Broke NC.. sent her an email

[replicator]

Well, I broke NC in a weak moment. I was supposed to have a date today with someone, but when I woke up, I started to think about my ex and it was downhill from there. I broke down, canceled the date, and sent my ex an email.

 

I didn't ask her to come back. But I told her that I love her, and I would not be contacting her again because I had to move on. I told her that I forgave her for everything, and that I don't want her to feel guilty. I guess deep down, I'm angry with her, but at the same time, I do want her to be happy.

 

I just can't stop comparing everyone to her. In all ways, beauty, intellect, grace, spirit - I don't know of anyone who has that combination that kept me in love with her. I feel like I was lucky to have her, and that I won't get so lucky again... Hate this feeling that whoever I'm with, I'll always think that I had better.

[Habibti]

Well, I broke NC in a weak moment. I was supposed to have a date today with someone, but when I woke up, I started to think about my ex and it was downhill from there. I broke down, canceled the date, and sent my ex an email.

 

I didn't ask her to come back. But I told her that I love her, and I would not be contacting her again because I had to move on. I told her that I forgave her for everything, and that I don't want her to feel guilty. I guess deep down, I'm angry with her, but at the same time, I do want her to be happy.

 

I just can't stop comparing everyone to her. In all ways, beauty, intellect, grace, spirit - I don't know of anyone who has that combination that kept me in love with her. I feel like I was lucky to have her, and that I won't get so lucky again... Hate this feeling that whoever I'm with, I'll always think that I had better.

 

Out of curiosity, did you dump her or did she dump you? No chance of reconciliation?

[carhill]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t153808/

[iwish]

Well, I broke NC in a weak moment. I was supposed to have a date today with someone, but when I woke up, I started to think about my ex and it was downhill from there. I broke down, canceled the date, and sent my ex an email.

 

I didn't ask her to come back. But I told her that I love her, and I would not be contacting her again because I had to move on. I told her that I forgave her for everything, and that I don't want her to feel guilty. I guess deep down, I'm angry with her, but at the same time, I do want her to be happy.

 

I just can't stop comparing everyone to her. In all ways, beauty, intellect, grace, spirit - I don't know of anyone who has that combination that kept me in love with her. I feel like I was lucky to have her, and that I won't get so lucky again... Hate this feeling that whoever I'm with, I'll always think that I had better.

 

How long was you NC for? At the end of the day there's no point beating yourself up, it's done now. And if you had the urge to contact then so be it. I hope it made you feel better because you're the one that counts now.

 

You wasn't nasty you were forgiving which is a good thing i guess. She might respond she might not. That's something only the future knows.

 

As for your date, i know where you're coming from. I've been on a couple of dates since my split and neither of them compared to my ex. It sucks but it's true. The solution? I don't know. Just know that you are not alone in this way of thinking that other people feel the same about their ex's. Keep strong and good luck.

[replicator]

How long was you NC for? At the end of the day there's no point beating yourself up, it's done now. And if you had the urge to contact then so be it. I hope it made you feel better because you're the one that counts now.

 

You wasn't nasty you were forgiving which is a good thing i guess. She might respond she might not. That's something only the future knows.

 

As for your date, i know where you're coming from. I've been on a couple of dates since my split and neither of them compared to my ex. It sucks but it's true. The solution? I don't know. Just know that you are not alone in this way of thinking that other people feel the same about their ex's. Keep strong and good luck.

 

It has been almost 2 months I think.. I stopped counting. I don't feel any better or worse.. I suppose I feel a little bit better.. I want her to know I'm not bitter.. I don't want pity. I truly loved her, and I'll cherish what we had. Compared to what I read on this forum, she was angel to me. She did me no wrong, but to leave me.

 

I promised to myself that the next girl has to have something really special, so I feel like it is an upgrade, rather than downgrade. Going to be tough, but I think that I'd rather be single than to lower my standards.. I guess I better start working on myself so I am better bait.

[critter909]

Better bait- I like that

[FauxVowel]

Well, I broke NC in a weak moment. I was supposed to have a date today with someone, but when I woke up, I started to think about my ex and it was downhill from there. I broke down, canceled the date, and sent my ex an email.

