Will I ever be able to go out again?

[sedgwick]

Therapy is going to do absolutely no good if you don't challenge your own irrational thoughts outside of the therapist's office. I've been told, over and over, that 90% of therapeutic work is done by the client.

 

If you need me to send you a scan of the DBT diary cards I fill out every day on my own, I'm happy to.

 

 

If your best friend were in your shoes, what would you tell her? That her negative self-talk is correct? That she's not lovable, she's unworthy, that the ex was an awesome person, she's horrible and YES musicians are the best thing ever, and YES everyone would laugh at her if she tried to learn the fiddle?

 

Nope! My best friend is amazing! She's a brilliant and talented woman, I'd never talk to her like that.

[sunshinegirl]

My life is in no way meaningless without him. I have dance, a book, knitting, good friends, my animals -- but it seems you haven't heard that either.

 

You could have fooled us on this thread, sedg. You've given the impression that your life is meaningless without your douchebag ex.

 

I'm glad NM has gotten you to start defending yourself.

[sedgwick]

You could have fooled us on this thread, sedg. You've given the impression that your life is meaningless without your douchebag ex.

 

Point me to where I used those words!

[sunshinegirl]

Nope! My best friend is amazing! She's a

brilliant and talented woman, I'd never talk to her like that.

 

Is it too obvious to point out that YOU are a brilliant and talented woman? How about you start taking your own side?

[Nevermind]

Look, I am not convinced you need a different therapy. You need to get out, imho. But your arrogance when it comes to anybody else's opinion about psychology or therapy is tiresome.

 

Do whatever you need, believe whatever you need. Nobody will stop you. But if you don't start to actively get over this ONE SENTENCE, then you never will. It's - as sunshine put it - a prison of your own making.

[sedgwick]

Look, I am not convinced you need a different therapy. You need to get out, imho. But your arrogance when it comes to anybody else's opinion about psychology or therapy is tiresome.

 

 

Yup, I sure do get annoyed when people say things about the topic I have studied intensely and negate my time, energy and research, but then refuse to actually back up their opinions with fact! Don't you? But I'm not being arrogant at all! I've asked you to state your facts re: therapy and psychology. I'm giving you a chance to speak out here. I can state my research and facts, now you state yours! I'm happy to have an educated, informed discussion on this topic with anyone who wants to.

[blind_otter]

If you need me to send you a scan of the DBT diary cards I fill out every day on my own, I'm happy to.

 

I don't need your DBT cards. I'm just basing this off the thoughts you freely post on LS. You can write whatever you want onto your DBT cards.

 

BTW, I have BPD as well. I was diagnosed in 2006, just sos ya know. And no, I did not simply attend therapy to get better. I did my own research as well.

[Nevermind]

Originally Posted by sunshinegirl

You could have fooled us on this thread, sedg. You've given the impression that your life is meaningless without your douchebag ex.

Point me to where I used those words!

*rollseyes* I can see you telling me that those were not your exact words, but here is a small list from the first few posts..

 

I simply do not feel attractive, interesting, or cool enough to go out and be around others.

 

"You're not a musician, you should stay home, you're not good enough to go out and have a social life.

 

of course I know I'm not good enough to actually love, but just as a general acquaintance. I know there will never be love in my life again,

 

I just feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone who might be kind enough to speak to me if I went out, and I therefore would rather not bother them.

 

I used to think writing, dance, knitting, crocheting, and shooting film could be of interest, but I no longer believe those things are worth much.

 

So he actually DOES like dancers, but I wasn't a good enough dancer to hold his interest either

 

I wasn't good enough at either of the things I really love to make him see any value in them at all. In fact, I was such a ****ty dancer I made him not want to know dancers anymore. I just hate myself for that.

 

I'm a disgrace to dance.

[sunshinegirl]

Yup, I sure do get annoyed when people say things about the topic I have studied intensely and negate my time, energy and research, but then refuse to actually back up their opinions with fact! Don't you? But I'm not being arrogant at all! I've asked you to state your facts re: therapy and psychology. I'm giving you a chance to speak out here. I can state my research and facts, now you state yours! I'm happy to have an educated, informed discussion on this topic with anyone who wants to.

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but it would be helpful if you could describe how your therapy HAS helped you. From what you post in threads like these, it is hard for readers to see any progress in your thinking or attitudes and I suspect that is what makes them suggest new/different/more therapy. Whatever you are doing now does not appear to be making a difference: he is just as much on that PEDESTAL today as he has been in any thread I've read of yours, and possibly just as much as he was a year ago.

