Will I ever be able to go out again?

[sedgwick]

In that quote you say:

 

1. Youre not actually interested in what people are telling you.

2. You think you know their motives for telling it.

3. You disregard their help and advice.

4. You ridicule their take on things.

 

You certainly have made a lot of assumptions about me in this post! You've even called me names. I respectfully submit that I have done neither to you, and ask why you feel the need to continue doing so to me. But to address your points:

 

1. If you go up just one comment, you'll see me offering to have an informed, considered discussion of psychology with anyone who would like to -- in fact, I say "I'd love to!" How is this not being interested in what people have to tell me? I'm very interested in having an INTELLIGENT, INFORMED discussion that is not merely an excoriation of who I am and what I think.

 

2. I do believe that when someone says she's worthless, the standard response is, "No you're not!" And I believe that's why I'm being told I'm not worthless, at least in part. To that degree, I believe I have discerned some basic motivation, yes. Beyond that I am open to being told what motivates others -- I find it fascinating!

 

3. I've asked specifically for help and advice on how to better myself as a person, which would seem to negate my not wanting help and advice.

 

4. I'm not ridiculing anyone. What I am asking, as respectfully as possible, is that you consider -- just CONSIDER -- that someone who has intensely studied a subject might -- just MIGHT -- know the fundamentals of that subject and might not need to have them suggested to her as new concepts. I ask that you carefully consider my brain surgeon analogy; I tried my best to give you some idea of where I'm coming from.

 

You are actually straight up calling me NAMES and I'm not doing it back! It would be so awesome to get even just the tiniest bit of credit for that. But again, if you feel that the aforementioned four points are things I'm actually saying, I invite you to show me where I used those words.

[sunshinegirl]

I'm not trying to be a jerk or offend anyone, I'm just getting tired of being talked to like I've never actually read anything about the subject I've been studying day in and day out for the past six years.

 

I'm sorry to everyone who thinks I'm a condescending, arrogant bitch. I just want to raise the discussion to a slightly more intellectual level. I am always offering to talk in depth about psychology and to listen to anyone who wants to share their research with me. And I'd love to do that! But I ask as respectfully as possible that you consider that I maybe, just maybe, have read the same freshman-level psych texts and mass-market self-help books as everybody else. I am happy at any time to have a real, considered, informed discussion of personality disorders and the treatment thereof. I won't talk down to you if you don't talk down to me -- deal??

 

What is intellectual about the way you are talking about yourself and others in this thread? Please provide quotes.

 

If you demonstrated a mature understanding and application of these "freshman level psych ideas" to your own situation, we might be able to "raise the discussion" to a more intellectual level. A "hey, that's a pretty popular idea in psychology, here's how I see it relating to my situation." As it is, you threw a tantrum when I suggested it rather than discussing the content of the idea and took it as some kind of personal attack on your knowledge or credibility. What is intellectual, or mature, about that?

 

To be honest sedg, I've been on your side this whole time - I have often thought you're a terrifically talented woman with a lot going for her - but I really resent the attacks you have made obliquely about me and my efforts to be helpful.

 

If you want serious or intellectual engagement on this thread, start by treating our suggestions with seriousness.

[sumdude]

I'm very interested in having an INTELLIGENT discussion that is not merely an excoriation of who I am and what I think.

 

I'll make one last observation here... trying to be dispassionate.

 

It's all about perception and text can be difficult at times to get meaning across in a hurry without body language and verbal cues

 

The perceptions I get from the quote above is...

 

I highly value intelligence, In fact I consistanly capitalize it.

I want people to knoe I'm inteliigent.

I really like my vocabulary

I might not want to waste my time with people I don't percieve being as intelligent as I am.

 

Whether that was the intent or not... that's what I get from it..

[sedgwick]

You want to be a worthwhile human being, there's an easy answer fot that.. Volunteer and help people. Helping others is the most worthwhile thing anyone can do.

