Is this normal behavior for the dumper

[Simon Leon]

My wife did the "walk away wife" thing on me 6 wks ago. Been together over 10yrs. I did the crying, begging, pleading thing...and she then wanted a seperation. The more I pushed...the more she pulled away. We quickly went to a situation of being almost unable to speak to each other because of the tension.

 

After about 4 weeks of doing all the wrong things, I feel I put so much pressure on her that she ended up telling me that her decision is to get a seperation...and that she wouldn't be moving back home. I feel that she may have gone in that direction because I was pressuring her into getting back together straight away.

2 weeks later, after a lot of soul searching, meditation and reading everything I could find on breakups and whats on this LS board, I kinda resigned myself to the fact that this is probably going to end in divorce. It is the opinion of many on this board that once your wife leaves, it's not ever going to be the same...and that as much as you want them to come back, they rarely ever do....and for everyone's benifit, you should just start moving on.

So I started doing just that, mentallly getting myself to accept that this is over and start looking after myself.

 

I'm in a much better emotional place and am really starting to find my true self again.

 

I'm living our nice house by myself. We still have all finances in joint accounts. Both very responsible so there are no concerns about excessive spending.

 

I told her via e-mail that I love her very much and want her to be happy. If she really wants a seperation, I will respect her decision and will work with her to make the process as amacable as possible. I don't want to donate any money to any laywers.

 

Now when she comes over to get the bills, paychecks etc, we are now getting on and talking better then we have in a long time. Today we just sat and talked for about 3 hrs and enjoyed each others company.

 

I'm planning on taking an extended vacation (adventure) to Nepal in about 80 days, and she is offering to help cover the costs of the trip since it is something I've always wanted to do. She is the main breadwinner.

 

Although she is not living in the house, she is totally wanting to continue to help pay for the mortgage and all bills including all my living expenses, clothes...everything. I told her that this could easily take 6mths to 1yr to work through any seperation process in California...expecially if involves having to sell our house in this real estate market.

She is basically couch surfing with some of our friends...and I'm in the position of living it up as a single guy in our house.

 

She is bending over backwards to make the situation for me as good as possible.

 

I don't really understand why she is being so accomodating.

 

I was planning on going NC for a while to help us both focus on ourselves for a while...but I'm wondering if we should just carry on the way we are currently.....only seeing each other about once a week (and a couple of e-mails).

 

And by the way....she is commenting on how good I look.

[Peter_pan]

sounds like she cares for you very much. i would say your doing very well man.

 

i would keep it kool like you are doing and see how it goes. if it needs to go in to NC to help you heal at any stage should it get hard then thats the decision you will have to make for you

[Simon Leon]

I'm sure she does care for me very much. But care is not going to get this relationship back together. Somehow....she needs to fall for me again.

 

I kinda stoped showing her enough affection at about yr 8. We have always gotten along great...but she said it was turning platonic.

 

I never really put the effort into getting the passion back into the marrage....but I guess that is a 2 way street.

 

It's too easy to get caught up in the daily grind of work, chores, commuting. You come home late, eat dinner, watch the news and go to bed. Before you know it ...the romance has dissapeared out of your relationship.

 

For the first time ...today she said she is not telling her friends much about the split, because she dosn't really know where this is headed.

 

I didn't say anything and am trying to play it cool. But not too cool....I gotta through in a lot of kindness and respect in there as well.

[Peter_pan]

ok well from what she has said and from what i can gather it sounds like she is willing to consider being with you again

 

make her feel special, do something that will bring you close together or something thoughtful that she will enjoy

 

yes your right it is very easy to get caught up in the mundane rituals of normal living.

 

it will be tough but i think you will make it bud. good luck

[OceanBlue]

From the other side...it may be that she thinks you have accepted her decision. That may be why she feels comfortable talking/hanging out with you.

 

Generally, the 'dumper' has worked through most of the emotional pain long before they even voice their desire to end the M. She is likely way ahead of you in the healing process.

 

As for why she is continuing to support you, there could be a number of reasons. The first that I think of is she is feeling guilt. She knows this isn't what you want, and she feels bad for hurting you. Second, if she is the major breadwinner, she may believe that she'll have to support you anyway.

 

But maybe I'm wrong...I've never understood leaving before exhausting all possibility of reconciling. Have you tried counseling?

