Author TrustInYourself Posted July 14, 2008 Author Share Posted July 14, 2008 Hah, sleep. That would be nice. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 The incentive for her to divorce is overwhelming in her mind. Do you thinik her overall financial situation is better without you now or with you? Equitable distribution and child support may well make divorce feasible, but in just about any divorce it is inevitable that both parties take a financial hit compared with married life. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 STBXW will have higher disposable income after her second home and household expenses than marrried. I now have significantly less disposable income. Her disposable income will be about twice mine - until I pay off the debt I took on to pay her off in about 5 years. She is in a much better financial situation divorced from me than she would have been not marrying me 3.5 years ago. Smart move on her part to get married and have a kid with me. She would not have been able to afford the $200k house plus me paying her to cover her mortgage. She would have been in a condo or $100k house. But my net worth will grow much quicker than hers (if both single). Though I think she would have gotten $20k+ net more lump sum for each year she stayed married to me Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 STBXW will have higher disposable income after her second home and household expenses than marrried. (1) I am not sure I understand this - can you explain? (2) Why did you agree to this and not mediate it or litigate it further? Do I recall some post of yours where you gave her a generous settlement in the hopes that you would get together? If so, I think that was a bad move - is it all final or can this be renegotiated before it proceeds from separation to divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 Not really generous in light of NYS laws. $100k lump sum was a lot less than her attorney was fighting for. Our net worth grew well during our marriage. So I'm not truly complaining about the pay-out... The problem is that my assets (retirement, business interest, and home) all all illiquid assets. Either sell or borrow against them. Ex had contributed $1,000 toward joint a/c during marriage to cover small portion of the joint mortgage and utilities. That has stopped. She always used her own money to pay for daughters' clothes, etc. Plus now I am paying $1,133 per month child support plus 65% daycare and 50% other expenses. Her new house payment plus taxes and utilities and 35% daycare is less than the $2,133 cash. Yet my monthly expenses have gone up by $1,133 child support, no more of her $1,000 contribution, $572 daycare, plus $500 mo. interest on loan to pay her off. The child support and daycare I have to pay is the required amount under NYS law for our situation. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 Plus legal fees for 2 mos. was $10,000 before any terms were even discussed. If I fought divorce or terms of divorce settlement the legal costs would likely be $50k -$100k more to the attorney's. I figure $5k per month to drag out the inevitable. Then neither or us would be able to afford to own houses. I believe I got better terms and better off than fighting in court. Joint legal and physical custody, 3 overnights with daughter per week, proper child support that counts my salary only and not business interest, she waived any interest in my business, I keep the house and the 4.75% mortgage, etc. And we agreed to a legal separation instead of divorce - in my mind that gives me 12 mos. for her to realize her mistake (or at least understand what it is like to be a single parent for a year before she can trigger a divorce). Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 14, 2008 Author Share Posted July 14, 2008 Hah, I don't think they ever change their minds regarding divorce. Once they think it's the answer, then you are at their mercy forever. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 Not really generous in light of NYS laws. OK I can understand the reasons for settling there. Except the separation. I think frankly it's harmful rather than helpful now because it seems to be giving you false hope and delaying your healing process for a year. And even if she somehow did a 180 and turned around, do you really think you could undo the mistrust and other feelings that have occured now? Once the legal process starts, reconciliation is extraordinarily rare. Maybe you will eventually find a stepmom for your daughter which will help the process by the way. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 For one thing, I was still in shock about the divorce and expected that her actions were purely emotional and not rational. Second, NY is a fault state. She would either need to prove that "I was cuel and inhumane" to her or I would have to admit that I was in writing for her to get the divorce. I would not want my daughter thinking the divorce was my fault. Finally I do not want a divorce. I wasn't going to agree to it in mediation. I want my daughter to know years from now that I did everything possible to keep the family together. And yes it makes the pain of a divorce less catastrophic by calling it a separation - I was in excrutiating agony during this process. The 1 year delay does offer hope and made it easier to cope... provides a period of denial during which I can learn to cope with the reality. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 Second, NY is a fault state. She would either need to prove that "I was cuel and inhumane" to her or I would have to admit that I was in writing for her to get the divorce. Or she could have admitted that she ws cruel and inhumane. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 14, 2008 Author Share Posted July 14, 2008 I read this and I want to marry you next SingleDad. That's some nice security you are providing for her. If only a woman I know would be happy and willing to do the same for me. Hahahahaha..oh god, how insane. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I read this and I want to marry you next SingleDad. That's some nice security you are providing for her. If only a woman I know would be happy and willing to do the same for me. Hahahahaha..oh god, how insane. TIY - your turning into one of us a-hole negative realists??? Finally see the light? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 15, 2008 Author Share Posted July 15, 2008 I'm not sure. I'm at a point where I just don't want to think about any of this. It's on my mind more than it should be and it's driving me crazy. I'd rather just relax and enjoy myself for a bit. I'm tired of trying to convince or convey love. I just want to chill. I'm going to have to force myself to do a divorce if I do it anytime soon. I'm not as strong as some of you other guys I guess. I can't just disconnect yet. Perhaps with some time I can. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 TIY - I am probably the only one to say it - don't be the one to file the divorce. You truly love your wife and daughter. Leave the divorce action to the STBXW. Just be sure to protect yourself. Be able to know in your heart that you did everything you could to save your marriage... and your daughter will someday learn the truth. You need to be strong and persevere through this rough time, and don't be the one to end the marraige. I need at least one other person in this world to do the right thing by their child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 15, 2008 Author Share Posted July 15, 2008 LOL! I'm trying man. It hurts. Just fighting these feelings. These ridiculous feelings of loss and anger and resentment. I handled them easily before by telling myself with time, things could change. The problem is I put a timeline on this process when it first started. I've hit my deadline of 3 months. The point where I said, this is where I give up hope and move on for my own sake. You have 12 months right? Be prepared for 12 months to arrive and the situation to be exactly the same. I'm at 3 months and I just knew that something would change. Nothing has changed. Nothing. So, now I'm trying to figure out what I should do. I told myself that 3 months was the point where I start to realize that maybe this isn't going to work. I want to love my wife, but I have to...absolutely have to love myself first. