How to do the talking when it's done

[SingleDad]

DD - Thanks - I agree - we are in a conundrum.

 

Yet the conundrum is much more complex when there is a young child involved. The committment is ten-fold more complex. Our daughter will be passed back and forth between us three times a week for the next 15 years or so until college. I cannot just forget about my daughter's mother when there will be required comunication several times each week for years and years to come.

 

Divorce without kids - you can just write the Ex off and start a new relationship - and may never see the Ex again.

 

With a child there are schedules, committments, communications with the other parent, moral standards to instill in your child - the Ex will be in my life for a couple of decades at least... Because of these interactions, there is more likely a chance of getting back together with her than with anyone else.

 

That is why I see the NC so difficult - that just puts a nail in the cofffin... My best chance is build myself up independently, maintain a high moral standard and learn patience... someone has to be the pillar !!!

[dead-dyke]

SD- I just want you to understand............

 

I am in no way, minimizing the situation w/ kids. I have dated a couple of women w/ kids before I got married. I understand the obstacles you may potentially be in for. I too cannot just forget about my stbxw, because I still love her. That's why I married her. And I might add, we were persuing the children rd., as well. Thank god for us, it hadn't happened yet, for both of ours, and potential childs' sake. Yes, it's easier to write off, you're correct. But that's not what I married her for. This was my first marriage, and god willing, my last. The last thing I want to do is open myself up to a world of hurt again, because of her betrayal. I find my outlook on marriage in general anymore, to be unhealthy, to say the least. Evidently, the 1, was in fact, not.

 

I hope she finds the grass greener over there. Eventually, it gets brown, and dies too. Not my problem anymore. So yes, compared to you, and TIY, I have gotten a get outta jail free card. I know, that in the real world, NC cannot ever realistically work for you guys, and others in your position. As far as moral standards? My dad and mom actually were married till death do they part, thick, and thin. My dad is remarried now, and happy. He deserves it. What I don't understand, is why, and I have followed your threads as well, - again, is why do you have to be the only one trying to instill strong moral character into your daughter? Why only you? Whats wrong w/ the wife? It's too hard? If she thinks this 'partnership' is too hard, wait till she gets divorced. (and I truly hope it works out for both of you, in a way that is beneficial for all involved)

 

I am not insulting your wife, but it kills me to always hear of the big bad man that ruined my life stories, when it is only a warped version of their truth through their eyes. Now being abusive, whether it be verbally, mentally, or physically, is 100% unacceptable. That's when I say get out of the marriage. Other than that, if there are slow downs, setbacks, little rifts - talk about them, and deal w/ them. People get stronger for what doesn't kill them, and relationships are supposed to strengthen through time. Not the other way around. It can't always be happy, it is impossible.

 

You are the pillar in your marriage right now. And hopefully, she will come to her senses, and join you. But you seem to be preparing for the worst, which is all you can do. Hope for the best, expect the worst.

 

Again, the last thing I want to do is offend you guys. It might not be 100%, but I'm pretty sure some experience has led me to a microcosm of understanding.

[SingleDad]

My STBXW is claiming that she cannot live in a loveless marriage and cannot let our daughter growing up seeing parents who do not love each other - she refuses to stay together for our daughter's sake. The truth is that I do love my Wife - maybe I show it in ways she doesn't understand - committment, respect, being the provider, stable enviroment, things I did for her, etc.

 

She expected marriage to be a perpetual courtship where I would dote over her everyday - "fantasyland" - sorry the reality of life and responsibilities and chores interfers with the fantasy life. She was raised in a divorced family where her father would do whatever she wanted during his visitation time. Ex just got used to having her way - and expected everything to be done her way in raising our daughter. Unfortunately for our marriage, my desire to have a say in raising our daughter interfered with her control over our daughter - pushing us apart.

 

Not only do I love my wife, but I love my daughter who has no say in the matter. I have been sticking up for what is right for her as well.