 

My next book/film is a documentary project about adolescent girls in residential eating disorder treatment facilities. I recently flew across the country to meet some of these girls and their treatment providers, and to speak with them about the possibility of writing their own stories and shooting their own films as part of a larger whole. I am absolutely passionate about helping others and would like to believe that's what I'm here to do. I plan to spend all the book money that doesn't go to rent and fiddle lessons on this project. I hope so much to have the opportunity to help them heal by simply listening to them and reinforcing my firm belief that what they have to say is important. If I'm a lost cause, I want to keep other girls from becoming me, y'know? At least maybe I can do that much, so that they will grow up to have the kind of rich, fulfilling, love-filled lives I dream of.

[sedgwick]

I highly value intelligence, In fact I consistanly capitalize it.

I want people to knoe I'm inteliigent.

I really like my vocabulary

I might not want to waste my time with people I don't percieve being as intelligent as I am.

 

Whether that was the intent or not... that's what I get from it..

 

I'm very sorry it comes across that way. I apologize for having offended anyone. I find it interesting that you got "I really like my vocabulary" out of that! I simply write like I speak -- the only way I know how, using all words at my disposal to try to make my points as clearly as possible.

 

I promise that I don't think I'm all that smart. I honest to god really do know that overall I'm a stupid piece of sh*t, I promise!!!!!! Swear to god! Really!!!!!!!!

[sumdude]

I'm very sorry it comes across that way. I apologize for having offended anyone. I find it interesting that you got "I really like my vocabulary" out of that! I simply write like I speak -- the only way I know how, using all words at my disposal to try to make my points as clearly as possible.

 

I promise that I don't think I'm all that smart. I honest to god really do know that overall I'm a stupid piece of sh*t, I promise!!!!!! Swear to god! Really!!!!!!!!

 

You're a writer... naturally you love words. Mightier than the sword and all that...

 

I haven't been offended... but might see why others have.

 

And if you keep attacking yourself it seems almost as if that's how you want to be treated.

[sedgwick]

I'm actually embarrassed that I have caused people to waste so much time replying to my stupid post. I really, really am sorry. I'm sorry for all the stuff I did to get me called hurtful names. I'm sorry for having an overlarge vocabulary. I'm sorry for posting, dating, loving, and existing.

 

I hope all of you can forgive me. I'll shut up now.

[sumdude]

Well I hope I didn't come off as judgemental to you and if I did it wasn't intended.

 

You're going through a very tough time right now and I do hope it turns around for you soon.

 

On one level I can understand your frustration

 

After about the nth time I heard "You're better off without her." I wanted to throw back at folks

 

"How the he** can you know that?!"

 

But I know people were doing the best they could to make me feel better...

[sedgwick]

Sunshinegirl, I'm sorry, I really am.

[Ssheena]

"My next book/film is a documentary project about adolescent girls in residential eating disorder treatment facilities. I recently flew across the country to meet some of these girls and their treatment providers, and to speak with them about the possibility of writing their own stories and shooting their own films as part of a larger whole. I am absolutely passionate about helping others and would like to believe that's what I'm here to do. I plan to spend all the book money that doesn't go to rent and fiddle lessons on this project. I hope so much to have the opportunity to help them heal by simply listening to them and reinforcing my firm belief that what they have to say is important. If I'm a lost cause, I want to keep other girls from becoming me, y'know? At least maybe I can do that much, so that they will grow up to have the kind of rich, fulfilling, love-filled lives I dream of"

 

Sedg.. I remember feeling so proud of you when he called you awhile ago and you said what you did to him. Do you remember that post? That was huge for you, it really was.

 

I put the quote in above because I just started reading this thread and read it all the way through. What you are going to do, work on is amazing. That is not anything that I certainly could do. Look what you wrote..

you are passionate about helping others

you want to help them heal

you want them to have rich, fulfilling lives

 

That is what we all (I hope I can speak for the others that have posted here) want for you. That is why we/I can say you are not the worthless piece of poo you think you are.

 

It was and still is, so hard for me to even accept the fact that people really like me, that I am a good person and I have to continually shut up that voice in my head that starts saying you are a failure over and over.

 

I wish, I hope that one day soon you will be able to do the same thing. Refuse to listen to and refuse to accept what you are telling yourself over and over. It is wrong. It is not true.

 

You have made big strides in your life, you know it. Of course, the automatic response when someone says they are worthless is to reply no you aren't. The person who is going to make a movie about girls and their eating disorders and is passionate about helping others is not worthless. At least to me. And if you are not worthless to me, you are not worthless because I do not believe it. You can think you are for yourself, but also think, wait a sec.. Ssheena doesn't think I'm worthless.