 

I didn't ask her to come back. But I told her that I love her, and I would not be contacting her again because I had to move on. I told her that I forgave her for everything, and that I don't want her to feel guilty. I guess deep down, I'm angry with her, but at the same time, I do want her to be happy.

 

I just can't stop comparing everyone to her. In all ways, beauty, intellect, grace, spirit - I don't know of anyone who has that combination that kept me in love with her. I feel like I was lucky to have her, and that I won't get so lucky again... Hate this feeling that whoever I'm with, I'll always think that I had better.

 

Dude, dude, dude...

 

**** HER.

[kizik]

Rep,

 

just re-read your post from last month, thanks to carhill's link. You really did paint her as the Perfect Girl.

 

She sounds outwardly impressive. You know what I mean? The kind of girl every man wants, blahblahblah... and you're going to tell yourself each day how wonderful she was, and how you f*cked it all up and let her get away...

 

the fact is, though, she is too busy for you. She focuses on being perfect. She's prob. a bit narcissistic.

 

Do you want to be with a princess? Who mommy and daddy dote on? Who thinks she deserves everything that's coming to her?

 

I know you're gonna argue with me and tell me that it's all your fault. It's not. You haven't accepted her role in the R's breakup. And I don't know the details, because you're being unrealistic.

 

No one is TOO GOOD for us. That's some bad, bad self-talk. Some people PRESENT themselves as too good. That's your ex.

 

People who seem to have it all together, never do. There are things you're not telling us, b/c you still, after 2 months, have not accepted them.

[replicator]

Kizik, I don't know why I think of her so highly. I guess she always seemed to have it together, and I always had the issues. She always planned everything, and sort of held us together through shaky times. Very thoughtful in everything she did, meticulous. I was immature, and I guess I credit her for a lot of things that I achieved, because she really pushed me to aim higher.

 

I want to believe that she wasn't too good for me, because yes, it is completely ego crushing self-talk. I guess losing her makes all my faults and deficiencies stand out clearer than ever before. I feel so low. I'm constantly trying to improve myself so I can dig myself out of this hole.

 

Thanks for the honest words, I really need a kick in the a$$ now and then because I can't see straight sometimes. I really need to focus on her negatives, but why I draw a blank so often I'm not sure. I suppose I'm still idealizing her.

[replicator]

This week has been one of the most intense for me, and its been a few months now so I thought it was getting better..

 

I feel so messed up inside, it's brutal. I don' t feel like the master of my mind or my heart, and I'm just not sure what the hell I feel. I'm ok, I want her back, I want to find someone else to date. I'm just spinning my wheels trying to come to grips with myself. Feel like I need to be sedated.

 

I really hope things start getting better. The daily grind just reminds me how dull life can be. I feel like I need some very drastic change to make myself feel better. I'm going to the gym almost every single day. Trying to hang out with some friends. But eventually it always catches up to me.

[northstar1]

This week has been one of the most intense for me, and its been a few months now so I thought it was getting better..

 

I feel so messed up inside, it's brutal. I don' t feel like the master of my mind or my heart, and I'm just not sure what the hell I feel. I'm ok, I want her back, I want to find someone else to date. I'm just spinning my wheels trying to come to grips with myself. Feel like I need to be sedated.

 

I really hope things start getting better. The daily grind just reminds me how dull life can be. I feel like I need some very drastic change to make myself feel better. I'm going to the gym almost every single day. Trying to hang out with some friends. But eventually it always catches up to me.

 

That's totally natural. But the important thing is you are keeping busy and seeing friends. It will get better.

You need concern yourself now only with YOU.

You've let the ex know your feelings. Now you need to leave it alone and get back to focusing on yourself.

 

As for change - why not learn something new? Plan a trip? Look at a new job?

[stlnsmile]

Kizik, I don't know why I think of her so highly. I guess she always seemed to have it together, and I always had the issues. She always planned everything, and sort of held us together through shaky times. Very thoughtful in everything she did, meticulous. I was immature, and I guess I credit her for a lot of things that I achieved, because she really pushed me to aim higher.

 

I want to believe that she wasn't too good for me, because yes, it is completely ego crushing self-talk. I guess losing her makes all my faults and deficiencies stand out clearer than ever before. I feel so low. I'm constantly trying to improve myself so I can dig myself out of this hole.