 

I'm convinced that everything my STBXW has said is all lies and there is some other motive (an OM?). I may never know for sure. Currently, I only know what town she lives in with my daughter for the last couple of weeks. At some point she will need to tell me - I haven't even asked yet where she lives (an overt way of saying I can live with out her ?).

 

My STBXW has always had high morals - until they didn't work for her. I am hoping she comes to her senses, but until then i can only try to maintain my strength, keep up some level of hope and pray that everything works out well, one way or another.

[dead-dyke]

" My STBXW is claiming that she cannot live in a loveless marriage and cannot let our daughter growing up seeing parents who do not love each other - she refuses to stay together for our daughter's sake. The truth is that I do love my Wife - maybe I show it in ways she doesn't understand - commitment, respect, being the provider, stable environment, things I did for her, etc.

 

She expected marriage to be a perpetual courtship where I would dote over her everyday - "fantasy land" - sorry the reality of life and responsibilities and chores interferes with the fantasy life. She was raised in a divorced family where her father would do whatever she wanted during his visitation time. Ex just got used to having her way - and expected everything to be done her way in raising our daughter. Unfortunately for our marriage, my desire to have a say in raising our daughter interfered with her control over our daughter - pushing us apart"

 

Case closed.

[Shin0bi1]

single dad -

 

I 100% agree w/ you on all your points. God knows I'm goin through it as well, minus the dad part.

What I got from shinobi 1 is, the wife will continue to vacillate back and forth, and the only one suffering is the partner. What he is saying, at least if I understand correctly, is get on w/ it, and he didn't say bang anybody, but show her you're moving on. Maybe this will straighten out her indecisiveness. If not, he would be better prepared, and on his way to happiness in the event she gets off her ass, and makes a decision.

 

 

dead dyke,

 

that's exactly what I am saying. Never sit on the side lines of your own life and wait for things to happen to you. It's all about being proactive now instead of just reacting to the situations that you are forced upon. Perception is a powerful thing and I am challenging TIY to take this opportunity, yes opportunity, to discover what makes him happy and soul search it. I know exactly what he is going through, so do we all for that matter, but I am highly encouraging him to take action in regards to his own life and daughter. Never wait on someone's indecisiveness because in the end you are only get bitter because that STBX will most likely move on to the "greener pasture" on the other side.

 

There is nothing worse than feeling bitter, used, stupid, idiotic, etc.. for

giving someone you thought you trusted in the "benefit of the doubt" and now reality has hit you and that the fantasy is over. Before you know it, you now have to fight for your parenting rights for the sake of your daughter/son not to mention getting screwed over financially. Absolutely horrible realities might happen so I am preparing TIY of what could happen.

 

It's like allowing someone to drive your car called life recklessly while you sit in the passenger seat and can do nothing about it.

 

The realities is he is separated from his wife and not sure if the marriage can work out. I am not saying to cheat on his wife or anything like that but also reminding him that opportunities, good ones too, can come by during this moment of time and to keep his options open.

 

-Shin0bi1

[n9688m]

Sorry to sound old-fashioned, but how does one justify in their own mind dating and having sexual relations with other people when they are still legally married to their spouse (regardless of their spouse's actions).

 

I don't know about your state but the law doesn't see it that way in all states.

 

In some states for example, adultery is "fault" grounds for a divorce except that is NOT true if the adultery happens after separation.

[TrustInYourself]

I appreciate the responses. Allow me a second to properly reply to all the great information and perspective provided.

 

I've been a bit busy with life lately. July 4th holiday and all that jazz.

[TrustInYourself]

Yo man she has no clue what she wants. And she is somehow processing this crap but not keeping you in the loop and its her way of controlling you...sooo.. here is the deal homey... while she is doing this and this can take a very very long time... you just move on dude and if you want keep a door open for her. Just do stuff and move on with your life.