 

So perhaps you should educate us on just how all the different modalities of therapy that you have gone through are helping you get over the douchebag.

[sedgwick]

First of all, he's definitely not a douchebag! He just didn't love me, because I didn't have enough to offer to someone with his talent and intelligence. No harm, no foul.

 

How has my therapy helped me? God, let me count the ways. Prior to 2004, I was in the hospital at least once a year. I haven't been in in almost 4 years now, because I have learned how not to hurt myself physically when I'm hurting emotionally.

 

I don't get in trouble with the law for losing my temper when a cop tries to give me a speeding ticket (this got me arrested once before.)

 

I am really good at standing up for myself with other people now. When someone goes off on me and calls me crazy or whatever, I'm now able to see that that's much more about them than me, and I am usually able to "kill 'em with kindness" and turn it around. I know how to set boundaries and say what I need.

 

I know how to deal with anger. I don't get into verbal or physical altercations with random people who piss me off anymore. I know how to count my breath, use the core mindfulness and distress tolerance skills, and walk away more or less unscathed.

 

I no longer engage in eating disordered behavior. I haven't binged and purged since '05. Prior to that, I had been doing it for 12 years.

 

I take my medication now. I accept that I have to. I don't go off of it and end up hospitalized.

 

Those are just a few of the ways my therapy has helped. I know I still seem like a mess, but if you could see what a mess I was just a few years ago, you'd see the serious leaps and bounds since then.

[sunshinegirl]

Those are all great improvements, sedg, and it's awesome that you have worked so hard and come so far. None of us is trying to downplay or take away any of that. But nothing in your response answers my question: how has therapy helped you cope with your breakup?

[sedgwick]

But nothing in your response answers my question: how has therapy helped you cope with your breakup?

 

Indeed it does answer your question! Here's the first response I gave, again:

 

"Prior to 2004, I was in the hospital at least once a year. I haven't been in in almost 4 years now, because I have learned how not to hurt myself physically when I'm hurting emotionally."

 

So there's just one way. My last two breakups before this one put me in the hospital. One put me in ICU for a week, after a suicide attempt. This was the worst rejection I've ever experienced, and there was zero self-harm and zero self-mutilation.

 

I just changed my signature to reflect that I am in therapy. Hopefully it will help others to understand that I AM IN THERAPY, and where!

[sunshinegirl]

Great, you haven't been in the hospital. None of us should minimize that.

 

But you have a long way to go in your healing. How is therapy helping you overcome your distorted thinking patterns related to your ex?

 

By the by, your ex is a douchebag. However, since calling him by this name seems only to cause you to defend him, thus entrenching his position on the PEDESTAL, I will refrain. from doing so in the future.

[sedgwick]

 

But you have a long way to go in your healing. How is therapy helping you overcome your distorted thinking patterns related to your ex?

 

Again, I'm happy to PM you a scan of my DBT diary cards. This can explain it better in a day-to-day way than I can here in words.

 

Given that the distorted thinking patterns were what landed me in the hospital, and I'm not in the hospital this time around, I'd say that's one way in which my distorted thinking patterns have been at least partially overcome. But I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THIS GUY. That fact remains, and thus, my thinking is not entirely distorted. He really was WAY too smart, talented, and attractive to be with someone like me.

[Nevermind]

It is not a fact. Why can't you see that?

 

Your break-up isn't so fundamentally different from anybody else's. So, is every break-up about a person not being good enough?

[sedgwick]

So, is every break-up about a person not being good enough?

 

Not at all! Just mine! I have no doubt that everyone else on here IS deserving of love. Just not me, because there's nothing interesting or worthwhile about me.

[Nevermind]

Are you laughing right now? Because that must have been a joke.

[blind_otter]

Not at all! Just mine! I have no doubt that everyone else on here IS deserving of love. Just not me, because there's nothing interesting or worthwhile about me.

 

are you going to write this statement in your DBT cards? Because you should.

[sedgwick]

Are you laughing right now? Because that must have been a joke.

 

Nope, not a joke at all! He did me a favor - he taught me that I should NEVER tell anyone else I love them! Now I will never get hurt again, because I will never again forget that I don't have the same rights as other people. I truly am thankful to him for showing me that.

 

And Blind Otter, again, if you'd like to know exactly what I put on my cards and about exactly what I speak to my therapist, just PM me, I'll send you a scan of a card. This is my third offer; let me know if you'd like to take me up on it rather than asking again!