 

Thanks for the honest words, I really need a kick in the a$$ now and then because I can't see straight sometimes. I really need to focus on her negatives, but why I draw a blank so often I'm not sure. I suppose I'm still idealizing her.

 

Replicator, you and I had very similar situations, my ex was perfect and had the family issues too, I was always the one that was "messed up" so to speak. What I realized later, was that this is the way it is with narcissism. The come into your life like perfect sunshine, perfect in every way, and they can do everything that we can't and we love them for it, we love them for their strength and tanacity and perfection....they are perfection. And they fill every void in us, the are salt and light. And then it comes crashing down. Usually because they refused to sacrifice some part of themselves. With you and it was because they were "better than us" in family and because they would not fight for us. There were other reasons too. Don't you see Rep that no one can be perfect, that there is no such thing, and for anyone to place themselves that highly above you is wrong and not real. You I believe have run into a narcissist, and the self doubt and damage that is occuring to you now as a result could need therapy. Believe me, I mean it. It is no different than recovering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is bad, and most people will not understand the self doubt that occures after running head first into perfection and the devaluation that occures inside of yourself because of it. But you have to understand it is all a lie. The lie is this I have a feeling if you look at it, you can say "I would never intentionally hurt someone else", did you see times where her selfishness hurt you, or the selfishness of her family, their complete inability to consider you as a person, your feelings, always them first, their way first.....you have run head first into narcissism and you better find some help, some one to talk to, even if its just me. No one is perfect, and the more perfect they seem, the less perfect they are deep inside where it counts. You have to trust me on this, you are in self doubt, and we need to work to get you out of that place.

[Art_Critic]

I broke down, canceled the date, and sent my ex an email.

 

Boy.. that sounds like it was productive...

 

At least you didn't go out on that date and have fun.. that would've been anti staying glued to someone that doesn't want to be with you anymore...

 

Did she at least contact you back and mention that she canceled her date just to email you back ?

 

 

Okay.. I'm not being a jerk in my posts for any other reason to see if you can see how what you did was self defeating...

 

Hang tough... next time dump the ex and go out with the new girl

[kizik]

Don't you see Rep that no one can be perfect, that there is no such thing, and for anyone to place themselves that highly above you is wrong and not real.

 

Thank you.

 

Her selfishness hurt you... the selfishness of her family, their complete inability to consider you as a person, your feelings, always them first, their way first.

 

Thank you.

 

No one is perfect, and the more perfect they seem, the less perfect they are deep inside where it counts.

 

Thank you so much for beautifully articulating what I could not. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[kizik]

Armchair psych time. Excerpts from Wikipedia, "Narcissistic Personality Disorder":

 

Narcissistic personality disorder and its derivatives can be caused by excessive praise and criticism in childhood, particularly that from parental figures.

 

 

DSM Criteria

 

 

 

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following[1]: [kizik highlights his ex's traits]

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
   
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
   
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique
   
4. requires excessive admiration
   
5. has a sense of entitlement
   
6. is interpersonally exploitative
   
7. lacks empathy
   
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
   
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
   

To the extent that people are pathologically narcissistic, they can be controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ views, unaware of others' needs and of the effects of their behavior on others, and insistent that others see them as they wish to be seen [3].

 

NPD is considered to result from a person's belief that he or she is flawed in a way that makes the person fundamentally unacceptable to others [4]. This belief is held below the person's conscious awareness; such a person would typically deny thinking such a thing, if questioned. In order to protect themselves against the intolerably painful rejection and isolation that (they imagine) would follow if others recognised their supposedly defective nature, such people make strong attempts to control others’ view of them and behaviour towards them.

 

People who are overly narcissistic commonly feel rejected, humiliated and threatened when criticised. To protect themselves from these dangers, they often react with disdain, rage, and/or defiance to any slight criticism, real or imagined [7]. To avoid such situations, some narcissistic people withdraw socially and may feign modesty or humility.

[replicator]

Stlnsmile, thanks for your insight. It's true that she could be very selfish, and demanding to get her way. Still, there were many moments where she was just the opposite, and very loving and considerate. Really, I knew her soft side, and she made herself vulnerable only to me. I was always very happy to see her soft side come out, because that's the person I really fell for.

