How to do the talking when it's done

[TrustInYourself]

I'm really thinking that I can't handle any more of her indecisiveness. I need answers. I need to know that the way I feel isn't something being taken for granted.

 

If she can't decide on whether she wants to work on our marriage or get a divorce, I'm at the point where I can make the only decision that I can. I just wonder how I should talk to her about it, since it was her decision to move out and separate.

 

I want to make this work, at the same time, why bother with someone who doesn't care.

[Geishawhelk]

Now who's being indecisive?

 

Think about both options, but preface them with , "Well, I could....."

 

and see which one feels more logical.

It will probably hit you as a gut feeling, the one you feel most inclined to follow......

[Billy Bob]

I want to make this work, at the same time, why bother with someone who doesn't care.

 

I think you are starting to see the light! Don't bother asking the questions you think you need answers too... You will only get lies and half-truths. She has an agenda to get out of the relationship, otherwise she would be right at your side telling you she loved you, making the relationship work.

[dead-dyke]

Just tonight, after being separated for little better than a yr., I had this uncontrollable urge to call her and tell her to shiite or get off the pot. I didn't know how I was going to broach the subject, but I called anyway, after 6 mos. of NC.

 

To my surprise, she hadn't moved on it yet, and after the initial 60 sec. of awkwardness, she asked if thats what I wanted. I said,(not in a mean way, but more of an indifferance), since when does what I want, have to do w/ it?

 

Afterwards, we had a pleasant conversation, for almost an hour. I ended the convo. after I brought up the options again, and said she'll have to take time off work to get it started. She asked if I was in a hurry, and I said, no, I just wanted to know, cause I'm sick of looking for it in the mail. She said I'm in no hurry either cause I'm not getting married, so I'll try and have it done this summer.(I told her I wasn't paying for it in the beginning of the call).

 

I won't read into her non-action, for the very simple fact of what cta7978 stated. "otherwise she would be right at your side telling you she loved you, making the relationship work."

 

I don't know what my point is, but good luck to you.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm almost there dead. Almost. Not sure why I feel hesitation. She's gone. I'm emotionally spent. I don't even look forward to seeing her anymore. Wow.

[saraispiel19]

I don't even look forward to seeing her anymore. Wow.

 

 

bingo theres your answer!

 

 

If she's gone and/or comming back and forth (if so) it's a waste of your time. Like you said your "emotionally spent", she may want to get back together but may be scared?

 

what happened? was it infidelity? emotional and/or physical abuse? fiancial troubles..? there are so many reasons why and to pin point and see the cause of the destruction of your marriage is a key essential to learn how to move on and grow.

 

Good luck to you and I really hope you both part in a civilized and if possible friendly manner.

 

Keep us posted.

[SingleDad]

TIY - just take things one day at a time.

 

Don't be the one to file for a divorce - let your STBXW do it.

 

Remember your daughter... You do not want to have to explain to her later in life that you broke up the family and filed for a divorce because her mother was indecisive.

[SingleDad]

TIY - are you legally separated or is it a trial separation (she just left). When did she leave ?

 

You don't talk much about your daughter... What is your custody arrangement ?

[TrustInYourself]

Trial separation, nothing legal. We went to a lawyer and it was the exact same process and cost of a divorce, except after all the paperwork, you're still married.

 

We agreed on terms for custody. She gets the daughter 4 days, I get 3 days a week. Lately, we've been spending so much time together that I see my daughter daily. We've been trying to work things out, but for the most part it's her just saying and doing whatever she wants with me listening and trying to be understanding. She vents about the problems of the marriage, problems with me, how she feels frequently. I've yet to really get into my issues with the marriage for the sake of building up, pulling her back from her decision to divorce.

 

This strategy of complete giving is hard. I'm starting to see that my heart can not just give and give and give. I need someone who will appreciate me and my love. Even if I have my faults, problems, issues.

