A little bump in the road

[Kyle]

I am a college student currently involved in a really awesome relationship of four months. We have expressed feelings for eachother that neither of us have felt before. We have only had a couple of arguements between us, mostly based on my jealousy issues. There is one thing that I wanted to ask the love shack readers. First, the only time we share intimate moments is when we have been drinking. They are uncomparable to anything I have ever had, but they seem to be few and far between. I care for her and love her a lot. I have approached her before, but she grew very upset, and I dropped it. What should I do?

[Leeza]

Both of you may be embarrassed to have intimate moments together sober, so you two have to drink in order to share those moments. You need to talk to her and ask her how she feels about you: Is she ready to be intimate w/you without being under the influence? If not, she is too insecure or afraid. The relationship will not last if this is the case. You two cannot go on drinkin' and lovin'. Maybe take her to the mountains or a lake or park and sl ow ly get intimate. Kiss her, hug her. Ask her when she's ready. If she still shies from you or hits the party scene instead, you're better off finding a sober chick who's into you and can kiss without a Zima in her hand......

I am a college student currently involved in a really awesome relationship of four months. We have expressed feelings for eachother that neither of us have felt before. We have only had a couple of arguements between us, mostly based on my jealousy issues. There is one thing that I wanted to ask the love shack readers. First, the only time we share intimate moments is when we have been drinking. They are uncomparable to anything I have ever had, but they seem to be few and far between. I care for her and love her a lot. I have approached her before, but she grew very upset, and I dropped it. What should I do?

[Shirley]

I am a college student currently involved in a really awesome relationship of four months. We have expressed feelings for eachother that neither of us have felt before. We have only had a couple of arguements between us, mostly based on my jealousy issues. There is one thing that I wanted to ask the love shack readers. First, the only time we share intimate moments is when we have been drinking. They are uncomparable to anything I have ever had, but they seem to be few and far between. I care for her and love her a lot. I have approached her before, but she grew very upset, and I dropped it. What should I do?

Hi!

 

Letting your passions run free is not the same as being intimate. Intimacy involves being close, and sharing your feelings with one another. And it's very hard to do that if you are drunk. If you loved this woman, then you wouldn't just drop it when she gets upset. You would want to try to comfort her. Her feelings would be just as important to you as your own feelings are.

[Kyle]

I just wanted to give a little bit more background with my situation. I should have been more specific when relating to our intimate moments. We are best friends as well as lovers. We have had endless conversations of our future, and she has made it strictly clear to me that I am "one in a million" and "so perfect for her". We are so close, it makes it hard for me to only become sexually intimate with her after we have gone out for the evening. I have a box full of cards and letters she has sent me and it just confuses me what she may be thinking. I appreciate all the imput so far, and look foward to more suggestions you may have.

[Margaret]

Kyle: Just for clarification purposes, when you said in your first posting that when you have tried to approach her, she becomes upset, do you mean that you've asked her why she will only allow intimacy after drinking? Does she say anything before you drop the issue? It sounds as if you two have a loving relationship overall, but I wonder whether somewhere along the line she has learned that intimacy is "bad" or something that she should avoid.

 

Has she had boyfriends before you? Has she been intimate with anyone in the past? Was she raised in a religious home in which pre-marital sex was considered a sin? If she has not had experience with physical intimacy in the past and/or was taught to believe that sex is something that should only occur in the context of marriage, this could likely explain her behavior. She loves you and wants to be intimate with you, but either is nervous because of little or no experience, or feels guilty about it, thus allowing her to only be comfortable enough when her inhibitions are down (i.e., after drinking).

 

I also wonder if there is something else about her or her past that is causing her distress about being intimate. Perhaps she has self-esteem issues, either related to her physical appearance without clothes (very common for women) or performance anxiety, both of which would likely appease some under the influence of alcohol. Last, I also wonder if perhaps there was an incident in her past that she is afraid to talk about (sexual abuse or the like).

 

It is clear that there is a high degree of anxiety on her part related to physical intimacy, that I believe has nothing to do with you or your relationship. If your communication is as good overall as you say, try again to talk to her. Reassure her that you love her and want a future with her; that you want to be able to share everything. If she still becomes upset or won't discuss it, then I would be patient for a while. Support her and don't press the issue (as hard as I know it will be). Eventually, things will have to change, but hopefully it will be at her will. Good luck to you.

I just wanted to give a little bit more background with my situation. I should have been more specific when relating to our intimate moments. We are best friends as well as lovers. We have had endless conversations of our future, and she has made it strictly clear to me that I am "one in a million" and "so perfect for her". We are so close, it makes it hard for me to only become sexually intimate with her after we have gone out for the evening. I have a box full of cards and letters she has sent me and it just confuses me what she may be thinking. I appreciate all the imput so far, and look foward to more suggestions you may have.