 

Art_Critic - I wanted to go, but I was so distressed, I wouldn't have been able to act normal. I didn't want to meet her for the first time when I was so emotionally unstable. It wouldn't be fair for her. I realize that I need more time...

 

Kizik, not sure if she perfectly fits the profile of a Narcissist, but if I had to be very critical, she had some of those traits. She did fight for me at first, but that started to change. She started to change as she became more successful. I think I made the mistake and started to put her above me. She never said I'm better than you, but there was always pressure for me to do more. I take some responsibility for putting her on a pedestal near the end of our relationship - it's a big lesson to be learned...

 

If I had to hight light some of them.

 

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
   
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
   
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique
   
4. requires excessive admiration
   
5. has a sense of entitlement
   
6. is interpersonally exploitative
   
7. lacks empathy
   
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
   
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
   

So yes, she wasn't perfect, but she wasn't a bad person. For her faults, she made it up in other ways. Still, I am going to stop thinking about her as being too good for me because you're all right - it isn't true. I guess we're just not meant to be together. She had different values and goals. To me, love was enough. For her, she needed more.

 

I'm far from perfect, and she stood by me for a decade. I learned a lot from her, and she learned a lot from me. I feel better knowing that I had a real impact on her life in a positive way, and she'll always hold me close to her heart. It's all in my head now, and I have to get out of the past, and start looking into the future. I made good progress, though the last week felt like a setback, I'm still better.

 

Thanks guys for all your support.

[stlnsmile]

Well let me say this about my case and maybe it will help. Narcissist wear masks, what they say, is not what they feel. They are NEVER honest, they seem honest, they seem loving, they seem genuine, they seem Normal, but underneith all of that, is a raging river. It is hard to articulate narcissism. My ex never said a foul word to me ever, he was never unhappy, he smiled 24 hrs. a day, as I said, he was salt and light. But under all of that was a raging river of emotion that he never spoke about. And if you asked him to talk about his feelings he would just say "I don't want to talk about it" Which in turn makes you feel like you are drama filled. You are the one with all of the problems. I actually noticed the narcissism in his mother first. She played the situation like a fiddle, she knew how to work every situation to her advantage to make sure he would eventually see me as "unfit" for him. I could talk about this for hours, but Its hard for me to do. I am still recovering and there is little suport for it. Just know if you feel less than someone else, its probably because they made sure you would in some way. I want you to really be thinking about that over the next few days. Did she make you feel not as good as her and how?

[Art_Critic]

I realize that I need more time...

 

 

That's cool Replicator.. We all have to know our limits..

 

How about next time you cancel the date and go do something for yourself and leave out the contacting the ex ?

 

Nothing wrong with not being ready to date but you didn't need to put yourself into the dumper by contacting her.. you felt worse...

[stlnsmile]

Kizik, I don't know why I think of her so highly. I guess she always seemed to have it together, and I always had the issues. She always planned everything, and sort of held us together through shaky times. Very thoughtful in everything she did, meticulous. I was immature, and I guess I credit her for a lot of things that I achieved, because she really pushed me to aim higher.

 

.

 

This is how I know your dealing with narcissim, what you said here, expecially the "meticulous, held everything together, pushed me to aim higher"...these are all examples of narcissim. When someone is pushing you to aim higher, well then obvioulsy they feel your aims are not high enough. Given a non narcissistic situation, it is not wrong to support someone you care about in aiming a bit higher, but when wrapped up in narcissm, it is a means to an end, a means to devalue you. I hear it once said if you want to be with a narcissist you better be "better than them", this is true. Because a narcissist could never be with someone they deem not as good as they are...and no one is as good as they are. Narcissist are meticulous, they forget NOTHING. They always make sure the perfect card is sent, or the perfect gift, but they don't send those cards and gifts out of love, they send them so they are socially perfect and viewed that way. They never make mistakes, not when it counts. I am just hearing narcissism in what you say and I really want you to look at this a lot and see if it is so for yourself.

[stlnsmile]

And I want to say, if you find in fact that you were dealing with narcissim, then you have a lot of recovery to do, and it is going to take a long time. Narcissism produces in its victims, narcissistic qualities. For example, I heard you say you had to "Pick up your game". Or something like that. Well interaction with a narcissist makes you feel like you are looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life making sure your "game" is good enough. You are hurt and sick now too:( I still question myself everyday...is my "game" good enough.

