Will I ever be able to go out again?

[sedgwick]

Sunshinegirl was trying to help you...

 

Indeed. But do you guys really, truly, honest to god actually think that as someone who's spent six years reading every psychology book on the shelves, and 22 years in therapy, that it might not have ever possibly occurred to me that my family might have had something to do with this?

 

It's kind of like saying to a scientist, "Hey, I have a brilliant idea of which I'm sure you've never thought before! Do you think maybe, just maybe, that chemistry set you had as a kid might have inspired you?" I mean...it's just so laughably obvious as to be kind of insulting.

[sumdude]

Sedge, you might want to think about the fact that it's a bad idea to base your self worth or anyone else's on particular skills, talents or abilities. For so many of them will change in time and can possibly be taken away. Today your ex may be the next bass virtuoso, tomorrow there could be a freak accident involving an arm... then who would he be? He will age and his fingers won't work like they used to. What will he do then?

 

Character is what it's about... forget about what he could do... think about how he acted, how he treated you and others.

 

I've been playing guitar for 27 years. I also play the bass, piano/keyboards and drums. Way back I played clarinet and saxophone. I used to fix instruments and could get at least a scale out of almost anything. I write, record and sing my own songs sometimes playing all the instruments.

 

I say this not to brag but to say.... big effin' deal. My wife still left me..

 

...and...

 

all that and 99 cents will get me a double cheeseburger at McDonald's

 

fwiw...

 

I don't think any one instrument is inherently harder to master than another. Anyone who is a 'virtuoso' at anything (music, dance, writing, cooking, being a parent, auto repair, medicine, law.. whatever) has put insane amounts of time into it. Like Edison said "1% inspiration 99% perspiration."

 

The hardest instruments to get a decent note out of as a beginner without it sounding like nails on a chalkboard?

 

oboe, bassoon, piccolo, violin, soprano sax

[Nevermind]

Look sedge, you're either totally worthless or not. You can't claim to be the ***** in psychology AND a total loser.

 

Pick one.

[sedgwick]

oboe, bassoon, piccolo, violin, soprano sax

 

Interesting. Y'know what's crazy? I took piano lessons for 12 years -- from kindergarten through high school. And in college I used to go to the music building just to sneak into practice rooms and play the piano. But I was majoring in writing, because that was what I really loved. Plus, you can't exactly move all over the place with a piano slung over your shoulder. I'd LOVE to still have a piano, but now I'd probably be too intimidated to play it.

 

Why do you think your wife left you? I mean, you're a musician! What was her issue?

[sumdude]

So how do you get the bassist car to go faster?

 

 

....Take the pizza sign off the roof.

[sedgwick]

Interesting. Y'know what's crazy? I took piano lessons for 12 years -- from kindergarten through high school. And in college I used to go to the music building just to sneak into practice rooms and play the piano. But I was majoring in writing, because that was what I really loved. Plus, you can't exactly move all over the place with a piano slung over your shoulder. I'd LOVE to still have a piano, but now I'd probably be too intimidated to play it.

 

Why do you think your wife left you? I mean, you're a musician! What was her issue?

 

Look sedge, you're either totally worthless or not. You can't claim to be the ***** in psychology AND a total loser.

 

Pick one.

 

I can read books and research all day long, that doesn't make me worth anything. Yeah, I know a whole lot of stuff about psychology, because I study it day in and day out. But as a person? TOTAL loser. I'm just a good reader.

[iwish]

Nevermind, I'm so sorry you feel that this is just me beating myself up. I wish I could make you understand how really and truly worthless I am. If you met me, I promise you'd see, just like he did!

 

That's absolutely ridiculous! Nobody is worthless. Nothing is worthless. Everything has a purpose in this world. Even an ant. I haven't read all this thread but to say that about yourself is just silly. I don't know you but please never think you are worthless.

[sedgwick]

That's absolutely ridiculous! Nobody is worthless. Nothing is worthless. Everything has a purpose in this world. Even an ant. I haven't read all this thread but to say that about yourself is just silly. I don't know you but please never think you are worthless.

 

You guys, really, I *am*. I know you think there's no such thing as a worthless person, but you haven't met me. Just ask my ex, he'd be happy to tell you what a total piece of sh*t non-musician loser I am. I swear!!!!!

 

I don't know why you guys feel the need to insist I have worth. I AM NOT A MUSICIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I start being a fiddle player, then you can tell me I'm not worthless.

[Nevermind]

So what defines a person? Answer honestly.

