me with all of her heart and soul. She's basically wanting the space because we both starting going out at a very young age. She was 15, and I was 18. She is so dear to me. She means everything to me. She really doesn't know how life is like without me. I feel the same to some degree, but I don't feel as if I need to leave the relationship to do so. She was great enough to give me enough space to live an individual life separate from the relationship. I feel that she also was given the same amount of space for her to grow as well, but I guess she didn't.

 

Of course, the breakup kills me. And that this event is a true test of faith, patience, and trust. It's really hard on me. We talk on the phone at least every other day, and I'm wondering now, if I should completely cut all ties until she comes back to me ready, or if I should have some type of communication with her during the break. I always need to have the assurance that she is not going to see other people, and that she is not asking for the space to test the waters. I have never cheated on her, and I have no interest in seeing myself with anyone else. She has told me that she feels the same way. This totally sounds like that one Donell Jones song, "Where I Wanna Be" (except for the lust part).

 

I'm not worried about infidelity. I'm really worried about her losing love for me during this break. I mean, I'm not really going to be able to see her that often, if anything. I know that I will not be wandering and seeing other people, but I'm not sure if she will be able to keep her love for me, if there is a huge decline in communication from this break. She is 25, and I'm 28 now. We both have our busy schedules, but we have always made our best efforts to communicate and see each other as much as possible. We do not have a long-distance relationship. We live only about 30 minutes from each other. I'm just scared that she might not even want to come back or lose love for me.

 

She is all the woman I need. And I know that I am all the man she needs. She just honestly hasn't experienced how it is to be a grown adult (fully independent) without me. I understand what she is doing, but I can't help but feel hurt and insecure about our future. She's told me over and over, "I'm coming back. Don't worry. You're the only man in my life. I want to be your wife." I have assured her with the same stuff also. So, am I just overreacting? Or should I honestly start considering the worst? We have always been viewed as a great couple and that we have been viewed as "being married" by married people.

 

I have a ring for her when she comes back. I'm happy that she is doing this now, rather than during an engagement or a marriage, but again, I feel so insecure. How long will this take? Will this be better when she does come back? I'm too scared.

[slimydog]

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

[superd]

Maybe I sound insecure but space is bad. It is a sign of trouble to come. In my life I look to my parents as a model because they have always been good, practical and moral people. The hours they are away from each other at work is usually enough for them. Sometimes my mom goes out with the people from work, sometimes my dad goes to the pool or the beach by himself, but most of the time they are together and they hardly ever get sick of each other. Why? They love each other and are not fooled by the "greener on the other side" myth. It is the fantasy that is drawing your girlfriend away or it could be another man that is offering her interesting ideas or whatever. If the good stuff is at home, why does she need to roam and why did she wait ten years, that seems to be confusing to me. Girls start getting that exploratory desire at 22 the latest. You have to ask yourself what is going on in your relationship to sow the seeds of destruction. Are you being faithfull yourself, did you get caught looking at things you shouldn't have? From my experience, I notice that females are very reluctant to do anything bad unless their partner does it first and then they use that as kind of a permission as lousy as that sounds because girl logic is its own unique strange thing. So give her the space but when she comes back it seems that you both have some serious things to talk out.

[turtle]

Why would she need space? Independence? Sounds a little sketchy to me. If she wants space, give it to her. Don't call or see her at all till she comes begging for you to return. If you guys are such a perfect couple, then why the temporary break-up? Doesn't make sense to me.

 

Perhaps you need to test the waters. 10 years? How do you know the relationship is good unless you've been with other women? Maybe you two just got too comfortable with each other.

[superd]

This sounds nasty but testing the waters will probably mean death to your relationship. I have seen it happen a couple of times before.

[Curt]

It's my opinion that the desire of partners to have "space" after a long stretch can happen for any number of (or all) the following reasons:

 

1. To have time to assess the "real" quality and emotional/physical/psychological reciprocity of the relationship. In other words, to see if you both meet each other's personal (even intimate) needs and desires, and to determine if you have (as a couple) what it takes to stand the hard testing that time deals out.