[Simon Leon]

We went to one session of couples counceling. She stated that she is wanting to concentrate on herself....not of fixing us. The counceler said that we wern't ready for couples therapy.

 

She is continueing to do individual counceling.

 

I wasn't getting anything out of individual therapy. They kept trying to blame everything on my childhood....or the role my parents marrage had on molding how I acted in my marrage.

Our problem was a communication problem (or lack of communication). It had nothing to do with my childhood.We didn't address our issues and I just swept them under the rug. If she didn't bring it up again .....I just assumed that there was nothing wrong. That lump under the rug ended up tripping us up.

 

I feel that we are still very close. I still would class her as my best friend. I would like to think she thinks that way of me also.

 

You are probably right that she just feels more comfortable now that I have started moving on and accepting that the seperation is imminent.

 

That said, I am experiencing a major change in my life for the better and it can't help but show. I am not going back to being the person I was 6 weeks ago. That guy is dead.....(and so he should be). The new self I am discovering is going to be a lot more wiser and have a whole different set of priorities in life moving forward.

It will take time to get through this.....but I am going to just take baby steps....eventually I will end up somewhere else. I plan on it being better then where I came from.

[dead-dyke]

Regret? Guilt? Tough to call. I wouldn't know what to make of it.

[Simon Leon]

I don't know what to make of it either.

 

I would have thought that after she had left...she would be looking out for number one.

 

But she's not. She is trying to help me out in everyway possible. Offering to come and clean the house, get me a cleaner to help out, do my ironing, give me her BMW and she will drive my old truck.

 

I don't want any of this. I can look after myself and keep all our affairs in order.

 

Just some background....

I emigrated to the USA to marry her 11yrs ago. I left all my friends and family behind to come and be with her. That was a big sacrifice for me. Maybe she feels guilty that after I gave up so much...it didn't work out.

[dead-dyke]

I hope it's rather the regret and pride of admitting her mistake rather than guilt because of your emigration...... Hopefully you will find out soon enough, so you are able to know what exactly to do.

 

Maybe she thinks your a mind reader. Hopefully she is only trying to edge herself back in w/ out all the fanfare. I hope you find out soon enough, though.

 

lots o' luck.

[Gunny376]

I don't know what to make of it either.

 

I would have thought that after she had left...she would be looking out for number one.

 

But she's not. She is trying to help me out in everyway possible. Offering to come and clean the house, get me a cleaner to help out, do my ironing, give me her BMW and she will drive my old truck.

 

I don't want any of this. I can look after myself and keep all our affairs in order.

 

Just some background....

I emigrated to the USA to marry her 11yrs ago. I left all my friends and family behind to come and be with her. That was a big sacrifice for me. Maybe she feels guilty that after I gave up so much...it didn't work out.

 

Dump her! Go strict no-contact! You've just fell of the face of the

Earth! You don't need her, no contact! Zilich! Nothing!

 

And, then see what happens! It won't be pretty! It won't be fun ~ because she's found herself someone "new" to have "fun"!

 

Quit fooling yourself! She "Scroggin" someone new!

 

All the crap she's doing is to alievate her guilt for doing so!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dump her! Go strict no-contact! You've just fell of the face of the

Earth! You don't need her, no contact! Zilich! Nothing!

 

And, then see what happens! It won't be pretty! It won't be fun ~ because she's found herself someone "new" to have "fun"!

 

Quit fooling yourself! She "Scroggin" someone new!

 

All the crap she's doing is to alievate her guilt for doing so!

 

I'm riding with gunny on this one. It does sound like guilt.

 

You know what I would do. I would break the bank until I couldnt get anything anymore. she's the primary breadwinner, she wants to run away, she gots to pay, simple as that. lol.

 

on the reals you shouldnt be taking anything from her. Do a 180 and lets see what happens. You dont need her money or her gratitude.

 

I think she probably wants to come back personally but doesnt know how.

 

She probably doesnt want to eat crow and admit what she did was wrong. alot of women cant apologize for stupidity and men too. lol.

 

Why dont you ask her to go with you. make it be the either first new vacation or the last vacation you have together.

 

What do you want?

[WTFOVERMAN]

I know guilt is a powerful beast and will make one do some out of character things. I noticed my stbxw pushing more friends on me and being open to me doing anything that I wanted outside of the house (other than OW).