 

e'd be happy to tell you what a total piece of sh*t non-musician loser I am

 

Last time I heard the story, he didn't say it this way. But keep on beating yourself.

[sedgwick]

So what defines a person? Answer honestly.

 

 

 

Last time I heard the story, he didn't say it this way. But keep on beating yourself.

 

IF. I. WERE. WORTH. ANYTHING. HE. WOULD. STILL. BE. HERE. End of story.

 

What defines a person? Um...being a sentient carbon-based life form with a biologically-based predilection for two-legged perambulation and the ability to eat with a utensil?

[iwish]

You guys, really, I *am*. I know you think there's no such thing as a worthless person, but you haven't met me. Just ask my ex, he'd be happy to tell you what a total piece of sh*t non-musician loser I am. I swear!!!!!

 

I don't know how you can all keep telling me I have any worth. I AM NOT A MUSICIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Sedg, i spoke to my ex yesterday and she said

'we can't all have what we want in this life'

I replied with 'so, what is it you want that you can't have'

She said 'Brad Pitt'!!

 

Now i'm not ****ing Brad Pitt but that doesn't make me worthless. And you not being a musician means what? bugger all.

 

There's millions of people on this planet who can't play an instrument (me being one) and they're not worthless. Look at Bill Gates, Nelson Mandela, Ghandi.. I could go on but none of them play instruments and none of them are worthless, just like you are not.

 

Brad Pitt is ****ing worthless! IMO

[sunshinegirl]

Of COURSE my parents f*cked me up -- whose didn't? That's kinda psych 101!

 

Knock off the attitude, sedg. I am trying to help. I don't know you from adam, and you've never once mentioned your parents in any of your threads, so how am I to know you've already 'covered' it the 'psych 101' stuff?

 

I'm not a fan of sitting around blaming your parents, by the way. In my own case, I'm not stopping with "oh, here's why I pick these guys, it's because of my mommy and daddy issues, poor me". I'm USING that knowledge to actually WORK on my relationships with my parents. My dad and I are very explicitly spending more time together, trying to overcome the years of distance and friction between us. I will eventually start doing similar work with my mom to deal with our special dynamic. In other words, I'm turning these insights into action, and working to heal the wounds at their root. In doing so, I hope that I will be less likely to re-enact these stupid dysfunctional 'scripts' with other men.

 

I guess that's what appears to be missing, at least from what you share on LS: I haven't seen you articulate any helpful insights (rather than self-defeating and self-destructive ones) that have emerged from your voluminous therapy experience; nor have I seen you describe any actions in THIS thread to help yourself stop your doom loops.

 

Stepping back a bit, though, it's becoming unclear what kind of input you even want. If you just want a place to vent and cry about how you're so unlovable and how you're never going to love anyone again, then just tell us and we'll step out of your way and let you do it. Someone started a thread for "Y" to bitch and moan; we could certainly do the same for you.

 

If instead you actually want input from others, I for one would appreciate it if you would knock off the hostile replies.

[Nevermind]

IF. I. WERE. WORTH. ANYTHING. HE. WOULD. STILL. BE. HERE. End of story.

 

Thanks. You just said that if I was worth anything my ex would still be with me. Basically anybody on the coping forum is a worthless pile of ****, because they were left.

 

Oh, you didn't want to say that? Booboo. You're not an island. People get left all the time. You're not so different from anyone else here. You're just refusing to accept that he is gone.

 

You can't force people's feelings. Get that. You can't.

 

[/Tough love]

[sedgwick]

Brad Pitt is ****ing worthless! IMO

 

FWIW, I think Brad Pitt is the most overrated man alive in terms of physical attractiveness. When I hear someone mention how good-looking Brad Pitt is, I feel like saying, "Yeah, so's the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel." It's so unbelievably, boringly obvious. Yup, he's blonde and blue-eyed and chiseled and rich and whatever. BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

It's like saying, "Hey, y'know what REALLY tastes GOOD? CHOCOLATE!" Well, duh. The person I want to hang around is the one who says, "Hey, y'know what REALLY tastes GOOD? TROUT ICE CREAM!" Because at least then I know they're capable of independent thought, as opposed to buying whatever their TVs and billboards and top-40 radio stations and celebrity fan magazines tell them to.

 

My ex, I suppose it could be argued, was kind of the trout ice cream of men...

[sumdude]

Interesting. Y'know what's crazy? I took piano lessons for 12 years -- from kindergarten through high school. And in college I used to go to the music building just to sneak into practice rooms and play the piano. But I was majoring in writing, because that was what I really loved. Plus, you can't exactly move all over the place with a piano slung over your shoulder. I'd LOVE to still have a piano, but now I'd probably be too intimidated to play it.