[SingleDad]

NY is a fault state - if you can't prove fault, the opt out is a legal separation - 12 month separation with all of the divorce terms spelled out. After 12 months either party can get a divorce with a piece of paper and not need other spouses' approval. The legal separation is still a legal document

 

Trial separation - is just living apart with out paperwork- nothing formal

 

Anyway - you have decent terms for custody.

 

As far as the hard work - who said marriage isn't hard work ... Giving giving giving and not expecting anything in return... Hopefully the other spouse is doing the same thing. Right now she is not... maybe she will in time... just do your best in an effort to save your marriage... if she leaves after you do all of that, you will at least know you did your best.

 

Currently I am in the NC phase - I am so upset that I do not want to hear her voice or see her - soon I will try to get back to the civility stage.

[TrustInYourself]

She's going to IC today to talk and sort out what she wants. She sent me a text message last night saying goodnight. I seriously did not want to text her back. I feel like any conversation we have is about making her feel better about our relationship. That sickens me.

 

I think I need space now to sort out how I feel. What's wrong with me. If she asked to move back in today, I'd say no. I like how I've become on my own. I enjoy how much I've changed for the better. I am a better person without her.

 

I've wondered this while married and now I think it's true. She holds me down and I'm sick of her treating me like a friend, like a liability. I've loved her for her dependency, openness, dedication to me, and the physical chemistry. I'm starting to wonder if any of that was real enough. I'm surprised and confused.

[SingleDad]

I don't see what is missing - friendship, intimacy, dedication... Seems great

 

Or is it that you prefer the excitment of the swinging bachelor lifestyle ?

 

I would prefer to be married, see my daughter each day, go to dinner, have a regular predictible lifestyle... with a little fun thrown in.

[TrustInYourself]

I don't see what is missing - friendship, intimacy, dedication... Seems great

 

Or is it that you prefer the excitment of the swinging bachelor lifestyle ?

 

I would prefer to be married, see my daughter each day, go to dinner, have a regular predictible lifestyle... with a little fun thrown in.

 

To be honest, I'm not sure anymore. I know when I'm out and about, I'm having fun, not worrying about anything. I'm in my natural state, meeting people, doing my thing. I feel good about myself. I feel confident and alive and free.

 

When I attempt to work on my marriage I feel sad, hurt, angry, and unloved. I feel like my wife wants to hurt me and make me pay for not being there.

 

Ok, well she just called me up. She finished her IC session and she feels a lot better. She said the counselor says that there is some hope for us. I think the main thing I got from our conversation together was a sense of relief from my wife. She sounds like she feels better about everything. I just listened. I'm not as bitter as when I started this post. I feel more calm and understanding, once again.

 

I'm not giving up, but I just can't handle a full week of contact and the pressure of bottling up my feelings, needs, love for the sake of her happiness. That's killing me and my love for her. I want to be there so she can heal, but damn, it's hard.

[TrustInYourself]

Ok so now what? 3 days and very minimal contact. Only regarding her counseling session and a few texts from her saying goodnight and one asking if "are you still awake?".

 

What the hell? Does she not know that talking to me as a friend is running my emotions through the ringer? I honestly do not feel up to agreeing that her feelings about our marriage are valid. I need time to just relax and regroup.

 

I'm annoyed. She made this decision because she was unhappy. How is that my fault!?

 

I'm pissed off that she keeps telling me she wants to work on it and then proceeds to tell me she doesn't feel anything for me.

 

I'm confused because every time we spend some time apart(1 week) she comes over and we get physical. What is she doing?! I have a feeling this weekend, we are going to get physical again and I'm just going to be left holding the emotional baggage.

 

Are we working on this damn marriage or what? If so, you need to move your ass back in here and work on it with me. I need to be able to communicate exactly what's on my mind. You need to feel free to communicate exactly what's on your mind. We need to be able to find peace together and happiness from our relationship. Love is a god damn choice, not some fairy tale feeling!!