 

I knew the Marriage was done at that point but what else can you do. Once you walk out, the door automatically closes and the one who wanted it wins.

 

ACT like a hurt puppy and get your ducks in a row...take what you can get and dont look back. She wont!

[Simon Leon]

Guys tend to be black and white.

Women seem to be a lot more grey.

 

Who know what the f*** she is thinking. I certainly don't.

 

I'm not going to ask. Those conversations always seem to end up pushing her away more.

 

I really think this is a very very stupid decision on her part. We had such a good situation going .....and she goes and f***s it all up.

 

As you can probably tell.....today is a bad day.

[ilmw]

Guys tend to be black and white.

Women seem to be a lot more grey.

 

Who know what the f*** she is thinking. I certainly don't.

 

I'm not going to ask. Those conversations always seem to end up pushing her away more.

 

I really think this is a very very stupid decision on her part. We had such a good situation going .....and she goes and f***s it all up.

 

As you can probably tell.....today is a bad day.

 

Yeah... don't try and figure it out.... cause you will just drive yourself nuts!

 

Stop worrying about it.. (easer said than done... I Know) but you have to start... so start now.

 

and for having bad days... yup, they will happen... and happen lots. But.... they get fewer and fewer...

 

and... Gunny has gotten it pretty much right with my situ.... He reads it pretty well.... good guy to listen too... as well as so many folks on here.. You came to the right spot..

 

Stay strong... you will survive...

 

ilmw

[TrustInYourself]

Guys tend to be black and white.

Women seem to be a lot more grey.

 

Who know what the f*** she is thinking. I certainly don't.

 

I'm not going to ask. Those conversations always seem to end up pushing her away more.

 

I really think this is a very very stupid decision on her part. We had such a good situation going .....and she goes and f***s it all up.

 

As you can probably tell.....today is a bad day.

 

Hell yes, they see in grey. They think that after running off to pursue the fantasy and fairy tale, if it doesn't work out, by some miracle they will have another chance with us! The people they think they are leaving behind.

 

Sorry, you're not leaving me behind. Once you leave, I'm leaving you behind.

 

Booyah, male power! haha.

[Simon Leon]

It would be interesting to see what would happen if I turned the tables on this situation....that is ....if I were the one to file the seperation papers.

 

That would be like saying...."you left.....now stay the f**k away".

[Chrome Barracuda]

...What if you did turn the tables???

 

What would happen if you went NC?

 

did a 180 and started dating someone else. Moving along in Getting a life and self growth.

 

Why not stop thinking about her and start planting seeds to live for yourself in the future.

[Simon Leon]

I am going to try NC as much as I can (considering the fact that we still need to be in some sort of contact because of the logistics of our finances).

 

I also think dating after only 7 wks of seperation after a 10 yr marrage is probably a bit soon. I would like to think that I can mentally handle moving on that quickly .....but that isn't going to be that easy.

 

Also...I'm 39 and I havn't had to ask a woman out on a date for quite some time. It's going to be a bit odd.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I am going to try NC as much as I can (considering the fact that we still need to be in some sort of contact because of the logistics of our finances).

 

I also think dating after only 7 wks of seperation after a 10 yr marrage is probably a bit soon. I would like to think that I can mentally handle moving on that quickly .....but that isn't going to be that easy.

 

Also...I'm 39 and I havn't had to ask a woman out on a date for quite some time. It's going to be a bit odd.

 

Finances could be taken care of through emails. You dont need to talk to her. Like I said if it's not important there's no need to talk about it. Email.

 

7 weeks is fine. If she's not coming back, you shouldnt be holding yourself back from moving on. You should be getting your feet wet. lol.

 

If your in shape and 39 years old women will approach you if your confident enough. Asking a woman out on a date isnt hard. I wish I was more financially able to take them out on a date. For me the problem is not getting the number it's the taking them out and spending for me!

 

I'm not used to paying for everything but when i make enough to do so. I will.

 

Go get some.

[Simon Leon]

I'm in great shape....not quite an underwear model...but pretty close.

 

I think I've currently got way too much baggage to start dating yet. I still have my ex in my head about 95% of the time (that is pretty much constantly throughout the entire day...every day).

 

I'm still having trouble considering her to be my ex....still in denial I think. Still thinking of "we"....instead of "I".