 

Why do you think your wife left you? I mean, you're a musician! What was her issue?

 

She's the only one who really knows the answer to that question... whatever it was the relationship just wasn't working for her anymore..

 

Any reasons she gave me were just the surface of what she could explain from the jumble of thoughts and feelings we all have in our personal realities.

[sedgwick]

She's the only one who really knows the answer to that question... whatever it was the relationship just wasn't working for her anymore..

 

Any reasons she gave me were just the surface of what she could explain from the jumble of thoughts and feelings we all have in our personal realities.

 

But I don't get it...you're a musician! Didn't she see that she was with, like, the height of what a human can be?

 

And Nevermind, I wish I could get it through to you that YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS...just me! Really! Honest to god! I don't think there's anyone else on the planet who's worthless besides me. I really don't. And I don't know why I am, exactly -- I just know that the very best I had to give, the sum total of my love, was nothing to the person to whom I gave it. When I met him, after a year and a half in DBT, I was actually starting to believe I *was* worth something, which is why I approached him. SO stupid...but hey, at least I'm flexible enough to literally kick my own ass, right? So that's something, I suppose.

[sumdude]

But I don't get it...you're a musician! Didn't she see that she was with, like, the height of what a human can be?

 

And Nevermind, I wish I could get it through to you that YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS...just me! Really! Honest to god! I don't think there's anyone else on the planet who's worthless besides me. I really don't.

 

I'm far from worthless... as are you..

 

At this point I have to wonder if you're writing this over and over to get some sort of attention.. Some need you have isn't being met. But I'm no analyst so leave that for therapy..

 

Call it "The broken wing syndrome"

 

We all cry out for help or understanding when we hurt or don't understand.

 

and.. no a lot of things in life simply don't make sense. The hardest part about breakups and divorces is going over and over it constantly looking for some reason it happened. There's no logic to love... We can blame them, blame ouselves. Be hurt, angry, vengeful, apologetic... in the end they just lost 'it' for us ... just because.. and that can be hard to stomach.. it never will make sense. we just have to accept it.

[sedgwick]

At this point I have to wonder if you're writing this over and over to get some sort of attention.. Some need you have isn't being met. But I'm no analyst so leave that for therapy..

 

GOD BLESS YOU FOR NOT ANALYZING ME!!!!!!!!! xinfinity

 

No, I don't think I'm necessarily seeking attention, I'm just trying to understand what I did wrong. And people are too busy telling me I'm not worthless, because that's what you're SUPPOSED to say, to actually really help. I'd love to know what I could do to try to become a worthwhile human being. That's the kind of advice that would actually be helpful to me, not a layman's rehash of basic principles of psychology.

[Nevermind]

I'm just trying to understand what I did wrong. And people are too busy telling me I'm not worthless, because that's what you're SUPPOSED to say, to actually really help. I'd love to know what I could do to try to become a worthwhile human being. That's the kind of advice that would actually be helpful to me, not a layman's rehash of basic principles of psychology.

 

Isn't that nice. I will not waste my time on you again, sedge. You're being arrogant and condescending.

[sumdude]

GOD BLESS YOU FOR NOT ANALYZING ME!!!!!!!!! xinfinity

 

No, I don't think I'm necessarily seeking attention, I'm just trying to understand what I did wrong. And people are too busy telling me I'm not worthless, because that's what you're SUPPOSED to say, to actually really help. I'd love to know what I could do to try to become a worthwhile human being. That's the kind of advice that would actually be helpful to me, not a layman's rehash of basic principles of psychology.

 

What you did wrong? Who knows... he probably isn't too sure about it either.. I can look back at my marriage and see what I could have done better. Even if I had a time machine and changed some things that's no guarantee the some thing wouldn't have happened anyway. If I can learn from those things just a little... thgat's good. The real challenge for me has been to stop thinking about it. Talking to myself as a freind... every time I start to 'kick myself' I stop and give myself a break... as well as other people in my life

 

Just living in the moment with a quiet mind. Enjoying a simple thing in life and not being so obsessed with either myself or what happened in the past. Relaxing and remembering just how to be happy.

 

Have you ever tried meditation.. maybe yoga or something like that?

[sedgwick]

Isn't that nice. I will not waste my time on you again, sedge. You're being arrogant and condescending.