 

I've also done a lot of reading about psychology and been in therapy off and on for years. It seems to me that in the past few years there have been more and more different places to buttonhole people when to my way of thinking, there is no one buttonhole for most people. Most people present with symptoms, thoughts that can be put in numberous catagories. Bi-polar? Depressed? social anxiety? etc., etc.

 

I have done some reading about schema therapy, which actually I read about in Oprah magazine first and then did some investigating and looked on Amazon for the books. I've had some great success with using EMDR as well (which as I write this I actually think might work well for you).

 

What always breaks my heart and has pushed me away from a friend of mine is those people who refuse to see what is in front of them, refuse to deal with it and just continually refresh the same things over and over and over. I'm thinking now of a girl who I know, in her 40's who has an eating disorder. She freaks if she has an apple with her lunch. For her what she eats is the only thing she can control. She uses the excuse she doesn't have enough money for therapy for not dealing with it. She says she is fat, she always wears baggy clothes, etc, etc. Just like the girls you are interviewing. I got so tired of always boosting her up, I gave up. She changes close friends all the time. She lets one person be her special friend and then when that person gets to tough on her, she changes and moves to the next one. She has issues.

 

Please do not be that person. You are making changes, they aren't going to happen overnight. Don't even focus on him. Focus on you. Make it all about you.

Believe this... He was not worthy of you.

[Lishy]

You have asked for advice on how to better yourself?

 

Sedge, I agree with you ... You ARE worthless!

 

You know why? Because YOU think you are!

 

For such a well read woman you really need to learn to HEAR what you are reading!

 

You cannot put people down for telling you that you are wrong in your assumptions. You ARE wrong, but until you see that for yourself your life will remain the same and you will always be down on yourself. I see alot of my ex's traits in you Sedge and can see more than ever that you suffer with a personality disorder i.e the self doubt, the self abuse, the high and mighty way of demeaning others, the self rightous way of berating people who disagree with you or challenge you and then the sorry's when you realise everyone disagree's with you.

 

Myself, I think you are a wonderful specimen of human being but seeing as what I think means nothing you really should work on getting out of your tunnel vision and get over your obsession with the fiddle dude. He is not worth the steam from your pee, yet you place him above you and class yourself worthless because you do not play a stupid fiddle! I would also like to point out that for a girl who is convinced that not learning to play a fiddle is the reason she is worthless, you have still not learned to play it - That is because you would then need to find another reason that you are no good!

 

I have no business in telling you about yourself as I do not know you from Adam but I DO know that you are the person to blame for how you feel. I think you enjoy wallowing in your own misery to a degree as it gives you reasons for feeling so bad.

 

Can I ask, If you learned to play a fiddle to the highest degree, would you automatically be a worthwhile person?

[miss_28]

Sedg... i just read this thread and i felt compelled to throw in my two cents. I'm not sure what you really wanted to hear on this thread... i get the impression (and its just an impression) that you're trying to pick arguments; either to get people to flatter you or to insult you... it makes for a strange read at the very least. You vacillate between defending yourself and highlighting all the interesting and exciting things you're involved in and then you shoot yourself down as a worthless piece of trash that doesn't deserve love. You use your extensive knowledge of psychology as a shield - as though just the fact of knowing the subject inside out means that anyone expressing an opinion that even sounds like psychoanalysis is wasting your time. Obviously most of us here are not psychologists, but for the most part, we make very valid points. Earlier you talked about how therapy has helped you... how now you don't physically harm yourself and how you don't end up at the hospital as a result of the therapy... and that's great... but (and I'm reaching here, I know) could it be that you're trying to hurt yourself by reliving the rejection over and over on this forum in the same way each time?

 

I'm trying to avoid falling into the game of letting you feel like I'm attacking you, because I'm really not... I get that you're still hurt - and maybe its easier to hang on to the hurt rather than to let the ex fade away into oblivion... but you gotta see that you gotta get past this stage. You've gotten through the past breakups, you will get through this one... and we are all in the same boat here. You were asking how to improve yourself earlier, how to make yourself more worthy of love... well, how about you start with not being so hard on yourself?