Why would a woman who didn't put out be shocked if she was cheated on?

[mental_traveller]

The flip side of this is, is it okay if a woman cheats if her SO doesn't provide her with a highly romantic, consistently validating relationship?

 

My take is that there's never a justification for cheating. Walk.

 

Walking is obviously best. However, it's just as bad for a guy - once the woman has *told* him several times he isn't meeting her emotional needs - to ignore that, as it is for a woman not to put out all the time when the guy has told her he needs that. Each is as bad as the other.

[PandorasBox]

Walking is obviously best. However, it's just as bad for a guy - once the woman has *told* him several times he isn't meeting her emotional needs - to ignore that, as it is for a woman not to put out all the time when the guy has told her he needs that. Each is as bad as the other.

 

 

I think thats what most people are saying. Its on BOTH of them, not just one. The one not getting any sex will blame the other person and not see that they might be part of the reason why that is. I didn't say it was right. The same for the other spouse. Its like a game, so if two people are not mature enough to communicate to each other what they want/need from each other and the relationship and actually do it, then yeah walk.

[angie2443]

On a differant note, why do so many people assume that just because someone doesn't want to have sex with their partner, they are withholding sex as if it were some kind of game? Sex is something to be enjoyed between people, not something you owe someone. This is kind of like saying that a wife/husband doesn't laugh at their partners lame jokes (assuming the jokes are lame) then they are withholding their laughter as some kind of punishment. If the connection with a partner is tainted then how can sex be enjoyed. If sex can't be enjoyed, then why is the partner who doesn't want sex seen as withholding it from their wife/husband?

[carhill]

Sex means different things to different people.

 

I can use myself as an extreme example. I see sex as an expression of my love and emotional connection to my wife. She sees it as something to satisfy her horniness. Fundamental incompatibility, unless we otherwise have a mutually satisfying relationship outside the bedroom. I call this the gender-reversal theory.

 

With a man who just wanted sex to satisfy himself and didn't care about all that other stuff, she'd be the perfect partner. Anytime, anywhere, no emotional connection required or desired.

 

None of this is right nor wrong. No one is "better" than anyone else. It's simply being incompatible. In a sense, I can understand the perspective of the women who don't feel sexual with their "distant" husbands. This is something I've worked real hard on in MC, and will be trying the "fake it until you make it" approach to see if I can alter my basic psychology to regain intimacy. Have the women had any luck with this?

 

Adding, also, since, stereotypically, men tend to be the "initiators" of sexual activity, it is IMO more difficult to alter one's desire pathways when having to assume the active role rather than the passive one. Say, for example, if my wife was always the aggressor (she's not), it would be easier for me to "give in". But, having to ratchet up a desire I don't particularly feel, and then take overt steps to pursue sexual intimacy, IMO creates a much higher psychological burden. Opinions?

[Taramere]

On a differant note, why do so many people assume that just because someone doesn't want to have sex with their partner, they are withholding sex as if it were some kind of game? Sex is something to be enjoyed between people, not something you owe someone. This is kind of like saying that a wife/husband doesn't laugh at their partners lame jokes (assuming the jokes are lame) then they are withholding their laughter as some kind of punishment. If the connection with a partner is tainted then how can sex be enjoyed. If sex can't be enjoyed, then why is the partner who doesn't want sex seen as withholding it from their wife/husband?

 

Totally.

 

No doubt some people do with-hold sex/validation/affection as a means of trying to exert control in a relationship. I would think that the more a person is inclined to employ these tactics themselves the more likely it is that they'll assume others operate in similar ways.

[Trialbyfire]

Walking is obviously best. However, it's just as bad for a guy - once the woman has *told* him several times he isn't meeting her emotional needs - to ignore that, as it is for a woman not to put out all the time when the guy has told her he needs that. Each is as bad as the other.

In either case, there's no excuse for cheating.

[MrsHellnofires]

i guess first we'd have to understand "why" she is not putting out. but im guessing the man just wanted the easy quick sex and when it is unobtainable, he gives up and goes out for some strange. marriage isnt easy, so one cannot think there are easy fixes either. if all else fails, i can see the temptation and need. but there are just too many men that cheat regardless, then excuse their behavior later by blaming it on the wife.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Relationship 101...

 

1) If your not getting your sexual quota or quality and you and your partner is unwilling to compromise. End the relationship and move on. No need to give the dumped reason for why they are unwilling to work with you. Each one needs to take responsibility for THEIR relationship.

 

2) If you know the person is not going to give it up before marriage and you want it...Move on to greener pastures, you will be doing yourself and them a favor.

 

3) If there is a sudden drop in the quality or quantity of sex...Find out what is wrong. If it is a genuine medical condition, this is where love will prove itself and something has to be arranged. There are a lot of understandable partners who can accept an open relationship when the sex well runs dry. Take the husband who was getting money for his wife's nymphomania...Granted they were TOTALLY wrong for making a profit off of her high sex drive, but his being open to allow his wife to have strictly sexual partners in some places is seen commendable.

 

4) While I never, ever agree with holding sex as a leverage, if their is an issue that persists, it would behoove that person to find out what it is, make the necessary repentance and move on. Like this one episode of Dahma and Greg...Greg's parents were hotly mad each other and were still having mad, passionate sex. When confronted their response was..."Why should our bodies suffer for what our minds are mad about?" I thought it was great.

 

But, like so many said, there is no excuse for cheating, it is just like saying because she was drunk and touching me all over, I shouldn't be charged with rape. As Judge David Young would say, "Its wrong! Its wrong! Its wrong! Did I say it was wrong?"

 

 

DNR