parents done approve of relationship

[redgnome]

i am in my late 20s and a few years ago came out to my parents. at the same time i told them i was dating someone who was older than me with kids. she had been married before coming out. we both were friends for a long time before we started a relationship and came out.

 

my parents still refuse to accept the relationship or me coming out to the rest of the family. they say if i was with another person they would accept this, but i am unconvinced, and really upset.

 

has anyone had trouble with their parents accepting their partners? what did you do?

[Ronni_W]

Perhaps your parents are not being 100% honest with themselves? Perhaps it is your sexual orientation with which they TRULY have the issue, and it is just so much easier to put it on your partner than come across as if they do not love/accept you?

 

If it is a genuine case of them just not caring for the person you're dating, ultimately, they will have to choose if they can/want to live with the consequence of their 'feelings' about her, and nonacceptance of YOUR choice to be with her.

 

My suggestion would be to let them know, kindly and lovingly, what your consequences would be. Help them understand that THEIR nonacceptance will no doubt affect the fabric of your relationship with them, and be as specific as you can about how the 'new' relationship will look.

 

Good luck.

[redgnome]

thanks for your reply. my parents say they are "100% fine" with my sexuality, and we dont need to really talk about it (??). they say if i was with someone "more like me" "my own age" etc....they would be more than willing to welcome them.

 

bottom line is that i cant know which is the driving force here. and i also dont want to choose a partner based on what is more comfortable for them.

 

its hard to know how to be gentle and loving but also let them know how serious this is. we've been dating for 3 years.

[Ronni_W]

its hard to know how to be gentle and loving but also let them know how serious this is. we've been dating for 3 years.

Just a suggestion:

Mom & Dad, I know that you love me and want what's best for me. I love and appreciate you so much for that. The thing is that I also need you to start accepting the choices that I make as an adult -- about my career, faith, interests & hobbies, friends...and especially about <partner's name>.

I know you're just concerned that I'll get hurt. The thing is that I am prepared to take that risk because <all the good stuff you enjoy in the relationship>. If it ever does end, I'd love to know that I can count on your being there to help me get through it.

 

The other part is, I don't think it's necessary for our relationship to change just because I am with <partner's name>. Because honestly, I foresee that we'll become emotionally distant...how can I keep the same feelings when you object to someone who makes me so happy; who is such a HUGE part of my life? How can I want to spend as much time with you knowing that, if she's here, you're all uncomfortable? And how can I not want to also spend holidays and important family events with her?

 

Oops...that went longer than I originally anticipated. But hope it helps. You're setting your boundaries and consequences by asking them questions -- their own 'answers', whether internal or verbalized, actually let them know where YOU stand.

 

It may, of course, take a bit more time for them to get that this is serious for you, and that it is also in THEIR best interest to start accepting what is Reality for all concerned. Best of luck.

[porter218]

This probably has nothing to do with your sexuality. A lot of parents use this tactic to attempt to control their child's love life. Just stand strong about your relationship and over time they will respect the fact that you are an adult and these decisions are yours alone. Usually parents only persist with this type of control when you don't stand up for your decisions.

[blind_otter]

This probably has nothing to do with your sexuality. A lot of parents use this tactic to attempt to control their child's love life. Just stand strong about your relationship and over time they will respect the fact that you are an adult and these decisions are yours alone. Usually parents only persist with this type of control when you don't stand up for your decisions.

 

This is good advice.

 

My older sister and her husband had a somewhat similar situation - my brother in law's family did not approve of their marriage because my sister is not white - she (and I) are of mixed race. And IMO - race, like sexual orientation, is not something you can control.

 

They just went about their business. Got married, bought land, built a home, established careers, started a family. They did so without the approval of my brother in law's family, and his parents did not speak to him for years.

 

Eventually they came around - after some really atrocious and offensive behavior, I might add - but it took them 10 years to do it. During that whole time, my sister behaved with utmost class, never stooping to their level or insulting or being rude. Always being kind and polite.

 

So I think you should live your life, be happy, be nice to your parents but don't put too much stock in their opinion about your lovelife. Afterall, you are the one who lives with the consequences of your choices, not them. Eventually, they will see you being strong, self sufficient, and happy - and they will likely come around.

 

On a side note - my S/O has a child from a previous marriage. My mother (dad passed away) does not approve. She will not allow this child into her home, nor does she make any attempt to have a relationship with him. IMO that's fine, I don't really care. I just keep S/O's son away from her.

[redgnome]

thank you for your thoughtful responses. they have given me good ideas, and at least hope.

 

it is just frustrating because they believe we can continue to have a close relationship and not include that part of my life. because we dont live in the same state, i dont have the benefit of making them interact with my partner, to at least get to know her better as a person.

 

it just really kills me that my partner has become the scapegoat for so many of their feelings. she is a wonderful person, and doesnt deserve this.

[Ronni_W]

it is just frustrating because they believe we can continue to have a close relationship and not include that part of my life.

It really is up to you to help them understand that, if they do believe that, their belief is inaccurate and they need to update it.

 

Recently, I have also had to dissuade my mom of some of her wrong beliefs about me and what I am willing to put up with from her. It isn't an easy process but, in the end, it is what we need to do for ourselves.

 

it just really kills me that my partner has become the scapegoat for so many of their feelings. she is a wonderful person, and doesnt deserve this.

Again, it is about helping them see that YOU don't deserve this from them. And that, because you don't deserve it, you won't tolerate it -- without a positive action on their side, some thing(s) in your relationship with them WILL change -- that this parent-child relationship needs their compromise...not just your sacrifice.

 

Also, even though they've said they're "100% fine", if their feelings need a 'scapegoat' that may be a strong sign that they're not really. But I'm not sure there is a way to 'force' them to confront feelings that they're not ready to confront. All you can do is to let them know the consequence if they continue to ACT in the same manner.

 

Sending good wishes for an ultimately positive outcome