 

2. To assess what one wants and needs from life, as far as education, personal accomplishments, etc. are concerned, and to decide whether their long-term relationship fits into the picture. Sometimes, personal goals for career, family, etc. are completely incompatible with the life that one's partner desires. If I want to go teach the orphans in Central Africa, and a partner of mine wants to sell mutual funds on Wall Street, then clearly our life goals are incompatible. Even if we would give our lives to spare the other, we have a need for different life accomplishments which are incompatible overall.

 

3. To pursue the business of an "unexplored" relationship with another person who may have always held a certain fascination, etc. Sometimes there is that one person that we just cannot forget, that invades our thought processes at the most inexplicable junctures. Sometimes, people just can't refuse themselves the desire to see where a relationship with that person could have gone.

 

The most extreme case of this of course, is if the mystery person has been tugging at heart strings, deepening this curiosity to the point where things have been put asunder.

 

However, my personal guess as far as your situation is concerned, is probably this one...

 

4. To take a "break" from the "stresses" of longterm, everyday "coupledom". Being with the same person, their needs, their desires, etc., day after day (especially since your teens for 10 years, without ever having seen things from a "Single adult"angle) can become monotonous. Your experiences with others as individuals have been rare to non-existant. At some point in a situation like this, one would have expected one of you to have gotten that "wanderin' feeling". You were both very very young...and you are right...she has never seen adult life without you. She is probably curious to find it ... may have nothing to do with a love interest.

 

Whether or not this will mean curtains is entirely dependent on how you both act and react to the situation. It's clear from your post that you are talking to her at fairly regular intervals. You say that you need consistent assurances from her that "she is not "seeing others". You are worried that she may fall out of love with you over time if the distance continues.

 

I have a couple of questions:

 

1. Who is making the initial phone contacts (are you or is she, or is it a one day you will, and the next time she will situation) ?

 

2. Do you honestly feel that, if she does love you as much as you seem to believe, that a bit of distance will erode what you have?

 

If you truly are in love with this young woman, the distance will eventually become as unbearable for her as it is for you. BUT, you must give things time.

 

Perhaps you shouldn't call her for a bit (notice I'm assuming something here which may not be true ... correct me if so), and see if she makes the same effort to contact you.

 

Fact is, as you stated, both of you got together very, very young. You need to give her time, or you will regret it in the end ... you may feel that you are all the man she needs, but until she can feel that things are going the way she wants them to proceed for the future, that will mean very little to her. Sorry to put it that bluntly, but better you consider these things now.

 

If you love someone, then set them free. If they come back, they'll be yours forever. If not...they never were yours to start with.

 

OH, and for Pete sake, HOLD ON TO THE RING!!! Even if she comes back tomorrow, don't spring it on her immediately. IT would be a bad move in my estimation.

 

All the best,

 

Curt

[jalexy]

yeah, i think it cant be a good thing. if you are so happy together, why does she want to know what life is like without you? arent you supposed to NOT want to know what life is like with the special someone in your life? I am sorry,,,best of luck to you

[superd]

I don't know, maybe her fear is of getting serious, 10 years is a damn long time, presenting the ring will let you know if you should keep going or move on once and for all. If you always put your needs on the backburner, then instead of a life full of happiness it will be a life full of kissing ass.

[slimydog]

Thanks for all of the replies!

 

To provide some more details, I have been totally faithful to her in this relationship. Of course, there have been many times that I have looked at other women, and even had opportunities away from work to be unfaithful, but I have never acted on any urges at all. I guess I may be really old-fashioned in that sense, but my ex is just the one for me. I was wondering if we were both getting too comfortable with each other, but I'm not too sure. We have always loved spending time with each other every single day. There are times where we have both allowed a girls' night out and a guys' night out. We have busy schedules, so a good part of the weekday gives us some space to grow individually as well. I don't know. I appreciate all of your replies!

[slimydog]

I did some research over the past week, and I found out that my ex was seeing another guy for about a month before we broke up! This guy works with her at work also! I can't get into details of how I found out, but I once I did find out, I did some more research to find where he lived. I went to his house at around 3 am in the morning (minutes after I finalized my assumptions), and asked him some questions.