 

Finally, if we moved and we were at a location where you could meet people and have family around, I have no doubt that you would miss me and love me again. It's not me that's the problem here, it's you. You blame me for all the damn problems in our marriage, when you didn't say a word to me. You just went on autopilot and blamed my gaming and lack of attention as the source of all our problems.

 

Screw that, I'm not the problem. You're the problem.

 

 

...............

 

Ahhhh..better. Ok now I can actually be civil and understanding. Let's hope when we meet today, I'm not a total prick. Thanks!

[TrustInYourself]

I just realized something. I have to wait this out for the sake of my daughter. I have to go through this until she finds out how she feels.

 

How blatantly unfair.

[dead-dyke]

It almost sounds worth it to give her this pages URL so she can read it herself. Almost.

[TrustInYourself]

Ok, thanks for getting to that. Should I just boil it all down for her? Should I give her this entire message short and sweet like a nice swig of antifreeze? I'll burn her soul out with my angst. Taste me, you treacherous whore.

[dead-dyke]

I'm not sure how to respond, other than to say I think I understand, that you'd be further ahead bashing your head against the wall.

 

Maybe it will take a complete meltdown for her to 'get it'.

 

Sorry.

[TrustInYourself]

It's okay. I'm just worked up at the moment. I had plenty of complete meltdowns during our marriage. That's "her" reasoning behind why we could not communicate.

 

I'm big on conflict, unfortunately. It boils down to the way my parents fought and how I interacted with my mother. She plows and yells and doesn't listen and to get through to her I had to do the same thing. Now when I talk to my wife, I find myself doing it. Yuck on my part.

[dead-dyke]

dead, hope is not lost for any situation. It's a matter of acceptance and a desire to change for the better. It has nothing to do with your wife. She has no power, even by making her decision, she's just escaping. I'm not perfect, no one is. At least by doing what I'm suggesting, you own the situation and understand the process and come out a winner either way.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

You told me this, and I'm pretty sure I am not the only one you've given this advice to. I've never told my story, but I remembered this. It was pretty inspirational, at least for me.

 

Granted, I'm not as invested as yourself, with your daughter, and all. So take what I say w/ a grain of salt. Sometimes it's hard to see the wood cause the g-damn trees are in the way. I think anyone who's been in a LTR has lost it a time or two on the SO. I'm sure she has lost it on you a time or two as well. It's life. That is also a big part of the reasoning I'm here as well. I really doubt that I'll get to prove to her that I understand that part of my problem in my marriage, and even months later, it took me a bit to learn to bite my tongue instead of just poppin' the vain. I've never laid a hand on her, just as I'm positive you haven't on your wife. IDK, hopefully in time, she will understand her actions towards you. At this point it sounds more like wishful thinking, but at least 1 of you hasn't completely given up.

 

My wife's off in LA-LA land somewhere. Your wife at least will have a reason to see the extent of your effort. If it's not for the trees, that is.

[TrustInYourself]

Yeah, no doubt. She's here now sleeping in my bed. Long story. I'll save it for tommorrow sometime.

[Shin0bi1]

Yo man she has no clue what she wants. And she is somehow processing this crap but not keeping you in the loop and its her way of controlling you...sooo.. here is the deal homey... while she is doing this and this can take a very very long time... you just move on dude and if you want keep a door open for her. Just do stuff and move on with your life.

 

Just be happy knowing you are not sitting at home being miserable man. Go work out 3 times a week and build your self-confidence while getting your stress out. If you meet girls man, date the and have fun. She don't have to know about your private life and she has no interest in being in it but just holding on to you so let her deal with it. You will find out really quick if you are worth fighting for on her side. Of'course you can't be bogus about it but women can pick up crap fast without you having to spell it out for them. Let her actually start thinking in the mornings or friday nights if you are thinking about her and if you are losing interest and if you are going to find someone else for a change. All this attention whoring and keeping you in a disgusted loop around her finger is empowering her in the wrong way.