[Nevermind]

Okay.

 

So, you're the most special person on the planet and your situation is completely different to everbody else's?

[blind_otter]

And Blind Otter, again, if you'd like to know exactly what I put on my cards and about exactly what I speak to my therapist, just PM me, I'll send you a scan of a card. This is my third offer; let me know if you'd like to take me up on it rather than asking again!

 

I wasn't asking if you were in therapy, or what you do in therapy, or what you write on your DBT cards. I have no interest in that - it's your business and yours alone. I was merely pointing out a very very very distorted thought that has no basis in reality.

 

And according to you, you are attending to your distorted thinking patterns. I was just wondering if you realized that this statement was part of that issue.

[foxh1234]

Not at all! Just mine! I have no doubt that everyone else on here IS deserving of love. Just not me, because there's nothing interesting or worthwhile about me.

 

Sedge, I am not a doctor or expert on any of this. I know nothing about your life except what I have read on this forum. Please believe what I am going to say but it is the truth- SAYING THAT THERE IS NOTHING INTERESTING OR WORTHWHILE ABOUT YOU IS COMPLETE B*LLSH*T. And to say that you are NOT DESERVING OF LOVE IS JUST AS MUCH A CROCK!! I have read all of your threads and I find you very interesting. You have given me great advice over the last few months and I take that advice and apply it to my situation because I value your opinion. Please don't say these things Sedge, they are simply not true.

[sedgwick]

I wasn't asking...what you write on your DBT cards.

 

are you going to write this statement in your DBT cards?

 

I find these two statements/questions to be at odds. Explain please!

 

And no, Nevermind, I don't think I'm different from everyone else! I don't think I'm special at all, I think I'm frighteningly un-special!!! If I had something special or interesting about me, I'd be worthy of love, right? Given that I never showed more love, appreciation, or caring for anyone in my life than I did for him, I'm thinking that means I'm unworthy of love and decidedly not special at all! I mean, I'd give ANYTHING to be loved like I loved him, I'd view it as the most special thing in the universe, but he just threw it away. Why? Because it was coming from me, and I'm not good enough. That's the only thing I can assume!

 

I hope that when I start learning how to play the fiddle I can eventually work up the courage to ask him to speak to me again. I know it will take a lot of years before I'm good enough to ask him to give me the time of day, but hey, a girl can dream, right?

 

You have given me great advice over the last few months and I take that advice and apply it to my situation because I value your opinion.

 

I do appreciate you saying that. I like knowing that if I can't be worth anything as a partner, at least I can be worth something as an online advice-giver. Any little shred of worth I can find on the planet right now really helps me.

[Nevermind]

Sedge:

I don't think I'm special at all, I think I'm frighteningly un-special!!! If I had something special or interesting about me, I'd be worthy of love, right? Given that I never showed more love, appreciation, or caring for anyone in my life than I did for him, I'm thinking that means I'm unworthy of love and decidedly not special at all! I mean, I'd give ANYTHING to be loved like I loved him, I'd view it as the most special thing in the universe, but he just threw it away. Why? Because it was coming from me, and I'm not good enough. That's the only thing I can assume!

 

I can say this, too. All of it. Believe it or not, but you're alone with this.

 

My ex cannot take my self-worth away, and neither can yours. We do that ourselves. So your conclusion that you must be unworthy because of the pain you're feeling, is not rational and clouded by emotion. I hope that somewhere in you, one day, you'll realize this.

 

You have so much going on for you. I have nothing, really, but I try to be nice to myself and not put me down. It's a concious effort. You can do it, but only if you want to.

 

Learning the fiddle will accomplish nothing. He will still care about himself only. And you're still not be allowed to sleep with him when the bass is lonely. It's a pursuit of unhappiness.

[blind_otter]

I find these two statements/questions to be at odds. Explain please!

 

I guess I'll restate my previously written explanation.

 

I didn't ask "What are you writing on your DBT cards?" - which would indicate that I was interested in the CONTENT of your cards.

 

I asked "Are you going to write THIS STATEMENT on your DBT cards?" because you made reference to the fact that you use them to address your distorted thinking patterns.

 

Asking if you would write a specific statement on your cards does not indicate a desire on my part to read all your DBT cards.

 

I don't want to know what you write on them, I was wondering if you realized that this thought was distorted, illogical, and not based in reality.

 

Does that clear things up?