 

Just be happy knowing you are not sitting at home being miserable man. Go work out 3 times a week and build your self-confidence while getting your stress out. If you meet girls man, date the and have fun. She don't have to know about your private life and she has no interest in being in it but just holding on to you so let her deal with it. You will find out really quick if you are worth fighting for on her side. Of'course you can't be bogus about it but women can pick up crap fast without you having to spell it out for them. Let her actually start thinking in the mornings or friday nights if you are thinking about her and if you are losing interest and if you are going to find someone else for a change. All this attention whoring and keeping you in a disgusted loop around her finger is empowering her in the wrong way.

 

Now I'm not saying you should get an immediate divorce and get all pissed off on her... but her indeciveness will take a long time man and don't wait around imho. Who knows, you might actually find someone better out there or she might actually realize that she is taking you for granted and need to get her act together ASAP.

 

Personally, the happier you are, the better for your daughter man. So date dude and hang out with friends. Don't respond to her calls immediately...unless it is daughter related. The only hard part is not to have sex with girls you date with. Just keep it strictly "I just want to meet new people and friends" attitude and you are all good. Buy new clothes, smile a lot, be fun, and be like a man and take charge of your own life. Feel good about yourself!

 

Now as far as her staying the night over the weekend hehehe that could complicate things! ;-)

 

Hang in there and just keep doing your thing one step/day at a time!

 

And oh yeah one more thing... you will never ever get a decisions from a woman especially if you rush her. She will just end of switching off the blame to you that you are the one that wanted the separation/divorce. You have the right to know where you stand obviously but you will never hear the words you want to hear from her. I know if she did this that would drive you more crazy because then you will start thinking it is your fault for hastily being angered and impatient with her.

 

It will be a never ending cycle homey and sersiously, I'm trying to spare you from that. She is being indecisive. while she is doing this you need to go seek happiness while she twiddles her thumbs. When she comes around which can take 6-12 months from now, I know F'n ridiculous, you will have the control in your life in the sense if having her back in your life is good for you. Having options is always a good thing my friend.

 

Seriously dude...its summer time... there is a lot of eye candy out there lol!

 

 

-Shin0bi1

 

 

P.S. - I dropped 3 inch waists, look more build, getting more compliments, getting my life together, having a great time with my son, meeting new friends, got a new girlfriend, saving money, spending money on myself, living life, doing things i couldnt do before, setting up new goals, being happy about discovering who i am everyday, getting good sleep, partying it up, flirting with females, eating steaks a lot, etc.. seriously I thank my stbxw everyday for making me understand that i was miserable with her and that i finally have my life back now.

 

Shin, it's awesome to hear from you. We started out around the same time on this change in our lives. I'm happy to hear from you, bro.

 

I totally agree. This is an oppurtunity! There's nothing to be sad about or to be angry over. I am now from a perspective where I am happy that all this has happened. How else could I have grown so much and truly understood what I want and who I really am. It's a matter of perspective and a chance for growth. I appreciate the encouragement and I think you and I are on the exact same road to rebirth.

 

I've also gotten in good shape, reconnected with old buddies, went out and met people, enjoyed life to the fullest without worrying about what my wife is doing or thinking. It's liberating and it allows you a moment to realize what's really important in your life. Right now I'm happy. I don't need anyone or anything to make myself happy. It's awesome to just believe and love yourself and be truly happy with yourself.

 

I think that's the major change. I'm more secure and happy with who I am. My confidence is up. My self image and sense of self is stronger than ever. After years of marriage and all the problems that come with it, I lost a sense of who I truly was. I think we all encounter this, sacrificing and giving to a marriage forces us to give up some of who we are.

 

LOL, eye-candy. No doubt. I'm going to Hawaii to visit my brothers end of July. It's going to be intense. Thanks for the response and feedback. Don't be a stranger!

[TrustInYourself]

Sorry to sound old-fashioned, but how does one justify in their own mind dating and having sexual relations with other people when they are still legally married to their spouse (regardless of their spouse's actions)... both doing wrong does not make it right - it just puts the nail in the coffin to the marriage... (I'd call legal separation more like a coma with a small chance of survival). It is still adultery by all definitions - and could come around to bite you.

