Will I ever be able to go out again?

[Lishy]

He did NOT dump you because you were not a musician and nor because you did not resemble a bass - Your musical attributes had nothing to do with it!

 

You have seriously got to get over this, it has been a year and is now just becoming the bane of your life!

 

The guy is a freak, you deserve so much more. You DO need help and pronto! I dont care what therapy you have had before, you need more! We only have only life Sedge, it is not a rehearsal and PLEASE do not let this lame excuse of a man ruin yours for one minute longer!!!!!!!!

[Nevermind]

 

I honest to god do believe that he dumped me because I'm not a musician. I really do. There was NOTHING ELSE going wrong! I honestly believed everything was great.

 

Yeah. So? I believed my ex loved me more than he ever loved anybody else. I believed he liked me for who I was. Look what good it did me.

It wasn't all good, or he wouldn't have left. No, this doesn't make you responsible at all, but please be open to the possibility, that a huge of your happiness was manifactured by yourself. It was not only the fact that you're not a musician. Maybe he was jealous. And I know you will protest, because his holyness would never stoop to such low levels, but you'll never know. Maybe he needed to be criticised more often. Maybe he didn't like the colour of your underwear.

 

You will never know. And it's not your fault anyway. He chose not to tell you what bothered him. Even if it had been just your profession - from your posts I get that you would have changed that, if only he had told you so.

 

(Which is not a sign of a healthy relationship.)

 

Your relationship ended because he chose not to work on it. He chose to walk instead of talking it out. He left because in the end, he didn't love you as much as you loved him.

 

It's not about the musician. I wish you would stop obsessing about it.

[sedgwick]

You DO need help and pronto! I dont care what therapy you have had before, you need more! We only have only life Sedge, it is not a rehearsal and PLEASE do not let this lame excuse of a man ruin yours for one minute longer!!!!!!!!

 

If you go back and take a look at the gazillions of posts I've made about the kind of therapy I am in NOW, and the post I made a couple of weeks ago where I've gone back into a program specifically for BPD at a research hospital, you will see that I am in therapy.

 

SERIOUSLY GUYS...I AM IN THERAPY! I KNOW I NEED THERAPY! YES I AM IN THERAPY! YES I HAVE BEEN IN THERAPY BEFORE!!!!

 

I think I'm going to start all my posts from now on with a link to my therapist's website.

 

HERE IT IS:

 

http://www.ipdp.org/

 

Please please please for the love of god infinity, can people stop telling me I need therapy?!?!?!?!?!?!?! If you continue to have any doubts whatsoever about whether or not I'm seeing a therapist and what kind of therapy it is, PLEASE go look at that website!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

And Nevermind, yes, I know I manufactured the whole thing in my mind, and that he was totally lying when he said he loved me. I know he didn't really love me at all. I get it. That's why it hurts so much.

 

And NO I WOULD NOT HAVE CHANGED MY CAREER FOR HIM!!!! Never ever ever! But I would have made sure to continue music lessons. There is a difference.

[Nevermind]

It can hurt. Be hurt. But don't obsess about the stupid reason he gave you. It's not the truth, and you know it.

 

Your obsession with not being a musician is keeping you from healing. You just said that you would not have changed your career. GOOD!

 

So, in the end - even if this would have been the reason - you were not compatible. And you need to find somebody who is.

 

edit: You are in therapy for BPD. But this is not the kind of therapy people are talking about. It's not always about a disorder. Sometimes you just need somebody to help you cope. This is what the others meant. Can't you see that?

[blind_otter]

And Nevermind, yes, I know I manufactured the whole thing in my mind, and that he was totally lying when he said he loved me. I know he didn't really love me at all. I get it. That's why it hurts so much.

 

That's some seriously black and white thinking you got going there. He either loved you completely or not at all? Wow, that makes my relationship with my mother make a lot more sense....problem is, I know that can never be the case. Human beings are rarely either/or, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

 

I've never been witness to someone who idolized their ex so much. You put him on such a pedastel....and I have to say, that is a lot to live up to, and many people would shy away from being worshipped to such an extent.

[sedgwick]

It can hurt. Be hurt. But don't obsess about the stupid reason he gave you. It's not the truth, and you know it.

 

As I have said many times before, I do very much believe that it was the truth.

[sedgwick]

That's some seriously black and white thinking you got going there. He either loved you completely or not at all? Wow, that makes my relationship with my mother make a lot more sense....problem is, I know that can never be the case. Human beings are rarely either/or, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

 

I've never been witness to someone who idolized their ex so much. You put him on such a pedastel....and I have to say, that is a lot to live up to, and many people would shy away from being worshipped to such an extent.

 

I never told him I worshipped him. I simply told him I loved him. And he used to tell me the same, even though it was a lie. The worst part is trying to figure out why he lied -- I'm assuming it was just to teach me a lesson about how I don't deserve love, to put me in my place for thinking I have anything worthwhile about me.

 

Also? It's spelled "pedestal." (Forgive me, I'm super OCD about spelling and grammar. Writer, y'know.)

[Nevermind]

So...

 

if everything was perfect, he is the best and you're only able to be happy with him ...

