I have become obsessed that I deserve unhappiness

[elle_cee_gee]

To cut a LONG story short. I was together with my ex for 6 years, had a child together, became unhappy as we were like brother and sister, I cared for him a lot but I wasn't 'in love' woth him (i know its a cliche, but it describes it perfectly) Left him, now together with someone else. We have been together over a year, I am so crazy in love with him, my son loves him, I feel he is my true *soulmate*. So much so that I gave up a good job, home, friends and family to move to Germany with him (He's German) He works, I (for the first time) am a 'homemaker' and am likely to continue to be until at least January next year.

 

My problem is, I love him so much, because I hurt my ex boyfriend by leaving him I have become obsessed that I deserve unhappiness, and that something terrible will happen. Everytime he leaves to go to work, or to see friends or to attend a course or whatever I feel as though my heart is breaking and I want to make him not leave, and feel like asking him to choose me over whatever it is he has to go to. I know this is pathetic, but I can't help feeling that something horrible may happen to him, or to me or my son or that he may find someone better than me. I know it's stupid but I can't help obsessing about it. I keep analysing it myself, and I know part of it is the isolation, 'cos I didn't feel this intense 'til we moved here, but it's driving me crazy. I'm so upset, I don't know what to do.

[Tony T]

Anything can happen to anybody anytime. First, you must stop associating your previous relationship and what happened there with your current situation. Your ex was romantically incompatible and you were absolutely correct to leave him. You did him a favor by releasing him to find someone who really loved him in a romantic way. You could not have lived that way with him forever.

 

Now, with your new husband, you have to realize that life always has risks. That's just the way it is. If you become obsessed with the negative everytime your husband leaves, you will drive yourself crazy. Trust in a higher power, your God, or whomever you feel is in charge of the universe to offer safety to your loved ones while they are away from you. Find some sort of spiritual root that will allow you to trust life to handle things they way they are supposed to be.

 

If this problem persists, see a psychologist who can help you reframe your thinking and get it away from this gloom and doom mode. A good counsellor should be able to help you feel a lot more comfortable with your husband going about his business...something everybody everywhere in the world does every single day...and most without incident.

[Curt]

I think Tony has given some fantastic advice here.

 

Keep the faith dear.

 

Curt

[elle_cee_gee]

Tony,

I joined loveshack first in haste to get my 'problem' down on paper to share, so to speak and have since read lots of other previous posts and was really impressed with your opinion on all of them, I was hoping you would reply to mine. That's freaky...

 

I know what you're saying, but my ex really did take it badly, even now I still have his broken hearted reaction in my mind (albeit alcohol fuelled :-|).

 

I know also that life is a catalogue of risks, and that everyone takes a huge risk just having a relationship, but you know sometimes the 'feeling' overtakes you and you submit? That's how I've felt recently, also I think you're right focusing on the ex-husband situation, cos I think that has lead to the feelings I am having, not so much the isolation of being away from family, friends etc. I have some unreolved issues I need to deal with I think...

Thank you very much

 

Sometimes you need someone wise to state the truth you already know inside....

 

bless

[my_mother's_daughter]

I think Tony's advice is on the button. Don't ever beat yourself up over something out of your control. You didn't love your ex husband. It's hard to deal with, and yes you would feel bad for ending a relationship, but you definitely did the right thing. Don't look back, please.

 

If this new man is the man for you, then let go of all guilt and make this work. Most of all, revel and bask in the love you are experiencing. I think the fear that you may lose him is absolutely related to the guilt you are still carrying, and this is pointless and in the end wil only hurt you and your *new* family.

 

Also, I think the move to another country has contributed, I know that Germany can take a little getting used to!!! depends though where you are. I live in Köln (Cologne), and there are many English speaking peoples here, so try to stop the isolation now, you have made your choice and you must now do your best to make it work. You said you will be able to seek employment in January, so there you have a timescale, you have until January to enjoy your freedom!!

 

What about all of you guys and girls out there reading this? Does the guilt of leaving an ex who loved you sound familar? Any words of wisdom here?

[Baldy]

I went through a very similar situation a number of years ago. It had nothing to do with a girlfriend but to do with thinking not only my family and friends will die, but also myself.

 

It started after my sister was killed going to work. After that I became obsessed with it. I mean I was thinking about it around 2000 times a day. That is NOT an exageration either!

 

This went on for nearly a year when I finaly got help through hypnotherapy. After several sessions I was back to releative normality. I was just worrying about people as everyone else does and not obsessing about it. I lost my father last year in a similar situation and I'm glad to say that the symptoms haven't returned... and hopefully they wont!

 

Try it, it may work for you!