 

So then the concept is moving on in platonic relationships only, right ? How then does a separated person who is longing to be held and loved again manage to keep a relationship platonic ? Not likely !!!

 

Quite a conundrum !!!

 

I'm not sure it's old fashioned. That's good moral sense to want to stay true to your wife. I totally agree with that statement. However I don't think dating leads to an end to your marriage. Perhaps you should ask your wife if she plans on dating and her thoughts on you dating. That should give you more perspective on what this separation means to your wife and give you some room to maneuver.

 

Something that I've gathered from your posts SD is that you really want to hold your marriage together at all costs. If you want to succeed you're going to have to change. Change is what your wife wants and demands. She doesn't respect your effort to hold onto the marriage, then stop holding on. You want her back? Recognize what you have been doing and what isn't working and make the changes.

 

Have you been reading books? Relationship, self improvement, life matters, etc? Let's get into some details and we can discuss things if you want.

 

My point is, you have to step back and evaluate. Also I laughed about your platonic statement. Do you hit home runs on the first date, buddy? If so, I congratulate you for being manly as hell.

[TrustInYourself]

single dad -

 

I 100% agree w/ you on all your points. God knows I'm goin through it as well, minus the dad part.

What I got from shinobi 1 is, the wife will continue to vacillate back and forth, and the only one suffering is the partner. What he is saying, at least if I understand correctly, is get on w/ it, and he didn't say bang anybody, but show her you're moving on. Maybe this will straighten out her indecisiveness. If not, he would be better prepared, and on his way to happiness in the event she gets off her ass, and makes a decision. Everything is easier said than done, I know, I'm living it too. But I agree that this would drive anyone crazy. When you made a commitment, you intended to stick w/ it, right? What the hell gives these women the right, to f**k w/ our heads like this? It seems to me, that in today's society, there needs to be some reminders of what marriage, and commitment are about. Not a damn honkey-dorey ferris wheel ride, and when you've had enough, get off, no matter who you destroy in the process. DON'T GET MARRIED is what I say to these women. I'm so sick of reading the same goddamn scenario time and time again. She needs to realize that the children suffer because of her decision too, you know?

 

Believe it or not, the world does not necessarily revolve around them.

 

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hi-jack, and for you women out there, I realize there are guys just as wishy washy.

 

Hah, there are some guys out there that laugh at commitment and spit in the face of marriage. I was one of them.

 

It's about empowerment. It's about taking control of the situation, instead of being a victim or a survivor. You are the victor and the ultimate champion. You want to be happy? You want to be strong? Make yourself happy. Make yourself strong.

 

Do not be afraid of change or moving on. Your wife that moved out should be afraid of you moving on and changing for the better. Why? Because it's her loss! LOL!

 

Once you realize that, then you are in control and you are the one driving your car on the road of life and love. Not your wife. YOU! It feels pretty good too.

[dead-dyke]

Hah, there are some guys out there that laugh at commitment and spit in the face of marriage. I was one of them.

 

It's about empowerment. It's about taking control of the situation, instead of being a victim or a survivor. You are the victor and the ultimate champion. You want to be happy? You want to be strong? Make yourself happy. Make yourself strong.

 

Do not be afraid of change or moving on. Your wife that moved out should be afraid of you moving on and changing for the better. Why? Because it's her loss! LOL!

 

Once you realize that, then you are in control and you are the one driving your car on the road of life and love. Not your wife. YOU! It feels pretty good too.

 

I'm glad everything's starting to look up for ya.Let me tell you, I wish I found these boards before I got hitched. Maybe I wouldn't have been so naive. All the old guys, and so on, are always like, 'don't do it man, you'll be sorry.'

 

Learn the hard way, story of my life. You are right though.... To bad it took all this to realize it. It took a while, but the empowerment is gettin' there. My car's a piece o' s**t, but I'm getting a new 1.

[TrustInYourself]

Don't do it, haha. It can be rewarding I guess. I know single life is more fun. Haha.