 

Huh? What did that statement have to do with you? Nothing whatsoever, methinks...I don't know why you take it so personally that I prefer not to be asked very basic questions about my field of study as if they have never occurred to me. Wouldn't that offend you too? I can't imagine anyone who WOULDN'T be offended by that! And then to be called arrogant and condescending when you dare to suggest that maybe, just maybe, those are some really basic questions you're being asked...wouldn't that offend you too? I mean, it offends me that you're calling me arrogant and condescending when, in fact, I have had to defend my study of psychology in here ad nauseum, and have attempted for post upon post to do so -- and yet STILL I'm being asked these questions like I've never thought of them before! Then, when I speak up and say that I have, and suggest people read my past posts so I don't have to say it all again, I get called names! I think I'm bearing up remarkably well under that strain, personally.

 

To attempt to frame this differently, let's say you were a brain surgeon. And then someone said something to you like, "Hey, did you ever think maybe stuff goes wrong with brains after car accidents? If you have a patient who's brain-injured, maybe you could ask him if he had a CAR ACCIDENT!" And then you say, well, uh, yeah, when I see a brain-injured patient, I do tend to take a medical history. And then someone else says, "Yeah, but maybe he FELL OFF A HORSE! That could hurt a brain! Did you ask if he FELL OFF A HORSE?" And you say, yes, falling off a horse would be a kind of injury that one would tend to mention during the taking of a medical history. And then the response you get is, "Wow, you're really arrogant and condescending!"

 

How would that make you feel?!?! Wouldn't it kinda make you want to pluck your eyelashes out by the roots? Well...same here.

 

Have you ever tried meditation.. maybe yoga or something like that?

 

Yoga is required as part of being in my dance company. I espouse yoga regularly on these here boards.

[sumdude]

Y'know.... you seem incredibly critical of yourself.. to say the least. You are also appear pretty critical of others be it individually or soceity as a whole. Yes.... you are hardest on yourself ... but that doesn't make it all OK.

 

Give yourself a huge break... a life mulligan.. you can't be perfect... no one else can either. You might find that as you forgive yourself everytime you do something that didn't work out... you'll do the same for others and they will return the favor. Your life will grow..

[iwish]

GOD BLESS YOU FOR NOT ANALYZING ME!!!!!!!!! xinfinity

 

No, I don't think I'm necessarily seeking attention, I'm just trying to understand what I did wrong. And people are too busy telling me I'm not worthless, because that's what you're SUPPOSED to say, to actually really help. I'd love to know what I could do to try to become a worthwhile human being. That's the kind of advice that would actually be helpful to me, not a layman's rehash of basic principles of psychology.

 

You want to be a worthwhile human being, there's an easy answer fot that.. Volunteer and help people. Helping others is the most worthwhile thing anyone can do.

 

You can start with me, help me find Brad Pitt so i can introduce him to my ex so then he can reject her and i will get my revenge, mwah ha ha

[sedgwick]

Y'know.... you seem incredibly critical of yourself.. to say the least. You are also appear pretty critical of others be it individually or soceity as a whole. Yes.... you are hardest on yourself ... but that doesn't make it all OK.

 

I'm not trying to be a jerk or offend anyone, I'm just getting tired of being talked to like I've never actually read anything about the subject I've been studying day in and day out for the past six years.

 

I'm sorry to everyone who thinks I'm a condescending, arrogant bitch. I just want to raise the discussion to a slightly more intellectual level. I am always offering to talk in depth about psychology and to listen to anyone who wants to share their research with me. And I'd love to do that! But I ask as respectfully as possible that you consider that I maybe, just maybe, have read the same freshman-level psych texts and mass-market self-help books as everybody else. I am happy at any time to have a real, considered, informed discussion of personality disorders and the treatment thereof. I won't talk down to you if you don't talk down to me -- deal??

[Nevermind]

I'm just trying to understand what I did wrong. And people are too busy telling me I'm not worthless, because that's what you're SUPPOSED to say, to actually really help. I'd love to know what I could do to try to become a worthwhile human being. That's the kind of advice that would actually be helpful to me, not a layman's rehash of basic principles of psychology.

In that quote you say:

 

1. Youre not actually interested in what people are telling you.

2. You think you know their motives for telling it.

3. You disregard their help and advice.

4. You ridicule their take on things.

 

---

 

Arrogant. Condescending. Much. And lo and behold, 3 of those things have nothing to do with what you said about psychology but with your attitude.

 

I didn't feel personally attacked by the remarks about psychology. But I have my principles, and not dealing with people who look down on others is one of them.

 

I just want to raise the discussion to a slightly more intellectual level.

 

Another pearl.