 

Why are you not learning the fiddle?

[sedgwick]

So...

 

if everything was perfect, he is the best and you're only able to be happy with him ...

 

Why are you not learning the fiddle?

 

From the first page of this thread, 6 responses down:

 

"If I could just find someone who would teach me to play music without laughing at me for not already knowing how, maybe I could start going out again. But I'm too intimidated by musicians to approach them now, even to offer to pay them for lessons. I used to go out and hear music all the time, but I haven't at all in the past year. I miss it, I really do."

[Nevermind]

The worst part is trying to figure out why he lied -- I'm assuming it was just to teach me a lesson about how I don't deserve love, to put me in my place for thinking I have anything worthwhile about me.

 

*sigh*

 

So now he is this cruel uber-devil who just wanted to punish you for being so unworthy? (I guess he is still perfect, though?)

 

Here are some news: people are egoistic. Nobody is with another person to punish them. Nobody is with somebody they don't think worthy of being loved.

 

This is just overly dramatic self-pity. Your better than that sedge. He left you. He is neither a saint, nor a cruel monster. He is just a jerk.

[Nevermind]

This is the lamest excuse ever. People want to make a living by teaching music. You're not going to be laughed at. If you're so afraid, then ...dare I say it...you should talk about this with a professional.

[sedgwick]

 

So now he is this cruel uber-devil who just wanted to punish you for being so unworthy? (I guess he is still perfect, though?)

 

No, absolutely not! He was just trying to teach me a lesson. I would never think of him as a "cruel uber-devil." Nor do I think of him as perfect. Just damn close!

 

I know I'm making lame excuses. I know. It's just that I am now TERRIFIED of musicians. I'm afraid I'd be the worst student they ever had and they'd talk about me to their friends behind my back. Also, I can't afford a fiddle, they're terribly expensive. But as soon as the next installment of book money comes in, I'm definitely going to look at them. In truth I'm much more interested in the banjo, but I will buy and study fiddle for him.

[Nevermind]

He wanted to teach you a lesson? Are you grateful for this? How did you deserve being taught a lesson by him?

[sedgwick]

He wanted to teach you a lesson? Are you grateful for this? How did you deserve being taught a lesson by him?

 

I am grateful that I will never try to love again. He showed me I am not worthy of that and I shouldn't bother anyone with my affections. I deserved to be taught a lesson because I thought I was smart, talented, and attractive enough to have a boyfriend. Someone had to put me in my place, y'know?

 

If you're so afraid, then ...dare I say it...you should talk about this with a professional.

 

I AM IN THERAPY! THIS MEANS I SPEAK TO A PROFESSIONAL!!! HERE AGAIN IS THE LINK TO THE PROGRAM I'M IN:

 

http://www.ipdp.org

 

You guys, PLEASE, it's not like I go to therapy and just DON'T talk about the major issue in my life.

[sunshinegirl]

Hmm. So, this is pretty much a prison of your own making, sedg. You aren't even willing to challenge your own distorted thinking here. Are you able to step outside yourself even a smidge to see a different reality? I notice you've ignored my posts pointing out that his sleeping with instruments is NOT normal behavior.

 

If your best friend were in your shoes, what would you tell her? That her negative self-talk is correct? That she's not lovable, she's unworthy, that the ex was an awesome person, she's horrible and YES musicians are the best thing ever, and YES everyone would laugh at her if she tried to learn the fiddle?

 

Come ON. Shake yourself by the shoulders!

[Nevermind]

Argh. WHY, WHY, WHY?

 

Woman! Why would you do that? Why?

 

You're not doing that for him, you're doing it to feed your obsession with being imperfect. He is out of your life, whatever you do is not for him.

 

I was just asking that in the hope of getting a rational reply.

 

and to therapy, to requote myself:

 

edit: You are in therapy for BPD. But this is not the kind of therapy people are talking about. It's not always about a disorder. Sometimes you just need somebody to help you cope. This is what the others meant. Can't you see that?

 

Someone who has had so much experience with therapy, like you, should know that there are different types for different problems. Being in a therapy to battle your disorder won't help you one bit with coping in this case. But, go on and ignore it.

[northstar1]

I am grateful that I will never try to love again. He showed me I am not worthy of that and I shouldn't bother anyone with my affections. I deserved to be taught a lesson because I thought I was smart, talented, and attractive enough to have a boyfriend. Someone had to put me in my place, y'know?

 

 

 

I AM IN THERAPY! THIS MEANS I SPEAK TO A PROFESSIONAL!!! HERE AGAIN IS THE LINK TO THE PROGRAM I'M IN:

 

http://www.ipdp.org

 

You guys, PLEASE, it's not like I go to therapy and just DON'T talk about the major issue in my life.

 

This is very self defeating. ofcouse you are deserving of love and a boyfriend. It didn't work out with ONE guy. We've all had relationships that didn't work out for one reason or another (hence why we are here).

 

But we can't keep the attitude (esp a year later) that we are not worthy of being loved.

[blind_otter]

No, absolutely not! He was just trying to teach me a lesson. I would never think of him as a "cruel uber-devil." Nor do I think of him as perfect. Just damn close!