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I need at least one other person in this world to do the right thing by their child. Delaying a divorce action in a home without the affection expected of husband/wife is not helping a child or setting an example of a functioning marriage. Filing for divorce will cause the other spouse to either wake up and fix the problem or end the marriage so both people can go on to form healthy relationships which are an example to the child. Counseling and saving a marriage is great when both people want to do so. But deferring action when one person doesn't want to work on the marriage isn't healthy for either spouse nor for kids. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 TIY - you cannot give up after 3 months - that is not perseverence. You have been married for years and have a 2 yo daughter. I am not under the illusion that this process will be over in weeks or months... it could be years before our Ex's learn the severity of their mistakes as our daughters grow up. We both need to be strong for ourselves... we need to socialize with other people and get out and learn to have fun for ourselves. All I am saying is keep some shread of hope and keep open the possibility of your Ex back in your life. At this point of owning separate homes, I believe any reconciliation would be limited to spending maybe an evening once a week together with our daughter as a family... and years of trying to build from there. Not ideal I know... But I do know that if I start sleeping around I close off even that remote possibility of reconciliation. Fortunately (at almost 40) I no longer have raging hormones - I am just lonely. Next month I'll be over the hill and I will certainly have a mid life crisis thanks to my STBXW !!! Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Who ever said marriages are always properly functioning ? Marriages are for Better or for Worse... not "for until things aren't functioning properly". Marriages are not glamorous... they are for two people who agree at the outset to work though life and life's hardships together abd raise a family together. Marriages are supposed to be well beyond a trial dating relationship where one person can merely call it off. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Who ever said marriages are always properly functioning ? Marriages are for Better or for Worse... not "for until things aren't functioning properly". Marriages are not glamorous... they are for two people who agree at the outset to work though life and life's hardships together abd raise a family together. Marriages are supposed to be well beyond a trial dating relationship where one person can merely call it off. The key word there is two people. Your marriage as you describe it has only one person interested in it. That's not a good example to set for your daughter. Yes, a stable nuclear family would be best for your daughter - no doubt about it. I am in the same boat and would have preferred that. But that clearly isn't going to happen in my case or yours - because that takes TWO people who are interested. If you want to set the example to your daughter of the value of a stable, committed relationship then the best thing you can do now is to begin dating and eventually remarry so she has a stepmom. Your daughter is young enough that if you remarry in a few years that stepmom will become every bit as important to your daughter's life as her biological mom. It's not optimum but that's the best you can do for your daughter now. Setting the example of a pseudo-marriage where you pretend to be a family once a week with your ex is not healthy and does not set an example to your daughter of what marriage is really about. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 That simple Huh ? Just go out and find a Stepmom ! I am nor sure I would ever want to re-marry if it is that easy to end it and destroy lives. I am not divorced yet. I am still married. I still made a committment and I plan to do everything to stick to it.. If the marriage cannot be saved and ends in divorce because my STBXW files a divorce, then the legal and moral circumstances change. A legal separation last 12 months in NY legally for a reason and is a fault state for a reason... hopefully to save the marriage or at least be sure first. I don't believe in owning guns for the very reason that emotional overreaction can lead to people dying and the person with the gun in jail for the rest of their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 It's not easy for sure. And by all means it would be terrific for you to reconcile as you hope. But I haven't found a single post in these forums of someone in a situation like yours or mine where reconciliation has in fact occurred. I suppose anything is possible, but I don't see any reason why delaying your life will reduce your odds of reconciliation - if anything you might increase your odds of reconciliation by dating when your STBXW realizes you are not so available and she might lose you. Sure you could just decide never to remarry. That's your choice. I thought about that and I concluded that if I take that route, then my STBXW has ruined both my past and my future. I'm not going to let them happen - my future is up to me, not to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 15, 2008 Author Share Posted July 15, 2008 There is a question that I can face or I can ignore. Why should I continue to hold onto our marriage when my wife chooses to leave it behind? If I face it, I must move on for myself. If I ignore it, eventually I must move on for myself. All roads lead to the same path. Moving on, it's just a matter of time. Do I rush into it, with these emotions still burning in my heart. Or do I wait until I feel nothing, until she has completely and utterly destroyed everything inside of my heart and soul. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 15, 2008 Author Share Posted July 15, 2008 That's not entirely true either. There is hope. There is a chance. Right now, she has her emotional wall up protecting her heart from hurt/me. That wall will not go down without time and patience and understanding on my part. The only problem is that eventually my walls will go up as well. At that point, we are both screwed. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Where is the story where such a situation has turned around and gotten back to a happy marriage? I haven't found it yet after one spouse has moved out and hired a lawyer. Please show me that example. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I haven't heard one on this site, but there are other sites such as divorcesupport.com and divorce360.com that are not as pessimistic as they are here. I would thing that those who get back together with their spouse have moved on with their lives and don't need to vent their anger on divorce forums. Link to post Share on other sites
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