 

I don't know this guy at all, and he does not know me either! I asked him how he felt about my ex, and I asked how far their affair has gone physically. He said that they were seeing each other for about a month before me and my ex broke up, and that all they have done was kissed. After I left his house, I went to my ex's house, and I busted her also like at 4am.

 

I asked her the same type of questions to her, and she pretty much came up with the same answers. I was very calm about the situation and was respectful to both this new guy and my ex-girlfriend. They were both stunned and were like, "How did you find out about this?" The new guy also was like, "How did you find out where I live?" I am not telling anybody.

 

Anyways, now that I know that something has being going on, I needed to know (from my ex-gf) why she never communicated this to me before hand, and why she couldn't come to me with any mixed feelings before doing anything with this guy. I mean, 10 YRS! I figured that she would at least confront me with any weird emotions or any issues that she had in the relationship, so I could either work on any changes that I needed to do, or if I had no chance of making the relationship work.

 

Instead, she went behind my back and had this affair. Even though they say that they weren't intimate, I can't trust anything that they say now. It just kills me that my ex-gf for 10yrs could be so cold and manipulating. My whole family is totally surprised. Her family is surprised. She was came off during the whole 10 yrs, like she was straight-laced and so strong.

 

Anyways, after I busted her and this new guy, she asked me, "So what's gonna happen?" And I mentioned that we need to reconcile all of our differences and get back together. I told her that she has to stop seeing this guy and cut all ties with this guy. She was like, "I don't know." And I was like, "WHAT!?!" That really showed me that she was really falling out-of-love for me. That really pissed me off, because we could have talked about any issues before any of this crap happened. She said that she was feeling the urge to have some space for the past five months, but she was afraid to hurt my feelings. She also said that she didn't intend to see anyone.

 

I told her that I don't want to send her any e-mails, call her, or even see her. I also mentioned that I don't want her to contact me in any way. I said that I only want to hear from her when she is ready to either come back or finalize a breakup. I have a secret timeframe that I kept in my mind to where as, if she doesn't contact me by then, then it is really over. If she want to come back to me, I told her that we need to get together and talk about all of our issues. I will not ask her about what she has done with this new guy. However, just because she is willing to come back to me, I told her that I cannot guarantee that I am willing to let her back in.

 

It is just so disappointing that some of the most influencial 10yrs of my life have been totally wasted. I basically spent my 20s with her. Given that she earlier mentioned that she will come back to me (from the first message) and that her own mother said that my-ex said that she will come back to me, what do you think could be her real intentions?

 

Do you think that she has basically planned to come back to me after having this fling with this guy?

 

Do you think that she is just too afraid to hurt my feelings, if she is really interested in continuing a relationship with this new guy?

 

Or will she come back naturally from either missing me, or if the guy f@#s up and says or does something stupid during this space?

 

Any and all suggestions or comments are VERY welcome. Thanks!

[Curt]

Originally posted by slimydog

 

I did some research... I can't get into details of how I found out...I did some more research to find where he lived. I went to his house at around 3 am in the morning (minutes after I finalized my assumptions), and asked him some questions.

Yikes ... I don't like the sound of all that "research" ... but anyways ...

He said that they were seeing each other for about a month before me and my ex broke up

OK ... so it sounds like I was actually on the mark with #3 in my previous post ... fair enuf.

I went to my ex's house, and I busted her also like at 4am.

OOOOOOOOOOOOK ... a LITTLE extreme dude, but...

I was very calm about the situation and was respectful to both this new guy and my ex-girlfriend. They were both stunned and were like, "How did you find out about this?" The new guy also was like, "How did you find out where I live?" I am not telling anybody.

OOOOOh brother ... you were CALM, huh. And respectful even ? At 3 and 4 AM in the morning you're on these people's doorsteps being calm and respectful ... and the cops were never involved ? I appreciate that you were probably respectful, but stunned would only have been one of the emotions I would have had at that time in the morning, if I faced a similar situation.