 

I'm in a very silly mood lately. I am trying to stay away from giving advice until it passes.

[TrustInYourself]

Feeling sadness. Loneliness. I'm hurting and I thought I was over all this. I guess not.

[LostHusband]

That's why its called a rollercoaster! Don't forget to put your arms up in the air over each hill - WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee!

[TrustInYourself]

I'm done. I told her I needed a decision today. I got a decision I knew was coming since she left me. I'm getting a divorce.

 

It hurts a bit, but I'm numb also. I'm scared. I'm worried if this is the right decision. I still love her, but I make her unhappy. I guess I knew this was coming but resisted.

 

Right now the hope inside is killing me. I want this love gone. Out of me. I want this ****ing hope gone. I want to feel normal again. No more sadness.

 

Please tell me I will feel good about my life some day.

[lovely81]

Yes you'll be ok!! It will get way better than you can ever conceive of now. You did the right thing (I've been following your story although I never posted).

[TrustInYourself]

I'm feeling rough and raw. I'm here in my house alone. Imagine my mental state. Ugh.

[TrustInYourself]

And why am I so damn angry!??? Haha, this is ridiculous!

[lovely81]

During these times of intense emotions, TV and take out worked for me. A few months in, I got into going out, improving myself etc., but in the beginning those were REALLY good distractions. Don't be afraid to indulge, try to give your mind a break from thinking about it.

[TrustInYourself]

I've been trying. I went out for a bit but I just don't feel like shopping or doing anything. I'm not watching tv, no cable or satelite. I guess I could force myself to go lift weights and clean house. I'm trying to pretend to be happy atm. I don't know why I am sliding so far back into emotional frame of mind.

 

I want to call her and beg her to forgive me. Why would I want to do something so dumb? Why? I hate this feeling. Ugh I'm so angry with this whole situation. I'm trying to just be positive. It's hard.

[TrustInYourself]

And she just called me to tell me she broke her nose and I need to watch our daughter while she goes to the ER. Great. ****ing great. Time to go get my heart ripped out some more.

[TrustInYourself]

Here I am, caring for our daughter in my wifes apartment. She asked if I wanted to take her home with me or to watch her here in her place. I said here in her place.

 

Shes at the ER and I wish I could be there with her. I want to be there for her when she comes back. I think she will invite me to stay the night and I know I should probably leave, but for some reason, I dont want to...

 

See what I mean. I am an idiot. A sucker for pain and I must love it.

[LostHusband]

At least you are helping out and being there - a broken nose sounds terrible. Try not to focus on how bad you feel, just be glad you are there taking care of your daughter while your wife is going through what sounds like a mess. It's still ok to care about her health and well being so don't let it upset you that you are feeling things for her. You'll feel better if everyone gets through everything ok and things get back to being more "normal" whatever that means anymore.

[TrustInYourself]

I got out of there. I'm proud of myself. I walked out and I know she wanted me to stay. I told her I had to go because I wanted to stay. I have to stick to my guns.

[SingleDad]

TIY - so sorry to hear the separation has become divorce talk. I guess we all need to know that our separations are just a pre-divorce step.

 

Ex will appreciate that you will be her babysitter at a moments notice. We are good that way. They can have their cake and eat it too - not fair. Why do they always seem to get everything they want ?

 

My STBXW now owns a better home than she could ever have owned on her own and I will be efffectively paying her mortgage and RE taxes for the next 19 years (child support is like a 2nd mortgage on a second home for my daughter). And I honestly feel STBXW could not handle our daughter everyday (she's not a stay at home type) - this gives her 3 days off every week. So she can F*** her boyfriend (no confirmation one exists - but I am assuming there is), unload her daughter, have a babysitter on call at a moments notice(me), Keep $100k of my money and gets paid $14k per year for next 19 years. The incentive for her to divorce is overwhelming in her mind.

 

P.S. TIY don't you ever sleep - or is that a result of the separation/divorce ?