 

That's not how your posts come across. You seem to worship the ground he walks on, with really no reason to do so. Why on earth would he take it upon himself to "teach you a lesson"? What would motivate anyone to do so? You are merely a player in his drama, not the star.

 

In truth I'm much more interested in the banjo, but I will buy and study fiddle for him.

 

So you're going to dedicate your life to someone you dated briefly?

[sedgwick]

Someone who has had so much experience with therapy, like you, should know that there are different types for different problems. Being in a therapy to battle your disorder won't help you one bit with coping in this case. But, go on and ignore it.

 

There is a post called "Has anyone ever dated or married someone with Borderline Personality Disorder," and if you click on my name and find posts by me, you'll see where I went on and on about different kinds of therapy, things I've tried, the therapy I'm in now and why I chose it, the major researchers in the field, and HOW MY BOOK IS ALL ABOUT THIS.

 

GUYS! I AM NOT STUPID! I KNOW THERE ARE DIFFERENT KINDS OF THERAPY! I AM WRITING A MEMOIR ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES THEREIN!!!!!!

 

One more time, here is a link to the kind of therapy I have currently chosen:

 

http://www.ipdp.org

 

Being in a therapy to battle your disorder won't help you one bit with coping in this case. But, go on and ignore it.

 

So going to therapy for the disorder that causes irrational thought won't help me deal with the irrational thought? Interesting. What kind of therapy should I try, then?

 

Sunshinegirl, yes, I think it was very weird that your ex slept with his parents, like I've said before in a previous post. I don't think my ex sleeping with his bass compares to a grown man sleeping with his parents. Yup, it's strange, but not strange like sleeping with your parents!

 

I am planning to eventually get to the point where I can play well enough that I can send him a recording and maybe he'll give me the time of day again. But that's such an impossible dream for me at this time. I just have to wait until I can afford a fiddle. They're really expensive, unfortunately.

[sunshinegirl]

Sunshinegirl, yes, I think it was very weird that your ex slept with his parents, like I've said before in a previous post. I don't think my ex sleeping with his bass compares to a grown man sleeping with his parents. Yup, it's strange, but not strange like sleeping with your parents!

 

Give me a ****ing break. They're both pathologically messed up behaviors. Sleeping with inanimate objects, let alone wishing you could have sex with them (did he not at one point say that?), is just as ****ed up as sleeping with one's parents.

 

Holy ****, what will it take for you to knock him off that damn pedastal?

 

Sedgwick, go back and reread your own posts from when he contacted you. You were a strong, confident woman then. You need to find and reclaim that woman.

[sedgwick]

 

Holy ****, what will it take for you to knock him off that damn pedastal?

 

Sedgwick, go back and reread your own posts from when he contacted you. You were a strong, confident woman then. You need to find and reclaim that woman.

 

Again, it's spelled PEDESTAL.

 

I did feel good when I told him to take a hike. I still do. But that doesn't change the fact that he still doesn't love me or have any respect for me, and those things still hurt. He didn't even respect me enough to begin the conversation by acknowledging that he hurt me.

[Nevermind]

Yes. I read that thread, I posted on it, too. But this is not about BPD. You can't see this, so go on and be unhappy. Just don't be so smug about it.

 

I am planning to eventually get to the point where I can play well enough that I can send him a recording and maybe he'll give me the time of day again.

 

Don't forget to add that your life is meaningless without him and you are happy to lie at his feet. Since he is going to sleep with his bass, you know.

[Nevermind]

Do you think he will find respect for you when you change who you are, just to be loved by him? What will you do if he develops a fancy for one-legged women?

[sedgwick]

Yes. I read that thread, I posted on it, too. But this is not about BPD. You can't see this, so go on and be unhappy. Just don't be so smug about it.

 

Don't forget to add that your life is meaningless without him and you are happy to lie at his feet. Since he is going to sleep with his bass, you know.

 

Can you quote your research into BPD to let me know how it is that this is not about BPD? As far as I know, these are a few of the diagnostic criteria:

 

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

3. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

 

To me, it would seem that if I could get help dealing with those things, it would help me deal with the rejection I faced and my lingering discomfort over it.

 

Given that you know so much more about my disorder and the modalities of therapy than I do, please tell me the kind of therapy I should be seeking. My therapist seems to think the issues I'm having are directly related to my BPD, but you're telling me that the disorder has nothing to do with the way I'm feeling, and that getting help with the disorder won't help the feelings. This is directly opposed to what the treatment professionals with whom I am currently working are telling me. Could you state your research and your conclusions? I am very interested to hear, since obviously I'm just writing this book out my ass and don't really know what I'm talking about.

 

My life is in no way meaningless without him. I have dance, a book, knitting, good friends, my animals -- but it seems you haven't heard that either.

[blind_otter]

So going to therapy for the disorder that causes irrational thought won't help me deal with the irrational thought? Interesting. What kind of therapy should I try, then?

 

Therapy is going to do absolutely no good if you don't challenge your own irrational thoughts outside of the therapist's office. I've been told, over and over, that 90% of therapeutic work is done by the client.