[northstar1]

That's cool Replicator.. We all have to know our limits..

 

How about next time you cancel the date and go do something for yourself and leave out the contacting the ex ?

 

Nothing wrong with not being ready to date but you didn't need to put yourself into the dumper by contacting her.. you felt worse...

 

Good advice - I realize I'm not mentally there to be dating yet - but I'm resisting contacting the ex - I know NOTHING good can come out of it.

[replicator]

And I want to say, if you find in fact that you were dealing with narcissim, then you have a lot of recovery to do, and it is going to take a long time. Narcissism produces in its victims, narcissistic qualities. For example, I heard you say you had to "Pick up your game". Or something like that. Well interaction with a narcissist makes you feel like you are looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life making sure your "game" is good enough. You are hurt and sick now too:( I still question myself everyday...is my "game" good enough.

 

I got up this morning, and thought yes, I am very sick at the moment. How do you get over someone when you can't rationalize why it had to end, and why I'm better off? I'm continually thinking it shouldn't have ended, and I'm worse off. You guys are making me see things differently, even ever so slightly, it makes a difference.

 

Ever since we broke up, I've been obsessed about improving myself, so I could be someone 'worthy'. I felt like I didn't make the grade somehow, and that is why I lost her.

 

I really never thought of her as a narcissist, i just saw her as stubborn, extremely driven, and ambitious. But yes, the way she was rubbed off on me too. I'm feeling like I constantly need to somehow step up the game. I always thought she had motivated me, but to what end I don't know.. She always wanted to be better than everyone else, and I guess I'm unconsciously following in her footsteps.

[kizik]

You need to get angry about not feeling good enough for her. About her always pushing you and pushing you and still being unsatisfied with you. You and I are in the same boat - 2 months post breakup, having dated narcissistic women - but the difference is that I do not feel unworthy. I am starting to regain myself and love myself again despite her constant undermining and challenging of me.

 

Once I said, "Man, I'm tired, I got up at 7" and she said

 

"Yeah well I got up at 5."

 

She always had "suggestions" for things I should be doing, criticisms for things I said. Even so far as almost picking out my grad school for me. Picking out, with the help of her PARENTS the apartment she and I were gonna live in.

 

This breakup is not about your faults. It's about her inability to be happy, and thinking she can control everything, including you and the way the world views her.

 

Go out and interact with "normal" people and see if they make you feel anything like the ex did. I can guarantee you they will be impressed or interested with your accomplishments, and non-judgmental. For your ex and mine, everything we did was always commonplace and could be improved by "just a few helpful suggestions" from them.

[replicator]

You need to get angry about not feeling good enough for her. About her always pushing you and pushing you and still being unsatisfied with you. You and I are in the same boat - 2 months post breakup, having dated narcissistic women - but the difference is that I do not feel unworthy. I am starting to regain myself and love myself again despite her constant undermining and challenging of me.

 

Once I said, "Man, I'm tired, I got up at 7" and she said

 

"Yeah well I got up at 5."

 

She always had "suggestions" for things I should be doing, criticisms for things I said. Even so far as almost picking out my grad school for me. Picking out, with the help of her PARENTS the apartment she and I were gonna live in.

 

This breakup is not about your faults. It's about her inability to be happy, and thinking she can control everything, including you and the way the world views her.

 

Go out and interact with "normal" people and see if they make you feel anything like the ex did. I can guarantee you they will be impressed or interested with your accomplishments, and non-judgmental. For your ex and mine, everything we did was always commonplace and could be improved by "just a few helpful suggestions" from them.

 

My god, that is funny.. She also pressured me to apply to grad school, and even got so far that i paid for the application, but never completed it. I remember her saying that it would prevent all sorts of problems down the road with her parents. I stood my ground and said no - I wasn't interested in it. I think back, and I know if I had, things could've been very different. But I couldn't let her choose my profession, even if I would have made more money.

[kizik]

I remember her saying that it would prevent all sorts of problems down the road with her parents.

 

Right, because what YOU do affects her parents' perception of her... she must not have a LOSER boyfriend.