Anyways, after I busted her and this new guy, she asked me, "So what's gonna happen?" And I mentioned that we need to reconcile all of our differences and get back together. I told her that she has to stop seeing this guy and cut all ties with this guy. She was like, "I don't know." And I was like, "WHAT!?!"

Well my man, the "I don't know" says it all. I honestly am shocked though. That you even tried the "break all ties with him" thing amazes me. She has been unfaithful behind your back. She would be soooo out of my life if I had found all this out.

She said that she was feeling the urge to have some space for the past five months, but she was afraid to hurt my feelings. She also said that she didn't intend to see anyone.

Now, does this little response sound as silly to anyone else as it does to me? She didn't intend to see anyone ... just wanted space for 5 months ... hilarious.

I told her that I don't want to send her any e-mails, call her, or even see her. I also mentioned that I don't want her to contact me in any way. I said that I only want to hear from her when she is ready to either come back or finalize a breakup.

Good for you. That shows that you found your backbone.

I have a secret timeframe that I kept in my mind to where as, if she doesn't contact me by then, then it is really over.

Timeframe? Simple timeframe here is all that is needed. She's gone. Tell her to call, but only to arrange a time to come get her stuff. Do it some time this week. If there's a problem with the time, get her to call you to arrange another time to drop by. If not, it's all in the dumpster by Friday at 12:00 PM. (IF LEGALITIES EXIST WHICH PREVENT DOING SO, PLEASE DISREGARD THIS ADVICE PLEASE) LOL

It is just so disappointing that some of the most influencial 10yrs of my life have been totally wasted. I basically spent my 20s with her.

You're young. Like you said before, better you found this out now. Oh, and return the ring now if possible.

Given that she earlier mentioned that she will come back to me (from the first message) and that her own mother said that my-ex said that she will come back to me, what do you think could be her real intentions?

Do you think that she has basically planned to come back to me after having this fling with this guy?

My opinion is that her plan was simple;

 

1. Get her freedom. She was bored. Wanted to see if there was life out there. She found it.

 

2. After meeting this guy, see how life and love felt with him.

 

3. Two Alternatives Existed:

 

PLAN A:

 

If she liked what he had to offer, say goodbye you. You lose, new dude wins.

 

PLAN B:

 

Now, if it fell apart with new dude, and she was broken and battered over it, then she would see if you were soft enough to let her back in after at least a month (or more) of infidelity. You lose, as you are now with a woman you cannot really trust. She wins, you've always been faithful.

 

4. Life continues with guy she chose.

 

Notice something? It's the classic win-win situation for her. And hey..only one person loses. Pretty sweet, huh?

 

Do you think that she is just too afraid to hurt my feelings, if she is really interested in continuing a relationship with this new guy?

 

I thought infidelity of a partner WAS hurtful to the n'th degree.

 

Did she think of you when she met this new partner for herself ?

 

Did she say to herself, "I have to break up with ____ before this goes any further ?"

 

Hmmm ... OK, Let's be kind. Let's say she was apparently "undecided" as to what to tell you (if anything, ever).

 

Who dedicates their life to someone who cheats on them ?

Or will she come back naturally from either missing me, or if the guy f@#s up and says or does something stupid during this space?

For your sake, I hope that by that time, it will all be academic, as you will have moved on, and be with some loving, loyal, personally committed young woman who would never dream of cheating on you.

 

Hope she enjoys her space. Dude, YOU enjoy yours too, ok?

[slimydog]

Thanks for the advice! I totally agree with what you have been saying. She was the last person in my life who would ever be so manipulating. I know that once a few weeks or months go by, she is totally going to regret what she is doing. I don't think that she is that cold enough to totally throw away 10 years of good strong love within a few months.

 

It's just sad that we were so close to getting married and having a wonderful family. It's just a sad situation.

[superd]

My only question now is can you ever trust her again now that she has been unfaithfull. I think you should cut her loose, spend time healing your wounds and then find another woman, who is more serious about you, marriage and life. Look not with regret towards those years you spent with her but look at it as a time that made you the strong person you are today. Unless the world has gone completely to pot, I know there is a woman out there that you can find that will be loyal and that won't do you dirty like that.