 

Now I'm not saying you should get an immediate divorce and get all pissed off on her... but her indeciveness will take a long time man and don't wait around imho. Who knows, you might actually find someone better out there or she might actually realize that she is taking you for granted and need to get her act together ASAP.

 

Personally, the happier you are, the better for your daughter man. So date dude and hang out with friends. Don't respond to her calls immediately...unless it is daughter related. The only hard part is not to have sex with girls you date with. Just keep it strictly "I just want to meet new people and friends" attitude and you are all good. Buy new clothes, smile a lot, be fun, and be like a man and take charge of your own life. Feel good about yourself!

 

Now as far as her staying the night over the weekend hehehe that could complicate things! ;-)

 

Hang in there and just keep doing your thing one step/day at a time!

 

And oh yeah one more thing... you will never ever get a decisions from a woman especially if you rush her. She will just end of switching off the blame to you that you are the one that wanted the separation/divorce. You have the right to know where you stand obviously but you will never hear the words you want to hear from her. I know if she did this that would drive you more crazy because then you will start thinking it is your fault for hastily being angered and impatient with her.

 

It will be a never ending cycle homey and sersiously, I'm trying to spare you from that. She is being indecisive. while she is doing this you need to go seek happiness while she twiddles her thumbs. When she comes around which can take 6-12 months from now, I know F'n ridiculous, you will have the control in your life in the sense if having her back in your life is good for you. Having options is always a good thing my friend.

 

Seriously dude...its summer time... there is a lot of eye candy out there lol!

 

 

-Shin0bi1

 

 

P.S. - I dropped 3 inch waists, look more build, getting more compliments, getting my life together, having a great time with my son, meeting new friends, got a new girlfriend, saving money, spending money on myself, living life, doing things i couldnt do before, setting up new goals, being happy about discovering who i am everyday, getting good sleep, partying it up, flirting with females, eating steaks a lot, etc.. seriously I thank my stbxw everyday for making me understand that i was miserable with her and that i finally have my life back now.

[dead-dyke]

Shin0bi1-

 

That is pretty damn insightful. You seem wise.

[SingleDad]

Sorry to sound old-fashioned, but how does one justify in their own mind dating and having sexual relations with other people when they are still legally married to their spouse (regardless of their spouse's actions)... both doing wrong does not make it right - it just puts the nail in the coffin to the marriage... (I'd call legal separation more like a coma with a small chance of survival). It is still adultery by all definitions - and could come around to bite you.

 

So then the concept is moving on in platonic relationships only, right ? How then does a separated person who is longing to be held and loved again manage to keep a relationship platonic ? Not likely !!!

 

Quite a conundrum !!!

[dead-dyke]

single dad -

 

I 100% agree w/ you on all your points. God knows I'm goin through it as well, minus the dad part.

What I got from shinobi 1 is, the wife will continue to vacillate back and forth, and the only one suffering is the partner. What he is saying, at least if I understand correctly, is get on w/ it, and he didn't say bang anybody, but show her you're moving on. Maybe this will straighten out her indecisiveness. If not, he would be better prepared, and on his way to happiness in the event she gets off her ass, and makes a decision. Everything is easier said than done, I know, I'm living it too. But I agree that this would drive anyone crazy. When you made a commitment, you intended to stick w/ it, right? What the hell gives these women the right, to f**k w/ our heads like this? It seems to me, that in today's society, there needs to be some reminders of what marriage, and commitment are about. Not a damn honkey-dorey ferris wheel ride, and when you've had enough, get off, no matter who you destroy in the process. DON'T GET MARRIED is what I say to these women. I'm so sick of reading the same goddamn scenario time and time again. She needs to realize that the children suffer because of her decision too, you know?

 

Believe it or not, the world does not necessarily revolve around them.

 

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hi-jack, and for you women out there, I realize there are guys just as wishy washy.